I Will Throw Rocks In Glass Houses

Wouldn’t you?

I mean, with a pocket full of rocks and a house made of glass, there isn’t a much more intriguing scenario I can think of. Sure, throwing mini mandarin oranges in a house made of chinese chicken salad, or throwing chocolate bars in a house made of peanut butter or throwing thumbtacks in a house made of cork could be mildly fun…

…but rocks in a glass house? Priceless.

The situation, of course, would be bittersweet for you — having grown up as a small child hoping to someday become a world-reknowned architect. You would have been a fan of Mike Brady on The Brady Bunch less for his strong authoritative hand and more because he was an architect. You’d probably say things to your parents like, “When I grow up I’d like to be an architect and build houses just like Mr. Brady,” to which they’d pat you on your little head and say, “Son, you can do whatever you want if you put your mind to it.”

Those words would echo in your head through high school and college, eventually driving you to become a full-time architect in one of the city’s largest and most well-regarded firms.

Sure, you’d be happy — you’d be involved in building parks and malls and houses for the elite in the rich parts of towns. You’d have a kid and a family and you’d be more financially stable than most of your friends. But at night, when you’d go home and you’d sit down at your drafting table in the back office, you’d pull out the plans for a house that you only dreamed about. A house that you weren’t sure could ever be physically built…

A house made of nothing but glass.

Sheets of glass, hundreds of feet high — they wouldn’t have such things in the States. You’d have to take a year off from your job to travel the world in order to find the one place in the Middle East where such a thing could be manufactured. There would be the months of learning the language just so you could negotiate a deal that wouldn’t make building such a house cost-prohibitive. Your wife and familiy would grow weary of the traveling and the obsession with the glass house, but you would strive to reach the one goal that you had always had.

And then you would find the site where you wanted to build your glass house.

Atop a grassy hill, overlooking the Atlantic ocean, nestled in among the brush and trees of a lush coastal town. The local mayor and citizens would welcome you and your family and your hundreds of tons of glass sheets — hoping that such a glass house would drive tourism dollars through the roof and bring peace and harmony to a town that had been (for the last few years, at least) locked in an evil battle of wills over the four-way stop sign down at Main and First. You would bring hope and joy to a group of 1,399 people in a coastal town who could use the kind of happiness that a glass house would bring.

And then construction would begin.

Three long years of construction. Three long years of mistakes and cracked panes and wind and water and the kind of damage that would dissuade lesser architects. But you would stand strong in the face of adversity and realize your lifelong dream of building a house made totally of glass. Glass walls, glass floors, glass staircases, glass windows, glass pocket doors, glass sinks, glass chairs, glass carpeting (shards of glass, FYI) and much much more. Your wife and family would revel in the fact that you were an honourable man who had achieved his goal…

And all would be good.

I would get the invitation to the housewarming in the mail that Fall. When I had opened the card, I would marvel at the shards of glass that had thematically fallen out onto my carpet and I would re-arrange the pieces back together in order to read the words you had etched upon them. A housewarming in a house made totally of glass, I would think to myself — there’s a real opportunity here for fun and mischief!

Before leaving my apartment I would go out by the river bed, where there were tons of rocks that I had previously used for skipping across the water. Sharp, jagged and perfect for filling pockets — I would weigh myself down by an extra twenty or so pounds, in preparation of what I expected would be a rollicking good time.

It would happen sometimes after you stopped serving those hot dogs wrapped in fila dough.

With a wry grin on my face, and a handful of rocks, I would hurl them in all directions, watching as the glass house you had built came tumbling down in a cascade of terror — people running and hiding under (yes, you guessed it) glass tables and glass window treatments — which would just crumble as the walls crumbled around us.

The look on your face would be priceless.

I would explain, sometime in the aftermath, that you couldn’t possibly expect people to come to a housewarming for a totally 100% glass house without someone deciding to bring rocks. I would blame society and the phrase-makers of years gone by for the cause of such an instance. I would try to make you feel better by saying something like, “well at least you didn’t build a house out of peanut butter!”

It wouldn’t help, of course.

In the end, you’d go back to your job in the big city and I’d go back to my apartment with cuts on my face — and we’d live our lives separately for the rest of our days… You, at least feeling like you’d accomplished a lifelong goal (no matter the outcome) and me, pleased that I had finally made a famous saying come true.

You’d hate me, but that would be par for the course.

23 comments on “I Will Throw Rocks In Glass Houses

  1. Glen - February 12, 2006 at 10:34 am -

    Bastard.

