Today’s Prognosis on Balloon Animals

There’s a reason why America is falling behind the rest of the world.

There’s a reason why the children of the United States are often less educated, more oblivious, extremely stupid, fantastically fantasy-driven, unrealistic, unmotivated and completely uninterested in bettering themselves for the betterment of a better country, better-or-not.

And it can all be traced to balloon animals.

Go to a birthday party in America and tell me what you see. Children, wide-eyed, staring vacantly at clowns and other silly adult-like figures turning their faces red (and potentially giving themselves hernias) as they try to blow air into a long, narrow piece of rubber. Gazing, almost trance-like, as stupid adults twist and turn the rods of colorful death (as I like to call them) into a limited list of six very uninspiring, uncreative, unmotivational objects that include (and ARE limited to):

  • a dog
  • a sword
  • a hat with tall feather-like rod
  • a horse
  • hat version 2.0 with bulbous front circle thingie
  • the ‘four-legged, head-twisted’ esser (where esser refers to the S-sound that refers to the air which is slowly seeping out cause stupid adult balloon twister has punctured the balloon in question while trying to twist it into a four legged something)

Go to a birthday party in any other country across this great globe of ours and find children engaged in a variety of far more intelligent scenarios, ones that challenge and encourage them to learn (like pin the tail on the mathetmatical equation or thermonuclear atom smashing for kids!) while having fun all at the same time. In fact, most children’s birthday party experts will tell you that America’s versions of children’s birthday parties and creative-encouragement outlets are far more pedestrian than any other country’s on the face of the Earth.

The twisting of balloon animals as a way to entertain children is a practice that is indirectly causing our population to become blathering, drooling, four-legged head-twisted essers without us ever knowing that it’s happening right before our very eyes.

That is why, at first, my prognosis on balloon animals was going to be very very very bad. So bad, that I was actually going to take pictures of people making balloon animals and add subliminal messages to each of these images, distribute them to elementary schools across the country and start a Greenpeace-like movement (i.e. extremely slow, and the laughing stock of movements worldwide) to eradicate balloon twisters where they train, work and live.

And then it hit me.

The darkness was illuminated by the lightness. The dumbness eradicated by the smartness. The ballooness of the subject matter contained herein and almost negated by the smartness was soon no longer as smart as the dumbness originally thought it should be. There was music and dancing in the streets as the heavens opened up and revealed to me the one very important reason for never again speaking ill about the practice that is balloon animal twisting…

That awesome squeaky, plastic-rubbing-against-plastic, twisting bounce-back girdle-vibrating, on-the-edge of your seat kind of “is it going to pop” excitement-like frenetic sound that never ends and gives everyone around the balloon twister the kind of headache and post traumatic stress disorder like symptoms… Well, it will train all of us to withstand the most annoying elements of our world.

Because if you can handle the above aforementioned sound…you can handle anything.

And knowing that the most annoying part of living as a human being in a modern society such as this one is the fact that we must come in contact with and be able to handle a constant barrage of annoying, repetitive sounds — makes me realize that America is waaaaay smarter than any of these other countries in that we are being trained, at a very early age, to handle that which could be our ultimate undoing…someday.

Balloon animals will be our saving grace and the reason for our ultimate triumph in today’s world of corporate greed, insurmountable odds and really annoying screeching devices, air conditioning fans, automobile carburetors and people.

Long live balloon animals!

Their time has come.

27 comments on “Today’s Prognosis on Balloon Animals

  1. Kevin - December 29, 2005 at 7:16 am -

    Furthers my personal belief that clowns are the epitome of evil. They are the creators of this meager “art” after all.

    “thermonuclear atom smashing for kids”… I had a cousin once who did this at his birthday party. It was his eighth birthday, back on April 26, 1986. I couldn’t make it to the party, though. A bit much to ask my parents to put me on a flight to some small, no-name town a bit north of Kiev, Ukraine, when you’re only 11 years old.

    In hindsight…

  2. the swede - December 29, 2005 at 7:17 am -

    Pauly, you’re such a freak. I mean that in the best possible way.

  3. Wendi - December 29, 2005 at 7:18 am -

    i’ll start my balloon training right away!!!

  4. kristne - December 29, 2005 at 7:20 am -

    interesting theory. though, i still can’t tolerate them primarily because of their close relationship with the clown. what does that mean for me?

    i’m here to urge you to stick with the greenpeace-like movement idea. though, i hope that involves more of you climbing skyscrapers to hang some anti-balloon flag than passing some secret-coded pictures.

    think it over and have your people call mine.

  5. Flower Girl - December 29, 2005 at 7:58 am -

    Ever since seeing Capturing the Friedmans, clowns and balloon animals have creeped me out more than ever. You can have my share of balloon animals…

  6. Pauly D - December 29, 2005 at 8:10 am -

    FG – Balloon animals are freaky, but after taking this journey today in the writing of this post I can wholeheartedly say that I think the freakishness is preparing Americans for a future filled with freaks.

    And that’s a good thing.

  7. Flower Girl - December 29, 2005 at 8:35 am -

    I fear for the freaky future of humankind.

    And that picture accompanying your post is going to give me nightmares…

  8. Jeff Wheeler - December 29, 2005 at 8:51 am -

    Earlier this year, I was at my favorite Pizza restaurant (oh, how I love the Deep Dish at Mangias!), and there was a balloon-animal-twister. He made an extraordinarily creative and scientific balloon animal. It was in the form of a double-helix (that’s the scientific part), with two balls inside (one per helix), which you had to try and get to opposite sides of the double-helix without ever squeezing it.

    It was hard. 🙁

  9. sandra - December 29, 2005 at 9:30 am -

    Balloon animals are a bit distressing to me for two reasons:

    1. I have a head that isn’t quite as large as the kid in So I Married An Axe Murderer…but it’s also larger than your average bear’s. Often, balloon hats don’t fit me. Which, although I have no wish to wear them regularly, can be a bummer.

