Words For My Enjoyment

The WFME Holiday Party

December 16th, 2005

Welcome to the WFME Holiday Party 2006.

After already attending a slew of holiday parties this season, with more on the way, I got to thinking that blogs and their communities should not be locked out in the digital snow while everyone else warmed up inside with a spiked cup of egg nog. Why not create an online, blog-centric holiday party for all to attend?

And so the reality of a WFME Holiday party became a…virtual reality.

Why not take a look around? Why not see who’s here? There might be people you’ve never seen before — those who you just passed by on your way in each day, or those who you’ve seen but never ever said hi to. There might be people who drive you crazy and there might be people who you’ve been waiting all year to punch in the face. There might be someone you want to drag into the linen closet and there might be someone you want to tell off… Either way, there’s something for everyone here at the WFME Holiday Party.

And isn’t that what holiday parties are for?

But while normal holiday parties have a slew of colorful characters “in the real world” so too does the WFME Digital Holiday Party here on the ‘ol blog. Check out what our real world holiday party regulars morph into when they show up at a holiday party thrown by a blog:

The First One To Arrive becomes The First One To Comment: This blog holiday party attendee always arrives first. Always on the index.html page before anyone else to scope out the posts and leave a comment. They might even mention that they’re the first one to comment. Knowing them, they always do. They love being first. Online, it doesn’t seem to be as much of an issue of not having anywhere else to go, or having no friends — it’s all about that speedy little RSS feed. So, you know, don’t look down on them too much.

The Office Whore becomes The Comment Whore: Sure there’s flirting. But mostly, the person who would hook up in the back linen closet with another co-worker ends up going to a slew of other people’s blogs — connecting up with them by clicking on their name in today’s comment section. At least at the office, the chances of ever finding out about this person’s indiscretions are less feasible than here, today. A simple click through to a variety of the sites connected to today’s attendees will reveal just who has gone “over there” to get their flirt on. You know who you are. You know that you do it. Why not just admit it and let people know you’re only here to scope “the meat?”

The A-Hole Who Always Gets In A Fight becomes The Harsh Word-meister: Threatening words. Bold predictions that insult. If you’re the person who will throw down in a real-world scenario, then you’re the person who is going to throw down here in the comment section. You’re gonna poke and prod and tease and taunt with every opportunity you can find. You’ll scope others’ words for something you can latch onto. You are ready to get down to business and your two hands, a QWERTY keyboard and your angry-wit is raring to go.

The Emotional Crying One becomes The Emoticon Using One: They’re happy. They love you. They love using smiley faces at the end of their comments. They want you to know that they think you’re funny and witty and clever and nice. They’re sweet and they’re prone to saying things like “so-and-so, I love you!” or “so-and-so, you crack me up!” or “so-and-so, I am so sitting here crying out of laughter that everyone at the office is staring at me”. They love everyone and everything. They’re always a great positive influx of energy.

The Fashion Plate becomes The Slick Gravatar-itron: If you get dressed like you’re going to a fashion show for real world holiday parties, you can bet money that you’re going to show up here today with a Gravatar icon that is slick, graphically-awesome, easy to identify what it is, and makes others want to go out and get their own Gravatar icon for all to see. Your cool graphic inspires everyone else to be a better graphically-inspiring person with an, um, icon. Good work!

The Dumper of Booze Into The Punch, Person becomes The Dumper of Controversial Subject Matter Into The Comment Section, Person: If they’re willing to add 100 proof vodka into the punch, they’re also going to throw in links into their own comments that will direct you places you may not want to go. Would you drink LSD-laced punch just because everyone else is doing it? If so, you’ll probably click on every unknown link these people throw your way.

The Friend From Out of Town becomes The First Time Visitor: Whether it’s your counting Indian friend from Pakistan or your recently divorced next-door neighbor — there’s always someone new showing up with a friend to holiday parties. Here, today — I’m sure it’s no different. First time visitors, friends of friends, people who have never shown up until today will arrive on the WFME holiday party doorstep. Most of them won’t say a thing. Some of them will. Who will they be?

