I Could Start An Awesome Cult
January 18th, 2006
I would never have you shave your head and wear matching sneakers.
I would never ask you to drink Kool-Aid or learn how to shoot guns. I would never ask you to consider me as divine, one who God was speaking through, or the man with all the answers to the Universe. I would never need fifteen wives, forty children or a million dollars. But there would be one thing no one would doubt…
I could start an awesome cult.
While society seemingly wants you to think cults are all about crazy people with unrealistic goals driven by an almost violent fervor, cults are in fact not about that at all. And while the news would have you think that cults are all about religious fanatics, that too would be a lie.
Cults are about like-minded people, sharing unhealthy obsessions.
Do you like hot dogs? Do you have to eat hot dogs for every meal of every day? Do you sit around debating the positive and negatives about chili cheese hot dogs or those hot dogs with the strip of melted cheese built right into the center? Do you find that most of your friends also agree with you about hot dogs and you often revile revel in the fact that when you go to a baseball game the lot of you consume hot dogs by the dozens?
That’s a cult.
Whether or not you all castrate yourselves, dress in silky purple jogging pants and shave your heads while at the same time drinking punch laced with poison which cause you to pass out and die on a bed of Hebrew National’s best is your business. I don’t use these examples to put down the hot dog cult you belong to, just to prove a point that any cult is about unhealthy obsession and not religiously violent crazy God fearing fanatics.
Knowing this provides me all the information I need to start an awesome cult.
My cult would be all about marketing. We would enlist the hottest designers to print up the most obscure and fad-tastic logo T’s. We would also spend our first bunch of cash to buy one of those really good DMV picture taking machines so everyone could have a laminated cult membership card. Listen, Blockbuster Video is a cult. And if they can have laminated membership cards, then so can we.
The cult would start out simple. T-shirts, laminated membership cards, and a love of one of the following things: cotton candy, churros, the marshmallows in Lucky Charms, bad DVD movies with an almost overflowing amount of extra advanced never-before-seen content, the promise of sneakers that will (like in Back to the Future 2) lace up all by themselves in the future, bricks that look like bricks but are made of styrofoam, chewing a pack of gum all at the same time, string cheese and the concept of having “no loves whatsoever.”
Trust me when I tell you I’ve had consultations with other cult leaders who have warned me against allowing so much free obsessive love-will. “By allowing your cult members to choose one of many obsessions,” they told me, “your group will splinter and the power and influence of your cult will falter.”
But that’s why my cult would be so awesome.
We would be known as the cult of everything. A cult made up of people who just wanted to join a cult but really, pretty much, all had their own passionate obsessions. That’s the problem with joining a cult these days. I might believe in God but not think you’re God’s chosen one. I might disagree with animal cruelty but not really be a huge fan of letting you spray blood on my furs. I might love purple jogging suits and castration but not be a big fan of shaving my head.
In my cult, you can love purple jogging suits and believe in God and not have to shave your head if you don’t want to.
I’d try to setup some really great promotions with my cult membership card. You know, maybe like a 2-for-1 deal at Sizzler (or is it “The Sizzler”?). Possibly, on Tuesday nights you’d be able to get a free beer at the local T.G.I.Fridays? Or at El Pollo Loco, a free churro with the purchase of a family sized 8 piece chicken meal. I would combine our obsession for things, our lack of dedication to ludicrous beliefs, and our widespread ethnic and spiritual diversity into a kick-ass cult that would have people like Donald Trump and Tommy Hilfiger just clamoring to get involved.
Normal cults don’t like TV coverage. We’ve seen this in the past. Whether it’s been the guys at Waco holing up in a house and then lighting themselves on fire when the press (and FBI) showed up, or the Hale Bopp Comet fools who killed themselves before the news media even showed up… Not us. If we know press is coming, we’re going to make sure we get the press, because there’s one big mantra my awesome cult will always keep close to their heart:
Free press means we sell more T-shirts.
And bear with me here, but: free press means we sell more T-shirts, which means more people want a laminated membership card which means we charge more people and collect more money for T-shirts and laminated membership cards which means we can pay off that $15,000 DMV-like photo booth machine, which means we’re then rolling in the money which means free churros, cheese and purple jogging suits for everyone, which means a happy cult, which makes us the first happy awesome cult on the face of the Earth which the media picks up on, does stories on, and turns us into (yes you guessed it) the most awesome cult ever.
Knowing the readers of WFME, people are going to say things like:
“Can I be in this cult if I only like to wear retro Iron Maiden concert T’s?”
“Will you accept cult members from other cults?”
“Do you have any problems with ME marrying more than one woman?”
“Are there membership dues?”
“Can I work out some kind of deal where I join your club and my local gym for one consolidated price?”
Did I start an awesome cult? An awesome cult where you can obsess over any cultish thing in your life, then be welcomed into said awesome cult and embraced because of it? Is my awesome cult not supportive of any and all promotional or marketing opportunities that any of our members can come up with?
