Words About Pills
January 25th, 2006
I once crafted a post stating that I could not swallow pills.
I would gag and spit and in the process the pill would scrape across my tongue while dispensing some mediciney flavoring onto my tongue, causing me to gag some more and then spit the pill out and cry out to the heavens sort of like how Tim Robbins did in The Shawshank Redemption (except I wasn’t in the rain NOR did I just break out of prison) that I wished there was an easier way.
Well, the people at OralFlo contacted me this week via e-mail with their own unique solution.
Surprisingly, I often get e-mails from companies who read my posts and offer me up free products that they think will help my own high-maintenance issues. There was the time I wrote about how my head was huge and was contacted by a company offering up free hats that could fit my skull. There was the time I wrote about how I refused to give anyone a half a piece of gum and was contacted by this company who wanted to send me a free carton of their gum so I’d never have to share a piece ever again.
And now, on the heels of my not being able to swallow pills, I received this e-mail:
“I am writing to you from Oralflo Technologies. I found your blog entry entitled “I Can’t Swallow Pills” on the Internet and found it very interesting. Our company, Oralflo Technologies, has designed a “Pill Swallowing Cup” specifically for those who have difficulty swallowing pills. The cup is patented, registered & trademarked with the FDA as a Class I Medical device; it was designed by our Medical Products Design engineer, a former engineer for Johnson & Johnson. The cup has been helpful to many age groups and various medical conditions, including: children, seniors, autistic patients, Parkinson’s, muscular dystrophy and for general pill swallowing difficulties. We would like to send you our cup, free of charge, in exchange for your feedback regarding the cup. We’d like to see if it would help your situation.
If it does, we would like to use a testimonial from you on our website, www.oralflo.com, and perhaps you would be willing to also post the information on your blog. Please contact me to let me know whether or not you are interested in receiving the cup. I will need your mailing address in order to send the cup to you. I can be reached by email or by telephone. Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.”
I responsed to them:
“Thanks for the note. Fortunately for me — I have figured out a surefire way to swallow pills between the time that I wrote the entry and present day. You may be interested in knowing what it is, in that it may help you develop further products.
I often start with the pill itself. I take the pill and I wrap it in bacon of some kind. Usually that means cooking the bacon first so it’s not raw. Then, I take the cooked bacon, wrap it around the pill, then slather the pill wrapped in bacon in peanut butter. Whether or not you know it, peanut butter pretty much negates any other flavor of the food you mix it with (unlike Tofu which takes on the flavor of food you mix it with). Then, I take the peanut butter slathered pill wrapped in cooked bacon and I fold it inside a ball of Wonder Bread. If you’ve ever tried, you can compact one whole piece of Wonder Bread into a small ball. I take that ball, cover it in sugar and cinnamon and then eat it down quickly and chase it with a bottle of milk. I never taste the pill and it goes down no problem. What do you think?”
Then, they responded:
“I didn’t realize you were a comedian also. Are you really not interested in the cup?”
No, I wasn’t interested in the cup.
I’m sure the Oralflo cup is an amazing piece of technology. I mean, it looks like a lot of time and effort went into making it. And it’s from some guy who used to work at Johnson & Johnson — that’s huge! But if I have to buy a cup that’s been created just to help me swallow a pill, then it won’t stop there. Then I’m suddenly going to be “that guy” with the oversized hats (for my huge head), the EZ chair that lifts me up so I don’t have to get up myself, and those portable scooter things for people who don’t like to walk because it takes up too much energy. Throw in those electrical ab stimulators and I’m ready to put up a profile on Match.com.
So, yeah. You know what I mean.
BACON!!!
Oh wait, I’m a vegetarian.
Is it too late for ME to get a cup?
Comment by Dave2 — January 25, 2006 @ 8:49 am
Dave - Nope. I’m sure if you contact them via their website, you may very well score yourself your very own pill-swallowing cup. I mean you ARE a blogger. As long as you blog about it, I’m sure you’ll be golden.
Comment by Pauly D — January 25, 2006 @ 8:51 am
or you could just ask someone to blow really hard into your face. this little trick worked without fail when our kids were babies and we needed for them to swallow medicine.
best of all, it doesn’t require you to consume your entire calorie intake for the day just to swallow a pill.
Comment by dgm — January 25, 2006 @ 9:10 am
uh, i never get those emails. just spam comments from phentermine. i guess i’m fat.
Comment by kristine — January 25, 2006 @ 9:24 am
Big-headed people unite! I’m a whopping 7 3/4 to 7 7/8 depending on the hatmaker. I hate it. I can never just buy a hat. I must try it on first. No buying off the Web. Noooooo!
Bigmelongear.com, eh?
Comment by Kevin — January 25, 2006 @ 9:30 am
Have you ever asked a friend to rub your throat after you have the pill in your mouth? It works for cats and dogs…should be good enough for humans!
(and you shouldn’t be offended by my offering you a remedy for pets, since your packing peanut post makes it sound like you’ve considered eating cat food…)
Comment by Flower Girl — January 25, 2006 @ 9:52 am
Pauly, here’s what you do. Either you have someone condition you into thinking that the pill you have to take is NOT in fact a horrible medicine-y pill, but instead, a treat, OR have someone stuff the pill in your mouth and then hold your mouth closed until you have no choice but to swallow. Then after you swallow, you get a half of a hot dog. Both of those techniques work FANTASTICALLY for the black lab I housesit for. You know, since we’re throwing out ideas and all.
