My Official Stance on Trees
March 21st, 2006
Some of you may hate me for this.
But there’s a responsibility I have here, being a writer and all with my gajillions of readers, to be honest and forthcoming and completely straight-forward about my beliefs in this world. And with the hundreds of questions I find hurtling my way on a weekly basis, I like to take time out every once in awhile to address the concerns of people like you, and you, and you, and yeah — you over there.
So today, I give you my stance on trees.
Trees. I don’t like ‘em. Not one bit. Sure, they give off oxygen and stuff and allow birds and squirrels places to hide and hang out — but for the most part they’re just yet another annoying bit of nature that I think we’d be better off without. Sure, I could sit here and debate the positives and negatives about a variety of different species of trees but we’d just find ourselves in an endless debate about Firs and Oaks and Palms and what not. And really, don’t you have something better to do than debate trees?
I don’t like tree-debators.
But that’s another post altogether, this subject of people who like to sit around and debate you about what kind of trees they like and what kind of trees you should like. You know, most of the tree-debators can usually be found out at barbecues, eating a hot dog and staring up at the trees ready to debate you on the whole tree thing. Let’s take a quick flashback to Summer 2004:
Them: “I’m a big fan of oak trees.”
Me: “Oh yeah?”
Them: “Yeah. You can count on an oak tree. Solid. Unwavering. You can’t really climb a fir tree or a magnolia tree, but you sure as hell can climb an oak tree.”
Me: “Yeah, I never liked oak trees.”
Them: “Are you crazy? Not like oak trees?”
Me: “Yeah, so what.”
Them: “Are you a Communist or something?”
Me: “Communism is dead, sorry to tell you.”
Them: “Oak trees have outlasted Communism. How’s that for a solid tree you can count on?”
But we’re not talking about tree-debators.
My official stance on trees has got to be that trees are sort of a useless thing that we really don’t need. I mean, trees are the garbage litterers of the natural world. Sure, they grow stuff on them, but then they drop their leaves and acorns and fruit all over the ground where they rot and leave garbage for us to clean up. If a person did that, you’d give them a ticket and site them for doing something illegal. But a tree does it, and what do you think? You think, awwww nature.
Well, I don’t think “awww, nature.”
How many people do you know who have sustained injuries by running into trees? Falling out of trees? Smashing their cars into trees? How many people do you know have attempted to build a house in a tree and ended up being taken away in an ambulance? How many people do you know who have gotten splinters from wood, which ironically just happens to come from a tree? How many bugs, living in trees, have bitten you? How many bee-hives, stuck in trees, have let loose an entire colony of the nasty stingers on you — only to send you and your entire family to the doctor’s office? How many trees have fallen on houses, destroying them? How many trees have collapsed entire roads?
I mean, what good has a tree ever done for you?
I believe that trees are probably the most harmful natural item to grow on this Earth and if I had my way I would sign the order to chop down each and every one of those bastards and make sure they never ever grew up from the ground until the end of time. We could put up far better things in their places — like mini-malls and flowery-looking things made out of paper mache. There would never be any more of those “he pulled out from behind a tree and I didn’t see him” car accident excuses anymore thus reducing this country’s insurance premiums ten-fold. Bird flu would be all but gone thanks to the fact that birds would no longer have a place to live, which would kill them all off before they could even contract the damn virus. People wouldn’t worry about the damn things falling on their houses in hurricanes. Vermin that live in the stupid things couldn’t hide from us shotgun wielding landowners anymore.
The world would totally be a better place.
Now, talk to me about bushes and I’ve got a whole different opinion. My official stance on bushes that are shorn and kept close to the ground is that I’m a big supporter of those little guys. I’m also a huge supporter of hedges and those mini-tree looking things that Mr. Miyagi was so good at trimming. I mean, let’s be honest — a world filled with mini-trees would be something I could sign off on. Just not the big, stupid, littering monsters of green.
I just know what’s coming next from the people out there who like to challenge me on things. People are going to start whining about trees giving off oxygen and without trees the world would be in dire straits and boo hoo boo hoo what about how pretty the leaves look when they change in the Spring…
…to which I say — if you are willing to clean up each and every littered leave and goopy sap-covered tree bark shaving and rotten grapefruit and piece of squirrel crap that falls from every tree, every day, every minute of every single hour and you are willing to tell Mr. Jameson from Louisville, Kentucky that the insurance company can’t reimburse him for the damage that this “natural disaster” brought forth on his house… And if you are willing to address the constant chaos caused by these lumbering legumes — then fine. Go ahead.
But you’ll never change my official stance on trees, which is I hate ‘em.
Don’t get me wrong — I’m a lover of all things nature. I love the birds and the bees and the flowers and the streams and the brisk mountain air and the mountain snow and the giggling frogs and the worms and the bushes and the hedges and the oh-so-fresh water you can drink directly from that pristine and untouched-by-man stream…
But I’m just not a huge fan of trees.
