My Not-So Indecent Proposal
December 15th, 2005
You’ve seen Indecent Proposal?
That’s the movie where a couple (Demi Moore & Woody Harrelson) go to Vegas and meet a billionaire businessman (Robert Redford) who offers the woman one million dollars to spend a night with him. The couple, who desperately want to build their dream house take the deal, and the night in question rips apart the very fabric of the relationship after the husband finds out that his wife slept with Mr. Moneybags. So very sad and depressing.
But if it was me, and I could throw around a million bucks in return for getting you to do whatever I wanted — here’s the list of things I’d have you do over the course of our night together:
- Eat Play-Doh. I’ve always wanted to see someone eat Play-Doh but no matter how much you try to convince someone to eat Play-Doh they always back down in the very end. Oh, sure — they’ll hold up a tiny little pea sized piece of Play-Doh in front of their mouth and then at the very last minute say something like, “Oh, you’re crazy — I ain’t eating no Play-Doh!” But if I had a million bucks and you for the night… Well, some of that blueberry colored Play-Doh is going in your mouth and down that gullet!
- Play Ding-Dong-Doorbell Ditch. Why did becoming an adult suddenly make playing this game wrong? I used to have so much fun playing this game. You sneak up to a house, you hold your breath, you ring the doorbell and then you run like crazy! These days, when I’m out with friends at a dinner party or what-not and people ask what we should do next and I suggest ringing people’s doorbells and running away I’m usually met with confused stares or comments about my immaturity. Well, for a million bucks, you’re gonna be doing the doorbell ringing if you know what I mean.
- Try the cold cuts in the fridge that have an old “sell by date” on them. This has always been a huge mystery for me. When exactly does the cold cuts go bad? Does it go bad the day after the sell by date? Two days after? I would give you cold cuts that were 1,2,3,4 and 5 days past the sell by date and have you try a piece from each package. After each test, we’d wait a half hour and do something else like run away from people’s doors or eat Play-Doh or what not, and see if the meat was bad or not based on your coloring. I want to know the answer, and for a million bucks I would so get what was coming to me.
- Watch the entire first season of Sea Lab 2021. Yes, it’s a cartoon. Yes, it doesn’t look funny. Yes, no one will watch it with me. Yes, tonight you will.
- Stick your hand in that ambiguous hole in the back corner of the closet. No one knows what’s in there. A flashlight can’t make it bright enough to see inside. I’d ask that you just hold your hand all the way in there for a few minutes and see what happens. It would, at least, once and for all solve the riddle of the ambiguous hole in the back of the closet.
- Sing along with me to the Spice Girls. No matter what anyone says, the Spice Girls are a band that was ahead of their time. They were awesome. Yet if I am caught dead singing along to their songs today, I can pretty much kiss my entire fortune goodbye. We’ll retire to a sound-proof room where I will play the original self-titled debut album by the Spice Girls one time through. I’ll provide you with the lyrics on a sheet of paper. You and me, we’ll sing till we either can’t sing no more or until some of that bad meat causes you to get sick.
- Empty the dishwasher. Will you empty the dishwasher for me so I don’t have to?
- Go up to people who look familiar to me and find out how I know them. I see these people all over town — I’ve either gone to high school with them, gone to college with them, worked with them or seen them on TV. Hell if I know. You’ll go up with my stats and casually find out if they know any of the people on my list, if they’ve been to any of the recent parties I think they were at, and if they’re famous — you’ll get their John Hancock.
- Sit and clean out my TiVo. There are way too many shows that TiVo has decided to record on its own accord that I will never watch. Ever. But that whole click on the show, then click on delete, then click on YES I am sure I want to delete, then go back to the main menu and continue down the list is a process that drives me crazy. And while you’re at it can you delete all the old Season Passes that are for shows that aren’t even on the air anymore? Can you do that for me? Thanks.
- Make me a lanyard keychain. I used to know how to do this when I went to a camp that gave you a choice of archery or learning to make a lanyard keychain. I chose the lanyard keychain. I can no longer remember how to do it. But for a million bucks, you can figure it out.
- Dress up in a cellular phone costume and accost people out in front of my house, asking them if they’d like to make a call. That’s all, just that. I’ll be in the bushes across the street just, um, laughing.
- Call your husband and pretend we’re sleeping together. I mean, we might as well make him *think* something like that is going on. I mean, you *are* getting a million bucks. Let the guy sweat a little. When all is said and done you can tell him the real truth of what went on. But if we can pretend and get him to gasp over the phone or get all pissy, that would be almost as fun as ringing doorbells.
It’s an easy deal for a million bucks if you ask me.
And it may just be me, but I think that after a night like this, your husband wouldn’t probably care much that you did it (unless your breath smelled like Play-Doh — I mean, c’mon eat a mint or something) and you would be able to build your dream house and your marriage would stay intact and everything would be happy and copacetic in the end.
