I Want To Wear An Eyepatch
December 21st, 2005
The more I think about it, the more I want to wear an eyepatch.
Before you say anything, get that whole black-pirate styled eyepatch visual out of your head. I’m talking about wearing a fashionable, smart-looking, eye-protecting, mystery-driving, fad starting, alluring, sexy, peripheral-vision reducing, half-in-the-dark causing eye patch on my eye.
I think it would really change my life for the better.
First and foremost, let’s get away from the whole “a rabid animal gnawed out my eyeball and that’s why I’m wearing a black eye patch” scenario. That only happens in storybooks and parts of town where the zoo that tortures their animals by day doesn’t lock the cages at night. Sure, there are people who wear them because they have lazy eyes (to which I say, take a shower, shave, and go “look” for a job) and people who have some awkward vision ailment — but once again I am not talking about these scenarios.
I want to wear an eyepatch because I want people to ask me about my eyepatch.
Think about all those times you had a cast on. Or a bandage on your nose. Or a finger splint. Everyone wanted to know why you had them. “Oh my god, what happened!?” they’d ask. And then you’d launch into your pedestrian story about getting your leg caught in the top rung of a portable bleacher and falling off backward (happened to me, it’s true) or a cat scratching your cornea or you getting your finger caught in a car door.
But before long, don’t you get bored telling that story? By the end of Day One, you have started to wonder if telling an even more exciting story may be the way to go. By the end of the month, aren’t you sick and tired of having to tell everyone the reason for wearing any of the above aforementioned items?
That’s why I want to wear an eyepatch for no reason whatsoever. Since there’d be no reason for wearing the eyepatch in the first place, it would force me to make up a myriad of stories to tell you when you asked the question, “Oh, man — what’s with the eyepatch?”
“Well, you ever see that movie ‘Marathon Man’? That was the movie where Dustin Hoffman got caught up in this whole spy/espionage scenario because of his brother — and before long Dustin Hoffman is captured by “the dentist” who starts pulling out one tooth at a time and continually asking Dustin Hoffman “Is it safe?” yet Dustin Hoffman doesn’t know anything about what he’s asking and so Hoffman keeps getting his teeth ripped out in this horrific and crazy classic film moment? You remember that? Well…I have this eye doctor. And I didn’t know it, but when I showed up the other day and I sat down in the chair and put my face up to the huge metallic eye machine with all the dials and levers — I had no idea that my eye doctor got wind of me scraping my car against his car the last time I was there to see him. I had no idea he knew that I did that and drove away without leaving a note. I had no idea he could quickly stick a needle in my eye while looking through the hulking eye machine… I had no idea the man loved his Mercedes as much as this!”
You would look at me and say, “No, really. What happened?”
And I would look at you with my one misty eye (the good one) and say to you that if you have no faith or trust in my story about how I lost vision in my eye-patch covered eye…that there was no reason for us to go on being friends. That if you couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth (and this is where I’d tear up a little) that you might as well just go get that chicken wrap without me. No chicken wrap for me, I’d say. Not if you can’t accept my eye-patch covered eye for what it is.
That’s when you’d say, “Man, that’s one nasty ophthalmologist — I so feel for you.”
More importantly than playing the pity card (which would net me free meals and drinks from my close friends and family) after nervously mentioning the eye-puncturing incident of ‘04 would be the “testing of the waters with the opposite sex” scenario that my eye patch would totally help me out with.
How many times have you wanted to gauge if someone you see across the room might be into you? How often have you not wanted to try saying something or giving a look because you couldn’t stand rejection? Well, for me, wearing my eye-patch — such an issue would be solved. For I would simply look your way and WINK the biggest wink ever to see the response. You would either look back at me, smiling — confirming that I was good to go and could approach you… Or, you would come up to me and wonder aloud why I was winking at you (at obvious sign that you were not into me) and I would simply say, “Oh, no - you misunderstood. I blinked BOTH my eyes, but this eye patch which I’ve got on my face due to a really long eye-doctor story I prefer not to tell again, was covering my other blinking eye. I didn’t mean to come across as uncouth,” I’d say.
And you, being the hater of eye-winking from the opposite sex, would be disarmed — as I wasn’t one of those guys with the ego and the winking and the attitude… I was just some sad, depressing soul who was wearing an eye patch.
Voila! Success!
Most importantly, however, would be the fact that I could refrain from shaving, showering, or even changing any of my clothes on a daily basis — but the fact that I would be wearing an eye patch would seemingly make things okay. Bad personal hygiene without the eye-patch…and people would wonder what was up. But add the eye patch? Everything seems to look normal. Don’t ask me why.
