I Am Afraid of Sell-By Dates
February 9th, 2006
Sell-by dates.
I spend more time in my life staring at the sell-by dates on sides and bottom of food packages in my fridge than women of the opposite sex, car accidents, sky-writing planes and roadkill combined. I spend more time wondering if a food product has gone bad by the sell-by date or if they just can’t sell it by the sell-by date. I spend more time worrying that food poisoning is not far behind a consumed sell-by dated product.
The fear envelops me like an enveloping something or other.
Before a sell-by date is reached, I’m a pretty happy guy. I can look in my fridge on January 1st and gaze wide-eyed at the cottage cheese (Sell By 1/29/06), the cold cuts (Sell By 1/15/06), the milk (Sell By 1/8/06), the yogurt (Sell By 1/10/06) and the sausages, cheese and olives (Sell By 6/22/06). I have no worries about eating anything in that fridge no matter the time of day or mode of thought.
Things are good. And fine. And pleasant.
But as those sell-by dates start approaching there’s an internal questioning that goes on that really has no answer whatsoever. For if a sell-by date is 1/10 and it’s 1/10, does that mean the food has gone bad? Or has the food gone bad the day after the sell-by date? Or does the food go bad three days after the sell by date? Or is the food already going bad the day before the sell-by date, thus the strong urging of the sell-by date to be sold by the date in question?
What if it’s a week past the sell-by date, can I still eat it then?
Just like the debate of whether or not a cat really will explode in a microwave, people seemingly each have their own beliefs about the sell-by date scenario. They range from the sell-by date being ludicrous (and that food is good to eat until it turns green or smells like a dead animal), that you have three days after the sell-by date in which to eat something without getting sick, or that the sell-by date is the last day you can eat something so in reality it’s really an “eat-by date.”
See what I’m working with here?
I would prefer that food manufacturers employ the Get Smart Quotient into food packaging. That means, that when a food item is no longer good to eat, it will explode. Right there in the fridge. Self-destruct. Something like that. I would much rather have to clean up cottage cheese from the inside walls of my fridge than have to clean up vomit from the inside walls of my bathroom after having eaten food that’s gone bad. Trust me, I think you’ll agree on this one.
Or, even better, in the ever continuing WFME tradition of loving midgets and dwarfs — why not employ Sell-By dates that come with their own dwarf food disposal service? Sure, it might be a little unnerving to have a dwarf in the kitchen constantly yelling out, “Alrighty, gonna throw out this goat cheese now!” or “This dwarf is throwing out the bacon!!” — but wouldn’t that be better than standing slack-jawed (like I normally do) as I try to find the Sell-By date and then stare at it in wonder, wondering just what my next step should be?
Plus, shouldn’t it really be called a throw out date or a toxic poison danger date or don’t eat if it’s past this date kind of date? I mean, c’mon food guys! Give us a message we can understand without having to consult our entire extended family. When I see the sign STOP, I know what to do. YIELD, no problem. GOOD UNTIL, I get. WALK, DON’T WALK are no brainers. But SELL BY? I’m not selling anything. I’m eating. Consuming. Digesting. Maybe a DIGEST UNTIL date? Although, how long does it take to digest a food item? See? Totally confusing.
Now I’d like to share with you my haiku about Sell-By dates:
Where’s the sell-by date?
January 1st? Uh oh.
Get me a bucket.
—
In other news, tomorrow brings yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment.” So pony up an idea and see if you make the cut, thus becoming the most famous person in your household for an entire week!! Or not.
Pauly, I think your questions may be answered in this Phil’s guide to sell-by dates. You can thank me later.
Comment by Hilary — February 9, 2006 @ 8:16 am
Hilary - I see no mention of dwarfs in that article. And what is MSNBC? Is that a legitimate news organization?
Comment by Pauly D — February 9, 2006 @ 8:20 am
Isn’t it funny how a person (me) checks the sell-by date when shopping, but once it’s home and in the fridge, it’s forgotten?
