Death of the Piggy Back Ride
March 23rd, 2006
Dead and gone, people.
Because no matter how much you plead, no matter how much you cite musical montages from your favorite movies, no matter how much you try to convince your partner how much fun they really can be…
No matter how light you are and no matter how strong your friend’s back may be and no matter how much alcohol you’ve both just consumed…
…the Piggy Back Ride is dead.
When did it happen? How did it occur? Why did a world full of happy-go-lucky people suddenly wake up, turn around and tell us to stop trying to jump up on their backs? When did the romantic piggy back ride become extinct? When did it suddenly turn from a carefree sign of wild fun and turn into the most “uncool back-riding hobby of the 21st Century?”
Why is the piggy back ride dead and why can’t I have one?
If you’ve ever hung out at a wharf, seaside resort, State Fair, circus, high school carnival, beachside barbecue, outdoor farmer’s market or a park-centric birthday party lately — you’ve probably been witness to the following, pleading, depressingly-real conversation:
Her: “Can I have a piggy back ride?”
Him: “Oh, c’mon. Not now.”
Her: “Why not? It’ll be fun!”
Him: “I just ate.”
Her: “We’re not going swimming. I just wanna jump on your back!”
Him: “I have a headache.”
Her: “We can run around and chase people!!”
Him: “I sort of have a bad back.”
Her: “No you don’t. Your back is fine. You know, if you didn’t want to give me a piggy back ride you could have just been honest and told me that instead of making up some fake excuse about your back.”
Him: “I don’t want to give you a piggy back ride.”
Her: “But whyyyyyy!? They’re soooo fun!”
There are two groups of people in this world, my friends. Two very distinct groups of people. There are those who want piggy back rides and those who don’t want to give them to you. In fact, nobody ever really wants to give a piggy back ride, but there are thousands of you out there who jump at the chance to jump on someone else’s back and be carted around like a modern day Cleopatra.
There’s a divide, it seems, cutting across our homeland — driving the wannabe back-riders and the back-toting averse far far apart. And with each minute of each hour of each day of each week of each month of each year of each decade of each century…the total and complete extinction of the piggy back ride is minutes, NAY, seconds away.
Is there anything we can do to stop such a thing?
I say yes, there is. There are ways to convince the piggy back guinea pigs to take you for a ride. It is about assuring them there will be fun to be had. Offering up examples of such fun can be helpful — how you will allow the rider-giver to chase stray dogs around the local park and to jump up and down without you complaining one bit. You must give the piggy backer the freedom to go where they want to go, without you digging your heels in their ribs and directing them in a completely different direction. You must promise them that you won’t cut off their air supply by holding onto them by their necks… And you will have to do something you’ve never done before — promise to not rip their ears off their heads totally and completely.
Yes, by doing these things we may just save the piggy back ride.
Charts will be drafted, printed and laminted that offer up a real-world weight coefficient for the piggy back rider and ridee. If you weigh this much and the piggy back rider-giver weighs that much, then a piggy back ride is a GO FOR LAUNCH. But if the weights just don’t jive, as according to the Official Piggy Back Ride Weight Chart, then it’ll be up to you to shut your mouth, stop whining, and play water balloon toss instead.
Then and only then can we turn back the hands of time and return the world to the carefree place it used to be. Where there were clowns that didn’t scare us, pie fights that didn’t result in salmonella poisoning and piggy back rides for all the world to see…and envy.
Yes, the death of the piggy back ride may be close at hand — but saving it is well within our reach.
Huzzah!
Just to exemplify the seriousness of the sad and unfortunate demise of the piggy-back ride: A hotel desk clerk called THE POLICE after seeing me riding a friend piggy-back around the lounge. He told them I was having “an anxiety attack”!! They never laughed so hard!
Comment by nic — March 23, 2006 @ 8:50 am
I am doing my bit to save the piggy back ride. I gave one just a couple of weeks ago. I was drunk. She was wearing heels.
I only lasted about two hundred metres though. Let me tell you, it’s hard to feel manly while having to drop someone from pure exhaustion. While whimpering “Please, I can’t go on.”
Also, don’t say “You’re too heavy.” They don’t like that.
