I Am Starting My Own Religion

I figure, if L. Ron Hubbard can do it, so can I.

Sure, most mainstream religions are rooted in moments that happened thousands of years ago. But if a science fiction writer who was born in the last century can take a book that he’s written and turn it into an oft-publicized religion and get famous people like John Travolta and Jenna Elfman and Tom Cruise to join it… Then my own religion can succeed just as well.

I’ll call it Consumerjology.

Whether or not you’re aware of it, I laid many hidden lessons in my first book Consumer Joe. While on the surface it simply looked like a book of letters to America’s Fortune 500 companies, it was in fact as important as the Old Testament in directing the frustrated people of today’s world into a spiritual place where happiness would overshadow the frustration caused by customer service 1-800 help lines.

So, are you a consumerjologist?

Do you find yourself frustrated with products that don’t live up to the hype? Do you find yourself annoyed and feel the anger welling up inside of you after trying to talk to the customer service representatives at said referenced company? Do you feel as if you are helpless in a world where your hard earned money is spent on a product and then it breaks within the first week of having it? Have normal religions done nothing to alleviate your frustrations about your materialistic desires and the products you purchase in an attempt to fill such a void? Are you currently reading this on a computer with a few broken keys that you have simply, accepted are broken and no one will ever fix?

Then Consumerjology is the religion for you.

Like other religions that insist you believe in one God or that insist you tithe a certain percentage of your income in order to stay in good standing, Consumerjology does neither. Believe in whichever God you like. Do whatever you want with your money. These are things that do not interest consumerjologists. All we ask is that any time you think of buying a high-end consumer product based on being lured into getting it as a result of slick promotions or commercials — that you buy it, and have it shipped to our headquarters where WE will handle the issues and problems that come with it.

Thinking of buying a 52 inch LCD HDTV? Buy it, but send it to us. Debating whether or not to purchase a timeshare in Palm Springs? Give it to your consumerjologist elders. Want a brand new Mercedes? Well, seeing as though they’re no longer giving free service with a 3-year lease, you’re just going to get frustrated anyway so you might as well let us pick it up for you and handle the frustration.

At our Hollywood-based Consumerjology good-will center, we take your product frustrations out of the equation by taking all of your material products off your hands.

Yes, there will be critics. People who say that we’re not a religion but simply a high-end Goodwill of sorts. That we’re taking your expensive toys and using them for ourselves. Some might even suggest that once we receive delivery of said items, that we quickly sell them back for cash, which is then re-deposited into a slew of off-shore accounts.

Untrue.

The reason why your items (which you have sent us, instead of them being sent to you and ruining your life) are no longer at the Consumerjology headquarters is because once we have received them, we burn them in a ritual we ironically call The Burning. That is where we, well, burn the stuff you’ve sent us — and the smoke and sparks caused by such a thematic event release your frustration of the product (that you would have felt) into the ozone layer — which strengthens the ozone layer, provides more oxygen to the world (and you, so you can can breathe better and deeper) and improves Earth’s standing in the Universe, thus allowing us all to live longer thanks to your sacrifice. Why can’t you see the ashes of the burned electronic items you’ve sent us? Because we travel to a far away mountain that no one else can get to [see above picture] where we burn your items. (They must be as close to the ozone layer as possible when we burn them.) Yes, you are forgiven for second-guessing your new overlords.

So, how do you join?

In addition to sending each and every purchase to our headquarters, you must simply announce in some public forum your desire to be a part of the Consumerjology religion. After doing so, you will receive a laminated membership card (if we have a lamination machine, which should be coming soon due to some of our members wanting to buy one but having it shipped to us instead), a new name that will add -ology to the end of your last name and a warm cap and winter coat in the event you give us everything you own, including your home.

You will, we guarantee, feel much better about yourself and your life.

All it takes is one simple decision.

30 comments on “I Am Starting My Own Religion

  1. dgm - February 15, 2006 at 9:05 am -

    is polygamy involved? i’m so not into sharing.

    hey! i’m first today! i can go back to bed now.

  2. The Centaur - February 15, 2006 at 9:15 am -

    The last religion I signed up for wanted me to shave my head, wear all black sweat suits, mutilate my genitalia, and wait around for a comet to take me to another planet. It eventually got kinda boring so I quit.

    Your religion seems far less demanding. Consider me a convert.

  3. Pauly D - February 15, 2006 at 9:17 am -

    Good to have you aboard, Centaurology.

  4. Pierce - February 15, 2006 at 9:35 am -

    Do we have to join if we read the book?

  5. Alissa - February 15, 2006 at 9:39 am -

    Is this at all linked to the cult with the purple shirts? Can I get a 2-for-1 deal?

  6. monkeyinabox - February 15, 2006 at 9:46 am -

    Pauly D, did you know that I already opened my church of Consumerjology last year? I’ve been enlightening others, while reaping the rewards ever since. After reading this, I’ve come to realize that you are the true teacher of Consumerjology and that I have been, well, ripping you off.

    I will therefor promise that I when I eventually purchase my mail-order Russian bride (from donations), I’ll send here your way.

  7. Hilary - February 15, 2006 at 9:47 am -

    I’m all about the holidays–how many days will joining this um, religion, get me out of work?

