The Monopoly Piece Obsession

You’ve got a problem.

Every time you sit down to play a game of Monopoly, you demand that you must be the thimble. You can’t be the dog or the car or the cowboy. You can’t be the iron or the shoe or the wheelbarrow. You can’t be the top hat or the cannon or the battleship. Not even the sack of money.

You’ve got to be the thimble or you’re not playing. In fact, if you’re not the thimble, your entire world will collapse and implode.

It’s an obsession that must stop.

Words About Pills

I once crafted a post stating that I could not swallow pills.

I would gag and spit and in the process the pill would scrape across my tongue while dispensing some mediciney flavoring onto my tongue, causing me to gag some more and then spit the pill out and cry out to the heavens sort of like how Tim Robbins did in The Shawshank Redemption (except I wasn’t in the rain NOR did I just break out of prison) that I wished there was an easier way.

Well, the people at OralFlo contacted me this week via e-mail with their own unique solution.

I Am Feeling The Urge To Eat Styrofoam Packing Peanuts

I have to be honest with all of you.

Every time I get a package with something that I’ve ordered off the Internet, it usually comes packed in a huge fluffy blanket of white, stryofoam packing peanuts. They are squishy and soft to the touch, with an almost heaven-like consistency that often makes me think of what Cool Whip might have been if it had been frozen solid, divided up into little pieces and then used for packing items for long-term mailing processes. They are intriguing, mysterious…

…and I am feeling the urge to eat them right this minute.

My Book Is Thicker Than Yours

The galley copies of The Lost Blogs arrived this past week.

For an author, finally getting the chance to hold an actual bound copy of your book after all the editing and revising and what not has got to be one of the most exciting moments next to it getting released in the first place. From the cover to the spine, to being able to flip through it, is a pretty exciting moment.

Except I’m a little more obsessed with the fact that my book is thicker than yours.

Sure, I know you may not necessarily have a book that you’ve written per se — but go ahead, pick up any book nearby and I’m willing to be that my book is thicker than yours.

Three Pretend Cell Phone Conversations I’m Having So I Sound Like I’m More Important Than I Really Am When I Walk Past You On The Street


“Okay, so now that you’re done, let me tell you what I think. First of all, I just have to say this — you’re Robin Williams, okay? You don’t need anyone’s opinion on whether something is funny or not but I am honored you want me to help you weed out the mediocre material for this benefit concert. Yeah, totally — no, we’re tight. It’s cool. So I say keep the whole thing where you talk about getting high and going skiing with Bode Miller. Totally. The part where you’ve turned a tree trunk into a bong is hilarious. I say axe the whole section about shopping for panty hose, we’ve seen that before… Yeah. But definitely keep that whole alien language rap. Hilarious. Yeah, totally…”


“Sixteen point three, divided by the square root of sixty-four… Then take PI, which you know, and use the forum’s postulate in order to calcuate the integer we’re going to need for nuclear cold fusion. Right. No, no no no no — don’t ever carry the one. No, not when you’re dealing with plutonium. Listen to me. No, LISTEN. One false move, one mistake because you’re not paying attention, and half of Los Angeles is gone. Okay. Yes, I’m sorry. I know you’ve got a lot of pressure on you these days. But this isn’t rocket science. Okay, it is rocket science. But with plutonium. So do the math right…”


“Okay, calm down. Take a deep breath. Now, you’ll need something to keep her warm like a sweatshirt or something — do you have one? Well, GET ONE. Quickly. I’ll wait. Okay. Okay, you got it? Good. Now you’ve got to make sure to elevate her head. Take off a shoe and prop her head up – we need to make sure nothing is obstructing her airway. Now, I’m going to tell you when to tell her to breathe. And we’re’ going to take this nice and slow… You’ve got to make sure she’s comfortable and supported. Now, as the contractions get even closer together we’re going to start pushing. Right, I know. Look, you could be in that elevator for hours. I’ll talk you through it — I’ve done this dozens of times before. Oh yeah, that’s right — and in the back of a pickup truck too…”