Words For Your Enjoyment: Un-Commented Comments
January 20th, 2006
Friday, January 20th — a day that will live in infamy.
Sadly, not all days get to live in infamy and I would be willing to bet that all the days that don’t get to be infamous are all sort of peeved that the others got to be infamous while they’re living in obscurity. To them I say, if you want to live in infamy, you go ahead and live in infamy — I won’t stop you.
But more infamous than all the days wanting to live in infamy is today’s edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” which could very well be infamous all on its own.
Favorite, long-term, obsessive-compulsive “I’ll kick your ass in the comments section” pal Kristine writes: “I think you should write an open letter to those people whose comments you do not directly respond to when you comment back to people en masse.”
Kristine brings attention to an aspect of running a blog that all of us must sometimes deal with. What do you say to the people who take the time to leave glorious comments, but you just don’t have anything to say to them. Is there a reason for that? What goes through one’s head? And so, without further adieu, I give you my:
Open Letter to Those People Whose Comments I Do Not Directly Respond To When I Comment Back To People En Masse:
Hi.
I see you commented. In fact I love that you commented. Seriously, I do. No, stop it — don’t be so self-conscious. It was a wonderful comment. The grammar and the turn of the phrase that you so skillfully use. Your gravatar. Just beautiful. Did I mention I love that you commented? Cause really, I love it. Lurve. By the way, I always hate it when people use ‘lurve’ instead of ‘love’ because ‘lurve’ sounds like a worm. Maybe that’s because it sounds like larvae. I don’t know, but the point here isn’t about worms it’s about you you you you you.
Sometimes, and I’m just being honest here, but bloggers don’t always know what to say. Sometimes, bloggers come off as people who always know what to say but sometimes they don’t. And so, for fear of looking silly or stupid or just plain idiotic they don’t respond to some comments because they don’t want to look like they’re trying too hard. Bloggers who write comments back to other bloggers who leave comments sometimes have self-confidence issues and, well, they just don’t want to look like a dolt. I like the word ‘dolt’ because it rhymes with ‘colt’ which is a horse that I have always wanted to ride but haven’t been able to because I don’t ride horses since the “I Can’t Balance On This Colt Horse Riding Incident of ‘98.” I don’t know, but the point in this paragraph of this open letter to the people whose comments I don’t directly respond to when I comment back to people en masse, is that sometimes bloggers responding to other bloggers’ comments don’t know what to say.
Time. Time is always of the essence. I don’t always have the time. And I’ve worked out a very specific process that allows me to comment in the shortest amount of time that I will disclose here and now. It may hurt someone’s feelings but that’s not what I’ve set out to do. Here it comes, are you ready? Totally ready? I mostly respond to comments that are funny but not hysterical. Yes, it’s true. Because if you leave a comment that’s hysterical — you don’t need any more attention. You’re already so hilarious that everyone will see it. You already love yourself and your sense of humor so much that my little response will do nothing for you. But alas, if you are just funny (but not hysterical), I will respond to your comment because then we are all working together to ascend to hilarity. Ascending to hilarity is my goal for everyone. I don’t know, but the point here is that we all have differing degrees of funny but I don’t worry too much about the hilarious commenters — because they’re already on their way to ultra-amazing commenting success in a world where unfunny comments clog up the blogosphere like an old rotten orange does in a garbage disposal.
Know this, commenter reading this open letter to commenters — if you directly address the fact that my head is huge, my face is not symmetrical, my hands are uneven or that I have an unhealthy obsession with cataloging my DVD collection, I will probably respond to you in the comments section. Know that if you use my name “Pauly D” in the comment section in a sentence that isn’t a sentence, like “Oh, Pauly D” or “Booyah, Pauly D” that I will not respond as often since you’re using my nickname as a popular societal saying instead of an actual communicative sentence. Know that if you leave more than one comment or leave numerous comments because you love to see yourself leaving comments, I will probably only respond to the one comment that involves the subject of cheese, your funny life anecdote or the one comment that was the first one you left.
