If My Left Hand Was A Wet Piece of Steak And My Right Hand Was A Tuba

You totally take your hands for granted, don’t you?

I mean, how often do you wake up and look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Self, you are one lucky sonofabitch with your two hands and your ten fingers and your two legs and your ten toes and your so-on and your so-on and your so-on!” Well, you probably don’t say “so-on” as many times as I imagined you do… Then again, you probably don’t even thank your lucky stars that you have two perfectly good hands.

It’s something I would think about pretty regularly if my left hand was a wet piece of steak and my right hand was a tuba.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So unrealistic you’re thinking to yourself. When in the history of the world has anyone had a wet piece of steak for a left hand and a tuba for a right hand. When has medical science had so little funding that a patient whose hands were cut off in a tragic accident of some kind had to go with such makeshift solutions? What person, in their right mind, would agree to such a thing?

Doctor: “Uh, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but we can’t reattach your hands.”
Patient: “What…are… What do you mean?”
Doctor: “Well, it’s just not medically possible.”
Patient: “And…?”
Doctor: “Well… It’s tragic, really. I’m sorry.”
Patient: “So…? Do I get some kind of prosthetic or something?”
Doctor: “Well, there is another solution.”
Patient: “Thank God, I knew it. What is it?”
Doctor: “Well…you may not like it.”
Patient: “Anything’s better than a prosthetic.”
Doctor: “True. I mean, prosthetics smell weird anyway.”
Patient: “Yeah, like Play-Doh.”
Doctor: “Yeah, never liked the smell of Play-Doh.”
Patient: “Or Peptol Bismol.”
Doctor: “Oh, man – ain’t that the truth!”
Patient: “Yeah.”
Doctor: “Yeah. Totally.”
Patient: “Um, so about this solution?”
Doctor: “Right. How do you feel about steak?”
Patient: “Love steak. Why?”
Doctor: “Well, we’re thinking of replacing your left hand with a wet piece of steak.”

[Long pause]

Patient: “Wet steak? For a left hand?”
Doctor: “Yeah. And a tuba for your right hand.”
Patient: “I don’t even know how to play the tuba.”
Doctor: “You’ll learn.”
Patient: “And steak? For my left hand?”
Doctor: “A wet piece of steak.”
Patient: “A wet piece of steak?”
Doctor: “Yeah. And a tuba.”
Patient: “Hmm.”
Doctor: “I can give you five minutes if you want to think about it.”

Personally, if I had a piece of wet steak for a left hand, I wouldn’t have to worry about people saying things like “his handshake sorta feels like you’re squeezing a wet piece of meat” anymore because, well, my hand WOULD be a wet piece of meat and right after shaking someone’s hand, at the moment I’d see that weird gross look on their face I would say something like:

Me: “My handshake sorta feels like squeezing a wet piece of meat, doesn’t it?”

And, you know — all that uncomfortability would be gone. As for the tuba on my right hand, let’s just say — how many times have you been waiting in line at a movie and you didn’t wanna take your iPOD with you and you didn’t have any travel Scrabble games or anything to pass the time and people were all getting bored and what not?

Probably pretty often.

I can’t tell you how many times, in that situation, someone has said, “Shoot I wish we had some tuba music right now to pass the time,” and we laugh and joke about how that would never happen at all unless the USC Marching Band was nearby… Which is a total longshot.

Unless my left hand was a wet piece of steak and my right hand was a tuba.

Dream big, people. Dream big.

In other news, don’t forget that all this week is the Grassroots Campaign for The Lost Blogs. Over 41 sites will be blogging as historical figures to help promote the book. Thanks again go to Kevin for coming up with the idea and implementing it all by his lonesome.

17 comments on “If My Left Hand Was A Wet Piece of Steak And My Right Hand Was A Tuba

  1. Janet - April 10, 2006 at 8:53 am -

    Patient: What about a keyboard? Don’t you have a keyboard? I think I might prefer that to a tuba.

