If I Was A Hotshot Rock Climber

“It’s been a rocky week,” I’d say and then laugh my ass off.

It would be just one of many trademark hilarious phrases I would spout throughout my daily conversations if I was a hotshot rock climber. It would compliment my always tan face, my white-powdery hands, and that awesome key chain I’d have that would be made out of carabiner — except I’d have a reason for keeping my keys on one.

Afterall, it would all make sense since I was a hotshot rock climber.

“Life is filled with ups and downs,” I’d say very seriously to you one night at dinner (while still wearing my prAna Nitro Pullover with movement inspired fit). And then while you were staring at me in awe because all you do is sit at a desk all day making sure your post-its don’t fall off that bulliten board, I would illustrate with a slab of butter how I try to keep myself from falling off a sheer rock cliff with hardly any areas to grip onto. I would sprinkle some salt on top of the slab of butter and say something like, “You see those salt crystals? Do you? Do you see them? There, in the butter. No, not there. Over there. Yeah. No, look down. Down! Here. See those salt crystals? Why are you looking at me, look down at the salt crystals!”

Of course I would probably realize that sitting under those flourescent lights for your entire adult life had fried your brain and no matter what I said you’d still not look at the salt crystals I was using to illustrate the rough feel that a sheer cliff (which looks smooth) actually has.

“It may look smooth,” I’d say… “But every rock has something to grab.” Then I’d rub my unshaven, tan, chisled chin for dramatic effect.

Dates would always be fun. Since, as a hotshot rock climber, I would always be wearing the hotshot climbing outfits (even though I’d be out in the normal world), I would also always have rope and carabiners hanging from my belt. This would, of course, be my way of flirting throughout a date — I would simply wind up a bunch of rope, reel you in, and say something like, “Grab my hand if you want to live.”

You would. They all would. After all… I would be a hotshot rock climber.

Of course, dinner with your parents for the first time might be awkward at first. Your dad, of course, would be concerned about my ropes and my carabiners and my Blue Water Lightning Pro Dry-Rope. Having not told him what I did (would it really be a question in anyone’s mind anyway), he might ask me what I wanted to do… As a hotshot rock climber, I would have that speech memorized:

“I don’t want to sit stoic, sit alone, or sit at all for a career. I don’t want to wear a suit, buy a suit, work in a job requiring a suit or suit-up for a job that suggests I wear a suit. I don’t want to not be able to have rope, use rope, or be looked down upon for having some rope. If the job I have requires a suit and no rope, well, as a hotshot rock climber I’d have to say that I wouldn’t want to do that.”

He would stare at me with a ludicrous expression on his face and then smile wide. I would ace that dinner and that first meeting just as I had aced my upper body technique while climbing Zimbabwe’s Chimanimani mountain ranges.

“I’m at the apex of my career,” I might tell people.

I would live in a huge penthouse at the top of a building that had no stairs or elevator or any other way to get to the top floor except for climbing. I would not have furniture in my sparsely decorated house except for every single wall would be a climbing wall and my fridge would be at the top of said climbing walls so that the calories attached to each and every piece of food I would ingest would already be burned out of my system by the time I climbed up to get it. I would have a dog who would not be a hotshot rock climber like me, but would be able to jump really high due to his really strong hind quarters.

In the canine world, jumping high is the equivalent of being a hotshot rock climber.

I would imagine the moment of my death over and over again. I would plan that it would come during one of my more risky climbs — high above a craggy cliff or rocky shore. I would lay in bed at night practicing that one line I would scream out into the barren wasteland around me as I fell to my death:

“I knew this time would come!” I’d scream… “I knew this time would come but I’ve been ready for you to come for me dear Lord since I became a hotshot rock climbing God and I just want you to know that-“

That would be about the time I’d land on the ground, leaving my earthly body behind.

It would be the most dramatic ending to my hotshot life ever, and the fact that no one would know what I was going to say to the Lord of the Universe would just further the “legend of me” throughout the hotshot rock climbing community. People would try to figure out just what it was that I was going to say from “I did it all and I am ready now” to “I think I slipped a disc” but would it really matter at all?

I would have been a hotshot rock climber in life and in death, and that my friends, would be all that would have mattered.

“You can get blood from a rock,” I’d say with a sly grin on my face during our big lunch interview for Rock & Ice: The Climber’s Magazine. To prove just that, I’d outline how I was hanging upside down from a particularly slick rock with one hand (just like Tom Cruise pretended to do in Mission Impossible 2) and explain to you how blood had started to drip from my hand… I would be quick to stop the bleeding, but as soon as I reached the top and looked to my hand to clean my wound… I would realize that my hand had no wound at all… And that the blood… “Yes,” I would nod… “That the blood must have spilled forth from the rock itself!”

You would stare at me, wondrously. In awe. Admiring my skill, my courage… and my carabiners. After all, being a hotshot rock climber is what every human being aspires to be. Even hotshot rock climbing magazine writers like yourself.

