Today’s Prognosis on Line-Stander Asker-Holders
January 22nd, 2006
Whether or not you admit it, we’re all line standers.
At more than one point in our lives we have been faced with having to stand in a line where there are people in front of us, people behind us and we wait wait wait wait wait. And more often than not we are also faced with a genus of line standers who distrust society so much that they cannot leave the queue without having someone sign (in triplicate) a semi-legal document that confirms that you will hold their place for them.
I call them line stander asker-holders.
As I’d been recently cleaning house as of late, I found myself selling an inordinate amount of pre-pubescent games and toys on eBay, which resulted in having to brave the local Post Office and their almost inhumanly long lines. But not to wallow in the depressing nature of standing in a line, I chose instead to have some fun with those standing in front of, and behind me.
Especially when I was faced with a line stander asker-holder:
L.S.A-H: “Excuse me?”
Me: “Yes?”
L.S.A-H: “Can you save my place in line? I have to get something out of my car.”
Me: “Of course.”
L.S.A-H: “Thanks so much. I’ll be right back.”
Two minutes go by. I now decide to hit the line stander asker-holder at the core of their fear depository as she tries to move to stand in front of me in line once again.
Me: “Excuse me, the end of the line is over there.”
L.S.A-H: “No, I asked you to save my place in line.”
Me: “When did you ask me that? I’ve never seen you before in my entire life.”
A look of panic washes over the line stander asker-holder’s face.
L.S.A-H: “Noooooooo. I was standing right here in front of you and asked you to save my spot while I went to the car to get my checkbook. You said you would. C’mon, now.”
I turn to the man behind me:
Me: “She’s talking crazy. I don’t know who this woman is.”
I turn to her:
Me: “We’ve been waiting for awhile in line, lady. You can’t cut in line.”
Her fear turns to defiance:
L.S.A-H: “I’m standing here. And I’m not moving. I was here before you. You told me you’d save my place. I don’t care what you say.”
And then she turns around, ignoring me. I lean past her to the elderly woman in front of her in line and whisper:
Me: “I think you should know that this woman just cut in line.”
The line stander asker-holder turns and gives me the kind of look where lasers could have potentially shot out of her eyes and killed me right there on the spot — except she doesn’t have eye-shooting capable laser-eyes. I decide to let her off the hook.
Me: “I was only fooling around. I know who you are.”
A look of relief washes over her face.
Me: “Well, I mean, I don’t technically KNOW know who you are, but you do look familiar to me but not because we’ve ever hung out or anything, but just because we’ve been standing in line together, so…yeah. Just kidding.”
She didn’t speak to me for the rest of our time in line.
But really — is there any reason to even ask the people in front of you or behind you to save your place in line? If you were to go away and come back 3 minutes later do you really think people in society would tell you that you couldn’t get back in line with them? People in this country hate conflict — the last thing anyone is going to do is tell you that you can’t step back in line with them.
In fact, I am willing to bet money that if you were to walk into a Post Office one day and simply cut in line without saying anything — no one would say a thing to you. And if they did and you told them that you had been there earlier, they may talk about it behind your back but they’d never push the subject.
So, line stander asker holders, don’t worry about confirming my allegiance to helping you re-introduce yourself to the line after you shake one out, or retrieve your knitting needles from the car. Don’t worry about getting me on your side before you get a pen or snake some change. Don’t feel that it’s necessary to pull me into your circle of influence before you go all M.I.A. on the line in question. As a line stander asker-holder you should know that no one will challenge your line standing.
Because in this country, no one has the stones to do it.
As opposed to the British, who have made standing in lines an art-form known as “queuing”. I take holidays in the UK just so I can experience the pleasure of standing in line with people who are really good at it.
Comment by Dave2 — January 22, 2006 @ 9:24 am
I just like saying, in a British accent: There’s a queue for the loo.
Comment by Pauly D — January 22, 2006 @ 9:25 am
Hey… where is everybody?
Standing in line somewhere, no doubt…
Comment by Dave2 — January 22, 2006 @ 11:12 am
I agree completey, however, I am the person that will tell the line cutter to get the fuck back. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t, but I don’t let people get away with thinking only of themselves. Too many selfish people in this world. I’m not all about being nice, but I am all about being considerate.
Comment by melanie — January 22, 2006 @ 11:19 am
Dave - You totally leave a comment, then sit here in the comments section just waiting to see who gets in line behind your own comment, don’t you? You are such a comment leaver waiter.
Comment by Pauly D — January 22, 2006 @ 11:23 am
I wish. That would imply that I have something worthwhile to do with my life.
Instead, I just subscribe to your comments feed and occasionally get interrupted with a beep from my feedreader.
Not nearly as glamourous as a comment leaver waiter, but it’s better than nothing I suppose.
Comment by Dave2 — January 22, 2006 @ 11:52 am
No challenge? No stones? I don’t know about the rest of the country, but if you cut line here (NYC) you’ll find yourself QUICKLY dispatched to the back of the line. No one would hesitate to tell you where to go.
Unless, of course, you are a rather large, angry, bitter-looking woman of a particular descent, in which case no one would be insane enough to risk the crazed torrent of profanity and finger-waving that would be unleashed by telling you to behave yourself and not cut line.
Comment by jg — January 22, 2006 @ 11:52 am
oh, I’m behind Pauly D. heh.
