I Worry The Police Who Find My Dead Blogging Body Will Not Leave A Good Enough Eulogy Post On This Site
January 5th, 2006
People have been blogging long enough now for death to set in.
That’s why every time I come across the somber sight of someone’s front page of their blog affixed with one of those “so-and-so died, he/she valued all of you readers and please send flowers” posts…I just start worrying about the fact that if I were to die and the authorities found my body, that I’m not entirely convinced they could brainstorm, craft, create, categorize, upload a graphic and publish the content to my high-watermark values.
Sadly, I worry that the police who find my dead blogging body will not leave a good enough eulogy post on this site.
First of all, in an attempt to get all the naysayers out of their naysaying mentality — my parents and loved ones have no idea how to find my blog, edit my blog, post a message or even figure out what the hell I’m writing about. Often, they need Google to find what my website is and even then, they’re still not sure if they’ve found the right place. So, if I were to die and the authorities found my body, the technically-minded police would be my only hope in getting the word out to my faithful readers that, yes, I had died.
For god’s sake…so many of you would be up for my awesome funeral, so the least I can do is make sure you were in the know.
But the problem is this — even if the police have their tech-savvy computer guys out on the beat when my unique and elaborately ironic accidental and Rube Goldberg-esque death occurs (let’s just say it involves flour, a pogo stick, three churros, a limited edition Wizard of Oz collectible plate, four troll eraser head hair guys and fifteen dull plastic lunchroom knives) I am not totally convinced that they have the talent to put up a message that will be both funny, somber, satirical, have a few pop culture references, link to some old posts worth mentioning and add a tinge of emotional resonance without having to get the local community college’s literary teaching staff to help them. I suspect it would end up being something like this:
“This is Det. Hart of the Los Angeles Police Department — leaving this message to inform any interested parties that one Paul Davidson, owner of this e-mail site, passed away on so-and-so date at so-and-so time. There is more information involved with the case but we cannot release it at this time.”
One Paul Davidson? Owner of this e-mail site? There is more information but they cannot release it at this time!? Just like typical police detectives, there would be no pertinent information and people would be wondering just how it had happened, was it something like a disease that had been a long time coming, was it painful, did anyone witness it, who would be getting my DVD collection, what would be happening to all the content from the site, who would be getting the domain, would it be transformed into a shrine and who could people call if they wanted to donate money…
There would be no answers, because local authorities suck when it comes to giving answers.
So then, if local authorities suck at giving answers doesn’t it stand to reason that local authorities would also suck at asking questions? Asking questions like, How will we all go on without Pauly D? and What is the meaning of life without his words? and What if this whole thing is just a fake practical joke and Pauly D is sitting here right now watching us type this? and Is there anything we can do for the mourners? or Can we really put a price on sadness? to Who votes for a twelve-churro salute?
Questions, you local authorities. Do you think you could get your technically-inept heads out of your technically-adept butts long enough to pick up a Dummy’s Guide to Blogging book and figure out how to post something worthwhile? Do you think you could read my archives and take a look at my writing style and actually post something that I could be proud of? Do you think you could stop eating protein-style In n’ Out Double-Doubles long enough to let my readers know that I’m gone and that things are going to change?
I didn’t think so.
I’ve thought long and hard about the possibility of this happening, and I’ve come up with a few solutions that might soften the blow of my death and the impending post that the local authorities would follow-up with…in the wake of said referenced death.
I have toyed with the idea of holding auditions while I am still alive for police detectives who also have a passion for writing. I mean, this is Hollywood — even my gardener and the girl who sells paintings of clowns at the local freeway onramp intersection want to write. So, I figure — if I could find an officer or detective willing to accept the challenge, I would have time to train and teach them to write a perfect post upon my death.
I would enable them with confidence, codes (for the blog) and charisma. I would run drills with them in which they would rattle off post names to see if they jived with my style. We would run through writing exercizes in which they would pretend they were me and I would pretend I was dead. They would come up with post titles that would run the gamut of Now That I’m Dead, Here’s Whose Blogs I Hate all the way to Today’s Real Conversation With Dead Souls of the Ethersphere. We would become great chums and I would finally have realized one of life’s biggest goals…
To have a friend who can carry a gun.
But until the time that local LAPD officials allow me to interview and choose my own personal in-death blog eulogy writer who is also a part of the local authorities — I must stay strong in my convictions that the local police would screw the whole affair up and put up a post that would be altogether dry, boring and get absolutely no linkage across the Blogosphere.
And really, in death, it’s not about how many people cry for your or how many flowers end up on your grave… It’s how many people link to the eulogy on the front page of your blog… And how high your ‘rati ranking becomes.
At least, in death, that’s what I think.
—
In other news, tomorrow brings us yet another edition of “Words For Your Enjoyment” — that’s where you submit an idea for a post, I take it, turn it into a jubilee of thoughts, and give you trackback credit and notoriety. So submit something. You’ll be glad you did. (Probably not.)
