You are extremely impressed with your out-of-this-world talents.
That must be why, no matter where we are, no matter where we go, no matter the time of day, no matter the mood I’m in, no matter the weather or time…if we find ourselves in a diner, restaurant or outside cafe — your hands immediately go for the salt shaker and a packet of sugar in preparation of what you like to call your “Greatest Show on Earth”.
No, I don’t want to see you balance a salt shaker on sugar and I hope it’s something you’ll soon take to heart.
While most people sit down at a diner and begin asking questions like, “So, how have things been for you?” or “God, I’m so hungry, what are you going to get?” you instead roll up your sleeves, push back your hair and announce to anyone within earshot that “I am about to show you the most amazing physics experiment on the face of the Earth! Are you ready?”
Is an experiment involving a salt shaker and a packet of sugar really the most amazing physics experiment on the face of the Earth?
To you, it is. You explain in depth how sugar, while it looks like a pile of white powder, is actually something that you should look at closer. You point out that if you look really closely you can see that there are tiny little miniscule cubes in the pile of white. That each of these cubes are stable enough to balance an entire glass salt shaker on top of it…if the balancer knows the true path to full balancing-goodness.
And then you force everyone to watch you try to balance the salt shaker on the pile of sugar — continually not being able to balance said salt shaker, which results in a neverending process of you saying “yeah, that’s a bad piece of sugar, let me try this one” and “hold on, maybe if I make a new pile over here we can get this amazing physics experiment on track” — and we all sit there waving off the waitress because we can’t possibly start thinking about mozzarella cheese sticks and potato skins and buffalo chicken wings until [insert booming echoey voice here] the most amazing physics experiment on the face of the Earth actually happens.
About twenty-three minutes later you either give up (while offering up an explanation of the differences between “quality” sugar and “low threshold” sugar) or you will have eventually made the impossible happen.
At that point we may all very well be looking at a salt shaker, balancing at an angle, on a pile of sugar. It is both mind-blowing and idiotic all at the same time.
Yet, it never ends there. For if you were actually able to follow through this time on your groundbreaking physics presentation, you must hold up a finger and look to the crowd (all one of us) and announce that it’s just not done. No, there’s a dramatic piece of flair that must finish off the trick (much like the bursting flashes of light of the Copperfield kind).
Yes, you must blow away the pile of sugar into the clothing, eyes and laps of everyone around the table.
But don’t fret — such an annoyance is worth it, you’ll say. For when all the sugar is blown around the table and onto our laps, we’ll forget about such things when we look to see that the SALT SHAKER IS BALANCING ON A SINGLE HARD-TO-EVEN-SEE CRYSTAL OF SUGAR!!
There’s really not much more to say about you and your salt shaker balancing and your sugar blowing, because by now you probably realize that this isn’t so much a groundbreaking physics experiment but rather a brain-busting, time-wasting, Mr. Wizard’s World trick that has been making the rounds since 1975. And if you, my salt-shaking-balancing friend, have any ill will towards armpit-noise making, pretend-nose breaking, spoon breathing/nose hanging, origami folding, Ouija board playing or “we’re going to lift your body in mid-air with just our fingers” doing — then you must stop your salt shaking balancing as soon as yesterday…because you are no different than the rest of them.
Perhaps you could balance a dog on your nose or do a head stand with two chainsaws balanced on your feet? Perhaps you could cause the Earth to stop, causing physics to do its thing and send everyone careening towards the wall? Perhaps you could eat a hundred pounds of salt while balancing on a ten foot high pile of sugar? Or perhaps you could just walk into a restaurant, not look at the sugar, and order a B.L.T.?
No, I didn’t think so. It was worth a try, at least, don’t you think? I mean, B.L.T.s are the greatest sandwich on the face of the entire Earth!
Which, of course, is another post altogether.