I Am The Ambassador of Sprint

I’ve always thought I would make a great Diplomat.

That’s why when I was recently contacted to become the Official Ambassador of Sprint, I was giddy with excitement. Being selectively chosen to receive a brand-new multi-media phone from Sprint, for no charge, for six months of unlimited usage was a glorious development that made me realize once and for all that my future was definitely in for a huge make-over.

Because I am now the Ambassador of Sprint.

Being the Ambassador of Sprint is not something to take lightly. From the get-go, there’s an attitude adjustment that you must accept. Your wardrobe, from the outset, is going to have to change from the typical jeans and a retro-logo T-shirt to jeans and sportsjackets with the Official Ambassador of Sprint Coat of Arms stitched into the upper pocket area (see above). If you’re going to be an Ambassador of Minutes and Cancerous Cell Phone Downloads, you’d better look the part.

But looking the part is just the beginning. Because now that I am the Ambassador of Sprint, I suspect my duties will be far reaching.

While I have yet to get the brand-new phone or the Ambassador’s Rules of Conduct (which I assume they have since all Ambassadors have a rule book of sorts they must follow), I am already writing up a list of the goals I have now that I’ve been given the opportunity to work in the International sector. First and foremost, of course, besides the awesome crest I had designed up for my new office — is the Knighting ceremony.

You definitely need some kind of knighting ceremony.

While I’ve already sent this ahead via the e-mail I got from my benefactors, I still have yet to receive any note back about this whole “I dub thee Ambassador of Sprint” business but I’m hoping it involves some kind of kneeling and some kind of long staff (not a sharp sword, I hate sharp swords) with a cell phone on the end or a long rubber staff that actually resembles an antenna that they touch both shoulders with and say something like, “You have now thee been dubbed that which herewithertoo as such, Ambassador of Sprint!”

I wouldn’t really be listening, so just as long as the dubber had some kind of Patrick Stewart voice, all would be good.

But more exciting than the coat of arms and the dubbing with thee staff of rubber (that resembles an antenna) is the fact that I really have such a great opportunity ahead of me in bringing cell phone users worldwide together. Above all, I am really hoping that I can educate the International Cell Phone Using Public about minutes and dial tones and downloadable content and really foster mutual understanding between people who own the same cell phones but don’t speak the same language… Because even though a man in Egypt and a woman in New Orleans may not speak the same language, if they own the same cell phone there is a truly staggering opportunity for them to bond over a game of “brickout” on their tiny cell phone screens.

That makes me shiver with emotional foreshadowing, if you must know.

So, yes. The coat of arms, the dubbing, the sharing of “brickout” between previously non-communicative International brethren and my educating the public about minutes and dial tones and stuff is just the tip of the iceberg. Much like what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are doing to educate the public about, um, kids and stuff — I too will be in the forefront of educating the public about everything and anything Sprint cell phone related. And since I’m the Ambassador, I think I’m able to have a monkey follow me around, too. You know, cause it seems like all Ambassadors you’ve seen have monkeys. This one would have his own cell phone from Sprint, too.

So, don’t be jealous.

Don’t be mad.

Don’t be envious.

And don’t be sad.

Embrace the fact that you now know a true, honest, goal-oriented Ambassador of all things Sprint as I set forth across this great country on my tour of goodwill (I’m waiting for them to tell me if they’ll cover this trip, of course) as I transform this country and this world from a world of angry, head-tumorous cell phone snobs into a peaceful, educated, happy and genial population of cell phone users you would want to hang out with on a Thursday night while watching re-runs on TV Land.

That is my challenge as your Ambassador, and I accept it with open arms.

(Which makes me think again about my coat of arms which is truly, elegant and Ambassador-like if you ask me.)

20 comments on “I Am The Ambassador of Sprint

  1. H.F. Peterman - February 25, 2006 at 8:44 am -

    Wow, would you believe that just yesterday I visited the Andover Shop looking for a “crested blazer”. Does yours have “hand ticking around the crest and the world famous Corriso buttons made from the finest Andulo corn?”

  2. Kathleen - February 25, 2006 at 8:57 am -

    did you steal my family crest?

  3. Pauly D - February 25, 2006 at 9:06 am -

    Kathleen – Only if your family crest has a huge SPRINT phone on it, and has the words ipsum sprintus pauly at the bottom. And if it does, you’ve got a bigger problem than me stealing your family crest — you’re gonna get in trouble for “pretending to be a Sprint Ambassador” when you’re really not.