The Drunkard becomes The Drunkard: Seemingly, they’re still drunk — except in this case they’re even sadder than before. They’re drinking alone. At home. In front of a computer. Typing. With one hand. While absentmindedly urinating in their pants. Way to go, drunkard!

Are you here today at the WFME Holiday Party representing one of the above people? If so, embrace your digital personality with gusto! Are you someone not included on the above list? Please — enlighten us. Because isn’t that what holiday parties like this are all about?

It’s about getting to know each other even better than we think we have throughout the year.

And on that note, here’s to a wonderful holiday for all WFME readers, friends, rivals and stalkers. Whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Churromunikah or Zeegamono (a holiday that involves eating by yourself and repeating the phrase “zeega” over and over again) — here’s hoping that everyone has a safe and happy holiday.

And before you go, don’t forget to pick up that digital envelope by the front page! WFME will be donating a small monetary amount on behalf of each and every commenter who joins us here today to a charity of our choosing that will be determined at a later date.

But face facts — there’s no real gifts. And if you complain about WFME giving money to someone needy on your behalf (instead of giving you a portable DVD player) you’re just gonna look like a jerk. Just like in the real world.

See? Some things never change.

Posted under Blogging, Holidays, Parties, WFYE. |

Shit, I don’t know how I feel about being The First One To Arrive. I mean, I like to arrive fashionably late. Not sure what this will do for my reputation.

Comment by Hilary — December 16, 2005 @ 8:28 am

What’s even worst in being the second person to arrive. And not even knowing the first person. So we both just stand there shuffling our feet and drinking as quickly as possible.

Comment by Pierce — December 16, 2005 @ 8:32 am

Hilary, meet Pierce. He’s from some far away country. That should give you guys something to talk about.

Okay, let me check on the jalapeno poppers.

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 8:33 am

Let’s do shots! I brought the ice luge!

Comment by Darrel — December 16, 2005 @ 8:34 am

Aaah, The Shot Guy. Glad you could come. Did you bring all those NFL team shot glasses you’re always talking about?

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 8:35 am

I brought my monkey because, well, everybody just loves a monkey.

I also brought a fifth of Jack Dani—

Uh oh… my monkey just crapped on the sofa and is now throwing his feces on your wall. Bad monkey! BAD MONKEY!!

That sofa HAS been Scotch-Guarded, right?

Comment by Dave2 — December 16, 2005 @ 8:39 am

I feel bad about my grammar and misspelling in my first comment. I had a few drinks, I was rushing, it came out all wrong.

Wow, it really is beginning to feel like an office party.

Comment by Pierce — December 16, 2005 @ 8:42 am

Okay, which clever commenter is going to xerox their ass?

Comment by Fun Joel — December 16, 2005 @ 8:53 am

I get here just a little late and there’s already an ice luge set up, monkeys are throwing feces and someone’s already photocopying his ass? Now this is a good party.

Where’s your fridge? I brought some Stoli and want to throw it in the freezer.

Comment by Keith — December 16, 2005 @ 9:09 am

First, let me thank you for the great party present! That’s awful thoughtful of you.

Second, I’ll claim personality type: Drunkard, Type II: That is, the gal laughing loudly over there who just spilled wine on her new holiday dress. Also the gal who, unlike the monkey, is potty-trained, thank you very much.

Comment by C Ro — December 16, 2005 @ 9:11 am

dammit. i was so calling dibs on a variation of the drunkard, but it seems C Ro beat me to it.

can there ever be TOO MANY drunkards, though?

Comment by heather — December 16, 2005 @ 9:39 am

How about the movie/music/food snob? I’ll come to the party, but look down my nose at everyone else. I’ll bring a hostess gift, possibly an independent label cd to help bring you up to my intellectual level, but will cringe at the food you’ve set out then will spend the evening talking behind your back telling everyone else how my parties are SOOOOO much better and correcting them on their grammar. But really, I’ll just end up going home alone and my invitations to parties will dwindle.

Not that I know anyone like this.

