Scott Baio Likes To Steal Your Table

I think Scott Baio has had it out for me.

Ever since I ran into him at the movie theater almost a year ago — I’ve had the feeling he was looking for a way to get back at me. I had an inkling that he had read my post, been unhappy that I had made fun of his inability to validate his parking ticket, and was stalking me…much like Beverly Hills 90210‘s Ian Ziering.

Yesterday, my suspicions were validated with Scott Baio’s vengeance.

Before I reveal the truth about Baio’s horrific manners, I must also mention that this post could have easily been replaced by Ethan Embry Has Gotten Fat And Grown A Goatee To Mask It, Eric McCormack Doesn’t Comb His Hair When He Goes To The Mall With His Family and Blink 182’s Travis Barker Loves His Eggs Sunny-Side Up — three other sightings I had in the last day here in the San Fernando Valley. (McCormack, at the mall and Embry and Barker at the same diner at the same time as Baio.)

But Baio so went out of his way to make this happen for himself, that I couldn’t leave him out.

I walked into the famous Mel’s Diner in the Valley yesterday morning, hunkering for a nice hot breakfast. The way it works is you walk in, you tell the manager what you want (booth or table) and you get the next one up. There was one that had just been abandoned by the window that was getting cleaned up. The manager, of course, said that the table was mine and made sure the staff were aware.

I waited. And waited. And waited.

And just about the time that the table was about to be cleaned up, someone with an ego and a sense of self-importance looked over from his seat at the counter (with his friend) realizing that a more comfortable place to sit was opening up even though he, himself (the Baio-ster) had already settled down in his seat for his meal.

Scott Baio promptly got up, transferred the beginnings of a meal into the now-clean booth, and stole it right out from under me. When the manager came back to the counter to seat me, he turned and looked at the table — now occupied with our favorite Happy Days table-stealing star, Scott Baio.

Manager: “He just stole your table, didn’t he?”

Me: “Yup.”

I wondered if the manager would fall into the similar trap that many restaurant managers do here in LA when faced with a celebrity — i.e. letting them get away with it. But the manager at Mel’s Diner was not going to crumble against the wall of Baio.

Manager: “He can’t do that. That’s just…wrong.”

The manager made a bee-line for Baio at the corner booth, loudly exclaiming that Baio couldn’t take the table. That someone else had been waiting for it. That such act was bordering on treason (which he didn’t say, but I imagined that he did.) Baio looked up from the table, straight in my direction and gave me the most disgusted look ever. In the book of looks, on page 365 — it translated out to something like:

“You’re kidding me, right? You’re going to make Scott Baio get up from a table just because you think you were waiting for it in the first place? I mean, who are you? Really.”

But the manager pressed on, and Scott Baio seemingly wanted to start an argument. This table was his. He came, he sat down at the counter, he started to eat, then saw something better that he wanted, took it, and…well… What was wrong with that? But around the time that the evils of the world were boiling up inside of the Baio — a booth nearby became available and the drama subsided.

But Baio didn’t stop glaring at me throughout my entire breakfast.

Whether or not he knows it, once a person sits down and receives their morning coffee or juice at a diner’s counter, those are the seats you must stick with. Just because you see another table open up doesn’t mean it’s yours. Just because you had a guest-starring role on Arrested Development doesn’t mean your powers of celebrity-influence mean more today than 3 years ago.

I’m sorry about the validating your parking ticket post, Scott, but that’s no reason to steal my table.

31 comments on “Scott Baio Likes To Steal Your Table

  1. Leah - April 2, 2006 at 8:45 am -

    Oh well….I guess Charles isn’t in Charge anymore… Hehehe. I can only wish you’d have resorted to fisticuffs. That would have been hilarious. (And I simply wanted to use the word fisticuffs.)

  2. annabel lee - April 2, 2006 at 8:56 am -

    I have *got* to start hanging out in the Valley…!
    Ethan Embry is adorable. Even if he’s now fat and goateed.

  3. Janet - April 2, 2006 at 9:13 am -

    From what I’ve read so far, living in LA can be hell.

    If he steals, yells, glares, or otherwise acts like a five-year-old to you again, tell Scott that you know a number of people who have never heard of him, and if passed him on the street, wouldn’t look twice and watch him break down into tears.

    Well, maybe that’s a little harsh. I hope you breakfast was good anyway. And kudos to the manager for not buckling under serious celebrity crap.

  4. Amy - April 2, 2006 at 9:20 am -

    I guess that’s just typical washed-up-and-forgotten-Hollywood-celebrity behavior.

    I know it sounds mean, but if I had been his waiter/waitress, I would’ve peed in his juice. Heh…

  5. dgm - April 2, 2006 at 9:54 am -

    you are so lucky he didn’t call in the fonz.

  6. Thoughtsgalore - April 2, 2006 at 12:12 pm -

    So…did Chachi have jeans as tight as our Swayze’s skin tights?

    Just the thought is cracking me

  7. Pauly D - April 2, 2006 at 2:31 pm -

    Thoughtsgalore – Not tight jeans. Sweats. Running stripes.

  8. Carly - April 2, 2006 at 3:34 pm -

    If it’s any consolation, Scott Baio also does not pay his bets. He visited a director friend of mine on a *cough*cough* “movie set” a few years back, bet him he couldn’t write and direct a “cough*cough* movie about leprosy within 24 hours. Director bet him $10, wrote, shot, edited and released said “movie,” sent it to Scott’s agent, and to this day has still not gotten his $10. Pity, really, when 80s icons can’t keep their word.

