Matthew Perry Just Wants A Diet Coke
March 18th, 2006
Celebrities like soda just like you and me.
And just when you thought that celebrities had their paid servants sitting in a room grinding up chemicals and combining them with caramel-colored additives and then adding carbonated water in an attempt to give them the highest quality carbonated drinks ever on the face of the Earth, you run into a celebrity at a local movieplex and realize that such rumors are totally, fully, one-hundred percent NOT true.
Which was evidenced last night by Matthew Perry, his Diet Coke and me.
I was seeing Thank You For Smoking at the Hollywood Arclight Cinemas last night — which, as always, seems to be the best place for star sighting on any given day on any given week, in any given politically-charged world environment. Stars love movies. They love going out to see movies. And they love being seen.
But they love their diet soda even more.
Matthew Perry was standing in line in front of me at the concession counter, chatting away with a friend who had accompanied him there. They were doing the kind of talking that celebrities often do when they know people are listening. Talking about generic things, like cars and other movies and a pair of shoes that Matthew’s friend had purchased. But then, Matthew Perry got up to the counter and made his deep desires known:
Matthew Perry: “Diet Coke, please.”
Concession Worker: “Diet Coke, okay. Anything else?”
Matthew Perry: “Nope, that’s it.”
The words rang in my head, echoing over and over again. “Nope, that’s it. Nope, that’s it.” If you ever watched the news or talked to anyone who knew about food digestion and what not, you know that you just don’t get a carbonated beverage on an empty stomach. I mean, it’s not good for your lower intestines. Because when you introduce your empty stomach to a carbonated beverage, and that beverage doesn’t have other recently eaten food to mix with, the carbonation sits in there and bubbles and rubs up against your stomach lining and causes your stomach to feel full, distended and it’s generally an uncomfortable situation.
So, I did what I normally shouldn’t do — and I made sure Mr. Perry knew what he was getting himself into:
Me: “Just a Diet Coke, huh?”
Matthew Perry did this little head twist, partly trying to determine if I was even talking to him. So, while his head was turned, I repeated my line.
Me: “Just a Diet Coke, is that all you’re getting?”
Matthew Perry: “Yeah. Just a Diet Coke.”
He turned back around. But I couldn’t let it go. His comfort was at stake here…
Me: “You know — your stomach is gonna fill up with so much gas from carbonation, you’re going to have a distended belly like an hour into the movie you’re seeing. And then, you’re going to have to go to the bathroom and miss part of the movie.”
Matthew Perry: “Oh, how do you figure?”
Me: “Trust me on this one, man. You never just go with a soda and nothing else.”
Now Matthew Perry had fully turned around to address me. Others around me were eavesdropping to see what exactly this Friends star was saying to the nobody behind him:
Matthew Perry: “What, are you like a digestion specialist or something?”
Matthew turned, laughing to his friend, with his digestion quip. It was good, especially for someone who didn’t have a cadre of sitcom writers backing him up. But I wasn’t going to let him off that easily.
Me: “I am, actually. USC, Class of ‘96. And if you don’t want to ruin the inner lining and cilia of your lower intestines, you’d be smart and order a popcorn or a hot dog or some kind of solid food item that will offset the chemical reaction you’re just minutes away from having.”
And then, there was a long pause. Perry looked to his friend, then back to the concession worker, who plopped the sole Diet Coke on the counter.
Concession Worker: “Three sixty five.”
And there was a brief pause before Matthew Perry came out with this perfect little gem:
Matthew Perry: “Actually, you know what? Can I get a popcorn, too?”
And as Matthew Perry and his Diet Coke and his popcorn and his friend left me to do my own bidding at the candy counter, he looked back and rolled his eyes at me as if I had just made him do something he had not wanted to do. But, in reality, I had seemingly saved his night from an uncomfortable lower intestine situation for no other reason than I was being a good samaritan.
Someday he would understand what I had done and why — and realize that normal everyday non-celebrities do care about others and their Diet Cokes.