Comment by Alissa — December 16, 2005 @ 9:40 am

Frankly, I don’t understand the humor here. As bloggers, we have the responsibility to write about issues that are important to the world. How can we all just sit here, typing away at nonsense, when there are issues like world hunger, a war going on, and the cancellation of Arrested Development to deal with. Rather than reading this garbage, I insist you read this excellent blog, written by myself titled: Idumpbooze.com.

All of you. You and your partying makes me sick!

Wait a minute, are those cocktail franks over there? Hello, Pauly!!

Comment by Neil — December 16, 2005 @ 10:07 am

Heather: Of course there can’t. Cocktail drinkers of the world, unite.

Comment by C Ro — December 16, 2005 @ 10:26 am

I’m here late, and I’m here to hijack the entertainment center with my music collection because I think everybody wants to listen to the music I listen to.

Comment by benny — December 16, 2005 @ 10:48 am

you think i’m here to be a bitch, but i’m actually very friendly in person (right paul? um…?).

rather, i am making the rounds, drinking lightly and nibbling on what neil hasn’t devoured. don’t i look nice? of course, but not too nice. i’m blending here, people.

i am listening to your conversations and i am taking mental (or camera phone) pictures. and you won’t notice because i’m slick and you’re wasted. and my camera phone is a piece of shit and doesn’t have a flash.

but i will resurface when you least expect it, with my cutesy titles (hey HEY Flashy McFlasherson!) to remind you all of what you’ve done.

you all remember that grainy shot of Kate Moss, don’t you?

Comment by kristine — December 16, 2005 @ 10:55 am

The food sucks here…. But the conversation is oh-so good.

Comment by monkeyinabox — December 16, 2005 @ 11:33 am

I kinda get the impression PD may have _left his own party_.

Comment by benny — December 16, 2005 @ 11:58 am

I’m already hungover and passing out on the couch from last night’s awesome birthday. I gotta sleep, the birthday party continues tonight as well.

prop me up and take pictures that you will use to blackmail me with later….just make sure I don’t collapse on monkey feces.

Comment by Kathleen — December 16, 2005 @ 12:03 pm

I’m the asshole who turns up really late because the nap I took before the party stretched out for hours instead of the intended 30 minutes. Because of this fact I had a series of hastily-poured-down-my-throat shots at home so that I wouldn’t be the left out sober one.

Of course I overdid it and now I represent yet another version of the drunkard: the prepped-at-home and arrives-annoying-and-loud when there are in fact plenty-of-perfectly-sober(ish)-people at the party snickering-at-the-latest-attendee who is already spilling-all-over-herself-drunk.

Comment by the swede — December 16, 2005 @ 12:11 pm

Wha? Did someone say my, uh name?

(Removes party hat and paper towels off head.)

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 12:23 pm

i’m in another time zone so of course i’m late, but i brought my blender so i can be one of these:)

Comment by better safe than sorry — December 16, 2005 @ 12:33 pm

I ALWAYS arrive fashionably late to parties. But I also always bring the best desserts — where should I put this chocolate Kahlua cake? Over there? Ok. Now point me to the vodka and let’s do some holiday shots!!

Comment by Amber — December 16, 2005 @ 12:41 pm

Here comes the out of town friend! Pauly D, Kick ass party. I’ll definitely keep my eye out for future invitations. After reading some of these comments, I might just become the office flirt… It’s not whoring unless I find those blogs post-worthy.

Comment by saraH — December 16, 2005 @ 12:52 pm

Normally I’d be charming and flirty and pleasantly tipsy. And I would have arrived with some sort of chocolate to share.

But right now? The thought of food or drink scares me so much, I’ll be spending the whole party curled up in a corner, missing out on all the fun. Happy Zeegamono, everyone.

Comment by annabel lee — December 16, 2005 @ 1:29 pm

Hey gang, it’s me, “Too Cool To Dance So He Just Stands Around Guy.” Sorry I’m late. I was at another blog party. Really lame. All they had was Doritos (and they were RANCH Doritos at that…I mean, WTF?)

Comment by Bob Sassone — December 16, 2005 @ 2:11 pm

Annabel Lee - Happy Zeegamono to you, my fellow Zeegamondrian.

