Let me first start by saying that I am the king of creating new sayings.
I have worked long and hard over the course of my life to create new sayings for the world that will stick. I don’t just look for the “Wasssssssssuppp!” sayings that are, let’s be honest, a tad mindless. I look to creating new sayings that will shape our lives and add meaning to who we are and what we do.
That’s where “bed of shred” comes into the picture.
How often are you making a cheeseburger (and you love cheese) and you put that cheeseburger on a bun or on a plate and you think to yourself about how depressing it is that there’s only cheese on the bottom? How often have you tried to troubleshoot the melting of two slices of cheese, on each side, while barbecuing?
It’s not possible, is it?
So what do you do in an attempt to have your life experience a two-sided, cheese-wrapped, patty ‘o meat? Well, if you’re me — you place a handful of shredded cheese on a plate where you will gingerly place your steaming-hot patty ‘o meat once you’ve completed the process of making it a one-sided cheeseburger.
Yes, that’s right — you place your cheeseburger patty on a bed of shred.
Give it a few seconds and before long you’ll have a cheeseburger that has cheese on both sides, and by using the phrase “bed of shred” you will soon be single-handedly spearheading the widespread acceptance of a new lexiconical phrase that will shape, change and improve cheeseburger double-sidedness worldwide.
Will you join me in my quest? I hope so.
Next week we’ll discuss the usage of “nappy-koo” (a way of referring to a stack of napkins), and “gleekamon” (a group of under-the-tongue saliva spraying karate black belts who like to go on picnics).
In other news — the celebrity sighting machine has finally reached out to snag the one and only Pauly D.
It’s fairly often that I get e-mails from people asking questions like, “Hey Pauly D — Do you ever worry that a celebrity you write about will track you down and accost you for writing about them?” Usually, the answer is NO — and even after this weekend’s experience with Jon Cryer of CBS’s hit show Two and a Half Men — the answer is still the same after Mr. Cryer left the following comment on the previously aforementioned post:
“Hello Paul. Sorry to say but whoever you had this run-in with was not Jon Cryer. I know this because I am Jon Cryer. I donâ€™t own a pair of white headphones, I have blue sony over-the-ear headphones that I use for running. Youâ€™re right though, i donâ€™t have an iPod. Mostly because i subscribe to the napster pay service and my songs wonâ€™t play on one. This guy does sound like an asshole though. Sorry if he was rude to you. I somehow feel responsible even though Iâ€™m not him. That WAS me in Hugoâ€™s though. All my best, -Jon”
I did what any self-respecting journalist who goes around sparking conversations with celebrities would do — I asked Jon Cryer to prove that it was, indeed, him. In response, Mr. Cryer sent me a personal digital picture of him and his son from a Giants game that “had not been released anywhere in the press” and proved to me that, indeed, it was the real Jon Cryer.
It seemed as if the person I accosted that dark day in the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf had not been Cryer (although the other sighting of Cryer had indeed been real) and I was glad to clear it up.
However, as Jon Cryer himself confirmed — Jon Cryer does not have an iPod and of that…we are 100% sure.