Are open letters supposed to be this long? Aren’t open letters never closed, therefore, they can be as long as the writer wants them to be?
Hell, I don’t know but I will tell you this dear commenter who left a comment that wasn’t commented on by yours truly — it’s not that I don’t like you and it’s not that I don’t care. I do like you. I do care. But if I were to respond to every one of you, every single time, then do you know what would happen?
None of my comments to your comments would be special.
And really now, we wouldn’t want that to happen.
I think my open letter is done, now.
Well………..I hope you met the need for which Kristine was
asking. You certainly gave “breath” to her need and “time” to her need, and “words” to her need and “content” to her need…..
now…..if there is any breath, time or words left for today what
about “Words for MY Enjoyment” !!!
Comment by Barney — January 20, 2006 @ 8:11 am
Barney - I think you may need to start your own blog. Just an idea, but it feels right to me.
Comment by Pauly D — January 20, 2006 @ 8:13 am
I’m going to start an online company that only posts comments in relation to comments on ‘blogs - I think it’s a gold mine of an idea. Bloggers could hire me to comment in response to comments and never have to worry about it again. Genius.
Comment by Alissa — January 20, 2006 @ 8:35 am
Pauly, you are going to get *so* many comments about the size of your head, your asymettrical face and hands, and your DVD obsession. But thanks for the sweet letter. I love letters that are about me me me me me.
Comment by annabel lee — January 20, 2006 @ 8:42 am
while I appreciate your effort to create an all encompassing blanket response that still maintains that level of intimacy found in individualized responses, it still feels, well, automated. If I were looking for that, I would just start calling my credit card companies on a daily basis. I am not one who needs recognition for every comment I make and I never feel starved if you don’t respond to my occasional posts here. I am grounded enough to know many are more genius than I. But I understand there are many out there who need constant love and attention and the use of an open letter might well insult them. Furthermore, the use of the open letter is the direct result of Kristen’s recommendation to do so and as such is now a direct and individualized response to Kristen. Why do her needs and wants outweigh the needs and wants of the unloved who frequent your site? This is a dark and slippery slope you descend here. Careful where you tread, Pauly D. Again, I speak not for myself but those who fear the silence of non-response.
Comment by jerry — January 20, 2006 @ 8:44 am
Jerry - While some may think I’m responding to just you because you used “Pauly D” in a sentence and not as a societal saying, I am in fact responding to you because you wrote so much up there! Can I just say WOW? That’s a lot of words.
Comment by Pauly D — January 20, 2006 @ 8:49 am
thank you for that letter. i felt like you wrote it just for me.
booyah, paulyd!
Comment by dgm — January 20, 2006 @ 8:58 am
I feel the need to write an open letter to bloggers who don’t respond directly to my comments and instead write an open letter to cover all the comments that they didn’t comment to directly.
But then I realized it’s only you Pauly.
= Sob! =
It’s only you…
Comment by Dave2 — January 20, 2006 @ 9:00 am
Wait a second… Are you saying that the comment section isn’t like instant messaging?
All this time… I would submit a comment, and then wait patiently for your reply to scroll in a few seconds later…
In the interim, I would get ready to key in shorthand phrases like LOL or pepper emoticons into my responses.
TTYL!
Comment by The Centaur — January 20, 2006 @ 9:03 am
Hold on… so I’m only funny, but not hysterical? I need a moment here…
Comment by Keith — January 20, 2006 @ 9:08 am
this shit is giving me a headache.
Comment by cecilia — January 20, 2006 @ 9:09 am
Maybe you can hire an intern to comment for you. It would free up your time, so you can focus on more important things, like washcloths, oversize left hands and such.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — January 20, 2006 @ 9:14 am
i am leaving a comment but i don’t want you to comment on my comment.
Comment by ms. sizzle — January 20, 2006 @ 9:16 am
Cecilia - Good work! You went after the one area I didn’t address in my open letter…people who curse! I always have to comment on those comments to be sure that said commenter isn’t really pissed off but is just using such language for dramatic effect. You’re not mad at me, are you?