The GSQ is a great idea but we really do love dwarves, don’t we?
“This dwarf is loving the haiku!”
Comment by nic — February 9, 2006 @ 8:29 am
Here’s a rad idea that I know Hilary will endorse:
Dates that have “sell-by” or expiration dates.
Obviously, it would be much more helpful to have an actual, end-of-the-line expiration date for relationships, but I think most of us would settle for “date this person by this date, or you run the risk of date poisoning.”
The concept needs some work. But I’ll assemble the girls in LA to work out the details.
Comment by Esther Kustanowitz — February 9, 2006 @ 8:34 am
Hilary - Luckily for me, I have never encountered a “skunky” brew (except, of course, for all Schlitz)!*
*The Bull excluded
Comment by nic — February 9, 2006 @ 8:45 am
My wife is very adamant about living by sell-by dates as the be-all/end-all of food keep rulings. If it’s past that date, it’s gone. Me? I typically sniff once and judge based on that.
Comment by Kevin — February 9, 2006 @ 9:06 am
what a great idea, kind of like mission impossible. maybe tommy could come over, suspend himself from your ceiling and clean the fridge out, the old fashioned way.
Comment by better safe than sorry — February 9, 2006 @ 9:07 am
The mystery is over: Yes, cats really do explode in microwaves. Remember that government grant I said I got?
Comment by Keith — February 9, 2006 @ 9:25 am
Although I don’t spend a lot of time pondering sell-by dates, I definitely panic a bit when milk is a day or two past said date. The thought process generally involves me sitting down in front of the open fridge, staring at the milk, staring at the sell-by date, sniffing the milk, thinking about the possibility that I could get sick…putting the milk back in the fridge…realizing that I really do want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch…and adding it to my cereal bowl anyway. But only if it’s within a day or two of the sell-by date.
It’s a very scientific process.
Comment by sandra — February 9, 2006 @ 9:26 am
Sandra - I would drink milk that was a year past it’s sell-by date for a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Always.
Comment by Pauly D — February 9, 2006 @ 9:42 am
I ate the other night a 1 year expired (based on sell by date) can of clam chowder and I’m still feeling okay, so I guess results may vary.
I think yogurt’s sell by date to expiration date is about 1 week.
On the other hand, regular milk… that’s scary, I’ll never drink it if it’s one day past sell by…
Comment by Charles Tran — February 9, 2006 @ 10:08 am
So many dairy products are made with cultured bacteria anyway…
I guess the date lets you know when consuming bacteria goes from tasting yummy to being harmful. However, it seems like you should just be able to drop a penicillin in your yogurt and extend the sell-by-date by another week or two.
Comment by The Centaur — February 9, 2006 @ 10:30 am
I keep waiting for expiration dates to be applied to movies, music, clothing, trends, and slang phrases. I fear being socially inadequate when it comes to things like this.
Is it still okay to listen to MC Hammer? Wear Painter’s Pants? Say “fo-shizzle”? I have no idea.
Comment by Dave2 — February 9, 2006 @ 10:34 am
I’m usually pretty good about keeping our refrigerator tidy.
If the sell by date has passed I do the dreaded “smell test”. If it doesn’t pass the test then I toss it.
Comment by kristin — February 9, 2006 @ 10:50 am
I think of all food as in a constant state of rotting and decomposing. Refrigeration and preservatives may decrease the rate at which something rots, but it is going bad, just the same.
** Note - I just about yakked when I read that Charles Tran ate a can of Clam Chowder that is a year older than the expiration date…that chowder is like…ten years old. Ten year old FISH?!!? Cramped up in a can? In a dairy based broth? The scent alone could kill someone…
Comment by Flower Girl — February 9, 2006 @ 10:52 am
Flower Girl - Yes, but the fact that a guy named Charles Tran ate a year old can of Clam Chowder is less surprising just based on the fact that if you expected someone to battle the secret aging ritual of year old clam chowder, don’t you think he’d be named something like Charles Tran anyway? Or Mick Fleetwood? Or something like that?