I’m gonna talk about politics loudly like I’m so smart about the world, when really I sound like a dum-dum.
and then I’m gonna complain about having to stand in line for more than 3 minutes because I have lost my patience virtue in today’s me me me world.
Comment by Kathleen — January 22, 2006 @ 11:52 am
DANG IT. I was too busy talking (typing) my comment that I lost my place behind Pauly D!
Comment by Kathleen — January 22, 2006 @ 11:53 am
L.S.A.H’s are in the norm here, I think it’s more prevalent in the suburbs. :0) “Cause I know when I lived in Vegas, if someone cut in the line that persons gonna get hurt. You do NOT mess with the senior citizens, they are crazed and have heavy oxygen tanks, you just slowly back away and say a prayer of thanks that your still alive.
I think it’s only So. Cal that people are afraid of confrontation, I mean thats why if you don’t get a part they just tell you, “well call you…”, the suburbs are just as bad, essentially that is why people move to the “burbs to get away from confrontation and I think they have secret dreams of strip malls and track homes.
Comment by Virenda — January 22, 2006 @ 3:37 pm
I don’t have a problem with the LSAHs of the world. It IS irritating, however, if you are waiting in a line where there is a limited number of whatevers and someone comes along recognizes a friend in line and the friend lets them in! The “friend” should really give up their place and go to the back because they are essentially making everyone behind them move back. That happened to me sleeping outside for Prince Purple Rain tickets. Oh rats, I just dated myself. Uh, I was a tiny infant at the time of course!
Comment by susan — January 22, 2006 @ 4:18 pm
I strolled up to what I thought was the end of the line recently and was nearly gutted by a large woman who had three teeth and an unusually large number of what I hope were coffee stains down the front of her sweatshirt. I’m saying she had the stones.
Comment by Sher — January 22, 2006 @ 4:30 pm
I always feel like cattle waiting in line. Not because I’m particularly fat, and I don’t think I look much like a cow, but it’s just something about being herded about, shuffling along and standing there. I’ve occasionally “moo’d” in line before, but only quietly…the sound in my head is much louder.
Comment by Ben — January 22, 2006 @ 5:46 pm
depending on my mood and how long the line is, i say something. if i’m feeling bitchy, i’ll say something and get the others in line riled up, even if it’s really short. it’s a gift.
Comment by Enigma — January 22, 2006 @ 5:55 pm
Engima - That IS a gift. God, you should use your rilish-powers to get something really done like, oh I don’t know, jelly doughnuts with peanut butter inside.
That would rawk.
Comment by Pauly D — January 22, 2006 @ 5:57 pm
Jelly doughnuts with peanut butter inside!?! Awesome! I would wait in line for days to experience that kind of goodness.
Comment by Jaclyn — January 22, 2006 @ 7:16 pm
I don’t think I could ask someone to hold my place in line. I’d make myself wait in line all over again, just to teach my dumb-ass a lesson about not leaving things I needed to complete a transaction in the car.
Did you just spell rock, r-a-w-k?
Comment by Flower Girl — January 23, 2006 @ 6:26 am
I am a rule-follower. Sometimes to a fault. And I strongly dislike (because I’m not supposed to hate) inconsiderate people. So I always say something when someone cuts in line. Usually loudly enough to embarrass them a little. Passive-aggressive? You bet!
Comment by Nicole — January 23, 2006 @ 9:45 am
You’ve never cut in front of me, I can tell. The sarcastic bitch factor is ratcheted up to 11, and phrases like “Looks like someone doesn’t know their ass from an end of the line” can be heard, along with accompanying irritated sighs and curses and evil stares until I’ve sufficiently made the cutter uncomfortable enough to get the hint and hit the end of the line.
It’s like those drivers who drive on the side of the road because they’re “too important” to wait like the rest of us in traffic…fu*&ers! Not that I have any strong opinions on this sort of stuff or anything…
Comment by Kristi — January 23, 2006 @ 2:23 pm
Kristi - I feel exactly the same way about the inconsiderate drivers who cut! They clearly don’t understand the rule of one and one when merging. I drive an SUV now, so I just edge over so there isn’t room for them to go around. Like I said, passive-aggressive !
Comment by Nicole — January 23, 2006 @ 2:41 pm
You don’t think people have the stones to say something? Go cut someone in line at the DMV.
Comment by Rabbit — January 24, 2006 @ 7:16 am
Good evening Paul,
I know its been almost twelve months since this was posted but I wish to add that being from Australia, despite being from a nation that is seemingly laid back, I think I would a major ass kicking if I cut in a line, even If I wasn’t in the line earlieri that day people don’t care, if you are in the line your in the line, no cutting in, you go from the back to the front.
Shame we can’t get away with it though once in a while
Always enjoy reading your blogs Paul,
initally found you while looking up the saying ‘how now brown cow’
Hope you had a great new year,
Anna
Comment by Anna — January 7, 2007 @ 5:22 am
lol, i’m sure people love asking me to hold their place because whenever i’m asked that i go through this epic battle in my mind over whether or not i should…so the person usually just ends up turning around and not looking at me anymore because i will not have spoken for a long time.
Comment by Kirsten — December 17, 2007 @ 3:05 pm
You don’t think people have the stones to say something? Go cut someone in line at the DMV.
Comment by askeri malzeme — May 31, 2008 @ 7:08 am