It’s over, okay?
When a holiday comes but once a year but then comes every single year after the year in question, you have one day and one day only in which to discuss said holiday, wish others said holiday’s greetings and smile and joyously tout the greatness of your once a year holiday extravaganza.
But as of today…you shouldn’t be able to do that anymore.
I can determine what’s in that box without opening it whatsoever.
On today, a glorious day where people sit around tall brush, stuff their stomachs to the point of sickness and rip at boxes covered in processed, patterned and colored-versions of the brush standing above them, I stand alone as the man with the plan…the dude with the ‘tude…and the guy with the rocks to refrain from opening a box…
All because I can determine what’s inside of it without opening it whatsoever.
What’s more for your enjoyment than a happy holiday?
That’s why I’d like to take today to wish each and every one of you the best 2005 holiday season, filled with joy, happiness, family, friends, food, candy, presents and good cheer from me and my twelve other multiple personalities here at WFME.
Which, at the same time, makes me wonder just how much happier my holiday would be if I did (really) have twelve multiple personalities that all my friends and family couldn’t deny. They would include:
You can just call me The Generalizationalizer.
Yes, you can also call me Mr. The Generalizationalizer, Mr. TG, Mr. G, Mr. Generalization-izzle, Mizzuh G, Senor G and any other shorter or longer nickname you prefer. What you call me, honestly, has no bearing on the job that I will do as The Generalizationalizer [insert echo sound here].
But when you witness my generalizations, you will be wowed into submission.
During your first experience with me, The Generalizationalizer, I would treat you to my trademark first time conversation. This is where I will generally wow you with my mad generalization skillz for free…then will tell you what I charge for future conversations that involve my generalizations. Yes, it’s what drug dealers do — so why, too, can Senor G not take part in such practices as well?
We all have to do it.
We see a basket filled with “fruit” and we immediately ask the people around us, “Hey, is this fake fruit or real fruit?”. No, we don’t ask it of fruit we find in fridges, of course. But I would guarantee you that 8 out of 10 people who walk past a basket or bowl of fruit will ask this question within two minutes of coming in contact with a bowl of fruit.
It’s a problem, I think, that has a much deeper meaning.