If My Bathroom Actually Had A Live Studio Audience
February 18th, 2006
There’s never enough places to sit in a bathroom.
Sure, there’s one place to sit but never places for a studio audience to sit — which would make having my bathroom and the inclusion of a live studio audience inside of it, an awfully tricky concept. And while I know a lot of guys who can carve chairs out of old tree trunks and a lot of scrapbookers who would be happy to cover them in laminated doilies — the seating thing would be a huge issue.
That is…if my bathroom actually had a live studio audience.
First and foremost, my mind turns to the fact that I would have to get ready (i.e., hair/make-up/wardrobe) prior to entering my bathroom since there would now be a live studio audience inside the bathroom. This of course, brings up an intriguing conundrum. If I normally do my hair, make-up and wardrobe in my bathroom…but now I’ve got a live studio audience inside the same bathroom in which I do such things, where in the hell do I do my hair, make-up and wardrobe?
Good question, right?
The only thing that comes to mind is the fact that I would have to use a second bathroom (or alternate bathroom-like location) in which to get ready for my appearance in my main bathroom, which would now have a live studio audience hanging around in there waiting for me to walk into the bathroom and begin my “morning beautification process.” This, of course, would now require me to have elaborate hair and make-up that would make it appear as if I had yet to get ready so that upon entering my bathroom for the show (which would be me, getting ready) the live studio audience would get to see the show they had paid for — me, getting ready.
Don’t worry — there’d be seating for all of them. That problem was solved in the earlier paragraph up top there. You can go ahead and refer to that if you were still reading and wondering where all the people were going to be sitting.
Then again, if the goal of the whole show of me getting ready in my bathroom with a live studio audience is to give the live studio audience that “voyeuristic-feeling” of watching me getting ready in the morning without feeling like they’re intruding on the process and hampering my ability to be honest in my presentation…maybe it should be a hidden live studio audience instead?
Suddenly, the seating issue isn’t an issue anymore for those people who were still obsessing over the seating issue even after I told them the seating issue was solved. Well, now it is. Now that we have a hidden live studio audience. Okay?
What we’d do is this: we’d set up one of those big tents that they use to fumigate your house (but it wouldn’t have those garish colored-stripes on it because my neighbors would talk behind my back for ages if that happened and refer to me in hushed tones as “the live studio audience bug tent guy”) just off my property in the middle of the night before the premiere show. There’d be huge flat screen TV’s everywhere. A live feed into the bathroom. Then when I walked into the bathroom for the first time, I wouldn’t see anyone in there, I’d be natural in the way I brush my teeth and yawn and look at the bags under my eyes and such — and the audience would be rolling on the floor in laughter no thanks to the entertaining show they’d be witnessing (live) from the adjacent space.
No seating, no prep work, no nothing.
Then again, if the execs producing my live studio audience bathroom show started to complain that the “concept” was being put on the backburner now that I’d relegated the live studio bathroom audience into a tent (which is now a live studio tent audience) and we needed real people in that bathroom reacting to the events at hand or else they’d cancel the pilot for the show, well, I’d go ahead and let them.
See, I’m not the type of person to ruin an entire network’s chances at ratings superiority just because they want to put some people in my bathroom while I’m getting ready. No, I won’t do that. I won’t go down in history as the killjoy of the live bathroom audience show thing, abandoning the show and the concept just because I had to use a second bathroom in the first place no thanks to the crowd in the first bathroom, causing me to use the second one.
I think I’d need some on-set tutors also, just so I didn’t fall behind in my, um, work.
Nevertheless, after really thinking this through I’m confident that if my bathroom had a live studio audience we could work out a way to give the public the “feel” of a live studio audience without having to completely alter my morning ritual and lifestyle.
Yeah, putting this down in words really made everything come clear.
What..no live studio audience for you? Wow…I never seem to be able to go to the bathroom without one. Sometimes I have these little ones that just push the door open with their paws. Other times in the day the little people sense a disturbance in their force and realize my presence is no longer there. They hunt me down and the door is pounded on, before being pushed open by two little people in distress for the absence of the mommy for a whole 5 seconds.