    For shame.

  4. Dave2 - February 25, 2006 at 10:59 am -

    The thought of you diapering a monkey for your ambassadorial duties is almost more than I can bear.

  5. Pauly D - February 25, 2006 at 12:42 pm -

    Dave – You and the diapering of monkeys. I never mentioned diapering primates. I don’t do that. It’s my Ambassadorial Assistants that do.

    I am now accepting applications, btw.

  6. Jacquie - February 25, 2006 at 1:28 pm -

    What are you talking about now????

  7. Anonymous Visitor - February 25, 2006 at 2:20 pm -

    Wow! I’d like to know more about that crest. For starters, what do the colors, the stripes, the stars and the gryphon represent?

  8. better safe than sorry - February 25, 2006 at 2:57 pm -

    your coat of arms needs some work, too many ribbons blowing in the wind and i don’t think the red is going to compliment your eyes.

  9. derek - February 25, 2006 at 4:08 pm -

    welcome fellow ambassador. additional tips before you get your phone: a) don’t hesitate to use it, and b) unlimited evdo access means you have no excuse for not being connected.

    sprint was kind to my as well. i was given nifty ambassador pass a few months back. i get all sorts of luxuries on top of the phone. i met the president of zimbabwe, i get special promotional invites to private apple announcement parties, and i no longer have to answer to “can you hear me now?”

  10. Pauly D - February 25, 2006 at 4:13 pm -

    Jacquie – Rule #1 of my Abassadorial Consitution is, you cannot ask me what I’m talking about now.

    Anonymous Visitor – The stripes and ribbons represent the many directions I travel as Ambassador. The gryphon represents my monkey, which I previously mentioned.

    BSTS – The red totally compliments my SASH not my eyes.

    Derek – Yeah, I already got a call from the President of Zimbabwe.

  11. Jess - February 25, 2006 at 5:02 pm -

    That’s awesome and great coat of arms. Very traditional yet techy.

  12. Thoughtsgalore - February 25, 2006 at 5:22 pm -

    As the ambassador, could you put in a good word for better pink phones? My pinkie is just so plain. I need a new one, but they don’t have anything better!!!! Can you believe it?

    Oh…BTW….that crest was totally designed by a man!

  13. derke - February 25, 2006 at 10:58 pm -

    the real question is who is that striking figure adorned on the outer lcd of the a920 eh? are those royalty worth sunglasses?

  14. cutiepie2 - February 26, 2006 at 1:38 am -

    Okay, congrats on you “Ambassadorship”. Now, can get me a hook up on my bill?

  15. Rabbit - February 26, 2006 at 5:27 pm -

    Great, now that I know someone connected with Sprint that has some sort of power, authority, and a cool coat of arms . . . can you get somebody to create better ringtones?

  16. Michael O'Connor - February 26, 2006 at 5:53 pm -

    I bow and srape in your general direction, Your Lordship.

  17. Kevin - February 27, 2006 at 7:30 am -

    I would be jealous if Sprint had any sort of even decent service here in Illinois. Can you nominate me to be an ambassador for their pseudo-sister corporation, Nextel? That service I do have and, with the power that you now have, I would assume you could use your newly acquired channels and pull a few strings and make me an ambassador, too!

    Together we could rule the cellwaves! Woo hoo!

  18. Amber - February 27, 2006 at 1:16 pm -

    I seriously think I’m going to need you to talk to Sprint and encourage them to enlist ME as a female ambassador. Women like technology too, and I am ALWAYS on the phone. I want the bells and whistles and all the technology they can possibly fit into one device. It’s perfect, really.

    Barring that, I’ll get to work on filling out my application to be your Ambassadorial Assistant.

  19. […] the fact that all these dudes are gushing over being Sprint Ambassadors is really starting to piss. me. off. it seems that to get a free cell phone around here, the only thing you need is a penis. […]

  20. the name game » take THAT you sprint ambassadors - March 18, 2006 at 10:25 am -

    […] of course, most of you just happen to be men, in case you haven’t noticed. i mean, it has been suggestd that the new Sprint Ambassador phones can only be dialed with a penis, and i’m inclined to believe this is true. […]

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