No, I Don’t Drink Coffee
February 4th, 2006
Sometimes I feel like a second class citizen.
It’s usually when we’re standing somewhere talking but we’ve both got somewhere to go and you say something like “we should totally get together” and I say “you are so right we should totally get together” and you say “yeah totally, how about we meet up for coffee” and I say “that’s great except I don’t drink coffee” and then there’s this long pause as you look at me like I just killed Bambi…
That’s about the time I feel like a second class citizen as I previously referenced [see above].
No it’s not because of health issues or a dislike of Juan Valdez or the fact that once when I was a child I witnessed a migrant worker get crushed by a huge 10 ton bag of coffee beans. It’s not because I am against Starbucks quest to take over the world or the fact that Peet’s Coffee just isn’t working hard enough to beat Starbucks at their own game. It’s not because I don’t like frappa-whattas and double-machalattes or half-calf-staff infections…
I just don’t like the taste.
You’d think I was the last single human on the face of the Earth that didn’t want to join Scientology or something because everyone seems to think it’s up to them to convert me. There’s always someone offering up the old “Do You Like Coffee Ice Cream Because If You Do Then We Can Work On Your Issues Here” adage… There’s always someone trying to get me on board by overloading a coffee drink with frozen ice and caramel and whipped cream and chocolate covered heart-attacks in a neat little plastic glass. There’s a movement out there that seeks to convert my taste buds if it’s the last thing they do.
But even worse are the awkward conversations that take place when I show up to meet someone for a “coffee talk.” Seemingly, some people can’t get into a conversation because they’re worried about my lack of coffee-consumption.
Them: “What are you going to get?”
Me: “Well, I don’t drink coffee.”
Them: “Oh no. You don’t?”
Me: “No. Why, what’s wrong?”
Them: “Well, if you don’t drink coffee… And here we are meeting up for coffee… Well, what are you going to get to drink? How are we going to ‘have coffee together’ if you don’t drink coffee in the first place.”
Me: “I’ll get an orange juice.”
Them: “Oh no, you can’t get orange juice at a Starbucks.”
Me: “Why not? They sell it.”
Them: “That’s only for breakfast, not for meeting up and having coffee.”
Me: “How about hot chocolate. I could get that if it made you feel better.”
Them: “If you’re going to get hot chocolate, you might as well just get coffee.”
BAM!
Their minds are strong and their wills are even stronger, I always say about the coffee-convincers. They’re like a caffiene-enhanced version of the smart chess playing computer Big Blue. They can see about twelve moves ahead in the conversation and they know that if they work hard enough they’ll eventually convince you to order a damn coffee so the headache-induced caffiene-controlled haze they walk through each and every day can be yours to own for the low low price of $3.95.
Well, I refuse.
I do not like coffee, coffee ice cream, chocolate covered coffee beans, Kahlua, frozen coffee, cold coffee, coffee in a can, in your grocer’s freezer or mixed up with caramel, fudge or whipped cream.
And I do not like being treated like a second-class citizen.
So forget about your quest to convert me and forget about the uncomfortability you feel when I sit opposite you in a coffee house with my cup of water and my pack of gum. Move past your amazement at the fact that someone you know doesn’t like coffee. Let go of the pressure you feel to get yet another acquaintance of yours to join the cult of coffee.
I’ll stick with my orange juice and I’ll be just fine.
No, I don’t eat shrimp or scallops or clams or mussels. No, I don’t eat most seafood!!! People look at me like I have two heads and want me to explain exactly why I don’t like it. Um, it’s tastes foul and feels slimy? Come on people, it’s not like there’s a universal taste bud we all have for seafood! But coffee? What don’t you like about it? When was the last time you tried it? Have you tried the flavored coffees? I’ve never known anyone that didn’t like coffee. Maybe you just had a bad experience with coffee. Blah, blah, blah.
Comment by Rachel — February 4, 2006 @ 9:23 am
I’ll tell you what Rachel.
I won’t force you to eat calamari (even though it’s awesome, but yeah I know you think it tastes like rubber and you hate those little tentacles) and you won’t treat me like a second class citizen for not liking coffee.
Deal?
