You can just call me The Generalizationalizer.
Yes, you can also call me Mr. The Generalizationalizer, Mr. TG, Mr. G, Mr. Generalization-izzle, Mizzuh G, Senor G and any other shorter or longer nickname you prefer. What you call me, honestly, has no bearing on the job that I will do as The Generalizationalizer [insert echo sound here].
But when you witness my generalizations, you will be wowed into submission.
During your first experience with me, The Generalizationalizer, I would treat you to my trademark first time conversation. This is where I will generally wow you with my mad generalization skillz for free…then will tell you what I charge for future conversations that involve my generalizations. Yes, it’s what drug dealers do — so why, too, can Senor G not take part in such practices as well?
The minute I unload upon you the fact that all ice chewers are sexually frustrated will be the minute your eyes will go wide with wonder. You will try to wrap your head around my generalization, but you will not be able to. It will ring true. It will be a stunning moment where you look into my brown eyes (which were blue when I was born, just like every other baby born in the world today) and realize that for a person who never thought such generalizations could sound right, that indeed they were. You will be a believer in all things Mr. Generalizationalizer-isimoismesque…yeah.
And that’s about the time you’ll ask me just what it costs to hear more of my generalizations.
The price packs are varied and setup for different groups of people in different financial brackets. Obviously, people who live on the East and West Coasts will have to pay the most ($2199 for the initial fee) as they are all educated and rich folk who throw away their money on stupid electronics, real estate and drugs (whenever their lawyer/neighbor has any blow left from those poor clients of his who got tossed into the slammer). For people in the South, the cost goes down to around $1999, due to the fact that Southerners spend most of their money on beer and pretty frilly outfits for catillions and coming out parties and such — so as a caring person I went ahead and lowered the cost for them. For the rest of the poor folk living everywhere but the east coast, west coast and the south…the cost for my services range somewhere between $49.99 and a used drug needle. That’s right — all you poor folk who don’t have cash can just pony up your old drug needles and yours truly will do the right thing. And people without drug needles, well…we can talk.
The thing is, I’m willing to make it work for everyone, no matter their situation.
Price packs aside, our very first paid conversation would involve me informing you that pennies are the most useless piece of currency on the face of the Earth. As The Generalizationalizer, I would open your eyes to the fact that no one uses pennies anymore except for old retired folks who eat dinner at 4pm early bird diner locations. I would show you how most bank tellers who have to deal with old folks bringing by their rolls of pennies often speak horribly of said referenced penny-roll holding, early-bird dinner attending old folks after they leave the bank establishment… And that, generally, anyone who comes across a penny on the street will leave it there because no one cares about the penny anymore. Not even the government. If they did, those fat cats with their intern-adultery and behind-the-scenes bribe sessions would do something about pennies and get them off the streets.
After your first session with The Generalizationalizer you would probably look at me and say something like, “Wow, I never expected you to be this smart!”
Of course, I would simply point to the glasses I was wearing and tell you how all guys who wear glasses are smart, and although I might be a tad smarter than most glass-wearing smart people…that the fact of the matter is…all glass wearing folk (including those who wear bifocals, who are even smarter than normal glass wearing folk) are all pretty much college graduates, make over $100,000 a year, and often like to talk about politics and do those really complicated Jumble puzzles in the paper. They also read The New York Times and The New Yorker and they even get those comics in The New Yorker. Yes, I’d say — us spectacle wearing smart folk will be the only ones left after Armageddon since we’ll have figured out a way to survive the flames of Hell. (Although, FYI — all Jews and Christians according to all Muslims deserve to be in Hell anyway.)
The sessions to follow would grow more entertaining and more intellectually stimulating (you’d be wearing glasses by now, FYI) by the second. I’d lay out the proof for why all rock stars can get anyone into bed that they want. I’d show you why all dogs go to Heaven. I’d explain the reasons for Calamine lotion being better than all other lotions in the handling of bug bites and poison ivy. We’d talk at length about how most people are cheap, most women are gold-diggers and most bees don’t care about dying if they sting you — they just want to sting you because that’s what their instinct tells them to do.
We’d talk about how football jocks from midwest states who never went to college are great at doing those Home Depot At-Home projects. We’d lament over the fact that all reality show TV contestants will never become famous actors. I’d make sure you knew that Nixon was a crook, JFK was a ladies’ man and that every single President since the creation of this independent country of ours has at one point or another lied to us about something.
The Generalizationalizer would amaze, astound and ascertain just what you’d be ready for next.
Would I break out the fact that people who pull their white socks (with striped color at the top) all the way up to their knees are hard core nerds? Would I reveal to you the fact that most men who wear baseball hats are going bald? Would I really hunker down for a cold winter’s night and uncover the fact that most people who still believe in Santa Claus are either under the age of 10 or living in a secure mental facility with enabled electric fences?
I don’t know about you, but if you’re still reading this post at this point you’re probably sitting at home with nothing to do anyway and hardly any friends whatsoever and because of that you will eagerly cough up any amount of money to be a part of such a program like this. In fact, after you’re done ordering that limited edition candy dish off QVC, come back here and be sure to order up your own personal experience with The Generalizationalizer. I mean, all bloggers have no lives anyway. Why not buy a life for yourself once and for all?
You’ll be glad you did. (Or, not. Since most people who spend money on stuff like this are only doing it to fill a void in their lives, which are mostly lonely and depressing, and you probably already realized that after you bought that $2000 Sony Aibo robotic dog in an attempt to acquire a pal who didn’t require real food and water.)
The fact of the matter is this. As The Generalizationalizer, I get paid to, um, generally tell the truth. And telling the truth is what I’m going to do. No matter if it means hurting your feelings (yes, if you eat at McDonald’s you will be fat) or hurting the feelings of your best friend (who is obviously sleeping with your significant other behind your back, like all best friends do) or the feelings of your father (who, yeah, never gave you love and that’s why you’re stripping now to make money or why you have that lack of self-confidence). I am here to be honest, be clear and generally generalize absolutely everything that I can think of in return for cold hard cash.
It might as well be me.