If I Was In ‘Say Anything’ And Didn’t Have A Boombox
March 16th, 2006
Boomboxes are sort of over.
I mean, with everyone so obsessed with iPODs and other small devices that play their MP3s, we’re left in a society where boomboxes are sort of the 8-track tapes of the last decade — leaving people like me, if I was in the movie Say Anything with quite an intriguing conundrum. For if I wanted to woo a woman, from beneath her bedroom window, at three in the morning — what would I do?
What. Would. I. Do?
Know that I’m not living in a dreamworld here, thinking that I was actually in the classic 80’s flick Say Anything. But know that since the real world often mirrors the events in famous movies — there are guys out there who are looking for ways to steal back women that they have wronged by using those classic “aww” moments from classic “aww” movies.
Unfortunately, technology has sort of ruined it all.
These days, no guy would stand below a girl’s window and blast music on a boombox. First of all, who sells boomboxes anymore and second of all — it looks so out-of-date that no guy’s gonna wanna do it. So instead, what are the guys of today doing to replicate that moment from Say Anything? Well, there’s guys who are sending MP3s to their ex-girlfriend’s cell phones and hoping they pick up the phone, blast the volume, listen to the song, then read the text message that says “look out your window”, then they look out the window and see the guy standing there — at which point the guy does some universal hand-signals (as to not wake up the neighbors and get arrested for public intoxication) in an attempt to get his girl back in his corner.
There’s other guys who craft elaborate webpages or blogs with integrated media players and then send anonymous IM’s to the woman in question — requesting their presence at the particular URL. Once they go there, they’re met with the music, images, perhaps a montage of photos…and the digital version of Say Anything’s classic historical 80’s moment has been recreated in today’s environment.
Booooooooooring.
If Say Anything was filmed today and I was slotted in the role that John Cusack had — sure, I would probably have trouble lugging an old-school boombox over to some girl’s house (let alone the trenchcoat thing which I could so not pull off). So, instead of having to travel to one of those mom & pop boombox stores that are rapidly going out of business these days in order to reach my goal — I would employ a technique that far exceeds the iPOD/MP3 scenario and would immediately put me in a position to impress, ingratiate and interest the girl of my dreams:
I would sing a song in a high-pitched voice.
But not any old high pitched voice. I’m not talking about the kind of falsetto voice that just sounds silly. I’m talking about the kind of high-pitched voice that even dogs can’t hear. The kind of high pitched singing voice that requires years of training with Monks in a far away Shangri-La type of mountain monestary. The kind that is tailored to your unique brain frequency so while you’re trying to fall asleep in bed, you will suddenly hear “our song.” And it will make you think of us. And how we used to be together. And then, following that song, I’ll start transmitting (via my high-pitched singing voice) a song about the moon, perhaps. Which will make you go to the window.
And there I’ll be.
Oh, the romance would be too much for anyone to handle — let alone you. And you would look down at me, standing there with my eyes bugging out from the high pitched silent singing (it requires a lot of energy, by the way) and you would realize that if I went through all the trouble to transmit silent songs from my brain into your head instead of going out and buying a boombox — that this really was true love.
I could also just send you a mixed song CD in the mail if I couldn’t swing the monestary training.
But know this and know this well… I’m not the type of guy to take old technologically-outdated movie moments and try to recreate them today for my own benefit. I’m not going to walk around with boomboxes. I’m not going to pretend to be your father and pick you up at school in a liberated Ferrari. I’m not going to try and create you by using an old oversized computer, a magazine picture and a doll. And I’m definitely not going to drag around the dead body of my boss, pretend that he’s not dead, and hope that you’ll fall for me in the process.
Because in today’s world — none of those things would ever work.
But give me some training, some real world technological know-how and about sixteen years of dedicated thoughtfulness and I will sing songs at a higher frequency right into your brain, will arrange for the entire educational system to be shut down so I don’t have to pick you up at school in the first place, build a robot with real parts that appears to be a real woman so you get jealous and run right back to me and figure out a way to keep my boss alive with chemicals and electrode reactors so that he can tell you how great of an employee I am, thus instilling your confidence in my abilities as a professional whats-it-called.
