“You mean, you don’t use a washcloth in the shower?”
The words rang out, in fact they echoed in my head as I heard two people discussing this very issue recently in a local Bed, Bath & Beyond store — one person trying to convince the other that the only way to clean ones’ body was to use a washcloth. That without it, ones’ body would not become clean but would just “appear to be clean” when in reality it was just clean “on the surface.”
Yes, once again — the washcloth conspiracy had reared its ugly head.
There are soap rubbers, body wash slatherers, water drenchers, loofah scratchers and drip drainers — and yet, come in contact with one of the supporters of the washcloth conspiracy and you will be met with a look that convinces you that you’ve just kidnapped, tied-up, fried and eaten someone’s favorite pet. For, if you do not use a washcloth as an intregal part of your daily showering experience to cleanse and strip your body of the previous days’ dirt — you are a heathen plain and simple. You deserve to be drawn and quartered.
“Really? You’re kidding, right? You don’t use a washcloth? Then how do you get clean?”
Just like the Scientologists or any other really well-oiled cult-like machine (more on this tomorrow) — members of the washcloth conspiracy will attack you with moral cleansing questions in the hopes that you will suddenly go out and buy a 3-pack of cloths and start wiping and washing. They will give you looks and address your non-wash cloth wiping butt in front of as many wash cloth users as possible… It’s all they know and it’s all they’ll do until you bow under the pressure of the washcloth conspiracy.
But alas (did that sound English?) — I will not bow to the pressure.
In fact, alternative titles for this post included (but were not limited to): I Will Not Bow To Washcloth Conspiracy Pressure, Oh The Pressure Will Not Be Mine [Regarding Washcloths], Pressure Pressure Poo-Bam-Bow [Or, I Can Rhyme And Not Use A Washcloth Even With This Pesky Washcloth Conspiracy Rearing Its Ugly Head [Which Is A Phrase I’d Like To Use In This Post]] and Do You Have A Washcloth? Do You Love It? Then I Hate You.
When I go into the shower, it’s my opinion that taking a bar of soap and lathering it up and then spreading said lather across said referenced shower-taking body is fine. Sure, some body wash proponents (which is the same as the previously mentioned soap latherers) will tell you that they put some of the body wash into a loofah and rub that on their body. But some body washers don’t even do that. So if soap latherers and body washer/spreaders can successfully cleanse themselves without the use of a washcloth, well…you know where I’m going.
Washclothes aren’t necessary to the daily cleansing going on in our world.
Yet the washcloth conspiracy would have you believe that if you don’t use a washcloth that you are doing the rest of society a disservice. That you are walking around with a less-clean body than the rest of the wash cloth users throughout the world. That without using a tiny little square of cloth, you are overlooking the second most important aspect of cleanliness (flossing is #1) on the face of the Earth.
If I could spit on people involved in this conspiracy using text in a blog entry, I would do it right here and now.
So, enough with your wash cloth thoughts. Enough with the pressure. Sure, you may believe it and you may live your life by the guidelines set forth in your fictitious cleansing cult — but no matter how often you talk about it you still won’t ensnare me. You still won’t convince me. You still won’t get me to change the way I do things.
I refuse to use a washcloth. And yet I sit here now, smelling as fresh as a field of Dial (whatever scent that actually is) and feeling clean and scented and happy.
So, pfft, on you.