Origins of ‘Bed of Shred’ (And Celebrities)

Let me first start by saying that I am the king of creating new sayings.

I have worked long and hard over the course of my life to create new sayings for the world that will stick. I don’t just look for the “Wasssssssssuppp!” sayings that are, let’s be honest, a tad mindless. I look to creating new sayings that will shape our lives and add meaning to who we are and what we do.

That’s where “bed of shred” comes into the picture.

How often are you making a cheeseburger (and you love cheese) and you put that cheeseburger on a bun or on a plate and you think to yourself about how depressing it is that there’s only cheese on the bottom? How often have you tried to troubleshoot the melting of two slices of cheese, on each side, while barbecuing?

It’s not possible, is it?

So what do you do in an attempt to have your life experience a two-sided, cheese-wrapped, patty ‘o meat? Well, if you’re me — you place a handful of shredded cheese on a plate where you will gingerly place your steaming-hot patty ‘o meat once you’ve completed the process of making it a one-sided cheeseburger.

Yes, that’s right — you place your cheeseburger patty on a bed of shred.

Give it a few seconds and before long you’ll have a cheeseburger that has cheese on both sides, and by using the phrase “bed of shred” you will soon be single-handedly spearheading the widespread acceptance of a new lexiconical phrase that will shape, change and improve cheeseburger double-sidedness worldwide.

Will you join me in my quest? I hope so.

Next week we’ll discuss the usage of “nappy-koo” (a way of referring to a stack of napkins), and “gleekamon” (a group of under-the-tongue saliva spraying karate black belts who like to go on picnics).

In other news — the celebrity sighting machine has finally reached out to snag the one and only Pauly D.

It’s fairly often that I get e-mails from people asking questions like, “Hey Pauly D — Do you ever worry that a celebrity you write about will track you down and accost you for writing about them?” Usually, the answer is NO — and even after this weekend’s experience with Jon Cryer of CBS’s hit show Two and a Half Men — the answer is still the same after Mr. Cryer left the following comment on the previously aforementioned post:

“Hello Paul. Sorry to say but whoever you had this run-in with was not Jon Cryer. I know this because I am Jon Cryer. I don’t own a pair of white headphones, I have blue sony over-the-ear headphones that I use for running. You’re right though, i don’t have an iPod. Mostly because i subscribe to the napster pay service and my songs won’t play on one. This guy does sound like an asshole though. Sorry if he was rude to you. I somehow feel responsible even though I’m not him. That WAS me in Hugo’s though. All my best, -Jon”

I did what any self-respecting journalist who goes around sparking conversations with celebrities would do — I asked Jon Cryer to prove that it was, indeed, him. In response, Mr. Cryer sent me a personal digital picture of him and his son from a Giants game that “had not been released anywhere in the press” and proved to me that, indeed, it was the real Jon Cryer.

It seemed as if the person I accosted that dark day in the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf had not been Cryer (although the other sighting of Cryer had indeed been real) and I was glad to clear it up.

However, as Jon Cryer himself confirmed — Jon Cryer does not have an iPod and of that…we are 100% sure.

27 comments on “Origins of ‘Bed of Shred’ (And Celebrities)

  1. Hilary - December 19, 2005 at 8:31 am -

    I’m confused, as usual. You saw Jon Cryer and John Tesh over the weekend?

  2. Amber - December 19, 2005 at 8:31 am -

    I think you should have asked Jon Cryer to send a video of him reenacting the scene from “Pretty in Pink” where he does Otis Redding’s “Try a Littl Tenderness.” You know, just to TOTALLY prove it’s him. And because I love that oh so very much.

  3. Pauly D - December 19, 2005 at 8:34 am -

    Hilary – No. I saw John Tesh. I got an e-mail from Jon Cryer who had come across the post about him and wanted me to know that it was NOT him in the Coffee Bean sighting (which means I must have run into someone that looked like him but wasn’t him) and that it WAS HIM in Hugo’s where we saw him as well.

    Amber – Damn. Where are you and your awesome ideas when I need them!?

  4. Pierce - December 19, 2005 at 8:38 am -

    I like his son. You know, that funny little fat kid with the dead-pan humour.

    Was he doing something funny in the photo?

  5. Pauly D - December 19, 2005 at 8:41 am -

    Pierce – NO, it was a picture of him and his REAL LIFE son.

  6. Pierce - December 19, 2005 at 8:43 am -

    I’m confused.

  7. Pauly D - December 19, 2005 at 8:54 am -

    Pierce – There’s not much more I can do for you here, but I’m going to try:

    1. Pauly D writes a post about seeing Jon Cryer.

    2. Jon Cryer e-mails Pauly D to say that it wasn’t him he saw.

    3. Pauly D doesn’t believe it’s Jon Cryer e-mailing him.

    4. Jon Cryer e-mails Pauly D a real photo of him and his real life kid to prove it’s him.

    5. Read #’s 1 through 4 a few more times.

  8. the swede - December 19, 2005 at 9:10 am -

    I just thought of something… How can we be sure that the person writing this blog is the real Pauly D?