Now moss? Moss is a totally different story. Moss and hedges and mini-Miyagi trees, okay. Rocks? Totally. Little cute pebbles and underground gopher colonies? Totally on board. My official stance on those things, well, I’m feeling pretty positive about them.
But trees? Screw ‘em.
—
In other news, I would like to announce that WFME has been awarded the Best Intellectual Blog award in the Silver Blue Weblog Awards as well as snagging a 2nd Place mention as the Most Humorous Blog.
This means big things, people. Big. Things. (Can someone tell me what big things this means?)
Leaves change in the spring?
Congratulations on the awards. Interesting how this could be the best intellectual blog while also being the second most humorous.
Comment by Rabbit — March 21, 2006 @ 5:11 am
Rabbit - If I cared about trees, I’d know when the damn leaves change. Which I don’t. Because I’m a little more concerned about when they FALL. All over my lawn. Which I have to clean up. Which is yet another reason trees should be eradicated.
Comment by Pauly D — March 21, 2006 @ 5:13 am
Best Intellectual Blog? What? You just wrote about hating trees for 1200 words. Who was the competition?
Comment by Pierce — March 21, 2006 @ 5:24 am
Pierce - If you must know, I was uncontested as the Best Intellectual Blog. And besides — some of the most opinionated figures throughout history, who were mocked just like you mocked me, were uber-intellectuals. I mean, look at that guy who said that thing that one time. He was smart.
Comment by Pauly D — March 21, 2006 @ 5:30 am
I would have contested it if I only had the opportunity.
I’ve just decided that I’m the uncontested King of the Universe. Nominations closed three minutes ago, so you missed your chance. Sorry.
Comment by Pierce — March 21, 2006 @ 5:35 am
i had a date with a tree one night…
Comment by Wendi — March 21, 2006 @ 6:10 am
If it weren’t for trees, Merry and Pippin wouldn’t have made it through the forrest so quickly to…um…wherever they were going (I don’t know, I was munching on loud popcorn at the time). And the trees helped…like…kill bad people.
So, I’m all for trees. You know, in case I need to, like, travel on top of one all fast-like to somewhere and go on a murder spree.
Comment by Chase — March 21, 2006 @ 6:12 am
And if a tree gets you going… just think about when a group of them get together and form a gang, which we non-L.A. people call a “forest”. Ever notice how half the horror movies released seem to take place in a forest? Scary, scary stuff.
Oh well, at least the forests we have here aren’t populated by GIANT REDWOOD TREES like you have in California. Those bastards have just got to go… I don’t care how many millions of years they’ve been around.
Comment by Dave2 — March 21, 2006 @ 6:24 am
I’ll tell you what good a tree did for me… it was a weak, yet large, tree that finally decided to call it a day as my evil witchy neighbor was walking near it. Kerplunk (the sound I imagine a tree would prefer to make upon falling when no one is around to hear it or when the only witness is snuffed by said tree)!
No more evil witchy neighbor.
Okay, so that was a load of idealized B.S. Sounded good, though, didn’t it?
Comment by Kevin — March 21, 2006 @ 6:25 am
Dave - You are so right about forests. Forests are horrible.
Kevin - See? You can’t even MAKE UP a story of a tree doing some kind of good deed in this world because it just comes across as unrealistic. Boo, I say. Boo, on those bastardy trees.
Comment by Pauly D — March 21, 2006 @ 6:32 am
Congrats! You sure showed those pseudo-intellectual tree-lovers. Nobody brings it like our Pauly D.
Comment by annabel lee — March 21, 2006 @ 6:57 am
What good has a tree ever done me? Well, I’ll tell ya …
I was being followed by two men one dark night and didn’t know what to do … they were getting closer and closer …
I cut across a park (which normally would be a stupid thing to do) but I disappeared into the darkness and UP A TREE! They couldn’t find me and as I perched right above their heads, I could hear them saying, “Where did she go?”
Whew! Thanks, Tree!
Comment by nic — March 21, 2006 @ 7:03 am
How early did you get up to write this? It seems to be unusually passionate… something that would keep you up all night perhaps. I sense this has been boiling inside of you for a long time now.
Comment by Janet — March 21, 2006 @ 8:19 am
Janet - You are very perceptive. I woke up at 4am PST and could not get back to sleep. I started thinking about things. Then trees entered my head and I got angry. So I got up. And wrote this post. And went back to bed. And couldn’t fall asleep, all thanks to the damn trees.
Comment by Pauly D — March 21, 2006 @ 8:22 am
ugh. I’m anti-rocks, but pro-tree. I’m on the fence with moss… I could probably be swayed.
Comment by Bre — March 21, 2006 @ 8:25 am
Let me guess — a tree mugged you once and this is the result of years of pent-up rage?
