I figure, if L. Ron Hubbard can do it, so can I.
Sure, most mainstream religions are rooted in moments that happened thousands of years ago. But if a science fiction writer who was born in the last century can take a book that he’s written and turn it into an oft-publicized religion and get famous people like John Travolta and Jenna Elfman and Tom Cruise to join it… Then my own religion can succeed just as well.
I’ll call it Consumerjology.
Whether or not you’re aware of it, I laid many hidden lessons in my first book Consumer Joe. While on the surface it simply looked like a book of letters to America’s Fortune 500 companies, it was in fact as important as the Old Testament in directing the frustrated people of today’s world into a spiritual place where happiness would overshadow the frustration caused by customer service 1-800 help lines.
So, are you a consumerjologist?
Do you find yourself frustrated with products that don’t live up to the hype? Do you find yourself annoyed and feel the anger welling up inside of you after trying to talk to the customer service representatives at said referenced company? Do you feel as if you are helpless in a world where your hard earned money is spent on a product and then it breaks within the first week of having it? Have normal religions done nothing to alleviate your frustrations about your materialistic desires and the products you purchase in an attempt to fill such a void? Are you currently reading this on a computer with a few broken keys that you have simply, accepted are broken and no one will ever fix?
Then Consumerjology is the religion for you.
Like other religions that insist you believe in one God or that insist you tithe a certain percentage of your income in order to stay in good standing, Consumerjology does neither. Believe in whichever God you like. Do whatever you want with your money. These are things that do not interest consumerjologists. All we ask is that any time you think of buying a high-end consumer product based on being lured into getting it as a result of slick promotions or commercials — that you buy it, and have it shipped to our headquarters where WE will handle the issues and problems that come with it.
Thinking of buying a 52 inch LCD HDTV? Buy it, but send it to us. Debating whether or not to purchase a timeshare in Palm Springs? Give it to your consumerjologist elders. Want a brand new Mercedes? Well, seeing as though they’re no longer giving free service with a 3-year lease, you’re just going to get frustrated anyway so you might as well let us pick it up for you and handle the frustration.
At our Hollywood-based Consumerjology good-will center, we take your product frustrations out of the equation by taking all of your material products off your hands.
Yes, there will be critics. People who say that we’re not a religion but simply a high-end Goodwill of sorts. That we’re taking your expensive toys and using them for ourselves. Some might even suggest that once we receive delivery of said items, that we quickly sell them back for cash, which is then re-deposited into a slew of off-shore accounts.
The reason why your items (which you have sent us, instead of them being sent to you and ruining your life) are no longer at the Consumerjology headquarters is because once we have received them, we burn them in a ritual we ironically call The Burning. That is where we, well, burn the stuff you’ve sent us — and the smoke and sparks caused by such a thematic event release your frustration of the product (that you would have felt) into the ozone layer — which strengthens the ozone layer, provides more oxygen to the world (and you, so you can can breathe better and deeper) and improves Earth’s standing in the Universe, thus allowing us all to live longer thanks to your sacrifice. Why can’t you see the ashes of the burned electronic items you’ve sent us? Because we travel to a far away mountain that no one else can get to [see above picture] where we burn your items. (They must be as close to the ozone layer as possible when we burn them.) Yes, you are forgiven for second-guessing your new overlords.
So, how do you join?
In addition to sending each and every purchase to our headquarters, you must simply announce in some public forum your desire to be a part of the Consumerjology religion. After doing so, you will receive a laminated membership card (if we have a lamination machine, which should be coming soon due to some of our members wanting to buy one but having it shipped to us instead), a new name that will add -ology to the end of your last name and a warm cap and winter coat in the event you give us everything you own, including your home.
You will, we guarantee, feel much better about yourself and your life.
All it takes is one simple decision.