The Washcloth Conspiracy

“You mean, you don’t use a washcloth in the shower?”

The words rang out, in fact they echoed in my head as I heard two people discussing this very issue recently in a local Bed, Bath & Beyond store — one person trying to convince the other that the only way to clean ones’ body was to use a washcloth. That without it, ones’ body would not become clean but would just “appear to be clean” when in reality it was just clean “on the surface.”

Yes, once again — the washcloth conspiracy had reared its ugly head.

There are soap rubbers, body wash slatherers, water drenchers, loofah scratchers and drip drainers — and yet, come in contact with one of the supporters of the washcloth conspiracy and you will be met with a look that convinces you that you’ve just kidnapped, tied-up, fried and eaten someone’s favorite pet. For, if you do not use a washcloth as an intregal part of your daily showering experience to cleanse and strip your body of the previous days’ dirt — you are a heathen plain and simple. You deserve to be drawn and quartered.

“Really? You’re kidding, right? You don’t use a washcloth? Then how do you get clean?”

Just like the Scientologists or any other really well-oiled cult-like machine (more on this tomorrow) — members of the washcloth conspiracy will attack you with moral cleansing questions in the hopes that you will suddenly go out and buy a 3-pack of cloths and start wiping and washing. They will give you looks and address your non-wash cloth wiping butt in front of as many wash cloth users as possible… It’s all they know and it’s all they’ll do until you bow under the pressure of the washcloth conspiracy.

But alas (did that sound English?) — I will not bow to the pressure.

In fact, alternative titles for this post included (but were not limited to): I Will Not Bow To Washcloth Conspiracy Pressure, Oh The Pressure Will Not Be Mine [Regarding Washcloths], Pressure Pressure Poo-Bam-Bow [Or, I Can Rhyme And Not Use A Washcloth Even With This Pesky Washcloth Conspiracy Rearing Its Ugly Head [Which Is A Phrase I’d Like To Use In This Post]] and Do You Have A Washcloth? Do You Love It? Then I Hate You.

When I go into the shower, it’s my opinion that taking a bar of soap and lathering it up and then spreading said lather across said referenced shower-taking body is fine. Sure, some body wash proponents (which is the same as the previously mentioned soap latherers) will tell you that they put some of the body wash into a loofah and rub that on their body. But some body washers don’t even do that. So if soap latherers and body washer/spreaders can successfully cleanse themselves without the use of a washcloth, well…you know where I’m going.

Washclothes aren’t necessary to the daily cleansing going on in our world.

Yet the washcloth conspiracy would have you believe that if you don’t use a washcloth that you are doing the rest of society a disservice. That you are walking around with a less-clean body than the rest of the wash cloth users throughout the world. That without using a tiny little square of cloth, you are overlooking the second most important aspect of cleanliness (flossing is #1) on the face of the Earth.

If I could spit on people involved in this conspiracy using text in a blog entry, I would do it right here and now.

So, enough with your wash cloth thoughts. Enough with the pressure. Sure, you may believe it and you may live your life by the guidelines set forth in your fictitious cleansing cult — but no matter how often you talk about it you still won’t ensnare me. You still won’t convince me. You still won’t get me to change the way I do things.

I refuse to use a washcloth. And yet I sit here now, smelling as fresh as a field of Dial (whatever scent that actually is) and feeling clean and scented and happy.

So, pfft, on you.

59 comments on “The Washcloth Conspiracy

  1. […] Or my thoughts on this whole Washcloth Conspiracy where people insist you have to use a washcloth in the shower… […]

  2. Mirabella - June 27, 2006 at 6:33 am -

    My ex-husband used a washcloth and towel for one week before discarding… (his mom’s way)…he even hung a rack on the bedroom door to keep me from throwing the items in the daily wash. (Don’t touch my towel!!!)
    I was brought up to use clean washcloth(s) and towel(s) each bath time and I still follow this routine. One cloth for face and body and a clean one for the perianal area). I have a daughter who will use the same items forever if I don’t take them down. Washcloths scrub off dead skin cells and embedded dirt (I like bare feet in the house), and eliminate the need to defoliate one’s face. Moms like them because they scrub better than hands, (look at a dirty one after you’ve finished washing feet).

  3. Stacy - October 3, 2006 at 8:10 pm -

    My step-daughter thinks she doesn’t need to use a washcloth either…even though the pungent smell of BO follows her right out of the bathroom after she has bathed. She will argue to the death that she bathed well. The use of a washcloth has been strictly enforced with her because the rest of us don’t like gagging on the way to work and school every morning because of the odor. Smelling her makes me consider my washcloth my best friend!

  4. John - October 6, 2006 at 10:17 am -

    The wash cloth is the greatest thing. You must use them. I love clean, fresh smelling washcloth people. I’m tired of the grungy nose ring wearing, ragged clothing non self scrubbing people. I have a car just so I don’t have to ride the bus with all those ‘only rinse themselves’ people.

    PS: Please don’t leave pubes on the soap, use a washcloth.

  5. There he goes again - QueerMind - May 1, 2007 at 6:58 am -

    […] read this and thought about commenting on it, but then decided not to, except that I don’t use a washcloth […]

  6. Anonymous - February 8, 2018 at 1:10 pm -

    Yet there are people walking around all over the place who do not know my bathing habits and like me anyway. If you’re not my parent and I’m not your child, it’s none of your damn business how I bathe.

  7. Scott woodard - February 20, 2018 at 9:15 am -

    It’s just plain nasty to use a washcloth on your ass and then leave it to be cleaned.I use my hand and the make sure it’s clean before I get out of the shower.Anybody that isn’t clean after a shower is too busy staring off in space or playing with something.And to think people could wash their ass and get crack funk on a washcloth and leave it laying around ……I just don’t know about people

  8. Octavius - October 13, 2018 at 10:15 am -

    It’s the perfect combination of flexibility (hands are better) and soft abrasiveness (loofahs and brushes are better). Put them together and what do you get? A washcloth! Does it matter in everyday life? Depends.

    If I’m just walking around in public, I don’t care one way or another. Some people don’t even have strong BO so it doesn’t matter in “special” cases anyway.

    But what about “special” cases?

    What if we’re talking about fellow gym-goers (using equipment, spotting, etc), strippers or MMA sparring partners? When you get either very stinky or up close and personal, cleanliness suddenly becomes everyone’s business. Please don’t engage in these types of activities unless you’ve done your best to get as clean as possible.

  9. Not saying - December 26, 2018 at 10:55 pm -

    I can’t believe my daughters husband and his family don’t use wash rags. Just the thought is disgusting to me. This whole time I use the soap not knowing they are just using a bar of soap. This means the soap I used on my face was used on their private parts. My daughter and I asked their grandmother if she uses a wash rag and she said no. It’s the whole family! It bothers me especially that I know for a fact their private parts have to stink. So disturbing.

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