I think you know the answer. And I think you’re starting to realize exactly what I’ve set out to convince you of. I could start an awesome cult. And you could be a member.
So join us.
I’m in. I am SO in. (And my obsession, of course, is with the divine DK. But you knew that.)
Comment by annabel lee — January 18, 2006 @ 8:21 am
Psst. Pauly. I think you mean revel, not revile.
I’m already a member of like, seven cults. The problem is that you have to keep them secret from one another. Cults can be quite possessive. On the upside, it leads to lots of zany hijinks trying to keep them all in the dark, a lá popular sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond.
Comment by Pierce — January 18, 2006 @ 8:23 am
THIS is what I’ve been looking/waiting for! And the T-shirts will say …… ?
Comment by nic — January 18, 2006 @ 8:24 am
what the eff?! i thought this was going to be on how Tom Cruise is stalking you! LAME.
Comment by kristine — January 18, 2006 @ 8:27 am
AL - Glad to have you aboard.
Pierce - Thanks for your eagle-eye. When WFME has their annual spelling competition, you’re IN my friend.
Nic - The shirts will say Cult of Me. Then on the back it will say Me = Pauly D. Then on the left arm it will have a logo of a churro. And on the right arm the logo of a block of cheese. Somewhere on the lower part of the shirt will be a tiny embroidered logo of tennis shoes. And some other crap too. We may even tie-dye the thing, too.
Kristine - Know that I DELETED your comment, then put it back up after consulting the members of the board in my cult. Unfortunately, the fact of the matter is that I was never being stalked by Tom Cruise. I was, in fact, being stalked by a famous UK biographer who is writing a book ON Tom Cruise (true story). But I declined to be involved.
Comment by Pauly D — January 18, 2006 @ 8:28 am
So, will we all live in a big commune? And where will it be?
Comment by Flower Girl — January 18, 2006 @ 8:30 am
Where do i sign? You had me at hot dogs.
Comment by H. F. Peterman — January 18, 2006 @ 8:43 am
The marshmallows in Lucky Charms are so badass. Plus Sizzler too! This is good.
Comment by monkeyinabox — January 18, 2006 @ 8:46 am
Will we live in a commune or will this be a part time cult with weekend retreats?
Comment by Alissa — January 18, 2006 @ 8:58 am
The genius of this whole cult is that you can live anywhere you want. With anyone you want. Just make sure you have your laminated membership card in case I show up at your location as a surprise laminated-card check up.
Cause if you don’t have one, we’ll sacrifice you.
Comment by Pauly D — January 18, 2006 @ 9:01 am
The whole time i was wondering what you have against people who shave their heads. Are we allowed in the cult? Or would the glare ruin our photos on the DMV-like machine made membership cards?
Comment by jimi — January 18, 2006 @ 9:13 am
Isn’t blogging sort of a cult?
Comment by Neil — January 18, 2006 @ 9:17 am
will this be a naked cult?
Comment by Wendi — January 18, 2006 @ 9:28 am
Cult of Pauly D - I am in. I want a t-shirt
Comment by Daniel Nicolas — January 18, 2006 @ 9:47 am
I was in at “Lucky Charms.” Now, not only are they magically delicious, but they’re also my “in” into a group of people who will love me no matter what. Sigh. This is gonna be GREAT.
But hey, (and not to step on the toes of our fearless and fantastic leader’s idea about photos) could we have one of those cool photo booths that are black and white and give you a strip of 4 pictures? I love those things.
Comment by Amber — January 18, 2006 @ 9:47 am
OKAYYYYYYYY then!
Comment by LisaBinDaCity — January 18, 2006 @ 10:23 am
“I am the cult of … I am the cult of … I am the Cult of Personality”
Personality = Pauly D.
Comment by nic — January 18, 2006 @ 10:36 am
How many t-shirts do we get? Because I only like to wear a t-shirt once before it goes in the laundry, and I’m not keen on doing a load of laundry every day.
Comment by Keith — January 18, 2006 @ 10:48 am
Keith - Dude, you’re already snaking more than one shirt? We may have to shave your head for such blatant disregard for the rules.
Comment by Pauly D — January 18, 2006 @ 10:57 am
Okay here’s the thing as a woman it’s very important that I get to pick the size and color of the T-shirt, I’m down for the cult thing but I WILL not look ugly. People in cults never really look “put” together. I think it’s important that we are a well dressed cheese, churro, and sizzler loving cult. Oh and Pauly you had me at Cotton Candy!
Does loving Cotton Candy more than life itself mean I’m still mentally the age of my daughter? Hmm… that can’t be good. OHHH I forgot to add, If were doing the cult thing with the cotton candy thing than it HAS to be carnival like cotton candy NOT that crap they sell at the grocery store. Mmmmm…Churros are yummy too! Do we get like medical insurance through this cult, cause we are all going to need a dentist.