Comment by Pauly D — February 4, 2006 @ 9:27 am
Amen, no coffee for me either.
(and seafood is disgusting)
Comment by Glen — February 4, 2006 @ 9:46 am
Coffee = bad
Comment by Daniel Nicolas — February 4, 2006 @ 10:13 am
wow. it’s true, though, people do take their coffee consumption and the social aspect of it pretty seriously.
i used to be a non-coffee drinker but that did not stick unfortunately.
i promise if either of us were to ever go almost cross-country and therefore be in the same town and my husband and i met up with your wife and you, i would NOT make you feel like you had to drink coffee.
…now, what about this? surely this isn’t strange. nooooooo.
http://www.cnn.com/2004/US/01/12/offbeat.steak.reu...
Comment by Sarcomical — February 4, 2006 @ 10:22 am
Okay, here’s the weird thing Pauly, I do like calamari even after I found out that it’s squid (fried with the red sauce).
But it’s still okay if you don’t like coffee; the richest, darkest, fullest-bodiest, hottest, most stimulating beverage around.
Comment by Rachel — February 4, 2006 @ 10:26 am
I feel ya. I’m a tea drinker, and I frequently feel like a creature from another planet.
Comment by EverydaySuperGoddess — February 4, 2006 @ 10:31 am
You’re lucky is what you are. Because coffee is addictive, I think most coffee drinkers feel a little controlled by the beverage. They feel a need to have it, and miss it when they don’t have it…and get mad when it’s not good. They also feel the need to convince others that need coffee too…after all, if all you non-coffee drinkers understood it’s draw you couldn’t say no it! At least that’s how I feel…since I am a coffee drinker addict myself! You’re lucky is what you are!
Comment by Shane Shepherd — February 4, 2006 @ 10:49 am
If you don’t drink coffee, what were you doing in Starbucks when you met Mr. T?
Comment by Peter — February 4, 2006 @ 10:50 am
Why should anyone care? Drinking water is far better for you. I remember a time when not being a smoker would bring similar comments. And look at that situation now.
Cas
Comment by cassie-b — February 4, 2006 @ 10:54 am
i totally understand although i love coffee. everybody has his/her own taste. some people will be surprised if i tell them that i cannot eat sushi.
Comment by Elle — February 4, 2006 @ 10:58 am
Hah… try not liking coffee and living in the Seattle area. People here have been killed for less.
Comment by Dave2 — February 4, 2006 @ 11:00 am
Amen Brother. Reprezent!
(Another non-coffee drinker)
Comment by Jason — February 4, 2006 @ 11:43 am
I just started working for a coffee company and I really don’t like coffee at all. But now since I’m doing customer service I have to try all our coffees and learn about their aromas and bodies and all that junk. Yuck. At least we have incredible teas. Testing all of those is a joy.
Comment by Brandon — February 4, 2006 @ 11:48 am
Peter - Getting my C-Monster Orange Juice and my croissant, of course.
Comment by Pauly D — February 4, 2006 @ 11:57 am
**GASP**
If you’ll need me, I’ll be in the ER, being treated for shock.
Comment by Sara J. — February 4, 2006 @ 12:18 pm
I started liking coffee once I got my office job. Before that I never really cared for the stuff. Speaking of addicts, Dutch Brothers opened a new drive up shack in town and the last few days has been giving away everything for free. People are lined up in cars in lines 30 cars long. They are probably waiting an hour to get a free $3 drink. Either they have nothing better to do, don’t value their time very much, or are coffee addicts.
See, coffee is evil.
Comment by monkeyinabox — February 4, 2006 @ 12:28 pm
Wow Pauly, look at all your fellow coffee haters. I, for one, LOVE LOVE LOVE my coffee. Just in case we meet for coffee here’s how I like mine. I’ll savor my yummy columbian roast, Half and Half, one sweet and low…and in my favorite Pink Mug. For you….OJ is perfect…just make sure you bring us some yummy cake and a few forks. Doable?
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — February 4, 2006 @ 1:01 pm
I want you to know that I plan on printing this article out.