Even when there’s absolutely no money involved.
Little did they know that the nobody standing behind him, has a weblog read by millions, or is it thousands or maybe just dozens of nobody’s.
Have always wanted to pretend to be a digestion specialist?
Comment by H.F. Peterman — March 18, 2006 @ 9:43 am
H.F. - Currently, it’s half a million. As for always wanting to be a digestion specalist — I AM ONE. It’s a hobby.
Comment by Pauly D — March 18, 2006 @ 9:48 am
Hahaha, that is great. I can just imagine his face after he says his joke and you say, “I am, actually.”
Comment by Glen — March 18, 2006 @ 9:48 am
Oh sure… you perform such gastroenterological niceties for the stars, but what about us non-celebrities? If I were buying nothing but a Diet Coke, would my colon be worth the effort to you? I weep for your indifference towards my intestinal distress.
Comment by Dave2 — March 18, 2006 @ 9:57 am
God I love you Pauly!
Comment by Jaclyn — March 18, 2006 @ 10:12 am
Diet Coke, mmmm. Matthew Perry was thanking you and cursing you at the same time - he was probably opting for just a diet beverage to keep his Hollywood figure but secretly longing for some popcorn. But wait, do you really consider yourself to be a “normal everyday non-celebrity”?
Comment by susan — March 18, 2006 @ 11:02 am
Pauly? Do you own a piece of this concession stand?
Comment by purpletwinkie — March 18, 2006 @ 1:13 pm
PT - If I did, I would have suggested getting the Diet Coke, Popcorn, Candy & Hot Dog Special. You save $1.50 if you do that, by the way.
Comment by Pauly D — March 18, 2006 @ 1:16 pm
you’re too much pauly
Comment by Wendi — March 18, 2006 @ 4:03 pm
oh, come on. really? REALLY? you really had that conversation with him?
do you know how many people he’s going to tell that story to? “so you know there i was in line trying to order a diet coke, and this guy…”
you are too good.
Comment by Sarcomical — March 18, 2006 @ 4:25 pm
It’s strange: I was in the same exact movie (row Y, seat eight) and didn’t see you or Perry or any diet soda. Maybe you made the whole thing up.
Comment by JM — March 18, 2006 @ 4:37 pm
i almost always drink my diet coke unaccompanied by other comestibles, and deliberately so. otherwise i feel too full. besides, i love that feeling when the chemicals first hit my empty stomach and the caffeine jolt kicks in.
i’m off to the fridge right now.
Comment by dgm — March 18, 2006 @ 4:41 pm
Three sixty-five for a Diet Coke?!!!
Did you ever think that maybe Matthew Perry couldn’t AFFORD popcorn too on his post-Friends budget?
Comment by Rabbit — March 18, 2006 @ 4:59 pm
Never, ever eat a hot dog in a movie theatre. They keep sending ‘em out until they’re eaten, even if they’re turning grey inside. Trust me–I have the inside track on this. Popcorn is the safest thing at the concession stand.
Comment by Heather — March 18, 2006 @ 5:49 pm
Rabbit - Yeah. And movie tickets cost $14.
Heather - At Arclight Hollywood they don’t just have hot dogs, they have Sausage Pesto & Sun-Dried Tomato things that come in sourdough bread rolls. And instead of popcorn (which they have), they make their own homemade caramel corn. Warm!
Comment by Pauly D — March 18, 2006 @ 6:27 pm
Wow, your powers of persuasion are good. Imagine where this gift could take you.
I’m waiiting to hear that story retold on Matthew Perry’s next interview with Leno (kind of like that Seinfeld episode … but hopefully not in the bad George way, but in a good WFME way).
Comment by Boogie's Mom — March 18, 2006 @ 7:22 pm
Just the thought of telling a celebrity where to get off as if you did it every day is just… amazing. Do you have classes? I couldn’t possibly tell Matthew Perry, who probably had a couple security croonies hiding behind the curtains of the theator, that his intestinal tract is in danger.