So, I don’t have a boombox.
There’s always something better to hold up instead.
—
In other news, don’t forget about tomorrow’s “Words For Your Enjoyment.” That’s where you store the idea, you lock it — and I keep the key.
1. I grew up calling it a ghettoblaster, not a boombox. Same thing though, right?
2. What about hooking up your iPod to your car stereo, parking the car in front of the girl’s house, then blasting the stereo. That could work, no?
Comment by Hilary — March 16, 2006 @ 9:12 am
Hil - It’s just sort of complicated because with the iPOD you have to find the right empty FM frequency in order to get it to play wirelessly through your car stereo and what would probably happen if it was me is that I’d find a station, start playing the song, then some Spanish station would start to take over the signal and it would be like really confusing and stuff.
Comment by Pauly D — March 16, 2006 @ 9:17 am
i shouldn’t read your blog when i’m hungover, because you make my brain hurt on a non-hangover day.
this is just retarded. and by “this”, i mean “me”.
Comment by heather — March 16, 2006 @ 9:23 am
I feel like you’re ignoring the obvious solution: http://www.apple.com/ipodhifi/
Meanwhile, I have what some may call an “obsession” with John Cusack, and I must tell you that any recreation of a “say anything” moment would have only positive results for any would-be suitors of mine!
Comment by Bre — March 16, 2006 @ 9:34 am
Bre - I knew someone would bring that monstrosity up in a comment. I prefer to believe that it DOES NOT EXIST for the simple fact that it’s, um, sort of garish if you ask me.
And that’s not a boom box - that’s a really big white iPOD holder that happens to have speakers.
Comment by Pauly D — March 16, 2006 @ 9:37 am
Maybe the new Lloyd Dobler is creepy, then? He’d have to scale her wall, put headphones in her ears while she slept, press play and then dive out the window to stand and look melancholy…
Comment by sandra — March 16, 2006 @ 9:42 am
*Love* the picture.
And a good old-fashioned serenade from a boy — y’know, singing the song audibly — will get me every time.
Comment by annabel lee — March 16, 2006 @ 9:49 am
First of all, LOVE the classic 80s movie references!
I guess there wasn’t a second of all. Just that I enjoyed today’s post.
Comment by Nicole — March 16, 2006 @ 10:01 am
lloyd dobler never “wronged” diane court. you know that paul. and boom boxes are retro now so it would still be cool i mean, come on, a guy trying to woo you by showing up in the middle of the night blaring peter gabriel? that will never go out of style in my opinion.
“lloyd, lloyd all null & void, listen to the truth you’re trying to avoid, lloyd!” (do you remember that part by the gas & sip? classic!)
Comment by ms. sizzle — March 16, 2006 @ 10:10 am
Sizzle - “Joe lies when he cries.”
Comment by Pauly D — March 16, 2006 @ 10:11 am
Any chance of you posting a higher res version of the photo accompanying this post? I’d like to see what you put in his hands, if anything. At that size, I can’t tell.
Comment by Kevin — March 16, 2006 @ 10:22 am
i never did understand why he wore that trench coat with the sleeves pushed up, but he sure is sweet to look at. when you watch that movie now, he looks so fresh faced, yummy.
Comment by better safe than sorry — March 16, 2006 @ 10:26 am
How about you buy her a car, fill the trunk with cash, install an expensive stereo system, and leave it parked outside her house with the volume turned up. That wins me over every time. Whoever said romance is dead?
Comment by Hope — March 16, 2006 @ 10:30 am
Kevin - Actually, that’s a picture of me. And I’m holding NOTHING in my hands out of protest of the whole boombox thing. If you squint your eyes, and shake your computer screen back and forth, you’ll be able to see it.
Comment by Pauly D — March 16, 2006 @ 10:32 am
Funny, I’ve been hearing John Cusack singing to me in my own head for many years now. Really, it’s too bad you wasted all that time training at a monastery. Survey some women and you will find ANY sincere effort to be romantic will be well-received, technology be damned.