And in additional other news, isn’t it ironic that for someone like me who cannot get through The Ring because scary movies make me crap my pants…is ending up having to see the scary film The Hills Have Eyes tomorrow for an article I’m writing for Wired Magazine. I almost said no for fear of whimpering in a studio screening, but I will bring something to bite down on just in case.
yah, I’m the first one to post. In an effort to remain first, I am going to hit the submit button now!
Comment by Jacquie — January 4, 2006 @ 10:33 pm
I’ve thought about this too. Definitely hold auditions. I just don’t know if there is anyone worthy enough… no person on Earth could ever do podcasts the way you do.
Comment by ginger — January 5, 2006 @ 6:53 am
“… unique and elaborately ironic accidental and Rube Goldberg-esque death occurs (let’s just say it involves flour, a pogo stick, three churros, a limited edition Wizard of Oz collectible plate, four troll eraser head hair guys and fifteen dull plastic lunchroom knives)”
I know someone who died EXACTLY this way!!!
Comment by the swede — January 5, 2006 @ 7:14 am
(Ok, I confess. I don’t know someone who died exactly that way. Sorry for pulling your leg on that one.)
Comment by the swede — January 5, 2006 @ 7:14 am
I said I was sorry! Geez…
Comment by the swede — January 5, 2006 @ 7:14 am
Perhaps you should start a new category of posts which are possible eulogies for yourself in almost any death situation you can imagine? It could be similar to constantly updating your resume.
You could entrust someone to find the appropriate eulogy to post on the front page of WFME once the time comes. Or leave directions on searching the archives and posting for the detectives.
I’d link to your eulogy, for sure.
Comment by Alissa — January 5, 2006 @ 8:07 am
What? You mean you don’t already have your pet monkey write entries for you? I thought that started once the 9rules thing happened.
Comment by monkeyinabox — January 5, 2006 @ 8:11 am
Monkeyinabox - For your information, my pet monkey has moved onto other more exciting opportunities and doesn’t have time (any more) to write posts. Monkeys, man. You can’t ever trust them to stick to their guns.
Comment by Pauly D — January 5, 2006 @ 8:13 am
Up until this I had only worried about no one signing on to trillian and sending a mass im alerting people that I was the sole victim of a tragic incident involving pop rocks and kool-aid.
Now, thanks to you, I realize I have to consider my blog as well. There should be some sort of support group where we have designated online ICD (In-Case-of-Death) buddies. I also like Alissa’s idea.
Comment by sunshine — January 5, 2006 @ 8:25 am
The solution to your problem is defered posting.
Write your eulogy and put in in your blog CMS, set the cateegory to “defered” and then set the entry date for some date in the future and save the draft. Then when that date rolls around it will post automatically.
You don’t want it to be too close because, what if you just get knocked out cold for a few days? We can’t have the readers thinkng you are dead when you are merely unconscious or comatose, can we? Noooo.
Then, each day you just change the deferred date to a day later. After you are actually dead, the eulogy will post.
Comment by spacemonkey — January 5, 2006 @ 8:39 am
Spacemonkey - This is an ingenious idea but problematic at the same time. I won’t know HOW I am going to die. I won’t be able to tell people in the deferred post. Sure, I can write a post about something - but people will want to know the details. They always do. That’s where these bungling/blogging police come into the picture. Even with deferred posts, I still worry they’ll screw up the part of the eulogy that people will want to read.
Comment by Pauly D — January 5, 2006 @ 8:46 am
If a tragedy such as this struck, I would be sure to catch up on your archives and then I would buy your books and then order back orders of WIRED and Mental Floss and I would make a Paul Shrine once I was done reading. After that, I would name my fish Paul Davidson and I would change my blog banner from Jack to Paul and who knows, I might even start calling everyone Paul.
I’m not that obsessed though.
Regardless, please take care of yourself. I just got over mourning Joe.
Comment by Jacquie — January 5, 2006 @ 9:12 am
I think there should be a new reason for people to move to L.A. People who dream of making it, not as actors/actresses but as bloggers for the rich and famous and notoriously witty. “I’m moving to L.A.” they’d say “And I might wait tables for a while until I get my big break as Pauly D’s Blog Understudy. Man, what an honor THAT would be. I get chills just thinking about it.”
There you have it. Blog understudy — career of the future.
Comment by Amber — January 5, 2006 @ 9:17 am
Oh. My. Gosh….
I know what is going to happen: you are going to go see The Hills Have Eyes and it is going to scare you…to DEATH!
Then, this post will have greater meaning. You’ll be remembered as a prophet, and I’ll be recognized as a psychic and I’ll have my own show and make lots of money and live happily ever after. The End.
Comment by Flower Girl — January 5, 2006 @ 9:17 am
Didn’t you know that “only the good die young”? You will probably live a long, long (long) time. UNLESS … we plan your murder together, you go ahead and write the eulogy post ahead of time, I kill you (for a price) and all is good in the blogosphere.
