I’m shivering right now, just thinking about it.
Shaken to the core, just thinking about how even though you don’t need more than that key to your house, that key to your office, that key to your car and that fourth rotating key that opens things like that lock on the front gate or that public storage deadbolt — that you load up your keychain with things like squishy toys and USB flash drives and pennies with heart-shapes cut in the middle of them and much much more…
You are a keychain clutterer, and you make me cringe more than people eating tin-foil.
The saga of keychain clutterers began simply, like any other huge problem in society. People all had keys and they all looked the same and so people set out to find a way to make people’s keychains appear different. It started with simple engraved plates or initials from your name — a simple P or a simple P.D. was all that was needed. It was simple back then, when all you had to do was turn that rotating keychain kiosk at the hardware store in circles to find the letter that would set your keys apart from everyone else’s.
And then things started to get scary.
People started adding flair to their keychains with an exponential ludicrousness that no one could stop. Simple metallic initial plates turned into charms. Charms turned into leather car logos. Leather car logos turned into mini flashlights. Mini flashlights turned into useless floatable indistinguishable squishy things with logos on them, which quickly allowed the floodgates to open and make it okay for people to add things like mini-flash USB drives, MP3 players, ribbons, plastic logos with ridiculous sayings, smushed pennies, tiny plastic games where all the tiny metallic balls have to be carefully ushered back to their starting holes…
People began to get “key crazy” – adding keys that had no use whatsoever. Leaving keys from jobs that had ended over three years ago on the key ring, “just in case.” Keychains went from simple rings with simple keys into an overblown exercise into a state of mind easily described by the phrase “this is me, hear me jingle!”
I am afraid of keychain clutterers who can’t fit their keys into their front jeans pocket.
And yet, society continues to embrace the act of attaching larger-than-life items onto small metallic rings. The workplace and physician’s offices now attach huge monolithic pieces of (what seems like) driftwood to the bathroom keychain in an attempt to, I can only imagine, give that one key on that one ring a large-ness they feel a keychain must have. Companies like Pottery Barn are now in the business of creating huge wooden wall-hangings with strong titanium keychain rods to hold at least 10 pounds of keychain clutter. Pants with extra large pockets have only been created by the fashion industry for one reason and one reason only…
You. And your load of lock-opening keys.
If you need more than twenty keys, you have a security issue or the inability to let go of previous locks and doors that no longer are a part of your life. If you need to attach a biorhythmic flashing flourescent music-box toy you got at Hot Topic to your keychain or a life-size stuffed version of Ozzy Osbourne to your keys, there’s something wrong. If you really, truly feel the need to attach two mini dogs, a magnet, a Swiss Army knife, a first aid kit, a bottle opener, a Mobile Suit Gundam mini-maquette, a metallic logo that reads Keep on Truckin’, a magic 8 ball, the flag of Iceland, a mini Pez dispenser, twelve lucky charms, three foreign coins and a mini Etch-a-Sketch to your already burgeoning ball of metal… there’s a bigger problem to deal with here.
If when I hug you I have to question whether you’re happy to see me or if you’ve got eighty pieces of metal and plastic attached to one tiny steel ring all shoved and packed into the spare corners of your denim darkness — well, I’m going to have to back up, carefully give you one of those polite smiles and stay as far away from you as I can.
If every single time we go out you are constantly asking someone to put your ball ‘o metal in their trunk… If every single time you go out on the town you complain that you don’t have a purse big enough to hold your keys… If your right bicep is bigger than your left bicep simply due to the fact that you use your right hand to carry your keychain on a daily basis…it’s time to re-think what should be on a keychain and what should stay, locked away, in that quarter-fed supermarket glass-encased crappy toy dispenser. And you’re going to have to do it on your own.
Because I can’t help you.
Because the fear envelops me.
Because you’ve got just too many things on that damn keychain.