I’m No Shuttle Commander And Neither Are You

Yes, that’s right.

Because even though I’m wearing a Bluetooth cell phone ear-piece head-set cancer-causing electronic lobe-hanger doesn’t mean that my code name is Desert Fox or that I’m constantly in contact with FBI agents who are securing the perimeter. It doesn’t mean that “the eagle has landed” is about to land or may be landing sometime in the near future.

And it definitely doesn’t mean that I’m a shuttle commander — and the same goes for you.

Yet when I walk into a restaurant or a lunch establishment or the post office or some other public place with my Lobaphone hanging from my ear, with the flashing flourescent blue light flash flash flashing away — everyone else must assume that I think I am the most important person on the planet. That, in the event of global warming taking a turn for the worse or the aliens finally deciding to nuke the planet or the, yes…Shuttle, careening towards Cape Canaveral with no hope in sight — that fortunately while I am eating my bean burrito that contact with me will always be possible.

Via my wonderfully annoying-looking Bluetooth cell phone ear-piece Borg acoutrament.

I think at first, the appeal has to do with the whole hands free thing. You know, we’re all moving towards that place in the evolution of society where we don’t want to have to use our hands for anything anyway. One day, the phone will ring (in our ears), we will say something like “answer the phone”, the phone will be answered, we will talk through our earpiece, have someone feeding us food pellets while it’s happening and be urinating in our own attached (yet hidden) plastic bag on the inside of our clothes — all the while swinging our free hands in the air and proclaiming “my hands are freeeeeeeeeeeee, my hands are free at last!”

But until that point… Until that almost unreal moment in our development… Until living our lives requires zero hand manipulation whatsoever… Can we give up on the hands-free ear piece speaker thing until we really, desperately have a need for one?

Don’t get me wrong — I deviated off the path of proper, sane cell phone etiquette somewhere between purchasing my Bluetooth lobaphone and actually putting it away in a drawer forever after being assaulted by non-lobaphone owning hooligans. I walked into places of business saying “hello” and having no one around me knowing if I was talking to them or the voices in my head. I had sat across from people at a lunch, worn my Shuttle Commander ear-corder and said things like, “I’d like some assistance please,” only to have my close friends coordinate an intervention when in reality I was just asking for the local Blockbuster Video number, over my earpiece, via 411.

The confusion was too great for this wannabe Shuttle Commander.

And so I put my earwig into the drawer and forever swore off the use of my wireless, Bluetooth ear piece cell phone hands free no-soul cancer causing foolproof foolish device. I left it there and continue to leave it there for fear of feeling the excitement well up again inside of me at the thought of hands-free wireless communication without any physical excursion whatsoever. I have sworn it off forever, at the thought of people thinking of me as “above the law.” I have removed the earpiece in the hopes that people will know, 100% for sure, if I am talking to them while I am standing directly next to them.

I have given up on being that spy and that FBI agent and that Shuttle Commander, all in the hopes that I can make the world a better, more communicative place without having to use a crutch to make that happen.

No, I’m no Shuttle Commander.

And neither are you.

16 comments on “I’m No Shuttle Commander And Neither Are You

  1. nic - March 20, 2006 at 9:08 am -

    Thank you for that! I can’t tell you how many times I have answered a question that wasn’t directed at me!

    It’s both embarrassing and annoying.

  2. Melina - March 20, 2006 at 9:09 am -

    Once again, thanks for saying what many (all?) of us are thinking Pauly.

  3. Keith - March 20, 2006 at 9:11 am -

    Yeah well… us non-Bluetoothed-phone-using folks don’t even get that option. We just get to wander around with the phones to our heads, giving ourselves a tumor that will later cause us to believe the voices we hear in our heads are actually other people talking to us on a phone.

  4. Pauly D - March 20, 2006 at 9:13 am -

    Ah, head cancer.

    Good times.

  5. susanocuteus of borg - March 20, 2006 at 9:15 am -

    Warp engines are back on line… Oh sorry, Pauly, I wasn’t talking to you.

  6. Kevin - March 20, 2006 at 9:27 am -

    Thank you for ridding yourself of that evil little androidinous piece of electrical garbage. They frighten me. I pray I never need one. It’s Cyberdyne’s first step in converting the populace into cyborgs to make their robot takeover of the planet that much easier. You realize that, don’t you?

  7. Flower Girl - March 20, 2006 at 9:43 am -

    “urinating in our own attached (yet hidden) plastic bag on the inside of our clothes”…

    Um, you go right ahead, Lobe Boy. I will stick with using the Ladies Room. Although I agree that it is wise that you gave up on the ear-thingy. Those seem to generate the same looks that the first mobile phones earned. I remember seeing dorks in the mall with these huge phones with briefcase battery pack. Now THOSE guys probably all have head cancer by now…

  8. jerry - March 20, 2006 at 10:12 am -

    Honestly, and no offense to those who are attached to their ear pieces, to me, nothing says self-absorbed A-hole louder than folks always using that thing. How did the world ever get by without the cellphone and this latest advance in communication technology? I don’t understand how people can’t finish a lunch hour or food shopping without having to engage publicly in a private phone conversation. Personally, to avoid such judgement from others, I have had my bluetooth bud surgically implanted under the skin behind my right earlobe. But everyone else needs to hang up the damn phones in public and get over themselves already.

  9. Dave2 - March 20, 2006 at 10:19 am -

    Bah, I want a full space helmet or nothing at all.

  10. Janet - March 20, 2006 at 10:45 am -

    Perhaps the most important-looking feature of your ear bud was the fact that it was blue and flashing. A good deal of the populace have been pulled over by that same, ever feared, flashing blue and been interegated by a man who smelled strongly of Stetson colonge and donuts.

    Putting that thing away and out of sight was probably the best course of action.

  11. purpletwinkie - March 20, 2006 at 10:53 am -

    I can’t wait for a Pee Suit! It’ll be great to sit in a theater and pee without having to get up and miss the movie.

  12. Chase - March 20, 2006 at 12:54 pm -

    I like you more all the time. I recently blogged about the gaybo head gear that people wear now. Yours is fine, though – now that it’s in the drawer.

  13. Nicole - March 20, 2006 at 1:27 pm -

    Earwigs really sick me out. And so do the self-important Bluetooth-wearing wannabe-shuttle commanders. Which I can only say now because you are no longer one of them.

  14. sandra - March 20, 2006 at 3:31 pm -

    I think I’d be a really good shuttle commander, though! And who are you to tell me that my dream can’t happen?!

    (cries under desk)

  15. Mik - March 21, 2006 at 7:33 pm -

    I put my hands free earpiece in the drawer too, when it rang the female voice whoudl ask if I wanted to answer, no matter how many times I said “yes” she kept repeating the bloody question. Must be my accent.

    Plus people kept thinking I am standing there talking to myself.


  16. ephriam - June 20, 2006 at 10:22 pm -

    I just found this after writing a tirade about “borg phones” to all my friends. I am so glad to see that some people who have used them see the inherant evil and impersonality involved with such a device. Through the ages, people come up with technologies that are just pointless. (like the battery operated rotating marshmellow roasting stick). I’m serous (sp) it exists; google it.
    Thank You,

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