Words for My Enjoyment

I Am Afraid of Marco Polo

April 13th, 2006

No, not the historical figure from a wildly-hilarious upcoming book.

I’m talking about the underwater game that chooses one unlucky (and potentially unliked) person to be blindfolded, shoved into the deep end of a pool, then challenged to walk around in that pool, with water potentially lapping up and over their head, while they yell Marco! over and over again (like an escaped mental patient) with the desperate hope that someone, anyone, JUST ONE DAMN PERSON, will shout back Polo! from somewhere or anywhere within the dark, wet abyss.

It’s a childhood game that shakes me to the core.

I often like to sit around and think about how certain things were “invented” or “created” in history. About the conversation Thomas Edison might have had about the lightbulb. About the moment right after The Wright Brothers flew their airplane for the first time. The conversation that Einstein had with his close confidant the night before everything fully “clicked” and his theory of relativity came to the surface. These are regal, important conversations, that I think would sound far more humane than the one where two guys came up with the idea for a children’s game in a pool that should have been called “Can You Hold Your Breath For Awhile While Shouting Out Names of Ancient Explorers? I Hope You Can Or You May Just Die, The Game.”

Man #1: “Should the game involve a ball?”
Man #2: “Too many games involving balls. How about a game for kids in the water?”
Man #1: “Intriguing. What do you suggest?”
Man #1: “We blindfold one child, put them in the water…”
Man #2: “Yessss…? And then what?”
Man #1: “Then we challenge them to…um…walk around aimlessly.”
Man #2: “Interesting. Then what?”
Man #1: “Then we throw another child into the water as well!”
Man #2: “Will their parents support such an action, I wonder?”
Man #1: “That’s just it! We do it where parents cannot see. Unsupervised!”
Man #2: “Sounds dangerous.”
Man #1: “Two children, in the water, with the danger of drowning before they find each other, shouting out in an attempt to save themselves from a liquid-filled grave!? So much fun.”
Man #2: “I like it. What do you call it?”
Man #1: “Marco Polo.”
Man #2: “Why?”
Man #1: “No reason.”

Look. Hide n’ Seek is bad enough. Just having to find someone who can potentially jump out and scare me…or even worse, having to hide in an air-conditioning vent (which is the ultimate hiding place) and ending up sitting there for hours before someone finds you is a freaky concept unto itself. But shoving me into a pool where I can potentially NOT SWIM and where I can potentially NOT BREATHE and then forcing me to shout out the name of an ancient explorer as my only way out of the situation?

Cruel. Unusual. Punishment.

There are millions of children out there who refuse to go to pool/birthday parties. They refuse to take off their shirts and lounge in or around a pool. They are afraid that Marco Polo will suddenly be suggested and their day will be ruined. Sure, they can hope for pool volleyball or water polo or underwater tea parties — but more often than not, strong-willed unafraid children will go right to the Marco before suggesting anything else.

That’s why we must change the game of Marco Polo so it doesn’t threaten children’s lives.

So instead, I suggest this scenario: Marco Polo no longer takes place in a pool. Now, it takes place in a room. With a TV. With video games and couches and stuff. And the blindfolded person is no longer blindfolded but he/she is said to sit on the couch (where they’re given a tuna fish sandwich and a soda or juice drink). Then, they’re given the remote control to the TV and allowed to change the channel to whatever they want. OK? Still with me? So the person who was originally blindfolded and shoved into the deep end of the pool is now sitting on the couch, eating a sandwich and watching The A-Team.

Now, we take the second person — the one who would have normally been shouting “Polo!” somewhere from the pool and we will put them in the Lazy-Boy EZ Chair that is right next to the couch. We give this person a peanut butter & jelly sandwich, some milk and the TV Guide. Why the TV Guide? Here’s how the Marco/Polo blindfolded shouting will now be handled in this new Marco Polo indoor non-fearful scenario:

“Marco” Player #1: “What’s on TV?”
“Polo” Player #2: “Ellen is on Channel 4 in 10 minutes.”

Done. Perfect. Now we have two kids totally playing together in a game of Marco Polo except there’s no water, no blindfolds, no fear of drowning and instead we have food, drink, TV and a well-informed pair of buddies who know what shows are starting when.

Sure, it may take the “0″ out of “H20″ but it ain’t scary no more.

And that’s the point.

Posted under Fears, Games. |