Comment by Keith — March 21, 2006 @ 8:55 am
But Pauly, are you not a fan of shade? Trees give us shade. Therefore, trees are good.
Comment by Hilary — March 21, 2006 @ 8:59 am
No, no, no! You clearly have not thought this through.
Without trees there would be no oranges.
Without oranges there would be no orange juice.
No OJ = human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA!!
Comment by C Ro — March 21, 2006 @ 9:22 am
“Bastardy trees”?!?!? So now you’re bringing their genetic heritage into question??? For shame, Pauly D!!!
Comment by Kevin — March 21, 2006 @ 9:23 am
“I mean, trees are the garbage litterers of the natural world.”
Now that sounds like something my dad would say. The first order of business when moving into a new house is to cut down all trees on the property. He cannot stand the natural world litterers.
So, genetically, I suppose I’m predisposed to tree hatred.
Comment by Jaclyn — March 21, 2006 @ 9:30 am
…and coconuts fall without warning. People die!
Comment by purpletwinkie — March 21, 2006 @ 9:39 am
oh hey! thanks to you i just discovered that i tied for 3rd place in two categories. who knew!?
“Big things” means a whole lot of nothing after a whole lot of hoopla.
Comment by ms. sizzle — March 21, 2006 @ 9:55 am
Let me get this straight, you hate all trees and their littering ways? So, your books are printed on shrub-derived paper? Hmm?
Comment by susan — March 21, 2006 @ 10:34 am
Susan - You are correct, in fact! My upcoming book, The Lost Blogs is being printed on a pulp that is made from the grinding and mashing up of small, well-manicured shrubs.
Comment by Pauly D — March 21, 2006 @ 10:42 am
Communism is just a red herring.
As for the argument about the beauty of the leaves when they change in the fall, it totally doesn’t work here in one-season-all-year California.
And there was the very bad incident with the foot-long splinter in my brother’s leg.
But I do love to read books made of paper made of trees.
And what about the time my friend drove off a cliff and her car landed in a tree? If not for that tree, my friend would not have lived!
It’s a tough one to decide for me.
Comment by Nicole — March 21, 2006 @ 10:57 am
Are you also talking about the talking trees that you find in “The Wizard of Oz” and “Lord of the Rings?” Because they are sort of cool, and they actually do things like fight and kill people. Surely, you don’t put them in the same category as regular ol’ trees?
Comment by Neil — March 21, 2006 @ 11:04 am
Neil - I hate to break it to you, but there’s no such thing as talking trees, and those movies you mention actually never happened in the real world. Just an FYI, in case you didn’t know for sure.
Comment by Pauly D — March 21, 2006 @ 11:07 am
If we get rid of all the trees, what will all the treehuggers start hugging?
Comment by monkeyinabox — March 21, 2006 @ 11:56 am
what have trees ever done for me? Well… apples, for one. And they’ve given some place to hang my christmas ornaments.
Comment by jodi — March 21, 2006 @ 3:48 pm
I mostly agree with you Pauly, but I think someone should point out that getting rid of trees would drive snakes, moles, and other forest brick-a-brak into towns and cities. With no ecosystem, they’d be forced to move and adapt, so all your pretty streams and bees and flowers would probably all get destroyed in some way.
But yeah, trees suck.
Comment by Glen — March 21, 2006 @ 4:33 pm
It’s a damn good thing Barbara Walters never asked you what kind of tree you’d be, if you were a tree. Well, good if you don’t want Barbara to fall over with a heart attack when you proclaim that you would be a dead tree, since you’d be filled with self-hatred and would destroy yourself…but good if you don’t want Babs around.
Comment by sandra — March 21, 2006 @ 5:44 pm
congrats on the awards, maybe big things means you’ll get your own sitcom.
Comment by better safe than sorry — March 21, 2006 @ 6:44 pm
Now that you mention it . . . it is sorta creepy how trees are just . . . everywhere.
Comment by Joe — March 21, 2006 @ 6:44 pm
If all the trees are gone how would we navigate in a forest? Because you do know Pauly moss grows on the North side of tree trunks.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — March 21, 2006 @ 7:12 pm
Oops. I guess if there were no trees, there would be no forests, so I wouldnt need to navigate. Brilliant Pauly!
Comment by H.F. Peterman — March 21, 2006 @ 7:13 pm
35 comments? You are inciting the population to riot! I urge you, Pauly, to select less inflammatory topics in the future!
Comment by susan — March 22, 2006 @ 6:18 am
hm, how do you feel about shrubbery? do they get the short end of the stick, constantly living in the shadow of their older taller cousin, those damn trees?!
Comment by amanda — March 22, 2006 @ 7:55 am
omg if we didnt have trees we would die you noob
Comment by 7yearoldstupidkid — March 31, 2006 @ 10:07 pm