It’s just the magic of the eye patch.
Eye-patch donning would allow me to park in handicapped spots. Eye-patch covering would allow me to pretend that my depth perception would be WAY off so I wouldn’t have to shake your limp, damp hand in business situations. My eye-patch would allow me to be the center of conversation at parties. My eye-patch would enable me to attend costume parties without ever having to get dressed up whatsoever. This wonderful little eye-patch would be the reason for my new business nickname, The Pirate which would cause allies to love me and enemies to fear me.
And my eye, nestled underneath the warmth and softness of the Hilfiger eye-patch I would have had personally created just for me — would be living the ultimate life of darkness. Safe, happy and man…my pupil would be stoked.
So, you know. Those are just some of the reasons I want to wear an eyepatch. Take ‘em or leave ‘em. Just don’t hate. Don’t be jealous…and don’t forget my brand-new tag line:
My one eye is fly.
My October 6, 7, 8 blog posts dealt with an eye injury and an eye patch I had the “privilege” to wear.
Mine was flesh-colored; I thought I’d be getting a black one, like Israel’s Moshe Dayan wore. You know, more attention-grabbing.
Recommendation: if you do get one, put some funky design on it — polka dots, stripes, a Monet scene…or even a photo of an eyeball.
That should be sure to catch someone’s eye!
Comment by Pearl — December 21, 2005 @ 8:29 am
screw the eyepatch. it won’t score you chicks. what would be excellent is if you share that story about falling, backwards, off a portable bleacher! that sounds Inspector-Gadget funny!
Comment by kristine — December 21, 2005 @ 8:34 am
I think the eye patch will be the accessory of 2006. You’re on to something Pauly.
Comment by Hilary — December 21, 2005 @ 8:39 am
Kristine - It was eighth grade. I was being chased by a group of girls (it started early) out on the soccer field. I ran up one of those portable metal bleachers with no back as they chased me, got my foot caught under the top bleacher seat and then fell backward off the bleacher. It caused my leg to bend BACKWARDS and rip all the ligaments in my leg.
I had to wear a cast for like six months and when they took the damn thing off about sixteen RULERS fell out.
Good times.
Comment by Pauly D — December 21, 2005 @ 8:39 am
LMAO! that’s great…don’t think it would do much for the sex life…but funny none the less!!
Comment by Wendi — December 21, 2005 @ 8:44 am
Heh, Pauly the Pirate. Thanks for the oblique mention. And btw, lack of depth perception is really not all it’s cracked up to be.
Comment by annabel lee — December 21, 2005 @ 8:48 am
I couldn’t help but think that this would make a hilarious romantic comedy–one where you, the main character, would keep missing the woman of your dreams because of your new lack of peripheral vision on your left (or right) side.
She would miss you because she, simultaneously, had decided to don an eyepatch as well.
Good one.
Comment by M.A. — December 21, 2005 @ 8:48 am
I wanted to bring up the Hathaway man, but I didn’t want your young and hip readership to think I was 70 years old. OK, so what’s wrong with that? You wish you were part of the greatest generation!
Hathaway man, for you young idiots:
http://www.iconocast.com/Online_Branding.html
Comment by Neil — December 21, 2005 @ 8:58 am
oh, ok. see, that wasn’t as funny as i thought’d it would be…
Comment by kristine — December 21, 2005 @ 9:00 am
Sorry Paul, but since you’re a writer and all… tell me: is it “cracked” or “cranked”…up to be?
I goggled both phrases and “cracked” wins by lanslide… but I had it (all my english is picked up…) as “cranked”.
Comment by victor hugo — December 21, 2005 @ 9:07 am
Ah … the magic of the eyepatch.
What are you trying to quit?
Anyway?
Comment by nic — December 21, 2005 @ 10:38 am
Your 8th grade story made me cringe, though it is nice to know that you’ve always been a hit with the babes.
In 1st grade, I had bifocals that messed with my depth perception. In gym, we were doing an obstacle course and one part was grabbing a knotted rope and swinging over floormats. I missed the rope. The knot smacked my nose. And then I had to temporarily wear an eyepatch…
Comment by Flower Girl — December 21, 2005 @ 10:50 am
Reminds me of the time. The time I found this huge roll of cast-making-plaster and faked a brokem arm. I had a different story for each person who asked, “What happened?”.
Instant Karma? Two weeks later, I REALLY broke my other arm. And no one believed me.
CRY WOLF!
Comment by nic — December 21, 2005 @ 10:51 am
I’m sorry Pauly, I’ve just got to do it.