    2. In San Francisco, there is a freaky set of children who — accompanied by their parents — travel from bar to bar, making balloon thingys for drunken idiots. The children (one’s 7 or 8 and one’s about 10, I think — am horrible with kidlet age estimation) are like Stepford Salespeople. They talk like caricatures of people who have been in sales for years…and frankly, it scares me.

    (I hear you on the freakish = good, though)

  10. nic - December 29, 2005 at 9:49 am -

    I don’t see how a balloon could possibly be a bad thing.
    They make me happy just to think about them.
    Red ones and blue ones and yellow and green!
    I love balloons.
    Alot.
    Balloooooons!
    Ba-ba-balloons!
    Yay!

  11. nic - December 29, 2005 at 10:42 am -

    Maybe I shoudln’t be drinkign doulbes this early.

  12. Rachel - December 29, 2005 at 1:43 pm -

    When I was about 5 or 6 the scariest things to me were balloons that might pop, clowns because they had the balloons, the UPS truck and dogs.

    If a clown driving a UPS truck had ever delivered a balloon dog to my house I would have died on the spot.

  13. subgirl - December 29, 2005 at 2:24 pm -

    awww i like balloon animals. actually, i hate the sound that squishing ballons makes. hehe.

  14. Pauly D - December 29, 2005 at 2:45 pm -

    Rachel – Clowns in UPS trucks would be the quickest way to give FedEx the ultimate slamdown corporate win.

  15. Star Effer - December 29, 2005 at 3:47 pm -

    i had a dream once that a giant evil laughing clown twisted me and my family into balloon animal versions of ourselves (I was a tarantula). Then he took a sharp pin and started chasing us down a long hotel hallway, like the one in The Shining, laughing and screaming at us.

    i woke up before he could pop me.

  16. Janet - December 29, 2005 at 4:26 pm -

    One day, mark my words, they will trace it all to helium.

  17. Pauly D - December 29, 2005 at 4:35 pm -

    Star Effer – That wasn’t a dream.

    Janet – Either you work for the FDA the CIA or the FBI… Or your knowledge is both eerie and accurate all at the same time. You choose.

  18. Glen - December 29, 2005 at 6:32 pm -

    Oh, you mean an annoying noise kind of like the scrolly wheel thing on my mouse when I read your site?

  19. Lynn - December 29, 2005 at 7:15 pm -

    This reminds me of a picnic a previous employer of mine hosted for its employees one year. We were all encouraged to bring our spouses and children. There were tons of games for kids, and the whole thing was sickeningly family-friendly.

    Except for the balloons a clown was making. My husband and I could not believe what we were seeing: one child after another running past us wielding enormous, bright-colored penises.

    Long penises with really hefty sets of balls. The kids were fighting each other with them, which I guess means they were cock fighting. Some were holding them with two hands, out in front of themselves, perpen“dick”ular to their bodies. Even the little girls.

    Although my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing, we were scarred by the experience. I can’t imagine the issues those poor kids will have someday.

  20. Brian J. Hong - December 29, 2005 at 10:38 pm -

    Balloon animals are scary because I cannot stand the sound they make. That and the sound of styrofoam.

    I went to Universal Citywalk last week and it was scary because not only was everyone an orthodox Jew that day, but everyone was an orthodox Jew headbanging and yelling at a concert!

    Oh yeah, and there were like 6 balloon animal artists that day too.

  21. Pauly D - December 29, 2005 at 10:40 pm -

    Brian – Most Orthodox Jews like balloon animals.

  22. Brian J. Hong - December 29, 2005 at 10:42 pm -

    Is that so? I had no idea.

  23. T. Malone - December 29, 2005 at 11:24 pm -

    Oh man! You hit the balloon nail on the ballon head with that one. I commute to work on the train. At the end of a long work day, I like to sit and chill with my iPod. But twice a month we get “Balloon Animal Kid” – he runs through each car and makes balloon animals for people (for a small “donation”).

    I CAN HEAR THE SQUEEKING OVER MY FRIGGIN’ iPOD!!!

    Thank you for showing me that this isn’t torture, instead it’s an opportunity to better myself. Next month I’ll only punch him once.

  24. Ivy the Goober - December 30, 2005 at 4:19 am -

    This reminds me of the time a balloon clown was making hats for the kids at a restaurant. We knew he’d make them for free, but hoped for tips. Not having a dollar, we sent my daughter over to join the crowd with a 5. I think she was about 4 or 5 years old. She walked back across the place to us, cutting across the dance floor, and had a HUGE hat that was like a multi-colored 20 ballon monstrosity. It was at least two feet taller than any of the other hats. Poor baby, as she walked back to our table, people were pointing and smiling all the way and when she got back to us we burst out laughing.

  25. Jerk Of All Trades - December 30, 2005 at 4:29 am -

    Hiya Paul, thanks for stopping by my blog! I wasn’t bragging about seeing DIO, I was just sayin that I’ve seen him. Oddly enough, I HAVE seen Winger. (shudder) I’m not bragging about that either.

    Can I link you, or do I have to buy a book first?

  26. Neil - December 30, 2005 at 6:41 am -

    I’ve never seen anyone make a hat before out of a balloon. Where can I see this being done? This is my new New Year’s resolution — to learn how to do that.

  27. […] That’s why, today on WFME — we would like to officially state our opinion that the prognosis on soup in a bread bowl is very very very bad. Yes, worse than line-stander asker holders. Worse than balloon animals. Far worse than sweating and extremely utterly far worse than thank you notes. Yes, soup in a bread bowl has the worst prognosis in the history of WFME. […]

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