The Pocket-Filler Factor
January 2nd, 2006
Do you believe in reincarnation?
If you do, like me, then you probably have no problem believing that a good portion of people walking around these days used to be kangaroos due to all the crap they carry around in their pockets. Then again, if you don’t believe in reincarnation, there’s only one other reason for people stuffing their pockets with everything from change to old receipts…
They’re mentally unbalanced pocket-fillers.
I don’t often like to generalize, but in this case it’s pretty easy to do so. For what sane person, on the way out their front door, decides to stuff their pockets with so many extra unnecessary items that it makes them look like they’re bulging at the seams.
What sane person, I ask you, thinks to themselves that if they don’t take fifty dollars in change and a box of mints and a small AAA battery and toenail clippers and a USB keychain flash drive and a hair clip and a travel size bottle of gel and a small collapsing cup and toothbrush and a wallet and keys…that they’re going to be missing out. What internal psychotic mentality forces them to load up their two front pockets with crap after loading up their back pockets with wallets, folded directions from an online map service, spare buttons and thread and a travel game of Parchesi?
Pathetic pocket-fillers are one step away from being homeless.
If you run into the Walking Around With Jingling Change, Pocket-Filler know that their chances of being homeless are low on the overall pocket-filler scale. While the jingling can get annoying, and change always seems to be falling on the ground every time they sit down — they often live in apartments that have quarter-fed laundry machines. Still, the jingling can be grating.
But if you run into the Two Pockets Filled With Crap, Pocket-Filler or the Four Pockets Filled With Crap And Old Worn Slips of Paper Sticking Out Of The Top Of Their Pockets, Pocket-Filler you have to start wondering why they just don’t quit their job and put all their crap in a shopping cart. Because people who secretly stuff their pockets to the brim are the same people who like to tell you over and over again that everything they own can fit in their car.
They’ll longingly look into the sky and say, “Man, I remember when I could fit everything I ever owned into the back of my car. That was awesome!” And then, of course, you’ll see them days later with their pockets filled to maximum capacity. And in an attempt to continue providing classic mathematical equations to communicate my points, I give you this:
Pack Rat + Mental Pyschosis + Pocket Filling = Homeless
So if you’re the kind of person who fills up your pocket on the way outta the house or you’re the kind of person who feels the urge to stuff half a piece of bread, a single-serving packet of mayo, two super balls, a lizard keychain, lip balm, chewing gum, a plug adapter for the UK, money from another country, a small washcloth, a pair of tweezers, an old money clip and your laminated membership card to Speed Zone all in your pockets before you go to the gym…
You may have a problem.
If you’re the kind of person who reviles revels in the fact that you can fit half the contents of your home office desk drawers into your jeans before you leave the house… Or the kind of person who salivates when A&F is selling pants that have sixteen pockets on them… Or the kind of person who loves ziploc bags…
You may be a pocket-filler quickly on the road to being a psychotic homeless person living in a box in an alley, down the street from a Chinese restaurant…all the while having your entire life’s possessions in a nearby supermarket cart.
If that doesn’t scare you, well, all I have to say is that you can find really great cardboard boxes behind your local supermarket or at the Public Storage down the street.
Tell ‘em you’re a pocket-filler. They’ll know exactly what to do with you.
I am typically not a pocket-filler. Anything that winds up in my jeans pockets will not be seen again until it accidentally goes through the wash.
Comment by Rabbit — January 2, 2006 @ 10:25 am
I used to be a pocket-filler. But then Santa brought me a back-pack, and now I’m a back-pack-filler. That means I can bring my travel game of Parchesi AND my travel battleship anywhere I go.
ROCKIN!!
Comment by Star Effer — January 2, 2006 @ 10:29 am
I am totally offended by your references to homeless people. Shame on you, Pauly. When you are homeless, each and every little thing you own becomes very important to you. Luckily, you don’t know this firsthand.
Peace.
Comment by nic — January 2, 2006 @ 10:57 am
Heh. This is mostly a guy thing, I would guess. The feminine equivalent: pocketbook-over-stuffers.
Comment by annabel lee — January 2, 2006 @ 10:58 am
Nic - In fact, you totally misunderstood my point. I’m saying that there are people out there who think of the homeless lifestyle as appealing! To pocket-fillers, such a lifestyle, on the road, no roots, all your possessions in one place — they love it.
It’s not for me, but still.
Comment by Pauly D — January 2, 2006 @ 11:02 am
I’m a purse-stuffer. And preferably my purse has lots of pockets (so that I can organize).
Sigh. I’m a total shlepper. There are so many little things I might need…
Comment by the swede — January 2, 2006 @ 11:13 am
It’s not your fault you are mentally psychotic, Mr. Pot-calling-the-kettle-black.
Comment by nic — January 2, 2006 @ 11:37 am
Thank you Nic for bringing some much needed somberness to this shamelessly happy site.
When I woke up this morning, I said to myself “What I need is some pickle up my ass and Words For My Enjoyment is just the place to go!” Normally that would’ve been a desperately flawed rationale, but luckily you were there with your abysmal lack of humor!
Now, please get over to The Onion — they’re making jokes there too!!
Comment by Star Effer — January 2, 2006 @ 11:41 am
Get over it.
