Words for My Enjoyment

Words For Your Enjoyment: Potpourri Friday

March 10th, 2006

A musical or literary melody.

That, my friends, is just what this week’s Words For Your Enjoyment is shaping up to be. A literary kitchen sink of sorts, taking a selection of some of this weeks WFYE suggestions, and giving everyone a chance to finally get an answer. For when I started to think about just picking one on this fine Friday, I realized that by doing so, I could potentially have been crushing the hopes and dreams of someone out there.

So instead, I decided to answer more than one.

This week, H.F. Peterman asks: “Have you ever thought about a sidekick for your blog? Maybe a small Pauly D ventriloquist type-dummy? Maybe he can comment now and then or even post, though WE wouldnt know if you were moving your lips…or would that be NOT seeing you type? Not sure how that would work. Anyways, a mini Pauly D might liven things up around here.”

Great question, H.F..

While I have thought about adding a sidekick for WFME in the past, it has never been a ventriloquist dummy for the simple reason that as a child I was terrified by the movie Magic — a film about a ventriloquist whose dummy actually comes to life and kills people. Of course, there was also the movie Poltergeist in which a children’s dummy starts to attack her from under the bed. And then, due to the fact that I’m also just generally afraid of scary movies and small people would mean that having a freaky little sidekick would probably not be a great idea. But I have thought about having an organ grinder monkey at my service — which would be a wonderful way to make money.

But if I really try to get serious about adding a sidekick to this blog, I think it would definitely have to be an older British gentleman who was skilled in the art of debate, word puzzles and Soduku. Someone who knew more about the Royals and bangers & mash than I did. Someone who wouldn’t fool people into thinking he was me, but give people a periodic respite from the ‘ol Pauly D. And I’d want his name to be Higgins. Or Bentley. Or Mr. Havertash.

Are you out there?

Good WFME friend Pierce asks, “Who is your least favourite commenter on WFME, and why? Basically I just want to hear you rag on someone specific, for once. You can sacrifice one reader, right? You probably have dozens.”

Oh, Pierce. While I probably DO have dozens of readers, you probably love watching that part in American Idol where Ryan Seacrest plays his little word game of “do you stay or do you go,” thus putting the contestants into a downward spiral of mental instability. So, in an attempt to keep with such a theme, I’d like to answer your question using the Ryan Seacrest school of word-twisting:

If I was going to talk about my least favorite (or favourite) commenter on WFME I would have to say that it’s got to be the person who you’ve all seen more than once commenting on posts that have graced the front page of this here site. This commenter may or may not be a woman and may or may not be a man and may or may not know that I dislike them simply because of the reasons I have yet to outline here in this area of this post. But, if I were to just come out and tell you exactly who this one person is, I would have to do it in a timely manner and without fear of retribution. That being said, my least favorite commenter has got to be…Pierce.

I mean, c’mon Pierce — the least you could do, as a commenter, is leave a comment more than once a week. Not doing so, just um, chaps my hide.

Now that we know who I hate, lets move on to daily WFME frequent commenter Daniel who asks, “What if you ran for president of the south pole? Who would vote? The penguins outnumber the scientists. What if you won the popular vote of the penguins, but then the secret society penguin association of polar bears thought things were getting out of hand and sent a team of crack hounds (they have to smell the ice) to hunt you and eliminate the problem?”

Can I just say I am so glad someone finally asked me a question I’ve put a lot of thought into?

First and foremost, running for President of the South Pole is a bigger job than people think. Yes, it’s just as big as running for President of any country except it’s tougher because of all that snow. There’s no holding babies (cause people don’t go outside with babies to hold), there’s no outdoor rallies, there’s no igloo to igloo door knocking (you can’t even knock on doors down there it’s so cold) — while the locale has a climate that’s tough to cope with, running for President is even tougher. Combine with that, the fact that most voters at the South Pole would prefer to vote for one of their own (Eskimos, penquins, polar bears or aliens that live in bases underneath the ice at the magnetic core of the poles) and you’ve got one tough uphill battle to contend with.

That’s why I would totally go for the penguin vote.

As we very well know if we saw March of the Penguins — penguins care about one thing and one thing only…and that’s eggs. They spend so much time during the year guarding their babies in their eggs that my whole platform would center around that issue to get the votes. In fact, my whole campaign would be centered around this one slogan:

Paul Davidson for President of the South Pole: He Loves Your Eggs!

If elected, I would provide winter coats for all penguins, provide South Pole assistance and transportation for all those male penguins having to go to and fro the water… As for the polar bears and crack hounds (what are crack hounds, by the way?) I would just have to do what any potential candidate has to do with crack hounds — you just ignore them and when someone asks you if you like the crack hounds you just smile and say something like, “I’m so glad you asked me that question,” and then never answer it at all.

So, yeah. Vote for me.

Moving on…

WFME’s reader with no website to whore, Susan, writes, “Hey Pauly, I have noticed that you have several pet peeves. Your companion’s annoying habits or soup bowls - so many things get in your way. What trivial occurances make you happy? The world needs to know, lest you be percieved as a persnickety complainer.”

I’m so glad someone finally asked.

I love it when someone falls into a fountain while trying to steal pennies. I get giddy when the mailman gets startled by my dog at the window. I love when people drink, swallow, and then have no control over the almost hilarious gurgle that comes forth from their throats. I like sunshine and kittens, marshmallow and peanut butter, toy stores and butterflies. I love people who wear pants ten sizes too big for their butts simply because they think it looks good and then they trip over themselves while walking into a supermarket. I love people who complain about paper cuts as if they’ve just come back from Vietnam and I can’t get enough of baggers who tell you what kind of bags you should get (“you want paper, trust me”). Oh, and hollowing out a great big french roll and filling it up with chicken salad has got to be the best sandwich on the face of the Earth.

DGM asks, “How come when I want to email you, I have to click the button that orders me to “submit”? That smacks of male hegemony.”

Yes, DGM. It does. Now do it again, or your I.P. address will be banned.

And finally, WFME longtime reader Dylan asks, “As resident expert of psychology, you must be aware of the ongoing debate about whether dogs have feelings and how this applies to cognitive therapy. If dogs have feelings, does that mean Dr. Phil is an idiot?”

Let’s face it — I always like to end a post with a thought about dogs, feelings and Dr. Phil.

Thanks, Dylan.

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