You totally take your hands for granted, don’t you?
I mean, how often do you wake up and look in the mirror and say to yourself, “Self, you are one lucky sonofabitch with your two hands and your ten fingers and your two legs and your ten toes and your so-on and your so-on and your so-on!” Well, you probably don’t say “so-on” as many times as I imagined you do… Then again, you probably don’t even thank your lucky stars that you have two perfectly good hands.
It’s something I would think about pretty regularly if my left hand was a wet piece of steak and my right hand was a tuba.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So unrealistic you’re thinking to yourself. When in the history of the world has anyone had a wet piece of steak for a left hand and a tuba for a right hand. When has medical science had so little funding that a patient whose hands were cut off in a tragic accident of some kind had to go with such makeshift solutions? What person, in their right mind, would agree to such a thing?
Doctor: “Uh, I’m really sorry to tell you this, but we can’t reattach your hands.”
Patient: “What…are… What do you mean?”
Doctor: “Well, it’s just not medically possible.”
Doctor: “Well… It’s tragic, really. I’m sorry.”
Patient: “So…? Do I get some kind of prosthetic or something?”
Doctor: “Well, there is another solution.”
Patient: “Thank God, I knew it. What is it?”
Doctor: “Well…you may not like it.”
Patient: “Anything’s better than a prosthetic.”
Doctor: “True. I mean, prosthetics smell weird anyway.”
Patient: “Yeah, like Play-Doh.”
Doctor: “Yeah, never liked the smell of Play-Doh.”
Patient: “Or Peptol Bismol.”
Doctor: “Oh, man – ain’t that the truth!”
Doctor: “Yeah. Totally.”
Patient: “Um, so about this solution?”
Doctor: “Right. How do you feel about steak?”
Patient: “Love steak. Why?”
Doctor: “Well, we’re thinking of replacing your left hand with a wet piece of steak.”
Patient: “Wet steak? For a left hand?”
Doctor: “Yeah. And a tuba for your right hand.”
Patient: “I don’t even know how to play the tuba.”
Doctor: “You’ll learn.”
Patient: “And steak? For my left hand?”
Doctor: “A wet piece of steak.”
Patient: “A wet piece of steak?”
Doctor: “Yeah. And a tuba.”
Doctor: “I can give you five minutes if you want to think about it.”
Personally, if I had a piece of wet steak for a left hand, I wouldn’t have to worry about people saying things like “his handshake sorta feels like you’re squeezing a wet piece of meat” anymore because, well, my hand WOULD be a wet piece of meat and right after shaking someone’s hand, at the moment I’d see that weird gross look on their face I would say something like:
Me: “My handshake sorta feels like squeezing a wet piece of meat, doesn’t it?”
And, you know — all that uncomfortability would be gone. As for the tuba on my right hand, let’s just say — how many times have you been waiting in line at a movie and you didn’t wanna take your iPOD with you and you didn’t have any travel Scrabble games or anything to pass the time and people were all getting bored and what not?
Probably pretty often.
I can’t tell you how many times, in that situation, someone has said, “Shoot I wish we had some tuba music right now to pass the time,” and we laugh and joke about how that would never happen at all unless the USC Marching Band was nearby… Which is a total longshot.
Unless my left hand was a wet piece of steak and my right hand was a tuba.
Dream big, people. Dream big.
In other news, don’t forget that all this week is the Grassroots Campaign for The Lost Blogs. Over 41 sites will be blogging as historical figures to help promote the book. Thanks again go to Kevin for coming up with the idea and implementing it all by his lonesome.