You’re not missing out on anything, except for a ton of stories. Trust me.
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — February 18, 2006 @ 5:48 am
I trust you would be doing “your business” in the alternate bathroom-like location. There would be no applause, but I think you’d be doing everyone a favor.
Comment by nic — February 18, 2006 @ 6:06 am
You know what this means…washcloths!. Because that’s what live studio audiences expect these day’s. That, and shaving cream on the mirror, while making astronaut sounds.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — February 18, 2006 @ 7:45 am
There are so many other Pauly-reality TV shows I would rather see than this bathroom thing. “Pauly Goes Celebrity Spotting”, “Pauly Deflects Coffee Offers”, “Pauly Gets a Job at Abercrombie & Fitch”.
Comment by susan — February 18, 2006 @ 11:15 am
i’m all for anything to do with a bathroom, it’s so underused.
Comment by better safe than sorry — February 18, 2006 @ 12:23 pm
I think there should be seating, and I think the seats should all be working toilets.
Will you be providing reading material for everyone as well?
Would you call it The Morning Dump?
Comment by Lynn — February 18, 2006 @ 4:08 pm
Lynn - There’s no reading allowed. Sorry.
Comment by Pauly D — February 18, 2006 @ 4:10 pm
What if a crazed audience member jumps into the shower with you? Will there be security present in your bathroom to prevent just such incidents?
Comment by Rabbit — February 18, 2006 @ 4:36 pm
But if I’m sitting on a toilet, I must have something to read, Pauly.
Comment by Lynn — February 18, 2006 @ 5:32 pm
Lynn - What are you, a guy?
Comment by Pauly D — February 18, 2006 @ 6:31 pm
Well, the tent would be a good staging area, because you wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom where the live audience would sit - EVER - as it would always have to be ready. It would be considered “hot” meaning the stage was set and nothing was to be touched.
Just one question - why do you need a live audience in your bathroom?
I know I need one because that’s where I practice my Academy Award acceptance speech (for various awards, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Original Screenplay).
Comment by Scully — February 18, 2006 @ 7:03 pm
Why bathrooms are the perfect place to perform! Singers without money have been recording there for ages.
I say MTV should combine the likes of Cribs and Unplugged and perform live in huge, famous bathrooms everywhere, killing “number 2″ with one stone.:)
Comment by Janet — February 18, 2006 @ 9:45 pm
I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t get ready in front of a studio audience when Mr. Won’t-You-Be-My-Neighbor Rogers used to change his shoes in front of an audience.
Comment by groovebunny — February 19, 2006 @ 12:53 am
Frst, you need a cat. That way, you never have to go to the bathroom alone again.
Second, while it a decidedly
oddfunny to ponder having a studio audience in one’s bathroom, it’s waymore disturbingfunnier to actually have ‘bathroom’ and ‘posts about live studio audiences’ as post categories…Happy performing!
Comment by Jenn — February 19, 2006 @ 9:11 pm
ack. Third: I need to learn how to spell ‘first’. apologies…
Comment by Jenn — February 19, 2006 @ 9:12 pm
Clapping while you’re “entertaining” would work fine. But, should they cheer while you’re in there, it might sound funny and nasally as they would all have noseplugs on, wouldn’t it? You would provide those upon entrance into PaulyPotty Studios, right?
Comment by Kevin — February 20, 2006 @ 7:08 am
Speaking of reading material in bathrooms, you’ll never guess what ours is at the moment.
Here’s a hint. It starts with Consumer J-. And it was free. It came in the post. And you wrote it.
Does it disturb you that you’re writing books suitable for bathroom consumption? It kind of disturbs me.
Comment by Pierce — February 21, 2006 @ 8:23 am
Pierce - Unfortunately, I even wrote in the foreward that it was a good bathroom reader. Oh well, as long as people are reading it, I don’t particularly care where it’s being read. Just don’t read it in there and expect to send it to me for a signature or anything — that I don’t do.
Comment by Pauly D — February 21, 2006 @ 8:27 am
You already signed it. I can’t believe you don’t remember. You wrote such beautiful things…
Comment by Pierce — February 21, 2006 @ 8:31 am