  2. Daniel Nicolas - February 12, 2006 at 10:39 am -

    Oh to be living on the atlantic…

  3. jmorrison - February 12, 2006 at 10:40 am -

    and just after i’d secured the envied position of lone windex supplier to that home! you bastard! watch your back.

  4. Dave2 - February 12, 2006 at 10:51 am -

    If you LIVED in a glass house you’d feel differently… because people who live in glass houses don’t throw stones.

    They instead throw their money after obscenely expensive insurance policies.

  5. H.F. Peterman - February 12, 2006 at 12:01 pm -

    If the furniture was all glass you wouldn’t need a coaster. Actually, it would be quite fun to throw tomato’s or eggs instead of stones.

  6. better safe than sorry - February 12, 2006 at 1:21 pm -

    i want to live in that chocolate and peanut butter house, mmmmm.

  7. Rabbit - February 12, 2006 at 1:24 pm -

    Well, that’s not very nice. You couldn’t just breathe on the glass and write “Pauly D wuz here?”

  8. nic - February 12, 2006 at 1:43 pm -

    I al$o was looking at the Windex angle. Back to the drawing board. It would be SO hot in that glass house … just imagine!

    (Wouldn’t it more of a “rocking” good time?)

  9. groovebunny - February 12, 2006 at 2:03 pm -

    Does this glass house have a glass toilet as well? If so, I say down with the house, because that would pretty much be like going to the bathroom in public.

  10. sandra - February 12, 2006 at 2:10 pm -

    a) My current apartment is very much — construction-wise — like a glass house. The walls pretty much crumble when I look at them sternly.

    b) Could my glass house be made of plexiglass? Or perhaps bullet-proof glass? (which one would assume could withstand the brutal force of your stone-throwing)

  11. dgm - February 12, 2006 at 2:11 pm -

    everyone seems to want to blame you for the breakage, pauly, but i think it’s the fault rests with the homeowner. people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones–we all know that–but neither should they invite over people who will throw stones. my money will go to the “pauly d legal defense fund,” and i’ll even have some kid make you a banner.

  12. Pauly D - February 12, 2006 at 2:14 pm -

    I just have to chime in here and agree with dgm that if you’re stupid enough to build a house out of nothing but glass, you’d better believe you’re going to have people throwing rocks.

    And better that it’s me throwing rocks that the normal hoodlums in your all-glass neighborhood…that’s what I always say.

  13. Kathleen - February 12, 2006 at 3:51 pm -

    this was an excellent post.

    I would have so much fun throwing rocks in a glass house…

  14. Rabbit - February 12, 2006 at 5:24 pm -

    Could you at least write something ironic on the rocks?

  15. Heather - February 12, 2006 at 5:32 pm -

    If you put the rocks into your pocket before leaving LA, you’d weigh 500 # & you wouldn’t be able to afford the 2 seats you’d have to occupy to fly to the East coast. You also wouldn’t be able to disguise the fact that you had horse hips when you arrived at the glass house, if you were even able to walk that far with all those rocks in your pockets.

  16. Pauly D - February 12, 2006 at 5:44 pm -

    Rabbit – Yes, I could. I’d write “break glass in case of emergency” on them.

    Heather – What, do you work for the FSA or something?

  17. Belinda - February 13, 2006 at 4:13 am -

    I’m a little concerned about the amount of time you seem to have on your hands. I mean, WOW, this was a project of a post. Are you eating well? Getting out?

  18. kristine - February 13, 2006 at 5:26 am -

    Belinda, some people just have the knack. have you heard of Belinda Carlisle? she had some good tunes…

    and as for all you Windex entrepreneurs, I called dibs on that shit YEARS ago.

  19. susan - February 13, 2006 at 5:41 am -

    Why would anyone be an architectural fan of Mike Brady? Six children and only three bedrooms? (not counting Alice’s) Pick up your stones (not rocks) and throw away.

  20. Pauly D - February 13, 2006 at 7:44 am -

    Susan – Sure, maybe Mike Brady didn’t do too well on his own house, but that was only a learning process. Did you ever see the project he built in Hawaii? That was a feat of architectual prowess.

  21. ms. sizzle - February 13, 2006 at 7:50 am -

    no i wouldn’t. i am afraid of flying glass shards cutting my retina.

    what? i think about these things.

    🙂 sizz

  22. Heather - February 13, 2006 at 10:16 pm -

    Yes, and you are going to get fined heavily, if not incarcerated, for being a menace to those with glass edifices.

  23. Kathleen - February 16, 2006 at 11:19 am -

    …”break glass in case of energency….”

    ROGFL! that means rolling on glass floor laughing!

    oh please, someone build a glass house…

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