Why Running Sucks

Anyone who turns a fear-based, survival instinct into a professional Olympic event needs their head examined.

Take running for example. Something whose origins come from attempting to escape a potentially harmful or scary “thing” (thing being a dinosaur, person with a sharp rock or firearm, or a natural disaster). Sure, running has been around since the dawn of time, but since when does that need to be turned into a sport?

Commence why running sucks…now.

Running ranks right up there with other fear based skills that have turned into sports. Hunters who realized their only way to survive was to spear animals slowly evolved into the javelin throw. Less-than-impressive hunters who couldn’t do that turned to throwing rocks…which became the shot put. Hunter/gatherers who spend their days out in the wilderness collecting berries and old raccoon carcasses who were faced with a sharp-toothed animal ready to eat them had to be quick in their jumping over hedges to hide…a la the high jump.

Young children trying to escape their other ancient friends with a bee hive under their arms, turned into football. Eskimos in the colder regions of our world who slid frozen meat across frozen ponds in order to save their strength for the rest of their trip home…turned into the Olympic game of curling. The flicking of annoying insects quickly evolved into the office game of paper-football.

And then there’s running.

Running didn’t even evolve into another sport — it was just copied. A physical act, that for the most part, is associated with fear, pain, shortness of breath, hamstring-pain, sweat, joint problems, arthritis, being chased by lions, tigers and bears (oh my)… it’s something each of us have done, whether we’re running for our lives or running because some 3rd period P.E. teacher thinks it’s going to make us better people.

But making it into a sport?

I never saw the allure in running. I never look at people who can run fast and think to myself, boy I’d sure like to sit down with them and pick their brains about…uh…running. Sure, there’s the people who develop and train their marathoning-skills and the ones who can hit the 100 yard dash in less than ten seconds.

But really, do you honestly care?

A football quarterback who can throw a football with precision and skill. A basketball player who can get the ball into the basket from beyond the three point line. A soccer player who can dribble the ball between his two feet in order to keep his opponents from getting it back. There are endless examples of skilled athletes who cause me to marvel day after day.

But long distance runners? Please.

And so, effective immediately I have decided to become a professional breather. That’s right, I will be pioneering and creating the National League for Professional Breathers. Personally, you’ll be pretty impressed with me as a Pro Breather since I can, uh, well…breathe. All the time. No matter what the circumstance. In fact, I can breathe in the cold, the heat of the summer months, while driving a car, eating food and even while sleeping.

Breathing while sleeping — it’s pretty damn amazing.

Sure, ten years from now when you see me carrying the torch during The Olympics and winning the gold medal after beating Nigeria and Italy in the Pro Breathing Finals — there will be critics. Some guy who thinks he’s the shiznit with a blog will most likely publish a post entitled Why Breathing Sucks. But until then, I won’t worry about it.

Because running sucks, it’s the truth, and I’m a professional breather.

In other news, you may recall last week’s post in which I claimed to be starting my own religion called Consumerjology (pronunciation is currently in the debate phase). People have already begun worshipping their new religion, including Chris who submitted this picture of his minions already embracing the Jologist in themselves.

If you know of people already embracing their new consumer-based religion (that requires nothing but sending your material purchases to our Consumerjologist Elders), please forward them to WFME.

35 comments on “Why Running Sucks

  1. Flower Girl - February 20, 2006 at 8:38 am -

    Hey, Pauly –

    You forgot to mention that most people look really stupid while running. Beyond what to do with their hands, runners seem to be torn about what sort of facial expression to make. Is it best to look like the running is easy and smile, only to risk bugs getting plastered to your teeth. Or, is it better to have the constipated look, showing how much effort it is to be physically fit.

    None for me…I’ll gladly join your Breathing League, though…

  2. kristine - February 20, 2006 at 8:46 am -

    man, you bastard. i am literally dressed and ready to head to the gym…like for the first time in months.

    i’m gonna have to do my workout in the cardio theater so no one sees me looking and feeling retarded. jerk.

  3. jmorrison - February 20, 2006 at 8:55 am -

    there are no professional circuits and awards for crack-heads, and runners run because they are drug addicts, simple as that. endorphins. until a crack-head or junkie gets a nike named after him… well something is outa whack.

    worst part about running? it makes the girl’s yummy hineys disappear. reason enough for a nationwide ban on running i’d say.

  4. Daniel Nicolas - February 20, 2006 at 8:56 am -

    Running not only sucks, it’s the all about pain.

    That’s why only crazy people do it.

