WFME’s You Decide: Getting Hit In The Head With An Anvil or A Dead Kangaroo
April 18th, 2006
Decisions, decisions.
Previously, WFME has asked you if you preferred Jon or John, affection or inflection, Pepto or Necco and “Bless You” or “Cough-it-easy”. In doing so, the WFME readers came together collectively to decide and came to a conclusion that both helped each person on an individual level and together as a group. Honestly, it was a heart-warming tradition that people were desperate to see again.
But today, things are going to get much more complicated.
How do you really decide between the lesser of two evils? Death by drowning or death by fire? A BLT or a Club sandwich? A friend who believes he’s the coolest person on the face of the earth, or a friend who believes you’re the coolest person on the face of the Earth?
Simple questions and simple answers.
But when faced with having to decide if you’d rather get hit in the head with a heavy metal anvil or a dead kangaroo, there’s a lot of important details that you’ve got to detemine. For example, what are you wearing? Are you wearing a typical casual ensemble, potentially made of cotton or a soft cloth of some kind? Or are you wearing a football jersey and protective gear, just having come from the final game of a winning season? Are you walking underneath an awning (unable to see the sky and the clouds) or is there nothing between you and the “air up there”? Do you like anvils more than kangaroos? Do dead kangaroos remind you of that horrible movie with Elliot Gould where he finds a boxing kangaroo and then turns the creature into a boxing sensation?
There’s a lot of noise up there in that paragraph and that’s the result of living in a society where people ask too many questions and refuse to just strip the details away so they can concentrate on the issue at hand. Which is simply: would you rather get hit in the head with an anvil or a dead kangaroo?
I say anvil.
Sure, the pain would be unbearable. Sure, I’d probably have to go to the hospital, get stitches and MRI’s and x-rays and go through a long rehabilitation period where I’d be back to reading Dick & Jane books and watching the Teletubbies and what not — but I would work hard and get myself back to the place I was before “the anvil incident” as I would so appropriately call it in the years to follow when I went on the road and gave motivational speeches about being sure to “always look up” when walking past construction sites. But I would have grown as a person, gone through a horrible set of circumstances, and emerged stronger on the other side. Some national magazine would probably even do a story on me with a glossy picture of me holding an anvil and smiling wide.
But getting hit in the head by a dead kangaroo?
I may not have to go through all those years of rehabilitation — because let’s face it, dead kangaroos are more squishy and pliable masses than steel anvils… But I think the psychological result would not be too good. I mean, the questions would run rampant. Where did the dead kangaroo come from? Who would throw a dead kangaroo from the sky down at my head? Where is this dead kangaroo’s family? Was it really the appropriate time for this kangaroo to die and then to be hurled at a human’s soft skull? Who hates me so much that they’d want to throw a dead kangaroo at me? Was I even the intended dead kangaroo recipient or was I just at the wrong place at the wrong time?
See? Total internal mental chaos.
That being said, I think my mind is made up here today. More pain and rising out of the ashes like a Phoenix far beats a psychological scar that would forever keep me guessing and wondering and fearing another incident like the dead kangaroo throwing thing. Pain is temporary, but having to explain to your kids why someone threw a dead kangaroo at your head… Well…
I’m not having any of it.
My first choice was the anvil, because the thought of a squishy limp dead kangaroo is just creepy. Though, after you detailed out the rehab process on the anvil…I will grit through the dead kangaroo.
Are you working on some sorta fear factor-like show pitch?
Comment by H.F. Peterman — April 18, 2006 @ 8:08 am
H.F. - A show pitch? Nope. Just trying to get to the bottom of some of life’s biggest questions, like this whole getting hit in the head with a dead kangaroo one. Man, they’ve been going around in circles on that one for centuries.
Comment by Pauly D — April 18, 2006 @ 8:18 am
Hmmm… an interesting choice, indeed. However, I must opt for the dead kangaroo. While the explanation may take some time and might leave people scratching their collective heads, I like the idea of being able to don a T-shirt that says, “I was hit in the head with a dead kangaroo.” Something about that just appeals to me.
Comment by Kevin — April 18, 2006 @ 8:46 am
Kangaroo. All the way. I think it would hurt less and make a funny story later. Then again, the kangaroo would just make a mess while the anvil could be used for hammering metal or a new chair later.
This is harder than I thought. Damn you, Pauly!
Comment by Glen — April 18, 2006 @ 9:03 am
I’d prefer the anvil. Maybe I’m just a traditionalist. I think the “I survived an anvil being dropped on my head” story is a better one to market, too.
Plus I’ve seen TONS of cartoons, so I know that I won’t be too terribly hurt.
Maybe I should work on a little “ouch” sign to hold up . . . just in case.
Comment by Rabbit — April 18, 2006 @ 10:01 am
Rabbit - Don’t trust cartoons. I did, once and let me just tell you that contrary to popular belief you cannot shove yourself (a full-size human being) into the opening of a rat hole.