I will send a copy to my girlfriend, to my office, to my friends at college. I will send everyone who ever ordered me some Peppermint Latte, because “it just tastes like hot chocolate” when it DOESN’T…AT ALL…
I will let them all know that finally someone with more hootzva then me has articulated the point that I don’t like coffee, nor do I have any plan to ever in the future.
Now if I could just find someone to write my anti-mustard manifesto…
Comment by Andy — February 4, 2006 @ 1:18 pm
Andy - Glad I could help. As for your anti-mustard manifesto, you might want to read this anti ketchup and mustard post of mine to get you started.
Comment by Pauly D — February 4, 2006 @ 1:29 pm
MOM! I didn’t know you had a blog! … And when did you have a sex change? Does Dad know? I may need further therapy…
Comment by Figs — February 4, 2006 @ 1:44 pm
I think maybe you need to take a look at the people you’re meeting for coffee. Clearly they just can’t accept you for who you are — a non-coffee drinker. Are those REALLY the kind of “friends” you want to have? Because (and this is just me) if I’m with someone who doesn’t drink coffee, I acknowledge and move on. And suggest we go get drunk somewhere because coffee drinking is overrated anyway.
Comment by Amber — February 4, 2006 @ 1:48 pm
Personally, I LOVE coffee and DESPISE Starbucks, so if we meet for coffee, it can be anywhere but there and you can drink anything you want.
Comment by jg — February 4, 2006 @ 2:04 pm
Pauly D, I’m feeling a bond here…I can’t stand coffee, despise orange juice more than I can possibly explain and have never met a soda I liked. The coffee thing — people look at me like I’m insane. The orange juice — people look at me like I’m insane when mimosas are brought out at brunch and I decline…and the soda? It’s almost like I have four extra arms or something. I don’t like it! Get over it!
Comment by sandra — February 4, 2006 @ 2:55 pm
And I thought I was the only person in southern California to not like the taste of coffee. We need to start a club.
Comment by Hilary — February 4, 2006 @ 3:07 pm
I gotta know: Do you drink tea? herbal? Hot beverages of any sort? Caffeinated drinks? Interesting… I myself am married to a non-coffee drinker, though on occasion he has humored me and had a cup of “coffee” 8 creamers and 5 sugars. Some people are naturally SPAZ. How weird that anyone would pressure you. What are we in some coffee frat, drink, drink, drink. I say, MORE COFFEE FOR ME!
Comment by susan — February 4, 2006 @ 3:35 pm
i don’t drink coffee either, never have, but i love the smell of it. i’ll eat a coffee crisp chocolate bar (not sure if you have that in the states or not) i drink tea, but decaf, caffeine is the devil.
Comment by better safe than sorry — February 4, 2006 @ 4:02 pm
ohhhh, i know your type, pauly. you don’t want to love coffee so you can hold your moral superiority over the rest of us. you agree to meet people “for coffee” but once you get them there you ambush them with self-righteousness in the form of a giant orange juice. mmm-hmm. you need to tear us down to build yourself up, make us feel small so you can feel big. i’ll bet there’s a name for your type in the psychology textbooks.
Comment by dgm — February 4, 2006 @ 5:40 pm
I’m a tea drinker (and me a Brit too, go figure) and rarely drink coffee because I don’t like the taste.
Just the occasional white chocolate mocha passes my lips. Never encountered anyone who was weirded out that I don’t quaff coffee by the large travel mug as they do, yet.
I did try a chocolate covered espresso bean the other day for some stupid reason. The chocolate part was good but biting into the bean was a big frickin’ mistake!
Mik
Comment by Mik — February 4, 2006 @ 6:48 pm
i eat people like you for breakfast
with a triple-fucking-espresso
Comment by meme — February 4, 2006 @ 7:37 pm
I feel that way about people trying to make me wear heels.
Or shoes in general, for that matter.
Comment by JM — February 4, 2006 @ 9:11 pm
coffee makes me fall asleep.
Comment by ms. sizzle — February 4, 2006 @ 9:15 pm
I’m sure you have a sparkling smile as a result of your coffee abstinence too!
Comment by Jaclyn — February 4, 2006 @ 9:31 pm
i laughed out loud. yes i did…at this: “chocolate covered heart-attacks in a neat little plastic glass”
(spellcheck, Pauly… caffiene?)