    I ran 2 years of cross country in high school and still run a few 5 or 6 miles here and there.

    Running is Pain.
    this is your life, good to the last drop.
    this is your life,
    and it’s ending one minute at a time.

  5. H.F. Peterman - February 20, 2006 at 8:58 am -

    What about professional fast walkers? The site of a Pro fast walker always cracks me up. I want to be a professional eye-blinker.

  6. nic - February 20, 2006 at 9:08 am -

    Running laps? … Ridiculous.
    Running for the bus? … Maybe.
    Running up the stairs? … Why?

    Running for office? …

  7. Meghan - February 20, 2006 at 10:13 am -

    I think you’re forgotting a huge reason why running as a sport is so rediculous: Runners’ Trots. Yes, there are people out there who have loss of bowel function while running, and consider this completely normal. People who have no choice but to go while running, and once the race is over, casually slip into the Port-O-Let to slip off their skivvies and go on about their day like they didn’t just crap their pants and dispose of the evidence!

  8. nic - February 20, 2006 at 10:19 am -

    Nuh-UH!

  9. Meghan - February 20, 2006 at 10:24 am -

    Ya-huh!

  10. monkeyinabox - February 20, 2006 at 10:25 am -

    The more time you spend running, the less time you have to SIT DOWN and practice Consumerjology. There’s really no choice, when you think of it in terms like that.

  11. Glen - February 20, 2006 at 10:35 am -

    Now Pauly, running long distance is useless. I would know because I can’t run long distances. However, running short distances is way more important than running long distances. If you were about to be destroyed by a bear, would long distance running help you? NO. (I run short track 🙁 )

    I couldn’t be a professional breather, either. I have asthma.

  12. better safe than sorry - February 20, 2006 at 11:19 am -

    i’m an amateur breather, i have asmtha, unfortuantely, i’ll never be able to turn pro.

  13. Danielle - February 20, 2006 at 11:35 am -

    I can only think of ONE reason why running sucks, and it’s called BOOBS.

  14. Flower Girl - February 20, 2006 at 12:04 pm -

    Danielle –

    Not to be technical, but wouldn’t that count as TWO reasons?

  15. Pauly D - February 20, 2006 at 12:30 pm -

    Man, all this asthma.

    It really separates the boys from the Professional Breather-esque men, doesn’t it?

  16. Lynn - February 20, 2006 at 1:14 pm -

    H.F. Peterman, I HATE fast walkers. There was one at my gym who’d walk fast, of course, around the track, putting my walking pace to shame.

    The way that man moved his hips was unnatural.

  17. JM - February 20, 2006 at 2:20 pm -

    Have you guys ever seen Pauly D run?

    I have. He’s no Forrest Gump. In fact, he runs like Natalie Portman on sand in Attack of the Clones. (I know; pretty bad.)

    I think that’s why he hates running.

    They have coaches for that, Pauly. I mean they could totally help you and stuff.

  18. Pauly D - February 20, 2006 at 2:34 pm -

    JM – You’ve never seen me run. Ever. Oh wait, you have. Still, I’m not Natalie Portman. Jar Jar Binks, maybe. But definitely no Natalie Portman.

  19. dgm - February 20, 2006 at 3:10 pm -

    breathing doesn’t just suck–that’s only half the story. breathing also blows.

  20. Belinda - February 20, 2006 at 5:26 pm -

    That last comment was the best.

  21. H.F. Peterman - February 20, 2006 at 7:10 pm -

    Looks like you need to recruit someone to do your running for you. “preferably junior-varsity track runners or cross country runners”

  22. Pauly D - February 20, 2006 at 7:14 pm -

    Peterman – I like a man who can quote good literature.

  23. Rabbit - February 20, 2006 at 7:22 pm -

    I hate running so much that if something were chasing me, I’d probably just stand still and let it catch me.

    “Go ahead, torture and kill me. I can’t run. My hips are uneven. This is less painful.”

  24. danielle - February 20, 2006 at 8:00 pm -

    Running on a track is bad enough, but running on a treadmill in one place towards nothing, now that is the worst. Why does anyone enjoy that? I don’t get it.

  25. Janet - February 21, 2006 at 12:13 am -

    I like running. Terribly sorry… for Paul that is.

    I hate to stick it, but if you only run when you are being chased, than whatever is chasing you will definitely catch you.

  26. JM - February 21, 2006 at 1:48 am -

    Pauly, let’s face it, man:

    You are so Padme when it comes to running that after seeing your runner reflection in a mirror (a.k.a. a TV playing Attack of the Clones) you have sworn off running for life.