Comment by Pauly D — April 18, 2006 @ 10:43 am
Sorry to mess with your choice, but did you ever see, heft, an actual anvil? If one hit you squarely on the head from any height at all, you would be one dead author/blogger/humanitarian. So the choice really is: can you live with the horror of a dead, possibly bacteria-ridden kangaroo corpse having come in contact with you, or would you rather be the late Paul Davidson, making those autographed copies of your book more valuable?
Comment by susan — April 18, 2006 @ 11:20 am
I would choose the anvil. The story of surviving an anvil attack is impressive and heroic. The story of surviving a dead kangaroo attack is just weird.
Comment by Will — April 18, 2006 @ 11:23 am
Well, for me it would depend on the kangaroo and the type of death. Was this a gruesome, bloody death that would involve me being covered with gore and intestine? Or did he die peacefully in his sleep? Is he in rigir mortis? Or is he still soft and warm?
Comment by Bre — April 18, 2006 @ 11:26 am
Bre - He’s a soft, cuddly, heavy-ass kangaroo. He’d totally knock you unconscious.
Comment by Pauly D — April 18, 2006 @ 11:29 am
Dead kangaroo. If no one is there to see it, no one needs to know. After regaining consiousness, I could leave the scene and rush home to take a shower.
But an anvil? I would never live that down.
Haha. Get it?
Comment by Janet — April 18, 2006 @ 11:33 am
Can I choose the speed at which the anvil/kangaroo hits me?
Comment by annabel lee — April 18, 2006 @ 4:11 pm
Me: Honey, would you rather be hit in the head with an anvil or a dead kanagaroo?
Hubby: (without thinking) Kanagaroo.
Me: Why?
Hubby: At least you’ve got a fighting chance with a kangaroo. An anvil would kill ya.
Comment by Sara J. — April 18, 2006 @ 4:48 pm
Me: Hey, so I just put up this post on my blog asking people if they’d rather be hit in the head by an anvil or a dead kangaroo.
Them: Why would you do that?
Me: It’s one of life’s biggest questions.
Them: Why childproof tops on medicine bottles don’t keep kids out is one of life’s biggest questions. Anvil or dead kangaroo? I think not.
Me: You are so out of touch with what’s hip.
Them: Kangaroos are hip?
Me: Dead kangaroos.
Comment by Pauly D — April 18, 2006 @ 5:23 pm
Wait, Pauly — you’re a full-sized human???!!!! Is nothing as it seems?! And all this time, I had imagined that you were the size you appear to be in your photo on this site. I feel betrayed. How hard would it have been to write a quick caption to clarify? HOW HARD?
Comment by sandra — April 18, 2006 @ 5:34 pm
I’d have to go with dead kangaroo.
People who get hit on the head with an anvil don’t get their 10 minutes of fame in The National Enquirer, whereas people who get hit on the head with a dead kangaroo get their 10 minutes plus, get to bask in the glory of other National Enquirer freaks who were booty probed by aliens and then gave birth to a baby with three heads.
On second thought I’ll take the anvil…
Comment by groovebunny — April 18, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
If I get hit by a dead kangaroo, chances are I’m in Australia. And I’ve always wanted to go to Australia.
Comment by Neil — April 18, 2006 @ 5:58 pm
I’ll take the kangaroo. If the kangaroo is all squishy, like when the body is decomposing, then there is a good chance I will survive. Should I live, then I, once the hazmat unit has shown up to clean me up, will have a wonderful story to tell on Oprah.
Every talk show in the land will want to know about how I came to get hit in the head with a dead kangaroo. Was there any boxing involved? Was this an Australian mob hit? Was there any money in the kangaroo’s pouch? The questions will keep coming and I will be there to answer them all, for a fee of course.
My book will be called Kangaroo Smack, ghost-written by the ghost of Stephen Ambrose. I will be rich and famous until the kangaroo’s son, with the help of Paul Hogan, tracks me down and kicks my ass because it thought I killed its parent. If it had read my book it would know that I didn’t, but kangaroos cannot read.
Comment by Earl — April 18, 2006 @ 7:22 pm
Paul…you concern me. I think either option is not ideal but to PREFER a steel object that will kill you over a squishy, lovable (although dead) creature is just downright….well, stupid. But, you’re hot so we’ll let it go. Keep on keepin’ on.
Comment by Jenny — April 18, 2006 @ 8:19 pm
Ok…I choose the anvil, but only because it could technially weigh less than the kangaroo. It could be a tiny one! I have a strong head…and hey…no blood!
The anvil would be done , over, and maybe a few stitches. However, with a kangaroo…where would I have to be in order for it to fall on me. I’ll tell you I want no part of smelly, bloody, or icky places that would have dead kangaroos.
Comment by christie — April 18, 2006 @ 8:23 pm
When I look at the photo’s again, both of those items would make a great addition as monopoly pieces. “I want to be the dead kangaroo this time. You can be the anvil”
Comment by H.F. Peterman — April 19, 2006 @ 7:16 am
Anvil.
I’d want that silly stars effect from cartoons.
Comment by kartooner — April 19, 2006 @ 1:27 pm