If I Lost My Left Foot In A Tragic Skiing Accident That Involved A Bear, Two Explosive Devices And A Leaf Blower

If you’ve seen Final Destination then you know what an elaborate accident is.

But even if you haven’t, you’ve probably imagined the myriad of elaborate ways you may or may not die when your time comes. Your visual may involve water or peanuts or brown paper bags… Your imagination might take hold and put you in a scenario involving a mob boss, a ziploc bag and a South American rhino.

For me — it often involves losing my left foot in a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices and a leaf blower.

First of all, let me tell you what I can’t stand. People who have to criticize my imagined-death scenario. “How is losing your left foot in a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices and a leaf blower going to kill you!? I’ve never heard of anyone dying from losing their left foot in a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices and a leaf blower. Have you? Seriously, think about it and get back to me…”

See? So annoying.

Look, let’s make a deal. You go ahead and stick with your unimaginative death by a heart-attack or a gunshot wound, and I’ll stick with my tragic skiing accident and the foot thing and the bear and the explosive devices and the leaf blower. You stick with the shooting pain in your chest, and I’ll stick with the annoying sound of a leaf blower reverberating through my skull while I have to shake a bear’s locked and sharpened jaw off my shoulder… You worry about that pain in your left arm (which often accompanies a heart attack) and I’ll deal with the pain of two explosive devices (that happen to have been planted in the belly of the bear) ripping through the bear while he’s gnawing on my shoulder while my left foot is in a precarious skiing accident-like situation — all the while having to deal with the migraine headache inducing leaf blower sound.

You imagine the way you want to die and I’ll imagine the way I’m going to die and we won’t worry about other people and all will be good.

That’s the problem in this world — people are too concerned with other people and their imaginations. People would rather point out the holes in your imagined and elaborate Rube Goldberg death scenario instead of looking inward and trying to find a way to make their “choking in a restaurant” scenario seem a little more exciting. People would rather ignore their own imaginative shortcomings so that they can instead tell you that there’s no way a bear is going to let someone stuff two huge plastic C4 explosive devices in their stomach without getting angry.

Um, did you ever hear of anesthetizing a bear, then implanting them? No, I didn’t think so.

Oh and one more thing: leaf blowers can be used to blow snow, okay? Just because you may not see leaves on a ski-slope somewhere in Aspen doesn’t mean there aren’t other things to blow. You may not be too familiar with the owner of that particular ski slope, who likes the snow to appear smooth and slick — something only a leaf blower can do. So, get those nay-saying thoughts out of your head, stop worrying about my imagination and get to fixing yours.

Perhaps if you did, maybe your tripping and falling into a ditch filled with noxious oil (which you drown in) could soon be transformed into a scenario involving a monstrous fireball, a British rugby team, twelve anacondas, a poisonous frog, someone dressed up as the Pied Piper and a malfunctioning Xbox 360.

Perhaps then you’d stop worrying about me and the foot and the skiing accident and the bear and the two explosives and the leaf blower. Perhaps.

I can dream, can’t I?

17 comments on “If I Lost My Left Foot In A Tragic Skiing Accident That Involved A Bear, Two Explosive Devices And A Leaf Blower

  1. better safe than sorry - February 26, 2006 at 11:20 am -

    the first thing i thought of when i read leaf blower was that wood chipper thing from fargo, i’ve got a whole different version of your death planned and it does involve you losing your left foot.

  2. claire - February 26, 2006 at 11:31 am -

    Nice. I like having the bear in there… a sort of get back to nature that’s been encroached on by the military and gardeners sort of death.

  3. Rachel - February 26, 2006 at 11:35 am -

    I thought it would go like this: You are looking for land mines in Aspen on a ski slope using the leaf blower to blow the snow while looking for the land mines when you find not one but two land mines that blow up and you lose your left foot. A very hungry and lucky bear happens upon you attracted by the leaf blower sound and eats you because you can no longer run away because you have no left foot. My imagined-death scenario involves chocolate, a lifeguard and a helicopter.

  4. sandra - February 26, 2006 at 12:08 pm -

    Pauly D, the other kids are just jealous becuse their death scenarios aren’t so interesting. A good friend of mine used to ponder random scenarios that would make being alive rather difficult. My favorite was the day she turned to her boyfriend in the morning and said, “Ben, what would you do if instead of hands, I had pears on the end of my arms?” He apparently looked at her in confusion and said, “I hate when you do this”.

    Clearly, no imagination.

  5. Dave2 - February 26, 2006 at 12:28 pm -

    The bear was obviously a suicide bomber terrorist. The fact that you managed to neutralize him using nothing more than a leaf blower makes you a True American Hero. Sorry about your foot but, alas, such is the price of freedom.

  6. Sarcomical - February 26, 2006 at 12:34 pm -

    wow. i would never try to poke a hole in that story.

    never.

    mostly because it confuses me too much. 😉

  7. H.F. Peterman - February 26, 2006 at 12:55 pm -

    Sandra- I’d like to have shoehorn hands.

  8. Pauly D - February 26, 2006 at 1:09 pm -

    Sarcomical – I know that if you really put your heart into it, you could poke a hole in that story, so thanks for not doing that. My ego and right foot thank you.

  9. Janet - February 26, 2006 at 5:10 pm -

    My ideal death would involve a malfunctioning parachute, a lot of red rocks and my favorite copy of “Gone With the Wind”.

    I’m glad that there are others thinkings of these grossly over-looked issues.

    Your death with be wonderfully legendary.

  10. Rabbit - February 26, 2006 at 5:20 pm -

    I thought the reason there are no leaves on the Aspen ski slopes is precisely because of the effectiveness of leaf blowers.

    Your death scenario has it all — man versus nature, man versus machine . . . man versus person with no imagination who fails to acknowledge the possibility of demise by a tragic skiing accident that involves a bear, two explosive devices, and a leaf blower.

  11. Daniel Nicolas - February 26, 2006 at 5:23 pm -

    okay, this might sound gross so don’t read anymore.

    the best elaborite accident would be to superglue one of your hands to your head, tie one end of a rope to your foot and the other end to a telephone pole next to a bridge. then do the same thing with a shorter length of piano wire. then someone would be accidentally walking by and bump you off the bridge and you’d be decapitate but you’d still have your head attached to your hand, and you’d be hanging from the rope over the bridge….

    what sort of magic trick involves superglue, rope, and pianowire, i have no idea.

  12. Thoughtsgalore - February 26, 2006 at 5:51 pm -

    Dream baby dream…

    Imagine..I haven’t even thought of my accidental death. LOL. You’re waaaay ahead of me on that one.
    xoxo

  13. Jorgeq - February 26, 2006 at 6:35 pm -

    With much hesitation, I went along with my girlfriend to see Final Destination 3 and if I were to choose something to walk away with from the movie, it would certainly be not wanting to know how my finals days will be spent.

    Just knowing would ruin anybodys day for the rest of their lives.

  14. Kevin - February 27, 2006 at 7:31 am -

    Rube, you are such a cynic! Skiing is perfectly safe! Just ask Sonny Bono!

  15. robin - February 28, 2006 at 3:53 pm -

    If you were Jack Bauer, this scenario would not end in death. I’m just saying..

  16. Bre - February 28, 2006 at 4:29 pm -

    I had to read that twice to understand all the facts… and now that I … do (?) , it’s perfectly clear to me why this is your ideal scenario! Who could possibly question a scenario like that?

    🙂

  17. Pauly D - March 1, 2006 at 8:26 am -

    Robin – If I was MacGuyver, I could get out of it. Jack Bauer, though? He’s such a wuss.

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