CSI’s Gary Dourdan Likes To Drive Fast, Then Stop As If He’s Going To Kick Your Ass

Today’s post is not meant for children without adult supervision.

It will tell the story of C.S.I.‘s Gary Dourdan, who happened to be speeding down my residential street, out in front of my house, in his BMW 7-Series, speed speed speeding along without a care in the world and then how he came face to face with a concerned homeowner (ME) who decided to put a stop to his blatant disregard for the laws of the road.

There may be some cursing involved, too — although I’m not 100% sure yet.

It was a sunny afternoon, not unlike every single day of every single month of every single year here in a place they call “Sunny Los Angeles” and I had decided to go out onto my driveway to pick up a variety of flyers about carpet cleaning, chinese food and air-duct cleaning systems that had been littered on my lawn.

A typical day for yours truly.

Yet as I reached the edge of my driveway, I could hear the vroom vroom vrooming of someone who obviously felt that the louder their car could be, the more attention they could garner. I poked my head around the hedges, looking to see what was coming. And there it was:

A BMW 7-Series, black. Speeding at velocities unsupported in this residential area.

A feeling washed over me that I had never experienced before. While, as a kid, I had laughed at adults giving the evil eye to teenagers in cars who were speeding around the neighborhood in their recently aged-16 acquired cars, now I understood where they were coming from. Whoever this speed demon was — well, he must be stopped.

That speed demon just happened to be C.S.I.‘s Gary Dourdan — the highly intelligent, crime fighting, brooding afro-wearing dude — and he was coming my way. I could see his face through the driver’s side window as he approached me and careened at mind-numbing speeds (well, maybe 45 mph) past my house.

I screamed out, “Sloooooow down you a-hole!”

The words must have penetrated the soundproof windows of the German automobile, as Mr. Dourdan screeched his car to a halt and sent a fear I had not felt since I got a cavity filled, through my bones. I stood there for a split second wondering if he was going to throw-down some of that C.S.I. attitude and require the local police to visit a real-life crime scene in the near future, where the cadaver happened to be me.

Instead, he just gave me that “I’m going to kick your ass” look, before speeding back off down the street.

It seemed, of course, that I had lived to see another day of yelling obscenities at fast-driving neighborhood TV stars. But next time would I be so lucky? Next time would I experience the force of Freddy Prinze Jr‘s fist? Or Patrick Swayze‘s round house kick? Or Law & Order‘s Dann Florek‘s legal, yet painful wrath?

Only time would tell.

I just couldn’t help but wonder if I could have kicked Dourdan’s butt, though.

I think I could have.

35 comments on “CSI’s Gary Dourdan Likes To Drive Fast, Then Stop As If He’s Going To Kick Your Ass

  1. Amy - March 26, 2006 at 10:10 am -

    You totally could’ve taken him down, Pauly. Totally.

  2. annabel lee - March 26, 2006 at 10:12 am -

    Wouldn’t Patrick Swayze deliver a Road House kick?
    Glad you survived the altercation and lived to fight another day.

  3. Dave2 - March 26, 2006 at 10:14 am -

    Why risk an ass-kicking? Follow him home and attack THE CAR… cars are wonderful opponents because they so rarely fight back.

    Though, this kind of retribution is sad when you think about it. It’s not really the car’s fault it’s being driven by an a-hole.

  4. Keith - March 26, 2006 at 10:50 am -

    You must be rich… you OWN a house in L.A.? And, umm, it rained in my part of Los Angeles yesterday afternoon. You must live in that special part where the rich people have banned rain.

  5. Pauly D - March 26, 2006 at 11:22 am -

    Keith – I don’t know where you’re at in LA but it was totally sunny where I was at yesterday. And today. And all week.

  6. better safe than sorry - March 26, 2006 at 11:59 am -

    he doesn’t look tough at all, i’m sure you could have taken him.

  7. ACG - March 26, 2006 at 12:29 pm -

    you totally should have flipped him off when he stopped and gave you a dirty look.
    just think of the blog fodder.