Comment by susan — March 16, 2006 @ 10:36 am
but I wear one of those skull caps like Magneto does in X-Men…
Comment by Kathleen — March 16, 2006 @ 12:03 pm
Holding a boom box overhead while playing a “please-come-back-to-my-wasted-potential-reality” is so weak. Standing beneath her window and throwing actual mix tapes at her would likely move you to the top of her ‘most noticed’ list. If you really want to stand out, label each mix tape appropriately:
- “I Miss Your Quasi Athletic Torso!”
- “I’m So Sorry For The Food Poisening”
- “Please Stop Sleeping with Biff”
- “What Would Paris Do?”
Comment by mattlandia himself — March 16, 2006 @ 1:38 pm
First their was the garden serenade by a man with a guitar. Then there was the street serenade by a dude with a boombox. Now the machines do all the hard work, (i.e. robot comes knocking on object of affection’s door, and begins playing “Somewhere Only We Know” along with a synchronized robotic dance) eliminating the need for the lover to be anywhere near the vicancy in which the serenading is taking place. He can relax at Starbucks and play checkers.
Bring back the guitar baby.
Comment by Janet — March 16, 2006 @ 2:09 pm
Mattlandia Yourself - Can we call the women with quasi athletic torsos, QAT (pronounced “kwat”) for short?
Janet - Baby, the guitar has never gone away. It’s still here. You just have to learn how to play it.
Comment by Pauly D — March 16, 2006 @ 2:19 pm
i was more affected by that scene in …about last night where rob lowe tries woo demi moore with the doomed-from-the-beginning headphones gambit.
i suppose nowadays he’d be sure to have an iSplitter (c) for his iPod.
but where’s the romance in that? guys have simply forgotten how charming miserable failure is on a first date. magic!
Comment by brandon — March 16, 2006 @ 2:38 pm
“That’ll never be me, that’ll never be me. That’ll never be, never be me. NO… NO, NEVER, NEVER, EVER. And don’t you EVER THINK IT.”
Comment by sandra — March 16, 2006 @ 2:52 pm
It would totally creep me out if you were all up in my brain and shit.
Comment by Alissa — March 17, 2006 @ 5:24 am
This is just too far fetched. “Say Anything” without a boom box? What’s next, “Back to the Future” without a time machine?
It’s like the episode of Seinfeld where George suggests that “Cheers” take place somewhere else besides a bar.
Simply put, there is no movie without the boom box. The plot would disintegrate.
Comment by The Centaur — March 17, 2006 @ 9:06 am
I think that singing in a high-pitched voice is a great idea . . . provided you accompany yourself on the mandolin.
Comment by Rabbit — March 17, 2006 @ 7:38 pm
I guess newer is not always better. At least in the romance/technology department anyhoo.
Comment by LisaBinDaCity — March 18, 2006 @ 5:57 am
Not that this has to do with anything, but I TIVO’d “Say Anything” last weekend. Watched it this week, reliving 88 again. Sooooo loved that movie then..and now.
All you’d have to use Pauly D…your words. You’re just one of those guys. That’s a good thing. Ok, that or a “mix CD..lol” Remember the “Love Mix Tapes” from our younger days.
Ok..just a tangent.
xoxo
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — March 18, 2006 @ 6:39 am
You know, at some point you just have to accept that the girl doesn’t want you. It’s time to give up and use the iPod to listen to some fresh tunes while searching the internet for a new love interest.
Or you could just send a mix CD. But who wants to spend the time to do that?
Comment by Vince — March 20, 2006 @ 3:56 pm
I just found your blog, and I love it! This entry made me laugh out loud… as have several entries of yours that I’ve read tonight. Keep up the good work, I look forward to reading more.
Comment by Erin MJ — March 28, 2006 @ 12:01 am
TRIVIA that wasnt mentioned in this post from anyone!!!
What was the name of the song that John Cusack played on the boombox outside of his girlfriends window????
Comment by Robin — June 7, 2006 @ 11:42 pm