Comment by Pauly D — February 9, 2006 @ 10:55 am
Pauly…If you can find dwarfs for hire, then send one my way. I’m all over the date thing, but I need one scoping out the shelves in the pantry for empty or almost empty boxes. What would be really nice would for the pantry to magically be organized when I got home from the market.
Ugh..after my turkey debacle at Thanksgiving (giving myself food poisoning)…I have the cleanest, no out of date food fridge ever. LOL.
Now I’m off to figure out what part of speech Then and Without are for the 5th grader who’s home sick.
xoxo
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — February 9, 2006 @ 11:31 am
Now that you mention it…you might have something. But I think Tarles Chan sounds more warrior-like, as if he is related to Jackie.
Maybe we should begin working on a story line about a fellow named Tarles Chan who goes about, bursting into people’s kitchens, and kung fu-ing food with questionable freshness dates…protecting society from the perils of poisoning…
Comment by Flower Girl — February 9, 2006 @ 11:41 am
sell by dates scare me. i am a sniffer. if it has an expired date i have to smell it and then, i go one worse, and make anyone around me smell it too. don’t you hate it when someone says, “here. smell this. does it smell bad?”
i am one of those people.
Comment by ms. sizzle — February 9, 2006 @ 11:48 am
i’m normally a sniffer, but if the item in question is meat, we put it in front of the cat. if he won’t eat it, no one does.
i do honor the “sell by” date on a 20 oz. diet coke bottle, however. beyond that date, the stuff is bad–not toxic, just crappy and flat.
Comment by dgm — February 9, 2006 @ 12:08 pm
My mother always said to smell it, you’ll always be able to tell if it’s gone bad. That didn’t work so well with the expired condoms.
Comment by Hope — February 9, 2006 @ 12:53 pm
Why is there a use by date on the bottom of canned soda and did you know you can eat cheese even if it’s turned green if you just cut the green area off? “Alrighty, gonna cut the cheese now!” said the dwarf.
Comment by Rachel — February 9, 2006 @ 4:09 pm
The only sell-by date I really worry about is the one for milk. Once that date rolls around, I refuse to drink it.
I still use it for cooking and baking though.
Comment by Rabbit — February 9, 2006 @ 5:15 pm
my dad was a dwarf, and the funny thing is he really did refer to himself as a dwarf all the time, like “you’re about to have a very pissed-off dwarf on your hands,” or “what’s a dwarf gotta do to get a sandwich around here?”
[he'd also want me to tell you that it's not really cool to say "midget." not that i like to get all crazy about it, but... yeah.]
Comment by Lindsay — February 9, 2006 @ 6:34 pm
Dude… I laugh in the face of Sell-By dates. Just smell the food! Anyway a little funk never hurt anybody. Unless it was the funky chicken, in which case it made people look really retarded.
Comment by Adri — February 9, 2006 @ 6:45 pm
Pauly, I can’t tell you how much of my life has been spent sniffing food items on their sell-by dates. I wish I could get all that time back, but alas I cannot.
This sell-by date issue is a big issue in our house. In fact, Mrs. Malone is convinced that I had a hand in this post.
Comment by T. Malone — February 9, 2006 @ 7:46 pm
Lindsay - I love that story about your sandwich-loving dwarf of a dad. Did he ever hide under the bed to scare you and teach you a lesson when you strayed from the path of righteousness?
Adri - Funky chicken, huh?
T. Malone - Good to see you’re still alive. You give Mrs. Malone a big sell-by date sniffing hug from us here at WFME.
Comment by Pauly D — February 9, 2006 @ 7:50 pm
A sell-by date haiku?
Honey, stick with the prose.
It was kinda funny though —
I shot wine through my nose.
