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The WFME Holiday Party
Welcome to the WFME Holiday Party 2006.
After already attending a slew of holiday parties this season, with more on the way, I got to thinking that blogs and their communities should not be locked out in the digital snow while everyone else warmed up inside with a spiked cup of egg nog. Why not create an online, blog-centric holiday party for all to attend?
And so the reality of a WFME Holiday party became a…virtual reality.
Why not take a look around? Why not see who’s here? There might be people you’ve never seen before — those who you just passed by on your way in each day, or those who you’ve seen but never ever said hi to. There might be people who drive you crazy and there might be people who you’ve been waiting all year to punch in the face. There might be someone you want to drag into the linen closet and there might be someone you want to tell off… Either way, there’s something for everyone here at the WFME Holiday Party.
And isn’t that what holiday parties are for?
But while normal holiday parties have a slew of colorful characters “in the real world” so too does the WFME Digital Holiday Party here on the ‘ol blog. Check out what our real world holiday party regulars morph into when they show up at a holiday party thrown by a blog:
The First One To Arrive becomes The First One To Comment: This blog holiday party attendee always arrives first. Always on the index.html page before anyone else to scope out the posts and leave a comment. They might even mention that they’re the first one to comment. Knowing them, they always do. They love being first. Online, it doesn’t seem to be as much of an issue of not having anywhere else to go, or having no friends — it’s all about that speedy little RSS feed. So, you know, don’t look down on them too much.
The Office Whore becomes The Comment Whore: Sure there’s flirting. But mostly, the person who would hook up in the back linen closet with another co-worker ends up going to a slew of other people’s blogs — connecting up with them by clicking on their name in today’s comment section. At least at the office, the chances of ever finding out about this person’s indiscretions are less feasible than here, today. A simple click through to a variety of the sites connected to today’s attendees will reveal just who has gone “over there” to get their flirt on. You know who you are. You know that you do it. Why not just admit it and let people know you’re only here to scope “the meat?”
The A-Hole Who Always Gets In A Fight becomes The Harsh Word-meister: Threatening words. Bold predictions that insult. If you’re the person who will throw down in a real-world scenario, then you’re the person who is going to throw down here in the comment section. You’re gonna poke and prod and tease and taunt with every opportunity you can find. You’ll scope others’ words for something you can latch onto. You are ready to get down to business and your two hands, a QWERTY keyboard and your angry-wit is raring to go.
The Emotional Crying One becomes The Emoticon Using One: They’re happy. They love you. They love using smiley faces at the end of their comments. They want you to know that they think you’re funny and witty and clever and nice. They’re sweet and they’re prone to saying things like “so-and-so, I love you!” or “so-and-so, you crack me up!” or “so-and-so, I am so sitting here crying out of laughter that everyone at the office is staring at me”. They love everyone and everything. They’re always a great positive influx of energy.
The Fashion Plate becomes The Slick Gravatar-itron: If you get dressed like you’re going to a fashion show for real world holiday parties, you can bet money that you’re going to show up here today with a Gravatar icon that is slick, graphically-awesome, easy to identify what it is, and makes others want to go out and get their own Gravatar icon for all to see. Your cool graphic inspires everyone else to be a better graphically-inspiring person with an, um, icon. Good work!
The Dumper of Booze Into The Punch, Person becomes The Dumper of Controversial Subject Matter Into The Comment Section, Person: If they’re willing to add 100 proof vodka into the punch, they’re also going to throw in links into their own comments that will direct you places you may not want to go. Would you drink LSD-laced punch just because everyone else is doing it? If so, you’ll probably click on every unknown link these people throw your way.
The Friend From Out of Town becomes The First Time Visitor: Whether it’s your counting Indian friend from Pakistan or your recently divorced next-door neighbor — there’s always someone new showing up with a friend to holiday parties. Here, today — I’m sure it’s no different. First time visitors, friends of friends, people who have never shown up until today will arrive on the WFME holiday party doorstep. Most of them won’t say a thing. Some of them will. Who will they be?
The Drunkard becomes The Drunkard: Seemingly, they’re still drunk — except in this case they’re even sadder than before. They’re drinking alone. At home. In front of a computer. Typing. With one hand. While absentmindedly urinating in their pants. Way to go, drunkard!
Are you here today at the WFME Holiday Party representing one of the above people? If so, embrace your digital personality with gusto! Are you someone not included on the above list? Please — enlighten us. Because isn’t that what holiday parties like this are all about?
It’s about getting to know each other even better than we think we have throughout the year.
And on that note, here’s to a wonderful holiday for all WFME readers, friends, rivals and stalkers. Whether you’re celebrating Christmas, Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Churromunikah or Zeegamono (a holiday that involves eating by yourself and repeating the phrase “zeega” over and over again) — here’s hoping that everyone has a safe and happy holiday.
And before you go, don’t forget to pick up that digital envelope by the front page! WFME will be donating a small monetary amount on behalf of each and every commenter who joins us here today to a charity of our choosing that will be determined at a later date.
But face facts — there’s no real gifts. And if you complain about WFME giving money to someone needy on your behalf (instead of giving you a portable DVD player) you’re just gonna look like a jerk. Just like in the real world.
See? Some things never change.
That freakin’ bad monkey just missed pooping on me from somewhere up above–Margalit, come help me find him and then yell at Dave!