It’s ophthalmologist. What can I say medical words are my bread and butter.
Did enjoy this post though.
Comment by Rachel — December 21, 2005 @ 11:45 am
Rachel - Wow. You should star in the sequel to Spellbound. Fixing it post haste.
Comment by Pauly D — December 21, 2005 @ 11:51 am
not sure i’d be able to date an eye-patch wearer. for fear of one day having to see the patched eye, which in my imagination would be as disturbingly deformed as those conjoined twins that used to always be on oprah. the blink/wink thing might not work on me. but a quick wit always helps so you’d have that going for ya.
Comment by amanda — December 21, 2005 @ 12:28 pm
You know, I actually worked with someone who wore a black pirate eye patch. No one asked him why he wore it. It was considered rude, I guess. However, when he quit to go to another job, everyone wore eye patches to the the going away party. Because THEN we were roasting him with good will and wishes for the best.
All I am saying is, get an eye patch, test it out before you poke out a perfectly good eye.
Comment by jodi — December 21, 2005 @ 2:02 pm
I think you in an eye patch would be hot. HOT. Because (and I know we were supposed to get all the pirate references out of our heads but I can’t help it) I love pirates. It’s inexplicable, but I do.
Your 8th grade broken leg story sounds very painful. I also had a bleachers mishap where I was running across the playground and the sweater I had on caught on the edge of those damn portable bleachers, only I didn’t know it and kept running. You know how in the cartoons the characters wil get caught on something and keep going only to be snapped back really hard? That was me. Next thing I knew I was flat on my back in the mud. Not shattering to my jr. high ego AT ALL.
Comment by Amber — December 21, 2005 @ 2:44 pm
There are few things hotter than an eye patch. But truly, if you added a scar on your cheek - not horribly disfiguring, but noticeable and mysterious - I would quite possibly have to begin stalking you. I mean, in a more focused and organized way than I already do.
Comment by jenny — December 21, 2005 @ 3:18 pm
I’d like to wear an eyepatch, too, but I’m not so sure I could make that commitment. Over the years I’ve told myself that I’m going to start wearing a cool medallion around my neck or something, but then I just can’t stop fiddling with it. Good luck, Paul. I hope you can succeed where I have not.
Comment by Will — December 21, 2005 @ 3:18 pm
Jodi - That’s so funny. No one ever asked the guy what it was for? No one even peeked under it whilest he was passed out? So sad.
Amber - Did you shake your head and lips and make that “blabababababa” sound as you shook your head back into place?
Jenny - A scar, huh? Hmm. Let me see if I can get one by saving someone’s life. That, at least, would make people accept the scar better than if, oh I don’t know - it was the result of getting drunk and falling on an electric fence.
Will - I have faith, you can do it. Put your mind to it, or just put the damn patch over your eye. Easy peasy.
Comment by Pauly D — December 21, 2005 @ 3:25 pm
i always had a thing for Patch (aka Steve) on Days of Our Lives.
go for it.
Comment by ms. sizzle — December 21, 2005 @ 3:40 pm
Yeah, but those fabulous 3-D posters just don’t work when you are wearing an eye-patch. You can stare and stare and no 3-D image will ever appear.
I think I’d rather wear Mickey Mouse ears and leave my 3-D poster abilities in tact.
Comment by Dave2 — December 21, 2005 @ 4:36 pm
I got so tired of telling the long, winding horseback-accident story regarding my leg and foot, that when perfect strangers would remark on (first) the cast and (then) the LIMP–seriously; a limp–I just started saying that I was born with a club foot, then bursting into tears and limping from the room.
Comment by Belinda — December 21, 2005 @ 7:19 pm
Very interesting concept!! This is the first time I visited your site and I enjoy new subject content! Good luck!
Comment by Genna — December 21, 2005 @ 7:54 pm
Can I call you Danger Mouse?
Comment by Jennifer — December 21, 2005 @ 8:32 pm
What if your eye that was uncovered started to have phantom vision for the eye covered up? You’d be seeing double and most things in this world aren’t worth seeing twice. Optismistic aren’t I?
Comment by networkchic — December 22, 2005 @ 7:50 am
It would be so much fun dating a guy with an eye patch.
I would never get tired of sneaking up on his “patchy” side and scream BOO! when he was in the shower or reading. Or playing “Come on. Just reach out and grab it” with someone with no depth perception.
Comment by anonymous city girl — December 22, 2005 @ 12:19 pm
Arrghhh, can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer? If you were into Seinfeld, the classic puffyshirt episode has a whole bit dedicated to the Pirate bit.