Comment by Lynn — February 9, 2006 @ 8:58 pm
So, would you feel better if there were NO sell-by or “best if used by” dates printed on the packages, or worse?
Comment by Belinda — February 9, 2006 @ 10:12 pm
Belinda - I think all cartons or containers of food should be LOCKED once they’re past the sell-by date. Like, some kind of chemical reaction takes place that seals it shut. Ooh, this is good.
So, think about it — when a food starts to go bad, the fumes can definitely start to waft up in the container, thus starting a chemical reaction to some substance we have on the inside of the lid, thus causing it to glue shut and allowing no one to eat bad food.
I should get a patent on that.
Comment by Pauly D — February 9, 2006 @ 10:16 pm
Tangential anecdote: My wife and I opened a bottle of champagne on New Year’s Eve and did the traditional thing (we *drank* it, sickos, what did you think I meant?). After one glass each, we’d had enough, so we were left with three-quarters of a bottle of champagne that we would in all likelihood never finish.
Me: I might as well pour this out, don’tcha think?
Her: Nah, go ahead and put it back in the fridge.
Me: Sooo … you want to wait till it goes all flat and *then* get rid of it? That way it’ll seem like less of a waste, right?
Her: Right.
Comment by Mark — February 9, 2006 @ 11:43 pm
Yeah, yeah, fear of sell-by dates, obviously you’re not alone. (Whatever happened to expiration dates? Those were the ones that were handy.) This does not make you unique.
No, the thing in this post that makes you unique is the glossed-over revelation of your ability to tell women of the opposite sex from women of the same sex. I have seen my share of VERY PASSABLE men in drag (and not in drag…) and the ability to tell the difference could win many a bar bet.
Comment by Figs — February 10, 2006 @ 1:38 pm
pauly– can’t say he hid under the bed. he was, however, known to wave his cane around above his head in a threatening manner, which i think is even more effective.
this has been a fun little trip down memory lane
Comment by Lindsay — February 10, 2006 @ 3:30 pm
Fun fact: Most food has a ton of bacteria and other junk on it way before the sell-by date. Most sell-by dates are calculated, not with the customer’s health in mind, but with the looks of the food in question. If it starts to look bad then that’s what they’ll use for the sell-by date. These guys, the guys that are making the sell-by dates are tricking you, poisoning you.
Comment by Glen — February 10, 2006 @ 4:08 pm
Dave2: No, no, and it never WAS.
Comment by Belinda — February 11, 2006 @ 4:54 am
Pauly–that is GENIUS. I predict, however, that you will not follow through, and 10 years from now when the hermetically-sealed self-destructing food container inventor is as rich as 3M after Post-It Notes, you will be kicking yourself SO hard.
Comment by Belinda — February 11, 2006 @ 4:57 am
what’s a “woman of the opposite sex?”
THAT scares me.
i buy meat that’s on the verge of expiring because there’s a little coupon on it for “$2 off”. it’s fiiiiiiiiiiiiiine…
Comment by sass — February 11, 2006 @ 11:40 am
I’m quite glad that I am not the only one who has pondered this very subject. Great Post!
Comment by Sarah — February 12, 2006 @ 3:12 pm
I hate sell by dates. I recently ate a little of expired yogurt that was a week past its expiration date and got so scared. The date was June 29 and it was July 5. Turns out I didnt get sick but Im still very paranoid if I will get sick now. I heard yogurt is still good for about 7 to 10 days after its sell by date is this true?
Comment by mely — July 7, 2006 @ 3:55 pm
Don’t drink milk past the expiration date! You run the risk of getting food poisoning, stomach aches, or vomiting! If there wasn’t a reason for putting the expiration date on the carton, they wouldn’t put it on there.
Comment by Cali — September 30, 2006 @ 8:53 am
last night i ate pork chops that were 5 days past sell by date. now i just wish i had some real poison to eat. you are better off throwing it out
Comment by richard — March 26, 2007 @ 5:45 am