An Open Letter to ‘Woman Eating Vat of Clam Chowder In Car’
April 1st, 2006
Hey lady, I can see you.
Even though you’re hiding in your car in the supermarket parking lot, where you thought you probably wouldn’t be seen — you probably didn’t expect that I was going to be sitting in my parked car right across from you, talking on my cell phone and waiting for the rain to subside before getting out. You probably didn’t expect that I’d be sitting here, watching you, as you scarfed down a huge vat of what some people call Supermarket Deli Clam Chowder in a Vat.
And I wish you’d use a napkin.
As I sit here, watching this horrific event unfold before me, I can’t help but think about the other kind of horrific sights I’ve seen with these eyes over my lifetime. There was the Challenger disaster. There was 9/11. And not to belittle such things, my white-thick liquid imbibing friend, but this clam chowder incident happens to disturb me even more.
Could it have something to do with the supermarket-sponsored tiny plastic spoon that you’re gripping between your hands, shoveling the Jello-like hotness down your throat? Or maybe, possibly, it has something to do with the fact that you have no napkin and the outer edges of your mouth are covered in a film that should have remained in the deep oceans of this planet? Or perhaps, you’re just a messy eater and it reminds me of the days I used to volunteer in the cafeteria of an old folks home. Either way, I wish you could hear me screaming “Please lady, STOP!”
But the rain is too loud, and I paid extra for these sound-proof windows on my car.
But then disgust turns to fascination as I watch you react to the flashing lights of other cars. You hunch down in your car seat, guarding and hiding the vat with your arms. For what if the secret forces that have aligned themselves to stop you from eating clam chowder in the car discover that such a thing is occuring…right this minute, right under their noses? Perhaps you’d be pulled from your car in the pouring rain much like the title waif character in V for Vendetta and you and your clam chowder would never be bedfellows ever again.
Or perhaps you’re just feeling that eating clam chowder, out of a huge vat, in your car, in the pouring rain, without a napkin, while someone who writes a blog happens to sit right across from you on the phone, and is watching the event all unfold — is wrong.
Well it is.
A candybar. Soda from a can. Food that does not require a dish or a bread bowl or a full place setting at a luxurious dinner table. Go ahead and eat those things in your car and go crazy. Down a bottle or water or consume a wonderful apple. Chomp on a handful of peanuts or munch on a bag of potato chips.
But eating a vat of clam chowder in your car has got to stop.
Or I’ll write something about it and you’ll be sorry.
blech.
Comment by Kathleen — April 1, 2006 @ 10:49 am
The in her car is probably worse than the sight of her eating it right there in the front seat.
Thank you my enjoyable Pauly D..for that LOVELY image.
If you’re going to binge make is something good..lol…oreos, taco bell bean burrito and taco supreme, or in & out…but deli clam chowder…UGH!
xoxo
C
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — April 1, 2006 @ 12:41 pm
that’s just gross
Comment by Wendi — April 1, 2006 @ 12:43 pm
Ohmigod, I’m SHOCKED. SHOCKED. YOU volunteered in the CAFETERIA at an old folks home????????
Comment by susan — April 1, 2006 @ 12:55 pm
Oh, I get it, it’s an April Fools post!
Comment by susan — April 1, 2006 @ 12:55 pm
Oh! Can I guess what she looks like?
Short hair that had a mismanaged dying job.
An over-sized animal print purse
A neon blouse- take or leave the flowers
Am I close? She was the first thing that popped into my mind when I read: Vat, clam chowder, and plastic deli-spoon.
My sympathies.
Comment by Janet — April 1, 2006 @ 1:46 pm
that is just wrong.
well, unless she heated it first with the cigarette lighter.
Comment by dgm — April 1, 2006 @ 3:22 pm
“my white-thick liquid imbibing friend”
i really thought you were going somewhere else with that…
Comment by ms. sizzle — April 1, 2006 @ 5:43 pm
Oh Sizzle - shame on you.
Comment by Pauly D — April 1, 2006 @ 5:58 pm
That is a visual I really didn’t need. Thanks Pauly!
Comment by Brooke — April 1, 2006 @ 8:34 pm
This is so gross, but now I am, for the first time, actually wary of becoming the blogged instead of the blogger. I shall view everyone with a suspicious eye as I go about my business.
Hey! This blogging thing might just prove to be the cure for all manner of societal ills! Kind of like the fear of being turned in by the Hitler Youth. Just think–if you live in fear of being blogged, you will be on your best behavior at all times! There would be no more chowder-slopping or residential-street drag-racing…O! Utopia!
Comment by Belinda — April 1, 2006 @ 11:03 pm
“For what if the secret forces that have aligned themselves to stop you from eating clam chowder in the car discover that such a thing is occuring…right this minute, right under their noses?”
I laughed out loud at that line. This post is brilliant and hilarious.
Comment by Erin MJ — April 2, 2006 @ 12:38 am
You have no idea what kind of morning I had! Chowder is my comfort food.
Comment by liquid-imbiber — April 2, 2006 @ 7:58 am
You have NO idea what kind of morning I had! Clam chowder is my “comfort food”.
Comment by Thick-white Liquid-imbiber — April 2, 2006 @ 9:08 am
Not to mention how bad her car must have smelled afterward. I know how my car smells the next day after bringing home a pizza or fast food. Clam chowder? Bleh.
Comment by Boogie's Mom — April 2, 2006 @ 1:40 pm