Comment by Pierce — March 23, 2006 @ 8:53 am
what’s your deal? death to the piggy back rides, death to trees, the falling in water is dead. dead. dead. DEAD.
piggy backs are dead and very uncool. however, if a guy wants to carry me in his arms between bars on my birthday, well that’s just fine with me.
to sum up:
piggy backs - uncool. ladies, you’ll just look like a burden. dudes - you’ll look like a pushover.
gal in dude’s arms - nice. ladies - this is the way to go. other chicks will be jealous and guys - it’ll make you look strong and oh-so gentlemanlike.
Comment by Kathleen — March 23, 2006 @ 9:34 am
Kathleen - I never said “death to trees”. I just said I hate them and want them to be removed from the face of the Earth.
Comment by Pauly D — March 23, 2006 @ 9:37 am
i am always stuck giving the piggy back. i am ok with them dying.
Comment by ms. sizzle — March 23, 2006 @ 9:57 am
I have not had a piggy back ride since the Unfortunate Piggy Back Ride Incident of 1977. My sister said she’d give me a piggy back ride. She said this in front of our parents and they were like, “Awww, that’s so nice!” Once we trotted down the street a little bit, she dug her evil claws into my hands. I still have scars ::sniff sniff:: physical and emotional. Oh God…the horror…
Comment by Flower Girl — March 23, 2006 @ 10:00 am
AND…why is it even called Piggy Back? Pigs do not ride around on each other’s backs, do they?
Comment by Flower Girl — March 23, 2006 @ 10:02 am
This entry started with DEAD and ended with HUZZAH. To clarify, the piggy-back is not dead, it is merely on the “Endangered Back-Riding Hobby” list. Shouldn’t someone start a charity, collect funds to have a sanctuary/preservation where all the piggy-back riders and ridees can exhaust themselves, free from the ridicule of others?
Comment by susan — March 23, 2006 @ 10:18 am
I heard there actually is a rule (well, more of a strong suggestion) that you not give piggy-back rides within a half hour to an hour of eating. So you’re pool analogy isn’t too far off the mark. And, since many diets recommend that you eat seven to eight smaller meals a day as opposed to the regular three, there is rarely a moment anymore that you are not “recovering” from having eaten. Blame dietary patterns for the death of the piggy-back ride.
Comment by Kevin — March 23, 2006 @ 10:23 am
that’s a crock…i give my little one piggy back rides all the time…and BTW…i’m not talking to you anymore
Comment by Wendi — March 23, 2006 @ 10:48 am
I think when Warren jumped on Ted’s back in “There’s something about Mary”, many saw just how retarded the concept really is. Oh no… that was very NON-PC of me, wasn’t it?…. oh well. Truth hurts.
You know what would be interesting? A seperate blog detailing how you come up with ideas of things to write about? What in the world made you think of piggy back rides today Paul????
Another good subject to write about one day, is why people, like me, feel the need to use extra punctuation…… it’s crazy!!!!!!!!
Comment by Jacquie — March 23, 2006 @ 10:51 am
as a small grownup, i am usually in the position of piggyback seeker, not giver. i love the command position riding piggyback offers–i’ve discovered new worlds on top of my fridge, including all the good snacks my husband hides and the location of all those lightbulbs i could have sworn i bought but could not find the next day.
we have a symbiotic relationship, me and my piggyback provider. at least that’s what i tell myself so i don’t feel guilty for having all the fun.
Comment by dgm — March 23, 2006 @ 10:55 am
Paul, you are correct that the piggyback ride is dead, however, this didn’t happen recently. Most historians trace its demise to the invention of the rickshaw. I saw that on the History Channel.
Comment by The Centaur — March 23, 2006 @ 11:15 am
I have to agree with Wendi.
Giving little ones piggy back rides is adorable! but that’s IT.
Comment by Kathleen — March 23, 2006 @ 11:47 am
The only reason piggyback rides are not completely dead is because there are still a few of us who remember a time when children actually went outside to play. Most of them now spend their time inside playing video games and thus piggyback rides are a lost, soon-to-be-extinct art. There is nothing we can do about.
Except start working on the eulogy.
Comment by Nicole — March 23, 2006 @ 1:04 pm
Nicole - Can we count on your for that eulogy?
Comment by Pauly D — March 23, 2006 @ 1:57 pm
It is easy for people of itty bitty statue to say, “Piggyback rides forever!” But I would like to know, of those over 5′8″, are piggyback rides demeaning? Is it hard to swallow the fact that not only is this itty bitty person’s head above yours, but that you are carrying someone whom on a regular basis you could squash? Now they are above you, in the spotlight, digging their fists happily into your throat and turning you this way and that with your heels. Do you mind at all?