I loved it. Meet celebrities more often and I’ll comment more often, I promise.
Comment by Janet — March 18, 2006 @ 7:49 pm
I applaud your wit and gastrointestiverbiage. I was just in the theatre and could have very easily used your coaching.
My girl and I ordered large Cokes and the dim light counter jockette brought us both plastic BARRELS of carbopleasure. Seriously, unless I’m hooked up to a portable relief system, there is no way I could hope to consume that whole thing, even in a back to back sitting of all three installments of LOR. At the sight of it, my bladder simply gave up and began last rites.
The jockette at the counter finished our transaction with these words. “Oh yeah. Refills are free.”
Where is a Beverage Carbologist who can issue gastric citations when you need one?
Comment by Matt — March 18, 2006 @ 8:01 pm
I adore Matthew Perry. I’m so glad you helped him out, Pauly.
Comment by Lynn — March 18, 2006 @ 9:27 pm
More importantly… what’d you think of the movie??
Comment by Keith — March 19, 2006 @ 12:16 am
Keith - Thank You For Smoking was good as a movie, great for Aaron Eckhart who needs to do more movies like these and less movies like The Core.
Comment by Pauly D — March 19, 2006 @ 7:58 am
never mind the movie, what did you order with your diet coke? i’m a pepsi girl myself. i saw seen matthew perry up close a few years ago, he was painfully thin, and he was ordering a beer.
Comment by better safe than sorry — March 19, 2006 @ 8:37 am
I had no idea you were such a bossy boots.
Comment by Brooke — March 19, 2006 @ 8:42 am
Interesting factoids Pauly!
Actually not so much…
Comment by LisaBinDaCity — March 19, 2006 @ 2:00 pm
Your persuasian skills are off the chart, Pauly! I love it. I love it a LOT. And I love most that you share all this with us.
Comment by C(h)ristine — March 19, 2006 @ 3:16 pm
Ya-ha!
Are you sure you were not writing a TV commercial for Tums or Prilosec! LOL I drink diet coke on an empty stomach all the time, I guess that explains my stomach acid coming up and locking itself forever in my throat, OUCH! Thanks Polly, maybe I’ll switch to water instead.
Take care
Jenn
Comment by Jenny M — March 19, 2006 @ 9:04 pm
If you really cared about Matthew Perry’s gastroinstestinal health, you might have suggested he take his business elsewhere, i.e. a theater that’s licensed to peddle diet PEPSI as opposed to the chemical syrup concoction that some like to call diet Coke.
Comment by Sara J. — March 20, 2006 @ 3:54 am
“At Arclight Hollywood they don’t just have hot dogs, they have Sausage Pesto & Sun-Dried Tomato things that come in sourdough bread rolls. And instead of popcorn (which they have), they make their own homemade caramel corn. Warm!”
Celebrity sighting chances aside, the next time I’m in LA I’m definitely going to spend part of my travel budget at that theater.
And now I’m going to turn off the computer and sit staring at the wall, wondering if I’ve entered the twilight zone since a movie theater concession stand menu actually made my mouth water.
Comment by the swede — March 20, 2006 @ 12:06 pm
I would have had a hard time not saying “yeah, if you don’t order some food, in an hour you’ll be saying ‘could my stomach BE any more gassy?’”
Or asking him when filming starts on The Whole Nine Yards 2:Electric Bugaloo
Comment by Elizabeth — March 20, 2006 @ 2:22 pm
it is unethical to pass yourself off as a specialist in an area when it is just a hobby. your information may have been accurate, but you LIED when you claimed to be a digestion specialist. if this is just a hooby, i am assuming that your degree is not in any field remotely related to nutrition. assuming that you even have a degree. see that’s how this credibility thing works. one lie makes people start wondering if you are even capable of telling the truth.