:) 
Comment by jenny — February 4, 2006 @ 10:43 pm
Found your blog it’s interesting and kinda funny heh.
Just as amusing as sixthseal.com
Comment by omnikaze — February 4, 2006 @ 10:49 pm
Wow. First you don’t swallow pills, then you don’t drink coffee either? Holy shit, it’s like my guy twin! No, I don’t like coffee. I hate the smell, and it tastes just like it smells. I do not understand how anyone likes the taste of bitter so goddamned much. I usually assume people just drink it for the massive caffeine jolt factor.
But seriously, I get so sick of the OMG YOU DON’T LIKE COFFEE? shit, especially as a writer because I’m expected to be addicted to the stuff. Or how whenever you get asked out on a date, it’s always for coffee, and then I have to drop the coffee bomb and make everything awkward. No, I DON’T want to go to Peet’s, because I hate coffee AND tea, and I won’t drink anything there. At least Starbucks has those slushy drinks you can order instead, though a guy probably can’t order them without impugning his manhood. (I must give credit to my one coffee-drinking ex for rescheduling our first date to a Jamba Juice equivalent, though.)
I used to work as a reporter, and the other guy there besides me that didn’t like coffee got yelled at one morning to make coffee for everyone else. Uh, it’s not like he knows HOW, people. And how well do y’all think a non-coffee drinker is going to know how to make your coffee just the way you like it?
I read the Ivory trilogy by Doris Egan and there’s a coffee equivalent in the book called tah that’s mentioned as being physically addictive. I was amused that one plot involved getting ahold of all of the tah in the vicinity specifically to annoy the tah addicts.
Comment by Jennifer — February 5, 2006 @ 12:16 am
I really don’t know why people feel shocked about me not liking coffe (”seeds burnt to char coal”). I am not shocked if someone doesn’t like black pudding or blood sausage althoug it’s heaven…
Comment by Jan — February 5, 2006 @ 1:48 am
diet coke?
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — February 5, 2006 @ 6:23 am
LOVE Diet Coke.
Comment by Pauly D — February 5, 2006 @ 8:44 am
you like coffee, I just know it.
Comment by Kathleen — February 5, 2006 @ 10:46 am
Great post today Pauly, I know exactly what you mean. LOL, however I am a sad coffee convert. Yep, it happened to me. That peer pressure and those frappa’s got to me and my sugar tooth. I am now an official coffee addict, I sold my 2 first borns just to have enough money to buy a 3.95 coffee twice a day. ~sigh~
It actually worked out though, less of a mess to clean up and more coffee…
I promise PD, if I ever see you I won’t badger you to drink coffee, I’ll let you order the hot chocolate. I know my kids always get those…
Oh and I 100% agree with Rachel, I hate anything that spends most of it’s time in water and I dislike people who try to convince me I don’t like fish because I haven’t had a good one, or they haven’t made it for me, oh, or I’m not eating it fresh enough. ~sigh~ STOP THE SEAFOOD INSANITY!
Comment by Virenda — February 5, 2006 @ 11:36 am
Well, you don’t like coffee, and I don’t like orange juice. We could be in a sitcom together, like an Odd Couple-type deal. Except I don’t gulp my water.
Comment by Keith — February 5, 2006 @ 1:11 pm
Would you drink it in a boat?
Would you drink it with a goat?
Hehe sorry couldn’t resist. I for one support your resistance to people who try pressure you to drink coffee. Shame on them.
Comment by groovebunny — February 5, 2006 @ 1:17 pm
I don’t like coffee either! Those other mixed drinks can be tasty, except that they have coffee in them.
I get a harder time over my dislike of garlic. People have asked me: how can you live without it? or have protested greatly that it can’t be so. It’s so hard for them to accept that I enjoy food with its own flavors rather than doused in garlic. Now I just say I’m allergic to it (it can make me feel ill so that seems fair).
Comment by claire — February 5, 2006 @ 1:28 pm
Good…then screw the coffee and you bring the diet coke.