Peterman - That was hilarious. Sorry. I shouldn’t have responded.
Comment by Pauly D — January 20, 2006 @ 9:17 am
Blah blah blah - I want a personalized thank you letter.
Comment by monkeyinabox — January 20, 2006 @ 9:22 am
Pshaw, I guess I’ll stop with the Pauly D bit from now on
Comment by Kristi — January 20, 2006 @ 9:27 am
What most people don’t realize is that January 20th is exactly 7 days after January 13th, which is the day I broke a mirror and gained 7 years of bad luck, and the 13th just happened to be on a Friday, which ruined what could have been a really good bowling score. 41.
What if Peterman’s suggestion has already happened? Has Mr. D hired a clone? an intern? a circus giraffe? Is good old Pauly even writing WFME anymore?
As you can see, I don’t reccommend hiring anyone to do anything for you because it just goes downhill. First you hire someone to respond to comments, and then the next thing you know you’re living on the beach in Costa Rica while a team of cultist fanatics runs the show for free, under oath to never tell who the real Paul Davidson is. This leads to serious legal problems down the road. Just ask Elvis. Look how well his team of cultist fanatics did. No one knows who the real Elvis is, and even if he did show up and actually happened to be the real one, how could he prove it? I mean, what’s he gonna do? Every single one of those guys has blue suede shoes and sings Jail House Rock.
So in conclusion, comments shouldn’t be like essays ever again.
Comment by Daniel Nicolas — January 20, 2006 @ 9:40 am
You need not comment on my comment that was a comment on your blog about commenting or not commenting on comments. Do I need the stress of excitedly waiting for your re-comment and then the utter shock realizing I am merely funny and not hilarious? NO, I do NOT need that stress! (read between the lines here, and please comment) (I’m just kidding PaulyD).
Comment by susan — January 20, 2006 @ 9:45 am
Glad you cleared that up. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one losing sleep at night over why you don’t comment back on every single comment I leave you.
But I am happy to know another huge-headed blogger. It seems that I was born with a full-size, adult head. Seriously, in my baby pictures, it’s ginormous! My poor, poor mother!!!
Comment by Nicole — January 20, 2006 @ 9:49 am
Which is worse- coming back to see if you commented on my comment DESPITE your commenting-themed commentary, or the fact that I’m admitting it in the comments?
I think I have a headache.
Comment by Kristi — January 20, 2006 @ 9:55 am
Pauly, If I were your teacher, and grading you on your commenting, I’d give you an A. You are a good replyer! Otherwise, I would treat your blog the way I do several other blogs, where I am an occasional lurker but not a commenter.
Comment by Flower Girl — January 20, 2006 @ 10:53 am
And I know that my comment wasn’t funny or hilarious, nor did it contain curse words, but I still thought you’d like to know.
Comment by Flower Girl — January 20, 2006 @ 10:54 am
Kristi - Get some of that Imitrex stuff and you’ll be good to go.
Flower Girl - Yes, but how many gold stars do I get? Didn’t you know, letter-grades are so 1952.
Comment by Pauly D — January 20, 2006 @ 11:06 am
I have no comment. Nor do I have a remark I wish to make, an observation I wish to share, a statement dying to make its way to the screen, a mention worth making, a noteable note…or a thesaurus.
Comment by sandra — January 20, 2006 @ 11:18 am
Ebay IS like crack cocaine.
I never wanted to be a junkie.
Alas, I am.
Thanks for the comment! Ive enjoyed reading you. Your writing style is exactly as it should be. Attention grabbing in the first bit and maintains a good grip on the reader througout.
Comment by Sarah — January 20, 2006 @ 11:24 am
Sarah - I just had to respond to your comment and thank you for the kind kind kind kind words.
