Anyone who turns a fear-based, survival instinct into a professional Olympic event needs their head examined.
Take running for example. Something whose origins come from attempting to escape a potentially harmful or scary “thing” (thing being a dinosaur, person with a sharp rock or firearm, or a natural disaster). Sure, running has been around since the dawn of time, but since when does that need to be turned into a sport?
Commence why running sucks…now.
Running ranks right up there with other fear based skills that have turned into sports. Hunters who realized their only way to survive was to spear animals slowly evolved into the javelin throw. Less-than-impressive hunters who couldn’t do that turned to throwing rocks…which became the shot put. Hunter/gatherers who spend their days out in the wilderness collecting berries and old raccoon carcasses who were faced with a sharp-toothed animal ready to eat them had to be quick in their jumping over hedges to hide…a la the high jump.
Young children trying to escape their other ancient friends with a bee hive under their arms, turned into football. Eskimos in the colder regions of our world who slid frozen meat across frozen ponds in order to save their strength for the rest of their trip home…turned into the Olympic game of curling. The flicking of annoying insects quickly evolved into the office game of paper-football.
And then there’s running.
Running didn’t even evolve into another sport — it was just copied. A physical act, that for the most part, is associated with fear, pain, shortness of breath, hamstring-pain, sweat, joint problems, arthritis, being chased by lions, tigers and bears (oh my)… it’s something each of us have done, whether we’re running for our lives or running because some 3rd period P.E. teacher thinks it’s going to make us better people.
But making it into a sport?
I never saw the allure in running. I never look at people who can run fast and think to myself, boy I’d sure like to sit down with them and pick their brains about…uh…running. Sure, there’s the people who develop and train their marathoning-skills and the ones who can hit the 100 yard dash in less than ten seconds.
But really, do you honestly care?
A football quarterback who can throw a football with precision and skill. A basketball player who can get the ball into the basket from beyond the three point line. A soccer player who can dribble the ball between his two feet in order to keep his opponents from getting it back. There are endless examples of skilled athletes who cause me to marvel day after day.
But long distance runners? Please.
And so, effective immediately I have decided to become a professional breather. That’s right, I will be pioneering and creating the National League for Professional Breathers. Personally, you’ll be pretty impressed with me as a Pro Breather since I can, uh, well…breathe. All the time. No matter what the circumstance. In fact, I can breathe in the cold, the heat of the summer months, while driving a car, eating food and even while sleeping.
Breathing while sleeping — it’s pretty damn amazing.
Sure, ten years from now when you see me carrying the torch during The Olympics and winning the gold medal after beating Nigeria and Italy in the Pro Breathing Finals — there will be critics. Some guy who thinks he’s the shiznit with a blog will most likely publish a post entitled Why Breathing Sucks. But until then, I won’t worry about it.
Because running sucks, it’s the truth, and I’m a professional breather.
In other news, you may recall last week’s post in which I claimed to be starting my own religion called Consumerjology (pronunciation is currently in the debate phase). People have already begun worshipping their new religion, including Chris who submitted this picture of his minions already embracing the Jologist in themselves.
If you know of people already embracing their new consumer-based religion (that requires nothing but sending your material purchases to our Consumerjologist Elders), please forward them to WFME.