If tall people don’t have a problem with it, who am I to ruin the chance for piggyback survival?
Comment by Janet — March 23, 2006 @ 2:04 pm
I give kids piggy back rides all the time. I don’t think I would ever give an adult one though. Mostly because I don’t think I know any adults smaller than I am.
Comment by Rabbit — March 23, 2006 @ 4:12 pm
Don’t fret Paul. There is a third, hidden, fragmented group which you may not be aware of: those who desire to give piggy-back rides and cannot find riders. I’m continually offering rides to friends, most of whom make some comment that they wouldn’t want to hurt me, or that I couldn’t lift them. I’m stronger than 150lbs would lead you to believe! I’ve even been known to carry children as old as 7 sitting on my shoulders for miles at a time. Fret not. Though we may be few and far between, we are still there, and we are looking for you.
On second thought, maybe you should be worried about that last part.
Comment by Dave Vogt — March 23, 2006 @ 4:24 pm
Dave - I don’t know you, but I believe you when you say you’re stronger than 150lbs.
Comment by Pauly D — March 23, 2006 @ 5:48 pm
See, I’m the opposite. My boyfriend always wants to give and I never want to recieve. What does that say about me that I’m part of the death chain?
Comment by Carly — March 23, 2006 @ 5:55 pm
Carly - Are you sure you’re posting a comment on the right entry?
Comment by Pauly D — March 23, 2006 @ 6:41 pm
piggy back rides are great. i used to give them to my kids when they were small, and we do piggy back ride races during the summer in our neighborhood bash.
Comment by better safe than sorry — March 23, 2006 @ 6:58 pm
rabbit, if you’re under 5′0″, i hereby offer you a piggyback ride!
Comment by dgm — March 23, 2006 @ 8:36 pm
Heya Pauly-D…just workin’ my way back into the blogsphere one baby toe at a time, and sayin’ hiya…and piggyback rides always made me nervous. I suppose after my dad let go of the back of my bike when I was learning to ride and sent me careening headlong into a ditch and stuffing my head quite nicely between two planks of a picket fence I never fully trusted him again. Eh, bygones.
Comment by Jennifer Lankenau — March 23, 2006 @ 9:16 pm
Umm…according to the “real-world weight coefficient chart”, I need to find a 7′9” male over 450. Does this mean I’m not getting a ride? (Can I substitute two 225 lb, 4′0″ people?)
Comment by T. Malone — March 23, 2006 @ 9:48 pm
Oh damn, you’re right, P. Oops!
Comment by Carly — March 26, 2006 @ 1:26 pm
what do you mean by “laminted”
did you mean “laminated” ????
Comment by Apryl — March 26, 2006 @ 9:58 pm
Ahh, a subject near and dear to my heart. Giving, and getting, and I enjoy both pretty much equally, are becoming less and less frequent. My fiance and a few other girls, (and I prefer the mixed-gender ride over the same-gender ride) have also given me short (
Comment by SpongeBob — March 27, 2006 @ 6:51 am
Hi,
Can anyone tell me what the “real-world weight coefficient chart” that T. Malone mentions above shows, and where I can find it, regarding piggyback weight/height for riders and ridees?
Thanks,
Jason
Comment by Jason — April 7, 2006 @ 2:11 pm
I do love to get a piggyback ride. I’m adult, but always enjoy it.
Comment by Luigi — April 20, 2006 @ 3:44 pm
Being a hobbit sized male, I still enjoy and receive piggyback rides. How many 50-year olds can make that claim?
Comment by Mark — June 9, 2006 @ 10:22 am
How tall are you and how much do you weigh?
Comment by scott — July 9, 2006 @ 10:43 am
6 feet, 190.
Comment by Pauly D — July 9, 2006 @ 10:46 am
Well…I’m the one who gives piggyback rides, but just to my youngest siblings. Only the little ones get piggyback rides. But I still don’t understand why I’m short and I don’t get piggyback rides. IT’S NOT FAIR!!!
Hmph.
Oh well.
Comment by Anne — July 9, 2006 @ 12:32 pm
Well Anne, you could always offer to give rides to friends and ask them to return the favor, works fine usually! At least it worked for me quite a few times, and I got cool rides from people much smaller than me so don’t be afraid to give one to someone even if your shorter, you’ll be surprised on how good it works
Comment by elag — July 12, 2006 @ 8:32 am