The mom who arrives late with spit up on her shoulder and a greasy pony tail, who REALLY wanted to hang out with some adults tonight, but had to wait until her baby-sitter showed up and has to leave soon so her babysitter can go to her own party, and who can’t stop showing everyone pictures of her darlin’ little kid, who everyone has heard WAY too much about… and….
um, I see that I’m way late like always…. did I miss anything? Great no good appetizers left just the celery tray. Thanks….
oh geez, i always have to work late and then show up when everyone’s already drunk and the monkeys are hurling poo. where’s the snacks? zeega me up, baby! why is the punch THAT color? pour me a tall one! you’re probably drunk enough already that you won’t miss all the scented toiletries i’m about to loot from your bathroom! woohoo!
Fire up the copy machine!
Hey! I’ve been chatting with the bartender for the past few hours and so I haven’t bee “mingling” as I should. What? There’s no bartender? It was the monkey? Man. NOW I feel like an idiot.
Where’s Pauly? And where’s the nearest linen closet?
Heeeeey, zare’s Pauuuuuly. Comin outta the linen closhet with the. . .the. . .the (blink blink) monkey??!
No, no, no, no. giggle, giggle, hic. It’s not Pauly but zare was shome dude in za closhet with zat monkeeey. heeheehee.
Gots to be goin home now everbody. I tink my Jagered-up brain izz playin tricks, hic, on me. Hey, yur alllll bewiful, every one a ya.
Whoops. Giggle, giggle, who put that step zare?
Alrighty then! I’ve finally managed to scrape my monkey off of the ceiling, so we’ll be leaving now. Thanks for a great party.
And, before I forget… you may want to check the curtains in the master bedroom. It turns out that Bad Monkey has started playing with matches again, and something must have happened when I went to get my coat.
Anyway, thanks again for th–
Oh great! Now he’s puking on your porch! WHO GAVE MY MONKEY THE JAGERMEISTER SHOTS?!?
Pauly has scented toiletries? Actually, I’m back home, but couldn’t sleep, so just called to make sure that everyone made it home OK. I forgot I was supposed to be designated driver. All that sobriety gone to waste…
Party…there was a party? Just call me the I got too busy and forgot gal. SHIT.
K.
i need some tylenol and i can’t find my shoes.
Be careful of Belinda….. when she pulls out that Twister game, she also pulls out the Crisco.
It’s scary…. and she is terribly good at it, too.
Doing the walk of shame home now…
I’m the type that stands in the coner that can’t think of a goddamn thing to say to anybody. Eats a few snacks, drinks a cup of punch and gets the hell out as fast as is fashionable.
Just wanted to thank everyone for showing up — this year’s party was so amazing!
Except for the feces thing and Meme hooking up with Dave in the bathroom and Benny with his personal music collection and all the people who forgot to come.
If you’ve just arrived and no one’s here, try the Denny’s down the street.
Ummm… I think there must have been some kind of mix-up when I was… uhhhhh…. “going to the bathroom” – because I woke up this morning wearing a pair of virtual panties instead of my virtual Joe Boxers.
Oh… and anybody who hooked up with my monkey last night should get themselves to the free clinic ASAP. Dirty monkey! DIRTY MONKEY!!
Damn, I missed the party! Pauly, how about if I take you to lunch and you can tell me all the dirt?
Great. My invitation had the wrong date on it.
Oh well, thanks to the video, I feel like I’m there. That and the phrase “I seem to have misplaced my monkey” easily tops the list of the funniest phrases of the last six months.
Now… who’s site should I spend 6-8 glorious minutes visiting before pretending their site doesn’t exist when they get in on Monday???
Just as in real life, I’m the person who shows up after the party is over. Oh well. Where’s the vacuum, Pauly?
By posting this now, I’m highlighting my common role of being the last guy at the party, hopefully only slightly overstaying my welcome, but just closing the damn thing down.
Oh shit. I totally forgot about the party. I was really looking forward to meeting everyone and to being the dumper of controversial subject matter into the comments section. Oh well. Maybe next year.
Is there a name for a person who spends much time thinking up excuses not to go to a party and then might arrive the next day?
Hi, Pia. Nice to meet you. I’m Lynn. I am so happy to see someone else showed up late to this thing. Wanna go make out in the bathroom? It should be free, since nobody else is here.
I guess it was meant to be. I was suffering through a power outage due to a horrific ice storm. Sorry I missed the festivities. I couldn’t even make copies of my butt. I did drink to you all, tho.
One IS the lonliest number.
Ummm… sorry I’m fashionably late. What does this make me? The Oversleeper?
Kevin – No, that makes you the flake. FLAKE! You do this all the time, don’t you? Sit at home eating pizza and watching HBO all the time trying to think up an excuse for why you didn’t go to a party you didn’t want to go in the first place…
Woo hoo! Flakes can be managed easily by using Head and Shoulders which is available on the third shelf up in the haircare aisle at my local pharmacy where Seth Green most certainly does NOT shop.
But hey, this wouldn’t be a concern if you served quality e-alcohol at your virtual shindigs, now would it?
Holy Crap. 77+ comments.
Paul, you really knows how to throw a party in the comments.
Or at least the commenters do.
I shop for christmas presents on the day after christmas.