Comment by Amber — January 25, 2006 @ 10:11 am
OMG Pauly, that is so funny. I sent away for a similar pill-swallowing cup by an allergy medicine company. Didn’t work. You’ve got to get the pill pulverizer. Put in the pill, twist down the cap, it crushes the pill to a fine powder. Then, take in applesauce. No cooking needed. Or, you could have someone grab you by the back of the neck until your mouth opens, shove the pill in the back of your throat and then hold your head up and mouth closed until you swallow the pill.
Comment by Rachel — January 25, 2006 @ 10:16 am
i have to shove the pill into the back of my throat. i look like an idiot when i do it so i try to hide in the bathroom for all pill taking.
Comment by ms. sizzle — January 25, 2006 @ 10:28 am
I don’t like pills…either.
Comment by Kathleen — January 25, 2006 @ 10:29 am
Oralflo is just a such a bad name for this product. It sounds like some sinus medicine.
Comment by Neil — January 25, 2006 @ 11:10 am
why don’t you put it inside one of your styrofoam peanuts, dip it in chocolate and enjoy!
Comment by better safe than sorry — January 25, 2006 @ 11:23 am
I just swallowed 35 pills and none of them were wrapped in bacon.
Comment by monkeyinabox — January 25, 2006 @ 11:27 am
Do the people at OralFlo know that the sippy cup has already been invented?
Comment by Hope — January 25, 2006 @ 11:30 am
Hope - That’s hilarious. I thought it looked familiar to me.
Comment by Pauly D — January 25, 2006 @ 11:32 am
Yum! Bacon, peanut butter, wonder bread, and sugar. I don’t think you could have created a better pill swallowing “cure” than that Pauly.
LOL and really when they responded, “I didn’t know you were a comedian as well..” That my friend is kind of funny, I mean did they think your blog was a serious political blog?! Or maybe that was a “zinger”, to put you into your cup hating place?!
Comment by Virenda — January 25, 2006 @ 11:38 am
I bet if you focused on the benefit of the pill you were taking, you could easily get over the difficulty of swallowing it. (Maybe you just aren’t taking the right kind of pills).
Comment by susan — January 25, 2006 @ 12:33 pm
Speaking as another pill-gagger, I don’t understand how a special CUP is supposed to make my enormous gag reflex lie down and die. Is it like, a gigantic funnel that I’m supposed to point at the back of my throat that I can shoot pills down?
Oh, wait. That would make me gag too.
Comment by Jennifer — January 25, 2006 @ 1:06 pm
I’m going to have to concur with Virenda — even though I thought of the same comment separately and was saddened that it had already posted by someone else — that the part that really struck me as comedy gold was the “I didn’t realize you were a comedian also.” line. I guess he really meant it when he said he found your blog entry “interesting.” And by “interesting” he meant, “not funny.”
Comment by C Ro — January 25, 2006 @ 1:30 pm
Jennifer - That’s what’s so amusing to me. It’s a CUP. You put the pill in the top part and then the liquid shoots it all into your mouth. They should call it the Oroflow & Gag. At least then, it would be accurate.
C Ro - I resemble that comment.
Comment by Pauly D — January 25, 2006 @ 5:08 pm
when i was a kid, my grandma would crush pills up along with peppermints and put them on top of ice cream whenever i needed to take them. So now, when i get sick, i crave ice cream…
Comment by jimi — January 25, 2006 @ 5:28 pm
Paul, this cup might actually be something I’ll buy for my mom and bring back to Sweden the next time I visit her. She has to take a sh*tload of pills every day due to having had several operations for brain tumors over the years, and she gags every time.
This cup makes sense to me, because you don’t have to put the pill in your mouth before you drink the liquid. You basically drink the pill with the water/juice and are thus “fooled” into not even noticing the pill. It might work!
Wow. I should work for these people…
(I personally have no problem with pills. I can dump five of those giant vitamin suckers in my mouth and swallow them with almost no liquid without gagging. Everyone needs a talent, I guess…)
Comment by the swede — January 25, 2006 @ 10:41 pm
Wait. You’re a comedian?
Comment by Pierce — January 26, 2006 @ 1:41 am
Wow..now I know two of you that need peanut butter and bacon to take a pill. You and my baby Shih Tzu Mocha. Sorry, though…I don’t think you’d fit on my lap. Otherwise,…I’m a great pill giver. YOu wouldn’t even know it was coming the way I can sweet talk.
That stupid oralflo has nothing on these hands..lol.
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — January 26, 2006 @ 7:18 am
man, i have gotta start writing about how wonderful things i want are and then figure out how to get that company to read my blog.
suggestions?
Comment by anonymous city girl — January 26, 2006 @ 12:00 pm
Don’t be such a macho. Get the friggin cup. If that which does not kill us makes us stronger, the cup will make you stronger.
Comment by MT — January 26, 2006 @ 6:20 pm