  9. Dave2 - April 2, 2006 at 4:29 pm -

    Scott who?!?

  10. Pauly D - April 2, 2006 at 4:33 pm -

    Dave – Oh, you jest. Of all people, I know you must be one of his biggest fans.

  11. Dave2 - April 2, 2006 at 5:01 pm -

    97% of my brain is devoted to global domination… I purge all irrelevant information to make room for the important stuff… like how to breath and such.

    Unfortunately, this means there’s no room for Scott Baio in my head.

    And, after Googling him, I’m not sure he was ever there. I know not this “Chachi” they speak of.

  12. susan - April 2, 2006 at 6:13 pm -

    Chachi wants to know “who you are, really”?? You are the leader of your own cult, King of check reaching etc., pretend gastroenterologist to the stars!!! THAT’s WHO!

  13. Jessica - April 2, 2006 at 10:27 pm -

    Paul, give the guy a break….he hasn’t worked in years.

  14. Pierce - April 3, 2006 at 12:45 am -

    Usually it’s just you bother celebrities, but now you’ve got one who actually seems intent on bothering you. Finally, an arch-nemesis worthy of your time.

    Perhaps Baio is going home and writing on his own blog every night. Entries with titles like: “Paul Davidson Likes To Pretend He Owns Tables That He Doesn’t, And Inflict Embarrassing Situations Upon Blameless Parties.”

  15. better safe than sorry - April 3, 2006 at 5:11 am -

    you should have had him join you and have him pick up the tab;)

  16. Kevin - April 3, 2006 at 7:56 am -

    Yeah, put the smack down on that wannabe Fonzie! I would’ve knocked his drink over on him accidentally as I walked by.

  17. Earl - April 3, 2006 at 2:00 pm -

    Good thing he didn’t Zap you.

  18. Rabbit - April 3, 2006 at 4:28 pm -

    You should have just sat down with him at YOUR table and entertained him by balancing a salt shaker on sugar.

  19. Flower Girl - April 4, 2006 at 8:20 am -

    Hmmm…I think I would have had to quietly phone a friend to do an IMDB search on Mr. Baio for his most obscure work. Then, as his hateful glare continued to attempt to penetrate my skull, I’d hestitanly approach his table, and:

    Me: Um…Steve Bairo? (mispronunciation is key) Is that you? I’m so sorry to interrupt your breakfast but I couldn’t help noticing that you were staring at me. At first, I thought it you knew me, but then…then I realized that it is ME who knows YOU! You’re Steve Bairo! You were in that movie way back…what was it called? The Boy Who Drank Too Much! You were REAL good in that…can I have your autograph?!?!”

    Him: (Starts sobbing)

  20. Danielle - April 4, 2006 at 11:35 am -

    If you’re blogging about this on WFME, does that mean Baio is writing about it on the Bob Loblaw Law Blog?

  21. Elizabeth - April 4, 2006 at 12:00 pm -

    Shoot, Danielle said it first, the Bob Loblaw Law Blog. Best made-up blog name ever.

    Have you heard The Blanks, also known as Ted’s Band on Scrubs, sing the “Charles In Charge” theme song? Just wonderin’.

  22. the swede - April 4, 2006 at 8:51 pm -

    Damn, others beat me to the opportunity to say “Bob Loblaw”.


  23. Leelee - April 5, 2006 at 11:39 am -

    okay, if i saw a table open up i’d want it too. it doesn’t matter that i was scott baio. oh and i loved when the guys on scrubs sand the CIC theme song. hilarious.
    i guess you are all just too nice or something. i hate sitting at the counter though.

  24. Melissa - April 5, 2006 at 12:31 pm -

    You should have blown him kisses….. 😉

  25. dusty - April 11, 2006 at 9:58 pm -

    I often wonder how the heck everyone around here always recognizes every B-list actor in town… I eat at that exact Mel’s like once a week (it’s less than a block from my apt) and probably have shared the diner with some actor (or perhaps even had my table stolen by one – that seems to happen a lot there) but would NEVER be able to tell you who they were – I guess I don’t watch enough TV. I’m the type to think, “Man, I know that guy from somewhere… but where?!” Who the heck is Ethan Embry anyway?

  26. Helena - April 17, 2006 at 4:21 pm -

    You know, if you keep this up you’re likely to make a powerful enemy, Pauly D. Well, not powerful, but…an enemy nonetheless! Chachi does strike me as the sort who conducts regular vanity Googles for his own name, and this entry is like number four on the list of results, you know. What do you plan on doing the day that, inevitably, you open your in-box to find a slew of angry notes from Baio himself? Hm?

    And on a related note, what would it take to get that remark about my rack stricken from the record??

  27. patresa - April 20, 2006 at 4:47 pm -

    I am so disappointed. I wonder who else among my teenage celebrity crushes has grown into a table stealer. Ricky Shroeder? Michael J Fox? Ralph Macchio? Kirk Cameron would never have done such a thing (He would have invited you to share the table and then saved your soul.).

  28. Janet - April 21, 2006 at 4:56 pm -

    How did Ethan come into this, but more importantly, how can I get in on the action?

  29. Binsk - October 22, 2006 at 7:28 pm -

    I’d let him steal more than my table.

  30. Jeff Dempsey - February 10, 2007 at 5:12 pm -

    Baio does any and everything he wants. What more can I say

  31. Whatever - August 1, 2007 at 4:39 pm -

    Wow, that is the pettiest thing I have read in a long time. Big Deal, he sat in an open table. I see nothing wrong, he was waiting for a table, and took it. There are people in this world that sit in an open table, and there are people in this world, that whine about it.

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