Comment by Pauly D — January 20, 2006 @ 11:27 am
Five gold stars out of a possible five, of course. Unless you’d prefer to have 52…
Comment by Flower Girl — January 20, 2006 @ 11:41 am
Or 71…
Comment by Flower Girl — January 20, 2006 @ 11:44 am
I think I’m going to have to agree and say that I now have a headache, deciding if I prefer you to comment or not. I know I’m not hilarious but i’d prefer to keep the dream alive. ;0) Pauly, you’ve ruined my dream, those fond moments, where I felt special, when i believed you loved me and were going to marry and you know, we could have like 2 kids, or maybe just two dogs cause kids are well messy and loud, that dream is ruined! Ruined, ~sobbing~… I like your big head, it goes with my loud laughing, why you ask?! just because.
On a more serious note, I love your site paul (not the serious name calling) its funny, and witty which I love. Thanks for caring enough to update and comment.
p.s. You better not hire a giraffe to comment, I’m planning on stealing that idea.
Comment by Virenda — January 20, 2006 @ 12:15 pm
I really really hope you do not respond to this comment in which I simply say:
My nose hurts.
Comment by benny — January 20, 2006 @ 1:21 pm
I’d like to think Paul(y)’s poor response rate to my comments is due to the fact that they might not just be funny* but hilarious.
Although I suspect it’s more because of this one: “Know that if you leave more than one comment or leave numerous comments because you love to see yourself leaving comments”
Ooooh, I just remembered though: Paul(y) once (only once though) responded to one of my comments with an email! That has to be the cream of the crop as far as comment responses, right? What? No? Oh, well.
* Although I’m often told (although not by Paul Davidson) that my jokes aren’t that funny and my friends don’t really “get” them… Hmmm…
Comment by the swede — January 20, 2006 @ 1:51 pm
Are you supposed to actually respond to people’s comments? You wrote the post. Isn’t that enough?
Comment by Neil — January 20, 2006 @ 3:17 pm
Well Pauly, I just have to tell you that sometimes, just sometimes, your comments to the commenters are funnier than the original post. Just the other day I actually laughed out loud at your comment to a commenter. I don’t know where you find the time to come up with such funny, elaborate posts every day or how you have time to read all the comments and then comment on the comments. Do you actually write a new post every day or do you have a backlog of posts that were already written to chose from? Ok, I didn’t mention your huge head or small, asymmetrical hands but I did ask a question, dammit, and I want a response!
Comment by Rachel — January 20, 2006 @ 3:19 pm
Rachel - A good question deserves a good answer. I, in fact, go to Vegas three times a year and lock myself in the Venetian Hotel where I wrote 120 posts over the course of 3 days. Then, I’m good to go for a third of the year. I go back two more times, so I technically write all the posts for a full year on three days.
The comments, well, I also write those while I’m in Vegas — I anticipate what people will say, then adjust them slightly when I post them…but for the most part, everything you see here is the result of four-dollar shrimp cocktails and free blackjack beer.
Comment by Pauly D — January 20, 2006 @ 3:33 pm
The only reason you’re not commenting on my comment is because of the TIME ZONE DIFFERENCES. That’s the only answer… it must be!
Comment by Glen — January 20, 2006 @ 3:45 pm
the only thing i hate more than writing my blog is commenting on comments. i find that to be hysterical.
Comment by better safe than sorry — January 20, 2006 @ 6:08 pm
This is why I love that I found your blog. I sooo needed this laugh. You’re great. I’m sitting here in jammies, orange juice, with a hangover from meds from the doctor, because my lovely children passed their pnemonia on to me. Delightful. Then I click on you and I”m cracking up, even though it hurts to laugh.
Your words…I have thoroughly enjoyed. Thanks.
C
Comment by Thoughtsgalore — January 20, 2006 @ 6:56 pm
shit. how did i miss all this?!
paul (could we please just stop with this “Pauly D” nonsense already?), you are the absolute BEST ass-kisser. and i mean that in the nicest way.
heh.
Comment by kristine — January 24, 2006 @ 7:22 am