Sassone - Finally, you’re here. We thought you passed out at the preparty at your apartment.

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 2:15 pm

I came because I knew Dave would be here with that stupid monkey, but I STAYED for the excellent company. Plus, I just spent the last 20 minutes repeating the call of “Scooby-Dooby-Doooooo!” with a 3-year-old, so I figure I need the company of adults, even if they are drunk. And yeah, I’m from out-of-town. Do you have a spare lampshade, and where’s the Twister game setting up?

This whole post was pretty brilliant, though, I have to say.

Comment by Belinda — December 16, 2005 @ 2:51 pm

How about that guy who comes late because he had to finish up some work?

How about that guy who makes a word so long it breaks the layout?

So Hilary, how are you?

Comment by Glen C. — December 16, 2005 @ 3:12 pm

Belinda - Glad you found your way over here, but you should have seen it before the cleaning crew took care of those sofas (no thanks to Dave’s monkey’s bowel issues). Nice and clean, now!

Glen - I have no idea what you’re talking about. Looks OK, here.

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 3:16 pm

Are you being serious? I have a sneaking suspicion you aren’t. Because there’s a, gasp, horizontal scroll bar. He would be that guy who breaks the lamp. There’s always one.

And so how is the party going so far? It seems to be winding down.

Comment by Glen — December 16, 2005 @ 3:27 pm

Glen - I see no horizontal scroll bar in Safari. Or Firefox. Although there is a mighty big one on the SIDE OF MY BROWSER.

As for the party winding down — a bunch of people already left for the weekend. But I suspect there will be a few stragglers coming in here and there. Not to mention, how hilarious of a situation will it be when people show up TOMORROW for the first time and all they find is an empty room?

So sad.

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 3:32 pm

Well I finally made it - man traffic was terrible. All that fog and rain and snow - goodness. Oh sorry, I tripped over Annabel. Guess those jell-o shots I took before the party at home were pretty strong!

I think that I will go over here to Neil stuffing his face and see if I can coax him into the closet with me. I have heard that he is feeling bad due to his remarks about Jews. I think I might be able to cheer him up.

wait gotta put one of those in - don’t want anyone to think that I am not having a good time. I think I need some of that cake.

Comment by Jewels — December 16, 2005 @ 3:57 pm

ok, who wrote that on my forehead?

Comment by Kathleen — December 16, 2005 @ 4:04 pm

Wow, I almost didn’t make it!!

Ok, I’m ready for my cranberry Kamikaze and then a few MGDs and then to top off the evening a shot of Jagermeister!

Now, I think I’ll go grab that guy with the Dorito breath and MAKE him dance!!!

Comment by Rachel — December 16, 2005 @ 4:21 pm

Ow. Nice meeting you, Jewel.

Comment by annabel lee — December 16, 2005 @ 4:29 pm

OKAY. Who put my blackberry in the toilet?

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 4:35 pm

Better late than never. I wanted to make sure someone donned the lampshade so I wouldn’t feel obligated. Pauly D: Crackberrys belong in the toilet - especially at parties. Am I too late for body shots? I brought some Cuervo…

Comment by Essy — December 16, 2005 @ 5:00 pm

I’m the one who grabs everybody’s ass on the way out the door and slips in the puke…

Comment by KidSis — December 16, 2005 @ 5:49 pm

I just came out of the bathroom with Dave2…why is everyone already passed out?

Comment by meme — December 16, 2005 @ 5:54 pm

Pauly, it was Meme. I swear to freaking God.

Comment by Lexie — December 16, 2005 @ 5:56 pm

I think I’m the wallflower/lurker. I rarely step out and when I do, it’s only to leave a pathetic comment like this.

Comment by margalit — December 16, 2005 @ 6:05 pm

Has anybody seen a drunk primate running around? I seem to have misplaced my monkey.

Comment by Dave2 — December 16, 2005 @ 6:16 pm

Meme - Finally, something happened at this party that I predicted would happen. (In addition to the primate throwing feces.)

Lexie - What did Meme do?

