I’ve always thought I would make a great Diplomat.
That’s why when I was recently contacted to become the Official Ambassador of Sprint, I was giddy with excitement. Being selectively chosen to receive a brand-new multi-media phone from Sprint, for no charge, for six months of unlimited usage was a glorious development that made me realize once and for all that my future was definitely in for a huge make-over.
Because I am now the Ambassador of Sprint.
Being the Ambassador of Sprint is not something to take lightly. From the get-go, there’s an attitude adjustment that you must accept. Your wardrobe, from the outset, is going to have to change from the typical jeans and a retro-logo T-shirt to jeans and sportsjackets with the Official Ambassador of Sprint Coat of Arms stitched into the upper pocket area (see above). If you’re going to be an Ambassador of Minutes and Cancerous Cell Phone Downloads, you’d better look the part.
But looking the part is just the beginning. Because now that I am the Ambassador of Sprint, I suspect my duties will be far reaching.
While I have yet to get the brand-new phone or the Ambassador’s Rules of Conduct (which I assume they have since all Ambassadors have a rule book of sorts they must follow), I am already writing up a list of the goals I have now that I’ve been given the opportunity to work in the International sector. First and foremost, of course, besides the awesome crest I had designed up for my new office — is the Knighting ceremony.
You definitely need some kind of knighting ceremony.
While I’ve already sent this ahead via the e-mail I got from my benefactors, I still have yet to receive any note back about this whole “I dub thee Ambassador of Sprint” business but I’m hoping it involves some kind of kneeling and some kind of long staff (not a sharp sword, I hate sharp swords) with a cell phone on the end or a long rubber staff that actually resembles an antenna that they touch both shoulders with and say something like, “You have now thee been dubbed that which herewithertoo as such, Ambassador of Sprint!”
I wouldn’t really be listening, so just as long as the dubber had some kind of Patrick Stewart voice, all would be good.
But more exciting than the coat of arms and the dubbing with thee staff of rubber (that resembles an antenna) is the fact that I really have such a great opportunity ahead of me in bringing cell phone users worldwide together. Above all, I am really hoping that I can educate the International Cell Phone Using Public about minutes and dial tones and downloadable content and really foster mutual understanding between people who own the same cell phones but don’t speak the same language… Because even though a man in Egypt and a woman in New Orleans may not speak the same language, if they own the same cell phone there is a truly staggering opportunity for them to bond over a game of “brickout” on their tiny cell phone screens.
That makes me shiver with emotional foreshadowing, if you must know.
So, yes. The coat of arms, the dubbing, the sharing of “brickout” between previously non-communicative International brethren and my educating the public about minutes and dial tones and stuff is just the tip of the iceberg. Much like what Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are doing to educate the public about, um, kids and stuff — I too will be in the forefront of educating the public about everything and anything Sprint cell phone related. And since I’m the Ambassador, I think I’m able to have a monkey follow me around, too. You know, cause it seems like all Ambassadors you’ve seen have monkeys. This one would have his own cell phone from Sprint, too.
So, don’t be jealous.
Don’t be mad.
Don’t be envious.
And don’t be sad.
Embrace the fact that you now know a true, honest, goal-oriented Ambassador of all things Sprint as I set forth across this great country on my tour of goodwill (I’m waiting for them to tell me if they’ll cover this trip, of course) as I transform this country and this world from a world of angry, head-tumorous cell phone snobs into a peaceful, educated, happy and genial population of cell phone users you would want to hang out with on a Thursday night while watching re-runs on TV Land.
That is my challenge as your Ambassador, and I accept it with open arms.
(Which makes me think again about my coat of arms which is truly, elegant and Ambassador-like if you ask me.)