Comment by nic — January 5, 2006 @ 9:20 am
I think you should leave each regular reader a portion of the instructions on how to access your blog and develop a calling or email tree so we can coordinate accessing your post. And, you should have a draft fill-in-the-blank post about your death. Then we’d be able to access it, and we’d use the information from the police (why exactly do we think the police will be involved anyway?) and your family to fill in the missing info.
Problem solved.
Comment by Hilary — January 5, 2006 @ 9:20 am
Dude, you live in L.A. The chances of you already having a friend who carries a gun are pretty high… you just probably don’t realize they’re packing.
And no, it’s not me.
Comment by Keith — January 5, 2006 @ 9:25 am
Hilary - So, sort of like a phone tree kind of thing? I could trust each reader with a sentence from the final eulogy post! Then everyone would get a number like how you take a number at the supermarket deli counter and upon my death everyone would get together in one room with their numbers and their sentences and someone would get online and each person, in order, would read their sentence with the police there to fill in the blanks, and it would be sort of a Mad Libs/Blogging/Deli Counter kind of thing. Great idea!
Keith - Heh. You said packing. I love packing. Except for when my hair gel explodes over everything.
Comment by Pauly D — January 5, 2006 @ 9:27 am
i predict city-wide riots if the LAPD screws this one up. culminating in the collapse of los angeles as we know it.
Comment by meme — January 5, 2006 @ 10:20 am
But wait, I thought the whole point of having a blog was because it would make me IMMORTAL!
Crap!
Comment by EverydaySuperGoddess — January 5, 2006 @ 10:29 am
“Except for when my hair gel explodes over everything.”
This, Pauly, is why you shouldn’t be so tough on those of us who love ziploc bags. We have figured it out.
Comment by the swede — January 5, 2006 @ 10:43 am
hilary’s idea is the best, but i’m pretty sure that you don’t have enough readers that like each other enough to cooperate.
and now that meme’s brought up the possibility of rioting, i’m kinda looking forward to your demise. nothing personal.
Comment by kristine — January 5, 2006 @ 11:02 am
I assume that when I feel my time is nearing that I will just go on and commit suicide. That way I can write the post myself and not have to worry about someone screwing it up. This also opens a lot of doors for interesting content. I mean if I can control the way that I die that’s going to be a lot more interesting than “he passed peacefully in his sleep.” Screw that. I want something like:
Well guys this is it. Time for me to go. I want to let you know that I died jumping naked from a plane with no parachute shortly after getting the words, “Your job sucks” tattooed on my ass just so that the poor shmuck that has to clean up my dead naked remains gets a good laugh. Remember the videocast starts in 34 minutes so tune in.
In fact hell, look at all the content you could make off that. You could get readers to voice opinions and vote on how you’re going to die. You could market t-shirts and bumper stickers up until the time that you kill yourself. I can see it now, someone wearing a t-shirt that says:
I helped Ryan Latham kill himself!
The wheels are starting to turn in my head…I’m going to exploit the hell out of this idea.
Comment by Ryan Latham — January 5, 2006 @ 11:20 am
Pauly. I’ll be first the first with the phone tree, then AL, and we’ll go from there. We can keep it local to LA to make it easier. Just give me some advance notice on when you’re planning to go, k? Thanks!
Comment by Hilary — January 5, 2006 @ 11:55 am
A jubilee, you say? Isn’t that some kind of crazy party?
Comment by Glen — January 5, 2006 @ 2:30 pm
But it’s pauldavidson.net! Surely no other Pauly D matters enough to have their own domain.
Comment by Brian J. Hong — January 5, 2006 @ 3:54 pm
P.S. - pauldavidson.com, pauldavidson.biz, and pauldavidson.xxx are all available for purchase.
Comment by Brian J. Hong — January 5, 2006 @ 3:55 pm
I would vote for the twelve-churro salute, but I think you deserve a full baker’s dozen.
Comment by Rabbit — January 5, 2006 @ 6:06 pm
I certainly hope you’re not eating the churros on the limited-edition collectible Wizard of Oz plate. That’s what the limited-edition collectible Chico and The Man plate is for.
P.S. I just took pauldavidson.xxx - thought you should know. I’m trying to expand my porn empire one blogger at a time.
Comment by T. Malone — January 5, 2006 @ 9:35 pm
Doh! Malone!
Comment by Pauly D — January 5, 2006 @ 9:35 pm
Why don’t you write your only eulogy and keep it frozen somewhere, just like Walt Disney? This way when the day comes, somewhere in the distant future, that you do indeed die…we can just go and defrost what you wanted to say.
Comment by Janet — January 6, 2006 @ 2:59 am
…i am thinking the cop that aces that audition should also have his own blog and huge following, so that you can get double hits when he mentions his guest post about your death on his site.
Comment by Sarcomical — January 6, 2006 @ 7:41 am