    I’m just sayin’…

  9. annabel lee - December 19, 2005 at 9:18 am -

    Hmm…does this mean you’ll be asking for documentation for all the other celebrity sightings you’ve posted? Way cool of Mr. Cryer to e-mail you the picture. As for people’s confusion about this story – maybe they’re just hungover from the WFME Holiday Party Extravaganza…

  10. nic - December 19, 2005 at 9:22 am -

    So, we place the celebrity on the bed of shred and then … and then … what are we doing here again?

  11. Hilary - December 19, 2005 at 9:24 am -

    I’m with Pierce. Confused!

    You said:

    Usually, the answer is NO — and even after this weekend’s experience with Jon Cryer of CBS’s hit show Two and a Half Men — the answer is still the same after Mr. Cryer left the following comment on the previously aforementioned post:

    This weekend’s experience with Jon Cryer? I thought you said you saw John Tesh this weekend.

  12. annabel lee - December 19, 2005 at 9:35 am -

    The aforementiond “experience” was the above-referenced e-mail. Totally separate and distinct from the sighting of John Tesh trying to make friends with the cellphone people.

  13. Pauly D - December 19, 2005 at 9:40 am -

    Thank you, Annabel.

    Any other questions, please go ahead and direct them to AL. She’s got a handle on it.

  14. Hilary - December 19, 2005 at 10:09 am -

    Thank you AL for the clarification. Now I know where to go when I’m confused. 🙂

  15. jodi - December 19, 2005 at 11:25 am -

    Wow, I never see celebrities when I am in LA. It’s obvious to me that I am not hanging out where the cool kids hang out.

    The last time I was there, I saw Eddie Izzard. But that’s because I had a ticket to his show. He looked fabulous.

  16. C Ro - December 19, 2005 at 12:02 pm -

    I love this “bed of shred” idea. It’s BRILLIANT! I can’t believe I hadn’t thought of it myself, actually, given how much I love cheese.

    C Ro + Cheese = TLA

    P.S. I just knew J. Cryer wasn’t an a-hole.

  17. Kathleen - December 19, 2005 at 12:40 pm -

    the ‘bed of shred’ confuses me. maybe I’m not understanding the logic behind it.

    couldn’t I just put a bun down with a slice of cheese on it, then the patty, then the other slice of cheese?

    ‘bed of shred’ does sound intimidating, but I tend to think of playing with mountains of paper confetti from the paper shredder. oh, that could be a new attraction at Showbiz instead of the plastic balls. You could get the trademark or what ever and license your Bed of Shred to amusement parks and yea.

  18. ms. sizzle - December 19, 2005 at 1:05 pm -

    i love jon cryer even more now.

  19. Serra - December 19, 2005 at 2:23 pm -

    Let’s see…

    1. You see celebs all over the place when you go out. (BTW where do you live?)

    2. Celebs email you when you’ve messed up on a sighting.

    3. Lather, rinse, repeat.

    How nice is it to be you?

  20. Pauly D - December 19, 2005 at 2:24 pm -

    Kathleen – the bed of shred is for people who aren’t eating bread.

    Ms. Sizzle – Shall I have him e-mail you, too? He seems to be into “communicating with his people.”

  21. Kevin - December 19, 2005 at 2:39 pm -

    Can I get a Gleekamon action figure? I want the deluxe one with the kung-fu grip and the fully-stocked picnic basket and over-the-shoulder wine carrier that has the throwing star dispenser in the bottom of it.

    And please don’t say “you’ll shuriken your eye out, kid” like Santa did. That’s just so disheartening.

  22. Dave2 - December 19, 2005 at 3:07 pm -

    I think that I must be the most confused of all.

    I’ve got disturbing images of Jon Cryer on a bed of shred in my head now.

  23. nic - December 19, 2005 at 3:49 pm -

    Long live the King!

  24. Belinda - December 19, 2005 at 10:52 pm -

    I’m with Kathleen. There are two of us, we’re female, so obviously our way is right. And a cheeseburger without buns? Geez, what’s the point? I mean, at least a whole-grain bun. COME ONNNNNN HERE!!

  25. Lynn - December 19, 2005 at 10:54 pm -

    This post is lost on me. I don’t eat meat, so the whole “cheese-wrapped, patty ‘o meat” thing doesn’t make a bit ‘o sense. I wonder if it makes sense to John Tesh. I think I’ll call him. Anyone have his cell number?

  26. the swede - December 19, 2005 at 11:31 pm -

    Lynn, John Tesh would probably be very excited to get a call from you. I hear he LOVES his cell phone. Loves it.

    I eat meat, but not very often. I enjoy garden burgers with cheese though (and bread)!

  27. amanda - December 20, 2005 at 6:31 am -

    i love matt pond pa, too! (that wasn’t my version of singer tourettes, just a response to the comment you left on my site.) i love bed of shred, that’s totally the sort of thing i would make up. i call my iPod my iPoodle. don’t ask. it’s little it’s white…but really just because they kind of sound alike.

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