Margalit - Nice to see you step out of the shadows.

Uh Dave - look up. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone glue a primate to the ceiling.

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 6:27 pm

your blackberry in the toilet, silly.

Comment by Lexie — December 16, 2005 @ 6:28 pm

Did somebody order 10 pizzas? I don’t have any cash on me…

Comment by Bob Sassone — December 16, 2005 @ 6:32 pm

Meme hates my Blackberry. She’s always trying to do it ill-will.

Comment by Pauly D — December 16, 2005 @ 6:33 pm

what? he was just showing me the proper flossing techniques.

Comment by meme — December 16, 2005 @ 6:35 pm

and the blackberry…yes it was me, but i was trying to IM lexie while sitting on the toilet…i got confused, ok?!?! geez.

Comment by meme — December 16, 2005 @ 6:38 pm

Is there a kid’s table? An oversized kid’s table, perhaps?

Comment by Will — December 16, 2005 @ 7:09 pm

That freakin’ bad monkey just missed pooping on me from somewhere up above–Margalit, come help me find him and then yell at Dave!

Comment by Belinda — December 16, 2005 @ 7:16 pm

The mom who arrives late with spit up on her shoulder and a greasy pony tail, who REALLY wanted to hang out with some adults tonight, but had to wait until her baby-sitter showed up and has to leave soon so her babysitter can go to her own party, and who can’t stop showing everyone pictures of her darlin’ little kid, who everyone has heard WAY too much about… and….

Comment by Celena — December 16, 2005 @ 8:39 pm

um, I see that I’m way late like always…. did I miss anything? Great no good appetizers left just the celery tray. Thanks….

Comment by inky — December 16, 2005 @ 8:59 pm

oh geez, i always have to work late and then show up when everyone’s already drunk and the monkeys are hurling poo. where’s the snacks? zeega me up, baby! why is the punch THAT color? pour me a tall one! you’re probably drunk enough already that you won’t miss all the scented toiletries i’m about to loot from your bathroom! woohoo!

Comment by hadashi — December 16, 2005 @ 9:36 pm

Fire up the copy machine!

Comment by kartooner — December 16, 2005 @ 10:19 pm

Hey! I’ve been chatting with the bartender for the past few hours and so I haven’t bee “mingling” as I should. What? There’s no bartender? It was the monkey? Man. NOW I feel like an idiot.

Where’s Pauly? And where’s the nearest linen closet?

Comment by Amber — December 16, 2005 @ 10:27 pm

Heeeeey, zare’s Pauuuuuly. Comin outta the linen closhet with the. . .the. . .the (blink blink) monkey??!

No, no, no, no. giggle, giggle, hic. It’s not Pauly but zare was shome dude in za closhet with zat monkeeey. heeheehee.

Gots to be goin home now everbody. I tink my Jagered-up brain izz playin tricks, hic, on me. Hey, yur alllll bewiful, every one a ya.

Whoops. Giggle, giggle, who put that step zare?

Comment by Rachel — December 16, 2005 @ 10:50 pm

Alrighty then! I’ve finally managed to scrape my monkey off of the ceiling, so we’ll be leaving now. Thanks for a great party.

And, before I forget… you may want to check the curtains in the master bedroom. It turns out that Bad Monkey has started playing with matches again, and something must have happened when I went to get my coat.

Anyway, thanks again for th–

Oh great! Now he’s puking on your porch! WHO GAVE MY MONKEY THE JAGERMEISTER SHOTS?!?

Comment by Dave2 — December 16, 2005 @ 11:01 pm

Pauly has scented toiletries? Actually, I’m back home, but couldn’t sleep, so just called to make sure that everyone made it home OK. I forgot I was supposed to be designated driver. All that sobriety gone to waste…

Comment by Belinda — December 17, 2005 @ 12:01 am

Party…there was a party? Just call me the I got too busy and forgot gal. SHIT.

Comment by Kris — December 17, 2005 @ 12:31 am

i need some tylenol and i can’t find my shoes.

Comment by better safe than sorry — December 17, 2005 @ 5:05 am

Be careful of Belinda….. when she pulls out that Twister game, she also pulls out the Crisco.

