Previously, WFME has asked you if you preferred Jon or John, affection or inflection, Pepto or Necco and “Bless You” or “Cough-it-easy”. In doing so, the WFME readers came together collectively to decide and came to a conclusion that both helped each person on an individual level and together as a group. Honestly, it was a heart-warming tradition that people were desperate to see again.
But today, things are going to get much more complicated.
How do you really decide between the lesser of two evils? Death by drowning or death by fire? A BLT or a Club sandwich? A friend who believes he’s the coolest person on the face of the earth, or a friend who believes you’re the coolest person on the face of the Earth?
Simple questions and simple answers.
But when faced with having to decide if you’d rather get hit in the head with a heavy metal anvil or a dead kangaroo, there’s a lot of important details that you’ve got to detemine. For example, what are you wearing? Are you wearing a typical casual ensemble, potentially made of cotton or a soft cloth of some kind? Or are you wearing a football jersey and protective gear, just having come from the final game of a winning season? Are you walking underneath an awning (unable to see the sky and the clouds) or is there nothing between you and the “air up there”? Do you like anvils more than kangaroos? Do dead kangaroos remind you of that horrible movie with Elliot Gould where he finds a boxing kangaroo and then turns the creature into a boxing sensation?
There’s a lot of noise up there in that paragraph and that’s the result of living in a society where people ask too many questions and refuse to just strip the details away so they can concentrate on the issue at hand. Which is simply: would you rather get hit in the head with an anvil or a dead kangaroo?
I say anvil.
Sure, the pain would be unbearable. Sure, I’d probably have to go to the hospital, get stitches and MRI’s and x-rays and go through a long rehabilitation period where I’d be back to reading Dick & Jane books and watching the Teletubbies and what not — but I would work hard and get myself back to the place I was before “the anvil incident” as I would so appropriately call it in the years to follow when I went on the road and gave motivational speeches about being sure to “always look up” when walking past construction sites. But I would have grown as a person, gone through a horrible set of circumstances, and emerged stronger on the other side. Some national magazine would probably even do a story on me with a glossy picture of me holding an anvil and smiling wide.
But getting hit in the head by a dead kangaroo?
I may not have to go through all those years of rehabilitation — because let’s face it, dead kangaroos are more squishy and pliable masses than steel anvils… But I think the psychological result would not be too good. I mean, the questions would run rampant. Where did the dead kangaroo come from? Who would throw a dead kangaroo from the sky down at my head? Where is this dead kangaroo’s family? Was it really the appropriate time for this kangaroo to die and then to be hurled at a human’s soft skull? Who hates me so much that they’d want to throw a dead kangaroo at me? Was I even the intended dead kangaroo recipient or was I just at the wrong place at the wrong time?
See? Total internal mental chaos.
That being said, I think my mind is made up here today. More pain and rising out of the ashes like a Phoenix far beats a psychological scar that would forever keep me guessing and wondering and fearing another incident like the dead kangaroo throwing thing. Pain is temporary, but having to explain to your kids why someone threw a dead kangaroo at your head… Well…
I’m not having any of it.