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — February 5, 2006 @ 1:34 pm
Oh, wonderful! I hate coffee too! Perhaps I should start inviting people out for smoothies or juice. By the way, now matter what creams or chocolates or minty things they mix with a tiny bit of coffee, the bitter taste stills seeps through. My sister once made me a cappucino use the power mix and milk and it STILL tasted coffee-ish. Yuck! I will join you with your orange juice.
Comment by jill — February 5, 2006 @ 7:46 pm
I don’t drink coffee either, but not because of the taste. I just don’t like hot drinks. Why not? Because they burn my mouth. Every. Damn. Time. And it stays burned for days, and it’s just not worth the trouble. (I can’t believe nobody else has mentioned this.) So my drink of choice at the Evil but Unavoidable Starbucks is iced tea, even at 7 in the morning on the coldest day of the year. I live near San Diego, though, so it’s not so bad.
Comment by Mark — February 5, 2006 @ 9:50 pm
Lucky you, stay strong. From a coffee addict. I had to stop cold turkey twice due to pregnancy, and tried to stay off for a while. To no avail. I need my coffee this much!
Comment by Shevy — February 6, 2006 @ 7:08 am
For years, I have been convinced that I am the only person on the planet who doesn’t drink coffee. It’s good to know that there are a few others out there.
Thankfully, The Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf has made it more widely-acceptable for coffee and tea drinkers to comingle. Maybe one day, we can all live together in peace in a society where it is acceptable to have different tastes.
Comment by Nicole — February 6, 2006 @ 9:23 am
I love C-Monster! It tastes great AND has a great name. If only it weren’t so freakin’ filling, I’d drinking them everyday all day.
Comment by C Ro — February 6, 2006 @ 10:02 am
That’s totally ok, Pauly! I drink enough coffee for the both of us (and then some). As long as you don’t try to convert me into a non-coffee drinker, we’ll get along just fine.
And anyway, I drag my husband into Starbucks (or Fourbucks, as we like to call it) or reasonable facsimile thereof, and he always gets a C-Monster! So, cool people can go there and NOT drink coffee.
If you know of a good detox program, I might consider joining the other side (the non-caffeinated).
Comment by Ms. Q — February 7, 2006 @ 5:47 pm
I hate coffee. Sometimes people try to slip me coffee-flavored candy, thinking that my dislike is completely psychological. Two seconds after popping the candy in my mouth, I gag and spit it out.
All you people who try to trick me with your coffee products, STOP! No, coffee is not forbidden by my religious beliefs. I just don’t like it. Is that so hard to understand?
Comment by Rabbit — February 8, 2006 @ 4:12 am
Oh, honey, bite the bullet/coffee bean and join the ranks of those that live for this roasted goodness!
Mmmm, my desire to sniff those pre-ground coffee beans daily, is the best part of my day…well almost, but still up there with the top 10 things.
So, gulp down the orange juice & head out with a coffee drinker and expose your vigin taste buds to a happening cup o’java! Life begins…..
Smooch,
The Tart
Comment by Jody — February 8, 2006 @ 11:40 am
Hi! I thought Everybody Drinks Coffee! Not really… but, I’ve found a great healthy coffee alternative that’s really delicious! I’ve not had starbucks in over a year! And, I still get to have my Mocha! They have tea and cocoa as well for the non coffee hot beverage drinkers!
Any suggestions on where I can get the word out on that?!
Thanks! Blessings!
Carrie
EverybodyDrinksCoffee.com !
Comment by Carrie — February 21, 2006 @ 2:35 am
I was converted to coffee about 5 years ago by a very persistent friend who insisted I would like coffee if I would only try a coffee frappa-whattas (as you call it) infused with a ton of caramel and topped with whip cream. I loved it and have since become a coffee person (however, I don’t drink the frappas anymore). So, I know where you’re coming from. I am going to simply suggest: Starbucks Passion Tea Lemonade? It has NO coffee or caffiene in it, whatsoever. And it’s not so much of a breakfast drink if someone chooses to argue with you. Claiming you are a tea drinker is an acceptable way out of a “you must drink coffee” conversation.
Comment by Dillygirl — March 1, 2006 @ 10:17 am
I have often wondered about your kind. Kudos to you for coming out from the shadows of shame to proclaim your distaste for coffee!