    Doctor: Oh yeah. You know what? We may have one for you in storage.

    Patient: And it works?

    Doctor: My daughter played Greensleeves on it last Christmas and brought down the house. Trust me, it’s a heck of a deal.

  2. Pauly D - April 10, 2006 at 8:54 am -

    Janet – A keyboard? Really? I don’t know – that just seems to, um, easy.

  3. Karl - April 10, 2006 at 9:00 am -

    Wow, weird you should write about this. I just had a dream last week about this exact thing. Well, except the wet piece of steak and the tuba were on opposite hands. Now every time I see brass cleaner I get turned on.

  4. the swede - April 10, 2006 at 9:29 am -

    This makes me think of a show I saw once, and the band’s name was “These Hands are Snakes”.

  5. the swede - April 10, 2006 at 9:31 am -

    Oh, wait, that was “arms”. “These Arms are Snakes”. Never mind.

  6. susan - April 10, 2006 at 9:48 am -

    You are either weirdly brilliant or brilliantly weird.

  7. Jerry - April 10, 2006 at 10:24 am -

    I think this is marketable. You could re-enact that famous scene from Gone With The Wind. While using your Tuba hand to play dramatic music that cresendos as you finish your big line, “As God is my witness I shall never go hungry again,” you take a bite of your steak hand to illustrate your proclaimation.

  8. Pauly D - April 10, 2006 at 10:58 am -

    Susan – I’ll take either label.

    Jerry – How great to be able to give your left hand a little healthy-gnaw now and again to punctuate speeches? I never would have thought of that!

  9. Dave2 - April 10, 2006 at 11:34 am -

    I love it that on the day 41 bloggers will be shoving attention your way, you choose to write about something so utterly bizarre.

    You could have gone for the easy, crowd-pleasing story of having a picture taken with your arm around Gwen Stefani. You could have name-dropped all those Hollywood stars you cavort with. You could have told stories of those wild L.A. parties you go to every weekend. You could have wrote any number of things to make you appear god-like to anybody who should happen to stop by this site.

    But you went for having a wet steak and a tuba for hands.

    Seriously, I could not be happier. This is genius. GENIUS I SAY!!

  10. Hilary - April 10, 2006 at 1:47 pm -

    All I can think about is the smell. Ick.

  11. mattlandia himself - April 10, 2006 at 2:12 pm -

    Dave2 couldn’t have captured my thoughts any better. Hurrah! Hurrah! For bizzaro steaks and a brass tubah!

  12. Bre - April 10, 2006 at 2:23 pm -

    You’re such a special child

  13. Nicole - April 10, 2006 at 3:54 pm -

    While I think it’s an ingenious idea, it would never work in American Samoa where I live. There are too many stray dogs; you would never be able to leave the house without being mauled. Although I suppose you could use the tube as a sort of anti-dog device. Do dogs like tuba music?

  14. H.F. Peterman - April 10, 2006 at 5:12 pm -

    Was THAT the TV show pitch you mentioned last week? I always wished I had shoehorn hands.

  15. Belinda - April 11, 2006 at 12:39 am -

    I keep thinking of the late, great Mitch Hedburg, who said that he doesn’t wave at people driving by, because, “What if the person I’m waving at is missing a hand, and thinks I’m just showing off?”

  16. jimi - April 11, 2006 at 4:46 am -

    Doesn’t a tuba have valves and such that you have to press to play it in a way that sounds, well, musical? Would the wet piece of steak reallly serve that purpose? Probably not. So i guess what i’m saying is that it would be convenient if the doctor also provided another appendage – a band geek. You think an HMO will pay for the necessary band geek, too?

  17. […] That being said, those who have taken the time to post about the book — thank you. To those who haven’t, any help you can give in getting the word out would be greatly appreciated. And to those who have a wet piece of meat for one hand and a tuba for the other…I get it. You can’t type. No worries. […]

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