Comment by celia — March 20, 2006 @ 7:01 pm
Celia - So true, so true. Fortunately, I grew up in a household where I was taught the truth about digestion and how a variety of beverages affect the inner-stomach. Did you know that you’re not supposed to drink while eating a meal? It halts the digestion.
Just, FYI.
Comment by Pauly D — March 20, 2006 @ 7:30 pm
yes pauly i am aware that eating and drinking at the same time is not good for your digestion. however, the fact that i know this and a bunch of other nutrition-related facts does not make me an expert on nutrition and consequently i choose not to advertise myself as such. because it’s quite simply unethical. you could have given Mr. Perry the advice without the added false representation. i believe you get my point.
Comment by celia — March 20, 2006 @ 9:07 pm
Celia - I would prefer to agree to disagree on this one. I give my friends advice on doing their taxes, but I am not a CPA. I give my friends looking to buy a house advice, but I am not a realtor. I give my Friends advice on eating and drinking and digestion but I am not an accredited digestion therapist.
I think you get my point.
Comment by Pauly D — March 20, 2006 @ 9:37 pm
Matthew Perry: “What, are you like a digestion specialist or something?”
Me: “I am, actually. USC, Class of ‘96…”
yeah pauly, let’s agree to disagree.
Comment by celia — March 20, 2006 @ 9:57 pm
Celia - Yeah, I guess I see your point now.
Comment by Pauly D — March 20, 2006 @ 10:02 pm
I am going to have to re-read this entry, because I totally must have missed the part where you told Matthew Perry it was your medical opinion that he should cut out his intestines with a rusty spoon.
If joking around with people gets you this kind of scrutiny, I am in very, very big trouble.
Comment by Dave2 — March 20, 2006 @ 10:45 pm
Dave - We’re all in very big trouble.
Comment by Pauly D — March 21, 2006 @ 4:08 am
hmmm…i read a blog entry and comment on it like i and many others are expected to, which is assumably why it exists.
and just like that i find myself guilty of the crime of scrutiny!
guess i won’t come back here. wouldn’t want to make the natives feel uncomfortable or anything.
cheerio!!! :wavey:
C
Comment by celia — March 21, 2006 @ 8:10 am
In a strange effort to protect MP’s stomach lining, you persuaded him to get artery-clogging, fat-laden, carb-intense popcorn? So, exactly what was your strategy again? Please, never, ever, help me.
Comment by gwen — March 21, 2006 @ 3:37 pm
uh oh. I’m in big trouble too. I lie about being Seinfeldian specialist everyday.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — March 21, 2006 @ 7:31 pm
Great story.
But, please tell me that the lovely Lauren Graham wasn’t with him.
Comment by Peter — March 22, 2006 @ 12:14 pm
oh great there is a celebrity,an actor,everybody know him because that is a part of his job and now he can’t even have his soda or whatever because someone REALLY CARES…..about his stomach.well fuck you, nobody asked you to care.go mattew!
Comment by durak — April 6, 2006 @ 4:02 am
durak, seriously you’re right he orders whatever he wants to order, but Paul helped him to have a nice evening in the cinema, and not in the bathroom !!! yeah he’s a celebrity but he is a human ! If people who aren’t actors can’t talk to him about something, because it’s a celebrity, OMG ! especcially when it’s helping !
Comment by marie — May 18, 2006 @ 11:07 pm
You sound like a real know it all. Gosh, I resent people like you.
“Someday he would understand what I had done and why — and realize that normal everyday non-celebrities do care about others and their Diet Cokes.”
This sentence makes you sound like you’re above Matthew Perry, which is simply not the case. We’re all the same. Keep your discredited “knowledge of expertise” to yourself unless you are able to be more civil about it. You don’t just approach someone (a stranger) and ask them, “Just a Diet Coke, is that all you’re getting?” Frankly, you are not his parent and you are almost patronizing the poor guy. You seems like a real cheeky smart ass. No wonder he rolled his eyes at you!
Comment by Ril — July 23, 2008 @ 11:19 pm