More Unused Words
January 29th, 2006
You wouldn’t believe the ratio of used-posts to unused posts I’ve got.
Often, people ask me about my writing process for WFME. In accomplishing this mind-blowing daily posting, do I write the posts ahead of time or do I write them each and every day? Do I have a backlog that I just schedule to show up or do I spend each and every morning squeezing blood from the proverbial laptop?
To be honest, I have more unused posts sitting in the queue than you could ever imagine.
And so, today, I would like to take the opportunity to share with all of you the current list of posts “in queue” that may someday show up on this site, but more often than not will sit there languishing in the digital graveyard without ever seeing the light of day, unless perhaps, there’s a massive groundswell of enthusiasm, protests and churros.
WFME’s Unused Posts
An Open Letter To You, Supermarket Girl
No, I Will Not Feel That
Don’t Squeeze The Kiwis
I Am Afraid of Long Division
No, I Will Not Taste That
Tomato, Tomahto, Tomatini
Six Of One, Seven of Two
No, I Will Not Smell That
My Problems With You And Your Velcro Shoes
You, Part 3B
No, I Will Not Hold That
If I Was A Tollbooth Taker And You Had Exact Change
Today’s Imaginary Conversation With Pierce Brosnan (Not The Actor)
No, I Will Not Wrap That Up In Packing Tape
The “No I Won’t Do That” Trilogy
Fresh Squeezed Anything & The Warmness Factor
Today’s Prognosis on Prognosises-es-es
I Could Be Your Personal Assistant With A Personal Assistant
WFME’s You Decide: Play-Doh or Bao
No, That Splinter Isn’t Going To Kill You
Interestingly Enough, This Post Is A Reimagining Of That Post
Gambling For Cherries
If I Was “Absentee-Father Time”
In Hindsight, My Book Isn’t Nearly As Thick As I Thought
I Smell Something, How About You?
I Can No Longer Steal Food From My Hotel Mini-Bar
The Post Where I Demand Comments Only In Haiku Form
No, Please, Don’t Kiss the Cook
The Touch, The Feel of Cotton, The Fabric of Our Lives
Lint vs. Lent: The Truth Revealed!
WFME’s Post As Written By A Mute
If I Knew Law, You’d Be Kind-Of Sorry (Maybe)
I Am Afraid of Little Debbie Snackcakes
The Future of Sausage Shrapnel
That’s (Sort-Of Mildly Kind-Of) Incredible!
I Don’t Think “A Ton” Is As Heavy As They Say
Ed Norton Apparently Hates Me Now
A Bird In The Hand Is Technically Unsanitary
If I Was A Cyborg Who Couldn’t Wear Hip Logo T’s
8-6-7-5-3-0-Ten, The Next Generation
I Am Afraid That This Discoloration on the Carpet Really Isn’t There
If Only That Hands-Free Cell Phone Ear Piece Actually Meant I Was A Shuttle Commander
There isn’t one post up there that I wouldn’t love to read. Well, except maybe the first twenty one and the last twenty one.
Comment by nic — January 29, 2006 @ 10:47 am
So wait. Your book isn’t nearly as thick as you thought? I feel like I’ve been living a lie. . .
Comment by Meghan — January 29, 2006 @ 10:49 am
Nic - I knew I could count on you to support me in this matter.
Meghan - Due to the fact that the title you’re referencing in your comment has NOT BEEN USED, it’s not real. You know? So, um, the book is still pretty thick.
Comment by Pauly D — January 29, 2006 @ 10:54 am
You are so prolific, are you sure you aren’t more than one person? Or perhaps a cyborg.
Comment by susan — January 29, 2006 @ 11:13 am
1. Little Debbie Snack Cakes are awesome, you have nothing to fear. Her strawberry rolls are a little slice of processed heaven.
2. There are actually people out there named Pierce Brosnan who aren’t the actor? I mean, I know people named Gaylord Focker who aren’t a fictional character, but Pierce Brosnan is an odd name to give someone who isn’t an actor or English royalty.
Comment by Keith — January 29, 2006 @ 11:23 am
“I Can No Longer Steal Food From My Hotel Mini-Bar
The Post Where I Demand Comments Only In Haiku Form”
Please, oh please post these.
Comment by Glen — January 29, 2006 @ 11:24 am
Have you considered that maybe you’re just a title whore? The posts are just an excuse for their clever names. Huh?
