Today’s Alarming Conversation With DirecTV
March 9th, 2006
DirecTV called yesterday.
After I had spent enough money to fund a small South American country by ordering their HDTV and other electronic accoutrements you would have thought they’d leave good enough alone. Yet instead, they decided to have their crack-team of salespeople call me in an attempt to get me to sign up for even more services…
If only the person who called me was actually a decent salesperson.
DirecTV: “We see you’ve just ordered the HDTV package — why not order Showtime as well?”
Me: “There’s nothing good to watch on Showtime. What else you got?”
DirecTV: “Well, there’s Cinemax.”
Me: “Oh, yeah? What do they show on Cinemax?”
It was a question too hard to answer it seemed. There was a long pause. Shuffling papers.
Me: “Hello?”
DirecTV: “One second, sir. I’m looking.”
There was more shuffling of papers. About 15 seconds of dead-air.
DirecTV: [Under her breath] “I hate this damn computer.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
DirecTV: “Nothing, nothing. I’m, oh, okay — here it is. Cinemax has SIX FEET UNDER.”
Me: “Six Feet Under? I already get that on HBO. Did they do some kind of syndication deal with Cinemax now to show it on that channel?”
Another looooong pause.
DirecTV: “Uh… Um… Cinemax has great programming, sir.”
Me: “Oh yeah? Like Six Feet Under?”
DirecTV: “YES. And other stuff, um, too.”
Me: “Well, you can’t expect me to order it if all it has is the same show I already get on HBO. What other shows does it have?”
The sound of someone hitting a keyboard, then-
DirecTV: “Sir — this is my first day back at work in months. I had pneumonia. So did three of my friends.”
Me: “Oh yeah?”
DirecTV: “Yes.”
I waited for more. There was no more. Just silence. And then, the holy grail of information:
DirecTV: “OK. Here we go. (Reading from a paper) Cinemax has films like Robert Redford and you can order Soul Food and don’t forget the TV show with Paul Giamatti.”
Me: “There’s a film called Robert Redford? I never heard of that one.”
DirecTV: “Sir, this is my first day back.”
Me: “Oh yeah? Because of the pneumonia?”
DirecTV: “I’m going to have you talk to my supervisor instead.”
And that was all she wrote. She hung up on me instead.
Long live DirecTV.
—
In other news, the gibberish-speaking phone solicitor I talked with the other day called me back at 1:30 AM and 2:30 AM and 3:30 AM yesterday night. For what reason, I don’t know. Half-asleep I was unable to record the call.
In additional other news, tomorrow brings yet another edition of Words For Your Enjoyment. So, you know — submit an idea for a post if you have ‘em.
For her sake, I hope that wasn’t one of the phone calls they record for quality assurance. And it’s too bad she didn’t pick John Malkovich as the celebrity who’s also a movie…
Comment by annabel lee — March 9, 2006 @ 8:53 am
And people wonder why I still have cable…
Comment by Keith — March 9, 2006 @ 9:04 am
We ditched paying for television long ago in favor of pirating cable from out nieghbors. Then when the neighbors got fast internet, we pirated that too, but now we download the shows using their connection. When it goes down, we turn on our wireless and pick up any of the 5 signals and keep on truckin.
arrrr tis the life of a suburbia pirate.
Comment by Daniel Nicolas — March 9, 2006 @ 9:11 am
i’ve got cable, hundreds and hundreds of stations and there is never anything on. my show will finally be back this weekend, sopranos. maybe you could blog about that show? why i love it so much, is it realistic, where to find the best cannolis in town, are campari tomatoes really that good, why did they wait what feels like five years before showing a new episode?
Comment by better safe than sorry — March 9, 2006 @ 10:10 am
Cinemax has a lot of those R-rated movies late at night with that actress with the fake boobs named Tawny something. It’s not worth the extra money.
Comment by Neil — March 9, 2006 @ 10:25 am
Oh dear. Poorly trained AND clearly not a reader of entertainment-related publications. DirecTV, shame on you!
Comment by sandra — March 9, 2006 @ 10:25 am
ha ha ha. that is really, really funny.
and another reason i never answer my phone.
Comment by ms. sizzle — March 9, 2006 @ 10:44 am
Phenomenal Pneumonial Idiot, Podcast.
Comment by nic — March 9, 2006 @ 10:54 am
Ah, customer service just isn’t what it used to be … or sales people for that matter. This truly was the death of a salesman(person).
I think that woman must have called back because she liked your accent!
Comment by Boogie's mom — March 9, 2006 @ 10:56 am
Oh man, why couldn’t you have podcasted the DirecTV convo? That would have been great.
Comment by Kevin — March 9, 2006 @ 11:14 am
She’s probably not allowed to use the Cinemax late-night soft-core porn as a selling point. Probably because it’s not very good late-night soft-core, though it is better than HBO’s late-night soft core.
Comment by Figs — March 9, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
As someone who works for a big cable company, that was pretty embarassing. She shouldve just said “sir they dont call it skinamax for nothing…” [pause to allow you to imagine the possibilities] When I blunder, I just go with it. “you mean you’ve NEVER heard of the movie ‘Robert Redford’ it was huuuuge at sundance last year…”
ok, i wouldnt actually lie… but i wouldve just hung up when i couldnt find my original script, saving both you and i the added embarassment of selling cinemax.
Starz is the only way to go. Really
Comment by shawna — March 9, 2006 @ 12:54 pm
Shawna - I would sign up for Cinemax the minute some customer service rep called it Skinamax. Just because they took that extra effort to wow me.
Comment by Pauly D — March 9, 2006 @ 12:57 pm
My girlfriend is going through a divorce right now and I thought I would help her out by calling Direct TV for her to find out why, when she changes channels, there is a 6 second pause before the picture shows up.
Let’s just say it was an hour of my life, getting hung up on, being patronized, and waiting on hold that I can never get back. If only you had been there Paul.
Actually, you were. I bought her a copy of your book Consumer Joe that night so at least we still got some laughs (especially at the cat food page).
Anyway, as far as ideas… I still would like to know WHY oh WHY… is MUM the Word???
THanks, for everything!
Jax
Comment by Jacquie — March 9, 2006 @ 3:15 pm
Jacquie - MUM has been “the word” since 1947 when J. Halberd Mumford coined the phrase.
Comment by Pauly D — March 9, 2006 @ 3:25 pm
Hahaha I wish I could use that excuse with my students! “I’m sorry, students, I can’t be bothered to do your educational programming or handle your adjudication - I was previously ill.”
On second thought, they probably wouldn’t mind that all too much…
Comment by Bre — March 9, 2006 @ 7:00 pm
That went slightly better than my call to AOL to cancel my service.
Comment by Rabbit — March 10, 2006 @ 4:15 am
when we ordered HBO last year they threw in Cinemax for an extra buck… yes $1/year and you know what? I just wasted a friggin’ dollar. We never watched anything on there we never got on HBO or was crammed into our mailbox already from Netflix
Comment by The Moviequill — March 12, 2006 @ 8:57 am