Three Pretend Cell Phone Conversations I’m Having So I Sound Like I’m More Important Than I Really Am When I Walk Past You On The Street
January 23rd, 2006
#1:
“Okay, so now that you’re done, let me tell you what I think. First of all, I just have to say this — you’re Robin Williams, okay? You don’t need anyone’s opinion on whether something is funny or not but I am honored you want me to help you weed out the mediocre material for this benefit concert. Yeah, totally — no, we’re tight. It’s cool. So I say keep the whole thing where you talk about getting high and going skiing with Bode Miller. Totally. The part where you’ve turned a tree trunk into a bong is hilarious. I say axe the whole section about shopping for panty hose, we’ve seen that before… Yeah. But definitely keep that whole alien language rap. Hilarious. Yeah, totally…”
#2:
“Sixteen point three, divided by the square root of sixty-four… Then take PI, which you know, and use the forum’s postulate in order to calcuate the integer we’re going to need for nuclear cold fusion. Right. No, no no no no — don’t ever carry the one. No, not when you’re dealing with plutonium. Listen to me. No, LISTEN. One false move, one mistake because you’re not paying attention, and half of Los Angeles is gone. Okay. Yes, I’m sorry. I know you’ve got a lot of pressure on you these days. But this isn’t rocket science. Okay, it is rocket science. But with plutonium. So do the math right…”
#3:
“Okay, calm down. Take a deep breath. Now, you’ll need something to keep her warm like a sweatshirt or something — do you have one? Well, GET ONE. Quickly. I’ll wait. Okay. Okay, you got it? Good. Now you’ve got to make sure to elevate her head. Take off a shoe and prop her head up - we need to make sure nothing is obstructing her airway. Now, I’m going to tell you when to tell her to breathe. And we’re’ going to take this nice and slow… You’ve got to make sure she’s comfortable and supported. Now, as the contractions get even closer together we’re going to start pushing. Right, I know. Look, you could be in that elevator for hours. I’ll talk you through it — I’ve done this dozens of times before. Oh yeah, that’s right — and in the back of a pickup truck too…”
These are excellent!
One of my closest friends is gay…so when we talk on the phone and I say anything about people she knows, like “and then Rachel’s girlfriend said…” I get strange looks from the nosey listening-in-oners around me. (It’s real conservative around here…)
Comment by Flower Girl — January 23, 2006 @ 6:31 am
The cell phone conversation I use to impress:
“Hi Pauly, yes your most recent blog was very funny. No problem, I am happy to give you my opinion anytime.”
Comment by susan — January 23, 2006 @ 7:04 am
“Take off a shoe and prop her head up . . .” Hilarious.
Comment by Dan — January 23, 2006 @ 7:47 am
Dude–I met a real rocket scientist yesterday.
Comment by Hilary — January 23, 2006 @ 8:15 am
I actually AM a rocket scientist and your theory is the missing piece to the puzzle of all humanity, thanks dude.
Comment by meme — January 23, 2006 @ 8:29 am
You probably know which of these is my favorite…
Comment by annabel lee — January 23, 2006 @ 8:31 am
Meme - Just make sure you put my name in the acknowledgements when you publish your world-changing theories in journal form.
Comment by Pauly D — January 23, 2006 @ 8:37 am
now those are very intensely important fake conversations. i for one am impressed…
Comment by Sarcomical — January 23, 2006 @ 9:00 am
Are these “Sound Important Cell Conversation People” the same “line stander asker people”???
Comment by H.F. Peterman — January 23, 2006 @ 10:02 am
Longest post title ever?
Comment by Glen — January 23, 2006 @ 2:17 pm
Here’s a move I’ve used a few times lately…
I’ll be unabashedly singing along with a monster ballad in my car and detect that the driver in the car next to me noticed my theatrics.
To save face, I simply grab my cell and put forth the charade I’m carrying on a very animated conversation over the speakerphone.
Then I check back over… and give him the look, “What? You thought I was singing in my car? No… I’m just having a conversation, see? Here’s my cell phone!”
Works every time.
Comment by The Centaur — January 23, 2006 @ 4:05 pm
The Centaur, that’s just awful. First, why are you singing along so excitedly. Second, if you get caught, face it, you’re caught. If you’re unabashedly singing, then you do not look like you’re have a conversation. C’mon man. Step your game up.
Comment by Glen — January 23, 2006 @ 4:57 pm
“So, what…is it contagious? Cuz I don’t wanna give it to my girlfriend. And, they seem to be oozing a bit now; can I use band-aids on them? What about the hair loss?”
Comment by Jennifer Lankenau — January 23, 2006 @ 5:03 pm
“Brad, Angelina’s pregnant — I just can’t let you do that to her! No! Seriously, leave me alone or I’m getting a restraining order. I know…I know…but I didn’t mean to make you fall in love with me — I’ve always just thought of you as a friend. Think of Zahara and Maddox, please!”
Comment by sandra — January 23, 2006 @ 5:07 pm
See, if I wanted to give everyone the impression that I’m far more important than I truly am, I’d simply say, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this right now. Call my assistant and make an appointment.”
(By the way, ridiculously long post titles are perfectly ok. All the cool kids are doing it. No? Just me?)
Comment by Rabbit — January 23, 2006 @ 5:15 pm
Rabbit, it’s like high school all over again!
Comment by Glen — January 23, 2006 @ 7:34 pm
my son has his math exam on wednesday and needs help, maybe he should give you a call?
Comment by better safe than sorry — January 23, 2006 @ 7:50 pm
BSTS - Totally. I’ll hook him up.
Comment by Pauly D — January 23, 2006 @ 8:30 pm
ok it IS rocket science.
that bit kills me.
Comment by ms. sizzle — January 23, 2006 @ 9:51 pm
Okay, Paul, I think that our psychic connection has reached the level of “kinda creepy.” I actually had a fake phone conversation today! It wasn’t nearly as elaborate or as hilarious as the three above, but it actually fooled someone in the presence of the fake phone conversation. I was pretending to be really angry with the person on the other line, and after I hung up he (being a friend of mine) was all like, “Oh my God! What WAS that?” So classic.
Comment by Will — January 23, 2006 @ 10:03 pm
oh man, the second conversation had me cracking UP. hilarious, dude. (serious. i’m not being snarky.)
Comment by kristine — January 24, 2006 @ 7:25 am
just tell me you don’t wear one of those stupid looking ear pieces when you walk around.
guys around here are wearing them all the time.. even at bars while trying to pick up women.
i’m a pretty low maintenace i’ll-talk-to-you-as-long-as-you’re-not-scary-in-a-bad-way kind of girl, but i will not talk to guys who have a phone attached to their ear.
Comment by anonymous city girl — January 24, 2006 @ 8:06 am
That’s pretty cool!
Comment by Tige — January 24, 2006 @ 3:17 pm
In reference to pretend conversation #2…if you don’t carry the one…what do you do with it???
Comment by groovebunny — January 24, 2006 @ 10:47 pm