Comment by Lena — January 29, 2006 @ 12:30 pm
Personally, I really liked “I Could Be Your Personal Assistant With A Personal Assistant”. I mean, there were other ones that I also would like to see posted, but for some reason, that one just stuck with me.
Comment by Amber — January 29, 2006 @ 12:33 pm
Wow, thats quite a hopper you got going there. A big hopper.
You’re the Leonardo da Vinci of blogging. You know if you only slept twenty minutes every three hours. That would work out to two and a half extra days, that you’re awake per week, every week. Which means, if you live to be eighty, you will have lived the equivalent of a hundred and five years.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — January 29, 2006 @ 12:39 pm
I really want the truth revealed about Lint vs. Lent…it IS just around the corner.
Comment by Jaclyn — January 29, 2006 @ 12:41 pm
Forty-two titles;
I’d offer churros for most.
My top choice is clear.
Comment by annabel lee — January 29, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
So Paul… you’ve got an enormous backlog of unused posts?
Are you going to be like Tupac and continue releasing posts long after you’re dead?
Comment by The Centaur — January 29, 2006 @ 1:22 pm
Centaur - In actuality, I probably will die but no one will know for at least a month or so… The posts will continue to show up, my assistants will continue to respond to comments, and I will be stuck under the fridge that fell on me, rotting and smelling up the place.
What a glorious tale that will end up to be.
Comment by Pauly D — January 29, 2006 @ 1:28 pm
Oh, thank god!
Comment by Meghan — January 29, 2006 @ 1:38 pm
it’s like you’re just USING all those words for YOUR enjoyment.
Comment by dgm — January 29, 2006 @ 2:16 pm
Oh. My. God.
I also have an unused (and unfinished) open letter to a woman in the supermarket AND a post about velcro shoes. Now I’ll have to post mine before you post yours or everyone will think that I’m so jealous of your articulate godliness that I copied you.
Damn you!
By the way, “A Bird in the Hand Is Technically Unsanitary” doesn’t need a whole post. It’s hilarious just as a statement.
Comment by Rabbit — January 29, 2006 @ 3:01 pm
Assistants? But Pauly D, you told us recently “if I were to die and the authorities found my body, the technically-minded police would be my only hope in getting the word out to my faithful readers that, yes, I had died.”
Was it all a lie? Or maybe you are ALREADY gone and we just don’t know it! The police couldn’t figure out how to tell anyone and your assistants are maintaining your blog oblivious to your absence because the automatic posts are still appearing.
Say it isn’t so!
(And if it is, I hope “Tomato, Tomahto, Tomatini” comes up in the queue before the assistants wander off. I’d like to know what that’s about.)
Comment by jg — January 29, 2006 @ 6:19 pm
I’m squeezing a kiwi right now…how does that make you feel?
Comment by sandra — January 29, 2006 @ 9:28 pm
You should hold some sort of contest, where readers pick one of those topics and actually write their own post.
Comment by Bob Sassone — January 29, 2006 @ 9:42 pm
What exactly won’t you feel? An emotion or a physical object? That one scares me.
Comment by Kevin — January 30, 2006 @ 7:40 am
I think somebody’s been dipping in my “to do” list.
Comment by Janet — January 30, 2006 @ 4:41 pm
I’m impressed that you have actual titles for your unused posts. All my unused posts are titled “jkfjakdjdik” or some combination of those particular letters, which is short for “Another Post Banished to Queue Forever”.
Comment by groovebunny — January 30, 2006 @ 9:20 pm
this whole phenomenon of blogs is really incredible. all of those unused words, all of that writing, that energy. . . amounting to invisible words hurled into cyberspace (whether they are posted or not, they are still not published in the traditional sense).
i bet the “Media & Society” majors are having a dissertation field day with all of this crap.
Comment by cecilia — February 2, 2006 @ 2:27 am
I Am Afraid of Little Debbie Snackcakes
The Future of Sausage Shrapnel
Lint vs. Lent: The Truth Revealed!
These would be fascinating posts, I’m sure.
How about a couple more? “Suck It Out, Pump It In.” I’d love for you to expound on the whole lipo fat out of your behind and pump it into your lips or the collagen-lip-injection-trout-pout topic. OR, the ad agency who is going to put tiny TVs on store shelves with sensors that know when you’re standing there so they can show you a commercial to help you chose their product. Whatever they showed, I’d buy the opposite in “No I Will Not Buy Your Product Because You Think I’m Stupid.”
That’s all.
Comment by Rachel — February 3, 2006 @ 2:21 pm