We all have to do it.
We see a basket filled with “fruit” and we immediately ask the people around us, “Hey, is this fake fruit or real fruit?”. No, we don’t ask it of fruit we find in fridges, of course. But I would guarantee you that 8 out of 10 people who walk past a basket or bowl of fruit will ask this question within two minutes of coming in contact with a bowl of fruit.
It’s a problem, I think, that has a much deeper meaning.
Before I get into the real meaning of the faux-bowl of fruit, let me first break down how people observe and determine whether or not they’re going to ask the ultimate question as previously typewritten above. In order for an everyday American (I can’t vouch for Europeans or Pierce) to decide to vocalize such a question, a bowl of fruit must contain the following items:
- At least two apples
- A pear
- Grapes (dark or light green)
- A lemon
- And two bananas (still attached) and laid on top at an angle
If the basket in question contains the above items, you can expect someone will start gearing up for THE ULTIMATE QUESTION. But include a kiwi or an orange or some dates or something obscure with spiky spikes in there and the question will never be asked (so be aware of this fact if you enjoy the practice of forcing others to ask THE QUESTION out of some mean-spirited goal).
Almost always, of course, before the “is that real fruit?” question is thrown out to you, the potential-askers-in-question will often feel the fruit. Most people will go for the grapes first because as everyone knows there are two very big differences between real grapes and faux grapes… Real grapes juice when you squeeze them. Fake grapes let out smelly faux-fruit shots of air.
But a lot of people don’t want to be “that girl or guy” who goes up and squeezes fake grapes just based on the fact that it immediately reveals them as being someone who isn’t sure whether or not the fruit is fake. This, of course, can make one look bad in the eyes of others. And sometimes, there ARE NO grapes. What then?
Sometimes, people will pick up the apples or the pears and sniff them. They’ll do that up/down shaking thing with their hand to test the weight of said potentially-faux fruit. Everyone’s got a test they perform so they don’t have to ask the question. They’ll pretend they’re sniffing the fruit and while it’s pressed up against their mouth at an angle where you can’t see their mouth, they’ll push their two front teeth into the fruit just to see if juice comes out.
Sometimes all they get is a waxy build-up and THE QUESTION will never have to be asked. But other times, the illusion of fruity-moisture fills their nostrils and the confusion just builds.
“Is this real or fake fruit?” they’ll finally ask you.
The thing is — for what reason does anyone need to have fake fruit on their table? On their countertop? In their living room? I mean, really — what is the internal monologue we have with ourselves that helps us make the decision to include a fake bowl of fruit in our lives?
“Hey, internal self! You know, I was thinking… People love fruit. And if people see that I love fruit, maybe they’ll love me too. And if people who love fruit, see that I love fruit too, maybe they’ll love me just as much as they love fruit. And if people who love fruit see that I love fruit and love me more because of the fact that they love fruit, then they’ll probably do me tons of favors and help me out. And if they help me out, my life will be better. And if my life is better, I’ll be happier. And if I’m happier, I’ll have no problems. And if I have no problems, well, I’ll finally be able to tell that annoying guy at work that on “The Happy Scale” of 1 to 10 — I am finally a 10. And if all it takes to reach a 10 on the Happy Scale of Life is me getting a basket of fruit into my house, then I will do it. But if I don’t want that 10 to be short lived, then I should have fruit in my house all the time. And fruit goes bad, so… So I have to have fake fruit. Fake fruit is the way to be happy. Yeah, that’s the ticket.”
I think you’ll agree that there’s no real reason to have fake fruit. If you really need fruit in your house and you really want people to see the fruit in the house (why else do you put it in a room-temperature bowl or basket) then put real fruit out. Yes, the fruit will eventually go bad — and that’s when you…wait for it…it’s coming…
Buy fresh fruit.
The only people who have fake fruit in their house are painters (and I’m not a fan of painters who use fake fruit as the subjects in their work), people who are too cheap to buy real fruit and those who like to make you look stupid by forcing you to have to ask THE QUESTION because they have no grapes in their faux-fruit basket in an attempt to force you to do the one thing you vowed from the day of your high school graduation that you would never do.
Ask the question.
So, the next time you go into someone’s house and you see the basket ‘o fruit and you have no idea whether it’s real fruit of faux fruit, do what I always do instead of asking the question and looking stupid in the process:
Knock it on the floor.
Usually, if it’s real, some juice will spray out. And if it’s not, no worries because faux-fruit doesn’t bruise.