What’s next? Sushi? Boca Burgers?
Congrats on winning a Perfect Post Award, by the way. This was one great read.
Comment by Lucinda — March 1, 2006 @ 10:58 am
I understand completely. There was a time when I did not drink coffee either. However, being run through the divorce mill many years ago damaged me so severely I now drink coffee. Plain, not with milk or sugar or any of those other flavory things. Just plain. Unadulteratedly plain.
Comment by Angie — March 1, 2006 @ 11:01 am
So really, you don’t like coffee??
Comment by Sarcastic Journalist — March 1, 2006 @ 11:06 am
I have never drank coffee either and I can SO relate to this post! People look at me bizarrely when I order a hot chocolate or tea. Even the people working there seem to question you. I don’t get it. It’s a beverage, people! We’re entitled to not like it if we want! HA! Congrats on the perfect post…glad I stopped by!
Comment by Steph. — March 1, 2006 @ 11:46 am
Enjoyed that very much. Wanna talk about it over coffee? Tee hee. I’m cool with hot chocolate, though, and tea!
STAND UP and BE COUNTED! You’re NOT a second class citizen!!
Congrats on the Perfect Post Award!
Comment by nat — March 1, 2006 @ 12:22 pm
What about tea? You could have a chai latte - then at least you’d feel cool holding the cup.
I can’t really relate. The only time I hated coffee was when I was pregnant and then the smell was what got me so I wasn’t anywhere near a coffeehouse to be shunned for my distaste.
Congrats on your award today
Comment by MommaK — March 1, 2006 @ 12:47 pm
As a non-coffee drinker as well, I say we rise up and show those so-called first-class citizens that it is they who have the problem. In all honesty, I get the weird looks because I drink Diet Coke in the morning. “How can you drink that in the morning!?” is what I hear, when I don’t understand the difference between that and a sugary sweet Frappacino, or whatever the hell is in those fru-fru coffee drinks.
Comment by Boogie's Mom — March 1, 2006 @ 2:04 pm
This is hilarious
I was looking up a teammate, and found your blog again Paul!!! And had to laugh, NOW, it’s been over 2 years since I’ve had regular coffee… I LOVE my Healthy Coffee! If anyone is trying to lighten up… check it out!
Live Abundantly!
Carrie Gebbie, MS
http://www.everybodydrinkscoffee.com
Comment by Carrie Gebbie — September 20, 2006 @ 12:00 am
ya, second class citizen..i think maybe that is a bit of an overstatement. come spend time with some people who are truely considered second class citizens, and your coffee “problem” won’t seem so bad.
Comment by kara — September 24, 2006 @ 3:45 pm
You have to try French Coffee, just delicious
lol
Taste is Taste ! 
Else, I will not blame you cause you don’t drink coffee, Freedom is Freedom
John B.
Comment by JohnB — April 3, 2007 @ 8:51 am
Ok, here’s my little secret to get the converters off my back,
I fill my cup with lotsa flavored cream and just a little bit of coffee and bam! I’m drinking coffee. Leave me alone!
I don’t know how to get the Scientologists off your back except to urge you to get out of LA while there is still time.
This was quite the popular post, wasn’t it?
Comment by jacquie — April 5, 2007 @ 4:14 pm
Oh. my. god.
I am not alone!!! I can’t stand coffee! I don’t like it, I never will, and people need to learn to just DEAL!
ack!
It’s okay, I don’t think you killed Bambi.
Comment by jac — September 12, 2007 @ 8:15 pm
What’s coffee?
Comment by Amononous — September 13, 2007 @ 10:15 pm
What’s worse is to be a German/Swiss person, growing up in a country that can’t exist without coffee, and not liking it.
That makes you really weird. Nobody gets it.
Comment by Ute — September 16, 2007 @ 10:45 am
Do people ever think you are Mormon? I don’t particularly like the taste of coffee either but its actually full of antioxidants and that’s what prevents free radicals from occurring in your body which can lead to cancer. Most Americans get their antioxidants by drinking coffee. But coffee has some competition with juices like Acai berry juice which actually contains higher levels of antioxidants.
Comment by Pesky Vegetarian — September 16, 2007 @ 10:57 am