Comment by nic — January 2, 2006 @ 11:51 am
Hi, I’m Smoog, and I am an unapologetic pocket-filler. I have the memory of developmentally delayed goldfish: if I carry anything on my person that is not in some way semi-permanently affixed to said person, it will be misplaced. I have lost more pairs of sunglasses and umbrellas than would seem humanly possible. I could probably have bought a house by now with the money I’ve spent on replacement brollies. I tried wallets for a while, but the whole wallet needs to be removed from a pocket before anything can be removed from the wallet, and that means separation. In other words, it was an experiment in miserable failure, so I embraced pocket-filling wholeheartedly. My pockets are in my coat, my coat is on my person, and my brain-surgery-induced short-term memory loss would have to be reinforced with a brick to the head before I forget my coat in -15C weather. OK, sure, I have a map of Duluth and roll of duct tape in my pocket. At one point, I needed a map of Duluth and a roll of duct tape in my pocket. I just keep forgetting to take them out.
Comment by Smoog — January 2, 2006 @ 11:59 am
Smoog, at least you have a very valid excuse for forgetting umbrellas and such. For me it’s just downright embarrassing, and my friends have actually come to expect me to leave things in bars, taxis, buses, etc.
I have on several occasions even left my over-stuffed purse in very public places and not realized it until I’m home (once that meant I was an hour long car ride away from the restaurant where I left my purse on the floor under the table).
Maybe I should consider a garment with lots of roomy pockets after all… I like your theory, Smoog.
Comment by the swede — January 2, 2006 @ 12:27 pm
Just saw a commercial for a purse organizer. It’s a pouch you put into your purse to make all your things neat and orderly. So, what do you think the people that have these were in a past life? Were they Kangaroos with OCD? Maybe beavers or pack rats or chipmunks? I sure as hell am not buying one of those, even for the low price of $19.99. So, I would like to think that I was a koala in a past life. Cuz all they do is eat, sleep and swing. I like it.
Comment by Jacynth — January 2, 2006 @ 12:37 pm
It’s all good in theory, but what do you do if you’re at the movies or shopping in the mall and you feel like a can of Green Giant creamed corn? What are you going to do unless you’re carrying around that can in your side pants pocket… like I always do?
Comment by Neil — January 2, 2006 @ 1:32 pm
“Or the kind of person who loves ziploc bags…”
I LOVE Ziploc bags. When I travel, I pack pretty much everything separately in these nifty little self-sealers. That way I don’t have to worry about leaking shampoo and/or food in my suitcase (note to Pauly: my shampoo, however, does not smell like food). It’s also very convenient at airports - let’s just say the security personnel seem impressed when I’m pretty much able to empty out my entire carry-on into those trays they have (or maybe they’re just snickering behind my back, I’m not entirely sure on this one).
Hey, Paul, I resent that you’re suggesting I’m psychotic…
Comment by the swede — January 2, 2006 @ 3:04 pm
Neil - I’ve seen you before out there…pockets filled with canned goods. You’re the reason I wrote this post, FYI.
Comment by Pauly D — January 2, 2006 @ 3:05 pm
pauly - the USB flash drive is WAY too critical to be in your list of insane pocket fillers! so much data in such a small package!!!
to the swede - I am totally with you on packing in ziploc bags. long live ziploc!
oh, and ps to pauly - revels, not reviles
Comment by jg — January 2, 2006 @ 3:46 pm
“Maybe I should consider a garment with lots of roomy pockets after all.”
Swede - think “Hammer Pants”.
Comment by Smoog — January 2, 2006 @ 5:27 pm
I’m sorry, Neil. But nothing creamed should ever be riding around in a man’s pants. That’s just sick. Ick.
Comment by Lynn — January 2, 2006 @ 6:14 pm
All I know is, give me a clean pair of cargo shorts and a drawer full of junk, and I’m a happy boy. BTW, what is it called if I like to stuff my pockets with spare change AND flash drives, canned-food and travel boardgames? Is there a separate designation for this?
Comment by Star Effer — January 2, 2006 @ 6:18 pm
Remember those V8 commercials where if they didn’t drink their V8 they’d walk around all sideways? Maybe their off-kilterness is nothing a little tomato juice with a kick can’t cure.
Comment by Janet — January 2, 2006 @ 7:41 pm
AAAAHHH this post makes me sad.
Comment by mel — January 2, 2006 @ 8:21 pm
Mel - Why does it make you sad? Are your pockets filled with crap?
Comment by Pauly D — January 2, 2006 @ 9:08 pm
Speaking of pockets, loose change and homeless people, I was in Penn Station walking down a deserted corridor to get to a restroom and I had to pass by a homeless woman. I was wearing a coat that had seen better days, especially the pockets where apparently I had put some change which fell into the lining of the coat. This made the coat “jingle” with the change as I walked. It was stuck in the lining, I couldn’t get it out. As I was “jingling” down the corridor of the station I passed by the homeless woman who asked me if I had any change. I had to say no, because it was stuck in my coat. But I would have given her all of my change, really Nic I would have, if I could have gotten to it.
Comment by Rachel — January 2, 2006 @ 9:10 pm
You could have given her the coat… Then she would be warmer, have something to do (trying to get the change out), and get the change!
Comment by Cecko — January 2, 2006 @ 9:21 pm
Damn, now I really feel horrible.
Comment by Rachel — January 2, 2006 @ 9:35 pm
Wow, Pauly. Thank you for saving me while there was still time. Actually, I used to have this coat that had huge side pockets and as I ran out the door to my destination, I would grab all the last minute stuff and fill my pockets, just in case. Until they couldn’t take it anymore and then I got holes in them… so I can definitely see the homeless connection.
Anyway, you never cease to amaze me with your topics. Not only do you come up with some really good ones but then you write something interesting about it. You’re my hero
Your reformed pocket pal.
Comment by Jacquie — January 2, 2006 @ 9:45 pm
If your pockets are full of stuff, where are you supposed to put your hands? Egads!
Comment by monkeyinabox — January 3, 2006 @ 4:40 pm