  8. Nicole - February 15, 2006 at 9:58 am -

    I’m with Alissa – can we get a 2-for-1 special if we join your cult and your religion?

    Besides, I abhor clutter. (Although you wouldn’t know it by the current working state of my desk.) Your religion sounds like the perfect way to justify to my significant other my ritual of ridding my home of as many things as possible.

  9. annabel lee - February 15, 2006 at 9:59 am -

    Annabel Leeology, reporting for duty.

  10. Rachel - February 15, 2006 at 10:19 am -

    Will there be some kind of object to worship like a gigantic head or something?

  11. Pauly D - February 15, 2006 at 10:19 am -

    Pierce – If you read the book, you’ll want to join.

    Hilary – The only change to the holidays is that when you’d normally be buying presents for all your loved ones, now you’ll be giving them to the church elders. Oh, and anytime a local electronics store is going out of business, you can legitimately take that as a day off work.

    Rachel – No, no head to worship. Just the book. THE GOOD BOOK.

  12. H.F. Peterman - February 15, 2006 at 10:28 am -

    H.F. Petermanology. Here.

    I want to order your Consumer Joe book AND The Lost Blogs, but under your regime I won’t be able to actually read them, since they will be burned.

  13. Pauly D - February 15, 2006 at 10:34 am -

    H.F. Petermanology – The rules of the religion apply to everything BUT the good books, FYI.

  14. H.F. Peterman - February 15, 2006 at 10:36 am -

    Phew! thought you were insinuating a good ole’ book burning, and if that was the case I was out.

  15. kristine - February 15, 2006 at 11:00 am -

    oh man…people are already clammering for “first post of the day” status around here?! i already see your head getting even BIGGER.

    oh, and question re: Consumerjology.

    how is it pronounced?

    A. Cuhn-soo-mer-jal-a-jee
    B. Cuhn-soo-mer-joe-lo-jee
    C. Cuhn-soo-mer-joe-lo-gee

    because, i mean, i can’t be comfortable with a religion if it doesn’t roll nicely off the tongue.

    thanks.

  16. Keith - February 15, 2006 at 11:02 am -

    Do I have to burn any computer or Internet-related products I might purchase by which to read your blog? Man, the caveats just keep on comin’…

  17. better safe than sorry - February 15, 2006 at 11:29 am -

    if only i knew how to read.

  18. Steve - February 15, 2006 at 11:32 am -

    Kristine,

    I was having the same problem. I just can’t get over the fact that there seems to be an O missing. And in my book any religion worth having should have *extra* Os not a lack of them. 😉

  19. susan - February 15, 2006 at 11:56 am -

    Can we get a bonus when we join, like a free Swiffer or a coupon for a six-pack of Vanilla Coke?

  20. Rachel - February 15, 2006 at 12:11 pm -

    Kristine and Steve,

    I think its like Scientology which is not Scientolology. Hence, Consumerjology and not Consumerjolology.

    Pauly, can I get a discount off my joining fee and my laminated membership card for clarifying that and for using the worse “hence?”

  21. jerry - February 15, 2006 at 1:30 pm -

    I appreciate the simplicity of worshipping the Book and I will subscribe to this new thing but for those among us stuck in traditional religious methodology — You all can worship Me.

  22. Pauly D - February 15, 2006 at 2:57 pm -

    Kristine – Actually, you don’t pronounce it any of the ways you’ve suggested. In fact, you pronounce it as “cthaahzz”. There’s a lot of missing and silent letters, but this adds to the allure and mysterious nature of a religion that is bound to transform society in the next decade.

  23. Carly - February 15, 2006 at 5:16 pm -

    Yes, but where is your clause about not having fear of hurting people who try to talk shite about your religion? That’s key. I won’t join unless you have that clause. I want violence for non-believers, dammit!

  24. Elliott Back - February 16, 2006 at 1:05 am -

    This is a pyramid scheme, not a religion 😉 You need god(s)!!

  25. Neeraj - February 16, 2006 at 3:37 am -

    What about Hand-Grenades ? And Rocket Launchers ? And WMDs ?

    Just asking, in case some people belonging to other religion might want to convert to Consumerjology, they would have a list of what-we-burn-and-what-we-dont-burn.

    Oh! and I’m all Neerajology(fied).

  26. Kathleen - February 16, 2006 at 11:31 am -

    um. I think I already joined sometime back. does taking a picture with your book in a resort town bookstore count as my public forum declaration?

    I HAVE been brainwashed. dang it.

  27. Jacquie - February 16, 2006 at 7:41 pm -

    So, besides reading the book (which I have already done) what else is involved? Is there a how to manual on writing letters to Fortune 500 companies or a training session on how to respond to telemarketers??? If so, sign me up.

  28. […] In other news, you may recall last week’s post in which I claimed to be starting my own religion called Consumerjology (pronunciation is currently in the debate phase). People have already begun worshipping their new religion, including Chris who submitted this picture of his minions already embracing the Jologist in themselves. […]

  29. […] Some might say it’s like a religion or a cult. […]

  30. Makabongwe Maseko - January 17, 2007 at 8:29 am -

    I’m a christain. Anyway thats what i grow up knowing i am. My parents are christians. i’m proud to be one. but would really like to know more about your new religion.

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