“Nyah, nyah, nyah,” is what I’d say. Cause I would be a hotshot rock climber and you…?

Well… You wouldn’t.

17 comments on “If I Was A Hotshot Rock Climber

  1. C Ro - December 12, 2005 at 8:49 am -

    If you know so much about rock climbing, how come you’re here at like the Gas ‘n’ Sip on a Saturday night completely alone drinking beers with no rock wall anywhere?

  2. Pauly D - December 12, 2005 at 8:57 am -

    By choice, C Ro. By choice.

  3. annabel lee - December 12, 2005 at 8:58 am -

    I would live in a huge penthouse at the top of a building that had no stairs or elevator or any other way to get to the top floor except for climbing.

    So I guess all your dates would have to be hotshot rock climbers, too? Or would you just carry them up to your penthouse in a fireman’s carry, as an additional hotshot rock-climbing challenge?

  4. the swede - December 12, 2005 at 9:13 am -

    annabel lee, our dear Pauly would obviously be such a hotshot rock climber that he’d attract many women. Many women. Therefore, he’d want to be able to keep them at an arm’s length (or wall’s height) when needed and always make a point of going to their place.

    When you’re a hotshot rock climber you’re entitled to your own space. The women wouldn’t mind, they’d feel so privileged to have caught his eye in the first place. Obviously, Hotshot Rock Climber Pauly D would be the man.

  5. better safe than sorry - December 12, 2005 at 9:48 am -

    i guess you’re favorite movie would be cliffhanger, but as you are a hotshot rock climber, you would never actually sit down to watch it, you’re too busy being a hotshot rock climber for such frivilous things as watching a movie, even though it does have a hot rock climber in it;) i’ll have to be content with this movie, as i’m not a hotshot rock climber and can only dream about your life while i sit on the couch with my drink and bag of chips and enjoy the hot rock climber on his adventure. woe is me.

  6. Pauly D - December 12, 2005 at 10:51 am -

    BSTS – Actually Cliffhanger wouldn’t be my favorite movie. It would be Rocky, Rock n’ Roll High School and Red Rock West.

  7. Neil - December 12, 2005 at 11:05 am -

    And Rock Hudson films…

  8. Kevin - December 12, 2005 at 11:36 am -

    And Detroit Rock City? Which then moves us into the KISS foray in which Pauly admits his obsessive love for KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park. Woo hoo!!

  9. jmorrison - December 12, 2005 at 12:49 pm -

    short version: if you were a hotshot rock cliffhanger i’d despise you.

    slightly longer version: if you were a hotshot rock cliffhanger i’d despise you. not because you were all lithe and cat-like with windblown, sun-bleached hair. not because of your perma-tan and macho, callused palms. not because you’d always be wearing your perfectly-worn-in ultra-tech-gear no matter the occasion… no, those things are of no import to such as i. they would simply make you an annoyance. i’d despise you because of the endless string of rock related puns you’d employ in conversation. THAT would be the unforgivable offense and because of it i’d make sure that you got a good close look at the rocks located at the very the base of your favorite cliff. preferably at an extremely high velocity… with much attendant mid-air twitching and yelping… and an appropriate amount of spandex wetting.

    then i would quietly tut, “Nyah, nyah, nyah,” under my breath, because i was alive, in my sedantary way, and you were a hotshot rock cliffhanger no more… and all would be in balance again in the universe.

  10. Pauly D - December 12, 2005 at 12:53 pm -

    Well it appears as if Hotshot Rock Climber has finally found his nemesis, The “Tutter” (a.k.a. Jmorrison).

    Finally, my search for my arch-nemesis is complete, and it only took me two decades to figure out that the best way to find you was to post something like this on my blog (instead of, for example, causing a train to crash and hoping that the only survivor was to be the complete opposite of me.)

  11. LisaBinDaCity - December 12, 2005 at 1:12 pm -

    If you used that kind of dialogue as “a hotshot rock climber” I would make sure I cut the ropes behind you 😉

  12. Brie - December 12, 2005 at 1:17 pm -

    i enjoyed this purely for the “say anything” reference.

  13. Rabbit - December 12, 2005 at 6:18 pm -

    “I would simply wind up a bunch of rope, reel you in, and say something like, ‘Grab my hand if you want to live.'”

    Damn, that would totally work on me.

  14. kristine - December 12, 2005 at 6:39 pm -

    you crack me up, PD. look at the “crystals”!

    this should be a skit. can you do a video, please? it’s time WFME lowered the limbo bar. or something similar in rock-climbing terms.

  15. Rachel - December 12, 2005 at 6:50 pm -

    I don’t think people with big heads and small hands should be climbing rocks.

  16. Lynn - December 12, 2005 at 8:33 pm -

    This is the hottest I’ve seen you, Pauly D, since making your acquaintance.

  17. kristine - December 13, 2005 at 10:38 am -

    i’m still laughing.
    AND IT’S THE NEXT DAY.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.