It’s scary…. and she is terribly good at it, too.

Comment by Tony — December 17, 2005 @ 5:30 am

Doing the walk of shame home now…

Comment by Alissa — December 17, 2005 @ 5:32 am

I’m the type that stands in the coner that can’t think of a goddamn thing to say to anybody. Eats a few snacks, drinks a cup of punch and gets the hell out as fast as is fashionable.

Comment by Greek Shadow — December 17, 2005 @ 7:48 am

Just wanted to thank everyone for showing up — this year’s party was so amazing!

Except for the feces thing and Meme hooking up with Dave in the bathroom and Benny with his personal music collection and all the people who forgot to come.

If you’ve just arrived and no one’s here, try the Denny’s down the street.

Comment by Pauly D — December 17, 2005 @ 8:51 am

Ummm… I think there must have been some kind of mix-up when I was… uhhhhh…. “going to the bathroom” - because I woke up this morning wearing a pair of virtual panties instead of my virtual Joe Boxers.

Oh… and anybody who hooked up with my monkey last night should get themselves to the free clinic ASAP. Dirty monkey! DIRTY MONKEY!!

Comment by Dave2 — December 17, 2005 @ 9:55 am

Damn, I missed the party! Pauly, how about if I take you to lunch and you can tell me all the dirt?

Comment by LisaBinDaCity — December 17, 2005 @ 1:37 pm

Great. My invitation had the wrong date on it.

Oh well, thanks to the video, I feel like I’m there. That and the phrase “I seem to have misplaced my monkey” easily tops the list of the funniest phrases of the last six months.

Now… who’s site should I spend 6-8 glorious minutes visiting before pretending their site doesn’t exist when they get in on Monday???

Comment by tony — December 17, 2005 @ 2:53 pm

Just as in real life, I’m the person who shows up after the party is over. Oh well. Where’s the vacuum, Pauly?

Comment by Rabbit — December 17, 2005 @ 3:39 pm

By posting this now, I’m highlighting my common role of being the last guy at the party, hopefully only slightly overstaying my welcome, but just closing the damn thing down.

Comment by Fun Joel — December 17, 2005 @ 6:52 pm

Oh shit. I totally forgot about the party. I was really looking forward to meeting everyone and to being the dumper of controversial subject matter into the comments section. Oh well. Maybe next year.

Comment by Lynn — December 18, 2005 @ 2:19 pm

Is there a name for a person who spends much time thinking up excuses not to go to a party and then might arrive the next day?

Comment by pia — December 18, 2005 @ 3:44 pm

Hi, Pia. Nice to meet you. I’m Lynn. I am so happy to see someone else showed up late to this thing. Wanna go make out in the bathroom? It should be free, since nobody else is here.

Comment by Lynn — December 18, 2005 @ 7:43 pm

I guess it was meant to be. I was suffering through a power outage due to a horrific ice storm. Sorry I missed the festivities. I couldn’t even make copies of my butt. I did drink to you all, tho.

One IS the lonliest number.

Comment by nic — December 19, 2005 @ 7:03 am

Ummm… sorry I’m fashionably late. What does this make me? The Oversleeper?

Comment by Kevin — December 19, 2005 @ 7:56 am

Kevin - No, that makes you the flake. FLAKE! You do this all the time, don’t you? Sit at home eating pizza and watching HBO all the time trying to think up an excuse for why you didn’t go to a party you didn’t want to go in the first place…

Comment by Pauly D — December 19, 2005 @ 8:07 am

Woo hoo! Flakes can be managed easily by using Head and Shoulders which is available on the third shelf up in the haircare aisle at my local pharmacy where Seth Green most certainly does NOT shop.

But hey, this wouldn’t be a concern if you served quality e-alcohol at your virtual shindigs, now would it?

Comment by Kevin — December 19, 2005 @ 2:33 pm

The WFME Holiday Party

December 16th, 2005

Trackbacks & Pings

78 Comments »

Leave a comment

Latest Words

Their Words

Syndicated Words