    Now Jar Jar, that’s who you breathe like. Except you can’t even breathe underwater, so what good is that?

    FYI, people: Jar Jar breathes noisy and gurgle-ish.

    True story x 2–

    AndI’mout.

  27. Pierce - February 21, 2006 at 8:10 am -

    Is nothing safe from Star Wars? Not even running?

    I dunno. Every time I find myself out in the country being chased by a maniacal hitchiker, I envy those guys who’ve spent all that time practicing their running. I bet they wouldn’t keep getting caught by a three-hundred pound man in a straightjacket with a hook for a hand, no sir.

  28. Jennifer - February 21, 2006 at 3:36 pm -

    Oh dear god, that runner’s trots thing just scarred me for life.

    My middle school was obsessed with running. If you didn’t run 3 miles in 45 minutes, you’d get an F. We did that oh, EVERY OTHER WEEK. The in between weeks we had to run one mile for time and if it wasn’t fastish? Another F. Oh, how grateful I was to go to high school where they just said, “Go around the track twice, we don’t fucking care how you do it.”

    Running makes me feel like shit. Out of air, side cramps, incessant itchy thighs, plus the BOOBS… UGH!!! No wonder kids don’t want to exercise if running is pimped as the #1 way to do it their entire childhoods.

  29. Lena - February 27, 2006 at 10:15 pm -

    I ran for the first time since 1982 last week. Was it pretty? Oh HELL no, however, I did it.

    Fantastic.

  30. edie - March 22, 2006 at 5:18 pm -

    Hi Paulie

    I read with enjoyment te blogs regarding running. I am a runner having started in 1998. It has aided me through a divorce, through obtaining my BSN and countless other stressful points in my life including raising my 7 kids (sometimes I just want to keep running…on and on……).

    Anyway, lately running has really sucked because of 2 reasons cited below:

    1.) it does not allow for more than one activity while it is taking place. What I mean is 2 months ago, I attempted to stargaze while running…. bad move……… moved a ligament in my right ankle out of alignment……… still going to P.T. 2 times a week.

    2.) previously cited reason by others ASTHMA…….. I was able to run up until last year then bam!!!! I’m diagnosed with asthma….. now, I can’t seem to get it under control……. what I don’t get is…. Joan Benoit Samuelson and Paula Radcliffe are both elite marathoners, women and world recordholders and I can’t even run a marathon in 5 hours……… what do they have that I don’t???? (besides coaching and good genetics)

    as for runners trots, and other GI discomforts been there and let me tell you, there are times I could have out stunk a skunk. I’m getting better at figuring out what not to eat though and drinking a coffee about an hour before the event is a great preventative as well.

    but hmmm……. what about blisters and chafing in places I’d rather not mention????

  31. Dave - July 14, 2006 at 3:09 pm -

    It’s still the ownage. You’re all jealous because the local running freak runs faster. The reason it’s all pain and no gain for you people is that you push yourselfs too fast and hard. Start out small and slow. Heck, even go walking before starting running. Always, always run in a scenic route, a lakeshore, or even your neighborhood, but not a track, and never a treadmill.

    When the commies launch their missiles and our cars have been sabotagued, i’ll run! In a more practical usage, we won’t get heart attacks when we turn 40 something. Most runners die of cancer, then car accidents. And we don’t feel like crap just moving around.

  32. derek - January 2, 2007 at 11:34 pm -

    i dislike running and my favorite sport is cycling. But i do run2 miles a day. I think mmost of you are missing the point. Your calling people who run crazy. Yes they are crazy as with an endurance athlete but they do it becuase it makes you mad healthy. Also when your done exercising it feels good and sometimes euphoric. try it, you fat pieces of shits

  33. CaptDoodwood - October 31, 2007 at 2:51 am -

    Running sucks for all those reasons you mentioned AND

    It’s physiologically less efficient then walking. What animal besides humans travel long distances in less efficient modes? None…

  34. CaptDoodwood - November 1, 2007 at 3:55 pm -

    Only problem with that logic derek is that there are many sports that make you “mad fit” and don’t destroy your joints and cause all the other unpleasant things mentioned in the original post. So us sensible “pieces of sh*t” would rather not waste our time trying it thanks. We’ll stick to sports that don’t suck.

  35. Midwest - January 17, 2010 at 7:34 pm -

    You are a complete idiot. And lack a complete understanding of what it takes to run long distances. Its far more than just running. Someone like you probably lacks the ability, dedication, and will power to do something as challenging as running long distances.

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