So I’m a rich guy, big deal. I got you to do a few things that you normally wouldn’t want to do.
You’ll get over it.
The scary thing is that you could probably find people willing to do all that stuff for free on Craigslist.
Me? I’d need the million dollars.
Well, for everything except watching Sealab 2021… THAT I would gladly do for free! Do you have a big-screen TV?
Comment by Dave2 — December 15, 2005 @ 8:18 am
Trust me, Dave. I’ve tried Craigslist. Sure, people jump at the chance of cleaning out your TiVo — but the rest of the stuff? Everybody wants money to do this crap.
Sigh.
Comment by Pauly D — December 15, 2005 @ 8:20 am
Paul, I’d do all that for HALF a million. Seriously! Call and let me know when you want to get together.
Comment by the swede — December 15, 2005 @ 8:31 am
When I was in nursery school we made peanut butter play-doh. We got to make shapes out of it then eat it. There’s always that option.
Comment by Hilary — December 15, 2005 @ 8:47 am
I’ve seen a couple episode of Sealab. Not worth it. But if there’s no making out involved, then hey, I’ll spend that kind of a night with you for a million bucks.
Comment by Keith — December 15, 2005 @ 8:54 am
1. Ew. I don’t think I could do it.
2. Sure, no problem.
3. See #1.
4. Never heard of it, but how bad could it be?
5. A few minutes? I don’t think I could. 5 seconds, sure. But not a few minutes.
6. If you’ve got lyrics, I’ll sing with you, no problem. But then you’ll need to help me find a way to get that “I really really really wanna zig a zig ha!” out of my head, mm-kay?
7. Not a problem. I won’t put things away, mind you, but I’ll take them out of the dishwasher.
8. Sure. I have no qualms about stuff like this. And if you see DK and it turns out you *do* know him…there’s gonna be hell to pay, mister.
9. For a million bucks, I’d do this. But they really need to come up with a way to let you delete more than one show at a time.
10. I might actually still remember how to do this.
11. As long as you’re just laughing, and not doing anything else in those bushes, Pauly!
12. I can’t do that. Because I don’t have a husband. Because, y’know, I’m single.
Comment by annabel lee — December 15, 2005 @ 9:06 am
2 million
Comment by Kathleen — December 15, 2005 @ 9:41 am
1. my kids have eaten pounds of this stuff over the years, it’s non toxic
2. yup, i sure do know how to ring a bell
3. my son will eat anything, doesn’t matter what the date is or the colour
4. never heard of it
5. that’s where the dust bunnies have sex, give them a break and leave them alone, isn’t bad enough they get no privacy under your bed
6. i don’t need lyrics on a sheet of paper, that disc has been played in my house more than a million times, thanks girls!
7. stop toying with my emotions
8. i can do that and i’ll finger print them too, just in case
9. i have no idea what that is, we don’t have it here, i’ll have to call in a professional
10. i was a girl guide leader for many years, i can do that blindfolded
11. ask perfect strangers if they want to press my buttons, ummm, ok
12. no pretending, i’m going to ride that pony!!!
you can just make my cheque out to cash, thanks.
Comment by better safe than sorry — December 15, 2005 @ 9:43 am
just kidding - no deal
Comment by Kathleen — December 15, 2005 @ 9:43 am
Y’know, they really put too much salt in Play-Doh.
I still play “Ring-n-Run! (except on Halloween)
Expired cold cuts are perfectly good. And if you hit the back of Publix at the right time, so are the hamburger and chicken.
Is lanyard what we used to call boondoggle?
Hell, I should be paying YOU! These are fun.
Comment by nic — December 15, 2005 @ 9:47 am
Kathleen - TWO million!? Man, and then you backed out on the 2 million request? I would do all these things for $17.50.
Nic - I have no idea what the back of the Publix is, but it sounds to me like you’re a garbage eater.
Comment by Pauly D — December 15, 2005 @ 10:06 am
Publix is a supermarket. And that’s MS. Garbage Eater to you.
Comment by nic — December 15, 2005 @ 10:13 am
This group will eat your coldcuts for free, probably the Play Doh as well. http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/...
Comment by Brie — December 15, 2005 @ 10:58 am
you should include laundry folding in that list, and cleaning lint and various artifacts hiding within your couches. i would also make someone clean any and all spider webs out of my house… i hate spiders! why do they call some webs cobwebs and some spider webs? make someone tell you THAT as well!
Comment by Shawna — December 15, 2005 @ 1:18 pm
Shawna - Cobwebs are spider webs that have been abandoned and no longer house spiders. Spiderwebs are webs with no vacancy, as the spiders are still living there.