Good luck on your look Matey.
Comment by H.F. Peterman — December 22, 2005 @ 2:50 pm
Networkchic - Phantom vision would be sorta cool. I could call myself The Phantom Vision instead of just The Phantom, which sounds sort of lame anyway.
ACG - That’s what I think!
HF Peterman - Well aware, my friend — I have the miniature version of the puffy shirt that came with my Season 5 & 6 Seinfeld DVD box set!
Comment by Pauly D — December 22, 2005 @ 8:14 pm
I’m wearing the patch that you talked about. actually I have a collection of suede in natural colors and a bushel basket full of various black ones. It’s been almost twelve years since an injury wrecked most of my left eye.
But to get to my point. In all that time I have only been asked about what happened maybe a half dozen times. Everyone is just to polite ask about it. I have created a couple of tails that I might use to impress someone, but I haven’t had the chance to spread the lies.
I want to wish you the best experience possible, but as the one writer commented, “don’t poke out a perfectly good eye”. The conversation will not be worth the sacrifice.
Don A. Munson
Comment by Don Munson — January 17, 2006 @ 9:58 am
You are a Jack A**, I developed double vision Jan ‘06 and wear an eye patch to be able to see correctly. I joke about it because thats my coping mechanism. Do some research as to why eye patching is need. I personally think you should poke out your eye. Wow, I needed that. You’re still a jack a**.
Lance Dahse
Comment by Lance Dahse — January 28, 2006 @ 9:02 am
I’ve always had a special interest in wearing eyepatches and in people wearing them,specially women. I find them sexy. I personally prefer “medical” ones (opticlude, japanese style, or so). Have experienced wearing them in public for a couple of days. People ask about it if they know you. I prefer not to give too importance to the explanation, just refer a slight injury. What I enjoy is just to wear it and do the things i usually do. I know it souds odd, so I’m glad to find people who share the same interest.
Comment by ramses — February 20, 2006 @ 1:02 pm
I have always had a thing for eyepatches-I think they are very sexy on a man. I would love to meet a man with a patch-it’s so rare….
Comment by jennifer — April 26, 2006 @ 2:30 am
Haha, i need an eyepatch myself and i found this page quite entertaining to read
Not bad at all. Well, i’m not wearing one since i’m still looking for those japanese style eyepatches. I tried to buy them from a site called JList/Jbox, but they’re out of stock and i don’t know where else i can buy them from :/ I’ve been looking like crazy around the net for it. These are the japanese style eyepatches that i’m looking for.
http://www.velvetgarden.net/images/jlist/025.jpg
If anyone reading this comment knows where i can buy them from, please do not hesitate to mail me at xandman@hotmail.com
Comment by Alex — May 7, 2006 @ 2:42 pm
Hi , I must say this is abit odd, like mom says be carefull what you wish for . Being that I need to wear one I know what it is like to bump into things and people . Maybe you should try to walk around for a week with one on and come back and tell us how many times you triped on something you did not see
Comment by dc — May 12, 2006 @ 2:25 pm
That sounds really funny, but I think people forget that there are some of us who actually need these things, like an accident or disease. I lost my eye due to eyecancer and have an artificial eye.
When my lost eye is irritated I need to wear something just to not freak out my colleagues and customers at work, so I wear an eyepatch. Sometimes I sleep without my artificial eye and eyepatch, but recently I freaked out my neighbour who wanted to deliver a package to me early in the morning. I forgot I wasn’t wearing my eye and was amazed at how hasty and nervous she acted when she handed me the package. I went to the bathroom after she left and finally understood why……..OOPS!
Those of the respondants who think it is sexy: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!! What is so HOT about an eyepatch. It is purely a neccesity that I could do without. I haven’t met a guy yet who thinks it is hot. They like the way I look with my artificial eye but when I wear an eyepatch they avoid me like I have the plague.
Willeke
Comment by Willeke — August 26, 2006 @ 3:13 pm
+1 for Willeke (thats why i keep one just in case not for everyday use)
Sorry Paul for being you mom’s voice but using a eyepatch for too long cause lazyness in the other eye.
Thats why the use those with childrens for the treatment of amblyopia aka lazy eye syndrome so both eye can “regenerate” at the same rate afterward.
i personaly have loste one at a young age and wearing it “for fun” make me think you should try to get more sex not more healt issues.
i’m just saying …
watch out for elevatorsdoors, doorsframes , public benchs and so on or your wish might come reality!
NB: driving with cripple vision may get you in trouble (trust me on this one !)
Comment by Pooky — November 15, 2006 @ 2:59 am