There’s a reason why America is falling behind the rest of the world.
There’s a reason why the children of the United States are often less educated, more oblivious, extremely stupid, fantastically fantasy-driven, unrealistic, unmotivated and completely uninterested in bettering themselves for the betterment of a better country, better-or-not.
And it can all be traced to balloon animals.
Go to a birthday party in America and tell me what you see. Children, wide-eyed, staring vacantly at clowns and other silly adult-like figures turning their faces red (and potentially giving themselves hernias) as they try to blow air into a long, narrow piece of rubber. Gazing, almost trance-like, as stupid adults twist and turn the rods of colorful death (as I like to call them) into a limited list of six very uninspiring, uncreative, unmotivational objects that include (and ARE limited to):
- a dog
- a sword
- a hat with tall feather-like rod
- a horse
- hat version 2.0 with bulbous front circle thingie
- the ‘four-legged, head-twisted’ esser (where esser refers to the S-sound that refers to the air which is slowly seeping out cause stupid adult balloon twister has punctured the balloon in question while trying to twist it into a four legged something)
Go to a birthday party in any other country across this great globe of ours and find children engaged in a variety of far more intelligent scenarios, ones that challenge and encourage them to learn (like pin the tail on the mathetmatical equation or thermonuclear atom smashing for kids!) while having fun all at the same time. In fact, most children’s birthday party experts will tell you that America’s versions of children’s birthday parties and creative-encouragement outlets are far more pedestrian than any other country’s on the face of the Earth.
The twisting of balloon animals as a way to entertain children is a practice that is indirectly causing our population to become blathering, drooling, four-legged head-twisted essers without us ever knowing that it’s happening right before our very eyes.
That is why, at first, my prognosis on balloon animals was going to be very very very bad. So bad, that I was actually going to take pictures of people making balloon animals and add subliminal messages to each of these images, distribute them to elementary schools across the country and start a Greenpeace-like movement (i.e. extremely slow, and the laughing stock of movements worldwide) to eradicate balloon twisters where they train, work and live.
And then it hit me.
The darkness was illuminated by the lightness. The dumbness eradicated by the smartness. The ballooness of the subject matter contained herein and almost negated by the smartness was soon no longer as smart as the dumbness originally thought it should be. There was music and dancing in the streets as the heavens opened up and revealed to me the one very important reason for never again speaking ill about the practice that is balloon animal twisting…
That awesome squeaky, plastic-rubbing-against-plastic, twisting bounce-back girdle-vibrating, on-the-edge of your seat kind of “is it going to pop” excitement-like frenetic sound that never ends and gives everyone around the balloon twister the kind of headache and post traumatic stress disorder like symptoms… Well, it will train all of us to withstand the most annoying elements of our world.
Because if you can handle the above aforementioned sound…you can handle anything.
And knowing that the most annoying part of living as a human being in a modern society such as this one is the fact that we must come in contact with and be able to handle a constant barrage of annoying, repetitive sounds — makes me realize that America is waaaaay smarter than any of these other countries in that we are being trained, at a very early age, to handle that which could be our ultimate undoing…someday.
Balloon animals will be our saving grace and the reason for our ultimate triumph in today’s world of corporate greed, insurmountable odds and really annoying screeching devices, air conditioning fans, automobile carburetors and people.
Long live balloon animals!
Their time has come.