Comment by Pauly D — December 15, 2005 @ 1:23 pm
You had me until the lanyard…
Comment by LisaBinDaCity — December 15, 2005 @ 2:54 pm
If I PayPal you the $17.50… do I get photo verification that you did, in fact, complete all tasks? I mean, for anything under $10.50, I’d take your word for it. But for $17.50, I’m going to need some proof here…
Comment by Dave2 — December 15, 2005 @ 2:55 pm
Dave - For $17.50 you get a certificate of completion (i.e. I’ve completed these things) but that’s it. For $1,000,017.50 you get photographic and video proof.
Comment by Pauly D — December 15, 2005 @ 3:09 pm
i am scared of the hole in the closet.
and of old meat.
i can’t do it. i am a wimp.
Comment by ms. sizzle — December 15, 2005 @ 3:13 pm
i would do most of those things for either free, or $50. #3 gives me pause. i’m afraid of expired food products.
Comment by jodi — December 15, 2005 @ 3:16 pm
You had me ’til emptying the dishwasher. I’ve been known to wash my dishes by hand for a month before some visited to empty the dishwaser. For some reason, I just HATE that chore. Glad I’m not the only one!
Comment by Essy — December 15, 2005 @ 4:16 pm
For the record, I have eaten Play-Doh. It’s way saltier than advertised.
“Try the cold cuts in the fridge that have an old “sell by date” on them.”
Actually, cold cuts grow bacteria on them long before the date of “expiration.” Companies make the date when they do because it doesn’t start to look bad until a week or two after. Not-so-fun fact.
Comment by Glen C. — December 15, 2005 @ 4:18 pm
I would do all for free except 7. and 12. Play-Doh can’t be that bad and I think rotten cold cuts might taste like Play-Doh, so no big deal. 2., harrassing people can be fun! Don’t mind cleaning out the TiVo, I can listen to a little Spice Girls while I do it. Gotta get paid for:
7. Because I hate emptying my own dishwasher so I’m sure as hell not emptying yours for free.
12. Because he’s big and hates to play games, but for a million bucks? Sure, why not.
Comment by Rachel — December 15, 2005 @ 4:31 pm
I’ll empty the dishwasher, but only if you’ll reload it.
Comment by Jaclyn — December 15, 2005 @ 4:34 pm
Gosh, I really wish I had someone to follow me around and perform #8 for me on a daily basis. That bugs the heck out of me.
Oh, and by the way—ambiguous hole? Count me out.
Comment by Will — December 15, 2005 @ 4:59 pm
I’m in. And I will donate all the money I receive to charity. I am just that nice.
Comment by Lynn — December 15, 2005 @ 5:10 pm
Lynn - I am pleased to accept your offer. You do have a husband we can screw with for #12, right?
Comment by Pauly D — December 15, 2005 @ 5:11 pm
Affirmative.
Comment by Lynn — December 15, 2005 @ 5:18 pm
A quick TiVo shortcut: Just highlight the show that you want to delete and instead of pressing select -> delete -> yes, just hit the clearbutton in the bottom left hand corner of the remote, then pressing select. So just highlight the program to delete and hit clear.
Now you can use your million dollars to do something more useful, like to duct tape someone to the roof of your a car while you drive 100mph on the highway….in the rain.
Comment by Geremy F — December 15, 2005 @ 5:59 pm
Wow, so it seems like I’m in agreement w/ many of your extraordinarily intelligent and witty commentators when I say that I would do all of these things willingly except eat the old lunch meat.
I have a delicate constitution, you see, and expired pickle loaf would put me out of commission.
You’re weird, Pauly D., and I like it.
Comment by jenny — December 15, 2005 @ 7:21 pm
That’s it? Half that stuff I do anyway for free.
For a million bucks you could have so gotten me to do more.
The only problem I have is the calling hisband thing, no husband… but I’ll call whoever you want and tell them I’m sleeping with you… my parents, your parents, the guy that use to beat ya up in grade school, the pope… you name it.
I’m free this weekend, we could knock all this out Saturday/Sunday.
Comment by anonymous city girl — December 15, 2005 @ 11:00 pm
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ll sing Spice Girls with you for free. I love those damn girls, I don’t care what anyone says.
Comment by Clora C. — December 15, 2005 @ 11:03 pm
I’d beat the swede and offer up my services on all accounts for $499,999.95 (blue light special). Alas, I have no husband to account for. But, at that price, my wife will talk in a low rumble.
Comment by Kevin — December 16, 2005 @ 8:53 am
I’ve got the $17.50 RIGHT HERE, just for #s 7 & 8. I hate those things, too. I guess you’d want airfare, too, though. I’d probably have to cough up the mil just to get someone to fly to Arkansas.
And you will never fully solve The Riddle without taking that closet wall out. I mean, an unmutilated hand could just mean that whatever lives back there is asleep, or visiting relatives, or programming your TiVo.
Comment by Belinda — December 16, 2005 @ 3:05 pm
…you REALLY wouldn’t list sex?
Comment by C(h)ristine — December 17, 2005 @ 1:38 am