  8. Chase - March 26, 2006 at 1:11 pm -

    You should just be lucky it wasn’t Shannen Doherty. You’d have had REAL trouble then.

  9. dgm - March 26, 2006 at 1:16 pm -

    how come you didn’t run after him?

  10. Sarcomical - March 26, 2006 at 2:03 pm -

    i don’t know, pauly. though he doesn’t really do anything that badass on the show, so perhaps you are right. still, glad you didn’t have to find out!

  11. Amber - March 26, 2006 at 3:35 pm -

    I can’t believe he was speeding through your residential area. I think this is what needs to happen: you find out where he lives. Then you pass that info onto me, at which time I go over to his house and give him a stern talking to. To have the element of surprise, I’ll go over in the middle of the night, so that when he comes to the door in only his underwear, he is at his most adorable. I mean vulnerable. Most vulnerable. I’ll tell him how dangerous his actions are and volunteer to ALWAYS accompany him in his car to remind him of his speed. He’ll be so charmed and touched by my concern that he’ll agree and we’ll get married. Everybody wins!

  12. Pauly D - March 26, 2006 at 3:53 pm -

    Amber – I am so going to put in a good word for you.

  13. Belinda - March 26, 2006 at 3:54 pm -

    I think you could take him. But what I find more interesting is this quote from his iMDB page:

    “I have to protect myself because people think that because you come into 25 million homes every week, they know you. I walk the line between being gracious and being rude.”

    Heh, heh…walkin’ the line, with Pauly D. I kind of suspect he wouldn’t want *his* kids playing outside in an area where someone was driving like that.

  14. the swede - March 26, 2006 at 5:20 pm -

    Maybe he’s up for a part in “The Fast and the Furious XVIII” and just doing research.

  15. amamgets - March 26, 2006 at 10:02 pm -

    Same thing happened here in Austin, only it wasn’t Gary in a Beamer, but the slouchy teenager from down the street in an old Toyota.

    Whatever, the car seemed to be careening out-of-control around the corner, going at least ninety, and I yelled “Sloooowww Downnnnn!” in my big voice. He screeched to a halt and gave me a slouchy glare.

    Later as I drove past his house, he yelled a long, drawn-out “Sloooooooooooooooooowwwwww Dowwwwwwwwwwwwwnnn!” back at me, which made me laugh so hard I had to write him an apology note. In Pig Latin.

  16. Kathleen - March 27, 2006 at 12:51 am -

    you’re shattering the pseudo-innocent persona I have of you with all the yelling and the cursing.

  17. susan - March 27, 2006 at 6:25 am -

    CSI celebrity or not, yelling at speeding motorists is definitely a job for a grown-up. It won’t be long ’til you are swilling back Geritol, smoothing Grecian formula in your hair and calling the youth of America “whipper-snappers”.

  18. Wendi - March 27, 2006 at 6:32 am -

    you need a good ass kicking

  19. Thoughtsgalore - March 27, 2006 at 7:27 am -

    Ok..but here’s what I really want to know?

    Could you see those hot eyes of his just staring you down? LOL

    Oh, and Pauly..I’m sure you’re a lover not a fighter. No kicking of his ass will be necessary.

  20. ms. sizzle - March 27, 2006 at 7:56 am -

    do you have really good eyesight?

    😉 sizzle

  21. Pauly D - March 27, 2006 at 8:25 am -

    Sizzle – I’m like the Six Million Dollar Man.

  22. Flower Girl - March 27, 2006 at 10:24 am -

    Maybe he thought you said “Dooooooooooon’t hit the pot hole!” instead. And he gave you that look because there wasn’t one?

  23. sandra - March 27, 2006 at 11:00 am -

    Good thing it was him and not Grissom. Grissom would totally have been able to frame you for something.

    As for the Patrick Swayze visual, I can’t seem to stop laughing at it. Mostly because in my head, his roundhouse, a la Roadhouse, is combined with the outfit he wore all through Dirty Dancing, and he’s staring at you the same way he stared at Baby throughout that movie.