Comment by Virenda — January 18, 2006 @ 11:00 am
yay! i guess i don’t even have to ask if you’ll embrace fingah-lickahs in your cult.
as it happens, however, i’m obsessed with not carrying a laminated photo i.d. can i still be in, or do i have to start my own cult for that? and even if i do, can our cults still hold jointly sponsored mixers?
Comment by dgm — January 18, 2006 @ 11:03 am
i’m in too, i’ll start a branch in my city. you can come and visit and we can have a huge convention, and i’ll organize it. and we can serve hot dogs. and beer, real beer, canadian. and could we get those keychains things that blockbuster gives out too, i like those better than the big membership cards. this is so exciting, i’ll clear my schedule for a summer convention. you’re coming, right?
Comment by better safe than sorry — January 18, 2006 @ 11:16 am
I was telling someone just yesterday that I’ve been looking for a cult to join. But I kept running into problems, like not wanting to share my husband with ten other women, or the fact that I would look silly bald, or that I don’t wear purple very well. So it looks like your cult is the one for me! Plus, I love the marshmallows in Lucky Charms.
Conventions would be super-fun! And I happen to work in marketing and am my company’s event planner, so this is a perfect fit!
My only request is that our membership cards aren’t like the ones at Ralphs — one for the wallet, and one for the keychains. ‘Cause when it comes to my keychain, I’m a minimalist.
Comment by Nicole — January 18, 2006 @ 11:55 am
In this said cult with said hot dogs and said laminated cards and said cotton candy and T-shirts there has to be chocolate.
Now this said chocolate doesn’t need to be Godiva or Ghiradelli or See’s or even Russell Stover. Just Hershey’s. Bars, Kisses, syrup, et cetera. That’s all I need in my cult.
Comment by Rachel — January 18, 2006 @ 11:56 am
Nicole - No, none of that Ralph’s dual keychain membership card crap. We’re talking the size of a credit card, glossy, great for picking your teeth, et al.
Rachel - Chocolate it is.
Comment by Pauly D — January 18, 2006 @ 12:00 pm
Head?!?
Oops… I shaved the wrong place.
Can you get kicked out of the cult? I’ve got my cheese…
Comment by Dave2 — January 18, 2006 @ 12:25 pm
Didn’t Scientology start as a bet by Hubbard to Heinlein that he couldn’t start a religion that people would believe?
Well, there ya go…yours probably won’t even be as creepy!
Comment by Brian J. Hong — January 18, 2006 @ 12:43 pm
but, but, but i LIKE shaved heads and matching sneakers!
Comment by ms. sizzle — January 18, 2006 @ 1:10 pm
oh my god. i feel mysteriously compelled to develop any type of obsession so that i can be a part of this group. i’m thinking…artichokes. definitely artichokes. and purple.
Comment by Sarcomical — January 18, 2006 @ 1:31 pm
On the even upper side, all those mashed-potato sculptures of your head now have a home… and probably some friends, too.
Comment by Glen — January 18, 2006 @ 3:01 pm
Q: Why are there no jokes about the Guyana cult tragedy? A: The punch line was too long. Obviously, from the response to this topic, we all have a need to BELONG. That is the only criteria for your cult, a desire to be in it. I’ve been joining organizations for years, when really, I guess I wanted a cult! Please no corny songs or situations where a room full of people say: HI SUSAN. Otherwise, I’m in.
Comment by susan — January 18, 2006 @ 3:42 pm
I think the t-shirts should be purple so they go with the jogging suits. Maybe lavender so there’s a little bit of contrast.
Also Lavender hides churro and Lucky Charms marshmallow crumbs pretty well.
Comment by Adri — January 18, 2006 @ 3:57 pm
If you tour to promote your new book, it will be a great time to recruit new members!
My obsession, of course, will have something to do with dental floss…
Comment by Flower Girl — January 18, 2006 @ 4:40 pm
I kind of felt I was already a member of the cult…
Comment by Jaclyn — January 18, 2006 @ 5:45 pm
Hundreds, possibly thousands of readers log on to this site each and every day right? We might as well all have “take me to your leader” printed on our foreheads. Only difference is today, ironically, it was to read… about cults.:)
Comment by Janet — January 18, 2006 @ 7:37 pm
Janet - I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Comment by Pauly D — January 18, 2006 @ 7:41 pm
Will there be olives?
Comment by Lynn — January 19, 2006 @ 12:34 am
Well, knowing Pauly (not that I actually know him, but…) there sure as heck won’t be any kind of chips.
Comment by the swede — January 19, 2006 @ 1:32 am
So basically…
Cult = like-minded group of obsessive compulsives…
…I advise not drinking the punch at the next group therapy meeting.
Comment by House of Figs — January 19, 2006 @ 9:41 pm
Can we sacfifice small children in the cult?
Comment by ME — April 19, 2006 @ 3:05 pm