  24. Kevin - March 27, 2006 at 11:57 am -

    Hey man, you know how it goes… you mess with tha fro, and you got to go!

  25. mattlandia himself - March 27, 2006 at 1:01 pm -

    Next time he drives by make sure you finish your rant with “… and you totally sucked in that Janet video!”

  26. The Centaur - March 27, 2006 at 3:17 pm -

    These elitist celebrities with their sense of entitlement… makes me sick.

    I’m just glad the only people speeding recklessly through my neighborhood are gypsies, drifters, hucksters and sheisters.

  27. C(h)ristine - March 27, 2006 at 3:30 pm -

    Matthew Perry used to go screaming around the streets of residential Beverly Hills in his black Z8. He was really cranky too–you’d think they’d get an endorphin rush from it!

  28. Adri - March 27, 2006 at 3:53 pm -

    I woulda thrown something at the car… then you could have a whole series of blog posts about the pending litigation.

  29. Earl - March 27, 2006 at 6:37 pm -

    You’re lucky it wasn’t Joe Rogan. He’d have stopped and argued with you for a few hours.

  30. Heather - March 27, 2006 at 8:37 pm -

    The only people that drive around my neighborhood too fast are the kind that could truly kick anyone’s ass. You must live upscale.

  31. godd Blair - March 28, 2006 at 7:34 am -

    There was a speedster in our neighborhood in North Carolina who drove a beat-up GTO (Goat). Everyday approx. 4:30 pm, u could hear the cams and headers roaring at speeds of 70+/mph in a 20 mph speed zone. We gave him a name, “The Fool”. Here comes “The Fool”. When I go home now, I’ll say where’s “The Fool”?

  32. anna - March 29, 2006 at 5:45 am -

    I was wondering how long it would be before someone would come out of their closet with some tidbit of info. Why wasn’t it reported before now? Seems like a person who wants to get his name printed and wants some recognition.

    Granted, 45 mph is a bit much for residential, but I thought you were going to say upwards of 50 or 60. Was this the only time he was traveling at that speed down your street? Even celebs have bad days and this could very well have been one for him. You have them don’t you? With what is going on with him now, I just knew someone would have to come up with something else to add, and low and behold, here you are.

    Instead of talking about kicking his ass, why didn’t you do it? Afraid? You did the right thing by not trying… he looks like he can very well take care of himself in that respect.

  33. Michelle - March 30, 2006 at 1:07 pm -

    He’s Hot. ‘Nuff said…

  34. Veronique - April 27, 2006 at 11:10 am -

    Wow, what a coincidence, Mr. Dourdan just went ripping through my neiborhood not more than thirty minutes ago. Lucky for me I had just finished reading this cautionary post and while doing so thought, “Huh, I’d like to show an elitist, celebrity (particularly if he looks like Mr. Dourdan) what we do with residential speeders in Massachusetts.” Lo and behold, just moments later along came Mr. Dourdan, exceeding the speed limit in my sleepy little suburb. I raced to the front of my house with whistle and red stop sign in tow (I keep both in my garage for just such occasions) and signaled Mr. Dourdan to the side of the road.

    I asked him to get out of the car and appraised him of the error of his ways on two counts; first for exceeding speed limits both in LA and here in Massachusetts, second for having bought a BMW when he could have had a real car, like a Mercedes Benz. I walked him over to the E series parked in my garage. Suffice to say, Mr. Dourdan was greatly embarrassed. Perhaps most of all for his automobile choice, but in some small way for his inappropriate speed limit as well.

    P.S. Oh yeah, I kicked his ass before he left in large measure I did it to satisfy my own sick predilection, but I think there was a lesson thing in there somewhere as well. When I was done I said, “And that’s how we roll in Massachusetts Mr. Warrick Browwwwwnn. Now get outta here, before I really get mad. And another thing, tell that red head to stop wearing tight pants and taking every camera angle ‘butt shot’ possible. And for the love of God have some respect for the dead and button up that shirt when your investigating a crime scene!”

  35. lisa - January 29, 2007 at 2:52 pm -

    oh stop lying, you did no such thing!!!!

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