I Cannot Get Through ‘The Ring’
December 8th, 2005
It’s true.
I mean, why would I lie about being so afraid of the horror-film The Ring that I cannot even make it past the very first scene where they open that closet door and find that girl in there with her face all melty and weird. There’s no reason for me to lie about trying to watch it at 3pm in the afternoon and still having to turn the damn thing off.
And it’s not just The Ring. I am a horror-movie wuss.
If I could only count the horror movies that freaked me out on one hand, I would be a happy soul. But alas, the list begins with Poltergeist and continues all the way to that freaky Sarah Michelle Gellar movie where some hand comes out of some guys head while they’re in the elevator.
Don’t ask me what movie it is or what it’s called — all I know is that as soon as I saw the hand coming out of someone’s head I had to turn the channel, close the laptop or turn away from the movie poster.
It’s that bad.
Don’t ask me to watch The Exorcist or The Shining or Nightmare on Elm Street or The Exorcism of Emily Rose or The Amityville Horror or Carrie or I Know What You Did Last Summer or Saw or The Blair Witch Project any other movie that involves melting faces, sharpened blades, Rube Goldberg-esque killing machines, guys in masks, women in peril or forests.
Forests are the worst. Honestly. That old adage, “does a tree make a sound in the forest if it falls and no one is there to hear it?” has a specific answer that I can give you:
“Don’t ask me, cause I’d never be caught dead in a forest alone.”
But there are also scares in movies that have nothing to do with the horror-element. They are elements that scare me for other reasons that are both insane, ludicrous and you’ll probably agree…100% legitimate.
Take The Fly — a movie that is more creepy than scary. But what makes it a movie that I am unable to watch is the fact that Jeff Goldblum grows these huge coarse hairs on his back (that’s the first thing) and that he pulls off his fingernails! Ack! He pulls off his fingernails, people. Every time I meet someone who has slammed their hand in a car door and they’ve got that black fingernail thing going on I can’t even look at them because all I think about is the damn Fly and how sooner or later they’re gonna have to pull off that dead fingernail like Jeff Goldblum and I won’t be surprised if it has that icky, sticky liquid thing accompanying the nail-pull scenario.
Or perhaps take Super Mario Bros. — one of the worst video game movie adaptations to ever be made. The movie itself is a silly little romp but I cannot watch it because all I think about are the Producers whose lives were ruined as a result. Somewhere, some guy is sitting in a room surrounded by Super Mario Bros. posters and promotional materials to this day and his whole career has been ruined by one single idea. That, of course, freaks me out. For what if the same “death by one-idea” scenario comes my way. I don’t need to be thinking about this!
And what about Stand By Me? Sure, it’s more a coming of age story, but for a guy like me who has had food poisoning more than once and is deathly afraid of getting it again — what do you think that pie-eating, throwing-up sequence does to me? I. Cannot. Watch. It. Without. Gagging. I literally have to skip over the entire sequence or not watch the movie at all. (Sorry WW.)
The list of fears related to non-horror movies has grown long and even more ridiculous over the years. From not being able to watch Something’s Gotta Give because I can’t look at Diane Keaton’s wrinkly face, to refusing to watch Napoleon Dynamite for fear of it continuing to not live up to the almost-unexplainable hype, to not going near How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days for fear of continuing to like it waaaay to much, to avoiding Rounders so that online poker obsession does not continue to grow like a fungus that cannot be killed, to staying away from Big Night strictly so I don’t get hungry and then can’t cook anything that remotely resembles the food in that flick, to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest (big mute Indians), The Money Pit (home improvement going wrong), Prefontaine (running, in general) and Pulp Fiction (being trapped in a box) — they list goes on and on and on and on.
The moments of real life (and how it relates to us as individuals) are sometimes more scary than the terror-filled moments of traditional horror flicks.
So what’s a guy to do? Stop watching movies altogether for fear of seeing something that scares him? Turn off the TVs and the radio and not go out into public? Plug up ones’ ears so the sounds won’t get in?
No, no, no, no no and no. (I added a ‘no’ for effect, FYI.)
We must stand strong against such not-so-scary, scary movies. We must realize that although certain subjects make us think of our own lives and then turn into obsessive-compulsive fears that have no merit in the real (non-fantasy) world — that in the end, Diane Keaton’s face or big huge mute Indians aren’t nearly as scary as one very poignant thing:
Melty faces.
Just admit it. It’s okay.
Melty faces freak the living crap out of you.
All I can say Pauly, is that I’m with you on this one.
Comment by Hilary — December 8, 2005 @ 8:18 am
It’s nice to have friends who are just as ludicriously-scared as yourself.
Comment by Pauly D — December 8, 2005 @ 8:23 am
Oh, how I love this word ludicriously. Seriously, thats awesome.
Comment by benny — December 8, 2005 @ 8:28 am
I think the horror movie SMG was in was “The Grudge”. There is a little elevator scene in it but I don’t remember a hand coming out of a head. Maybe I’m thinking of a different movie or maybe I just blanked in out in some desperate act of subconscious self-preservation because basically I couldn’t sleep or go anywhere near children for a week afterwards.
But I love horror movies.
Did she really leave a message on your phone? Or are you just intimating that it was her?
Comment by Pierce — December 8, 2005 @ 8:37 am
Pierce - All I’m saying is I got the message. Whether or not it was SMG is up to interpretation. But it sounded like her.
Comment by Pauly D — December 8, 2005 @ 8:44 am
the movie with Geller is called “The Grudge”! same director as the ring but without Speilberg watering it down… but then it could just be that I lived in Tokyo for 2 years and understand all the really freaky underlying symbolism that most western audiences wouldn’t get.
and as far as horror movies go.. The Ring, and Grudge are the new standard for “scariness” (previously held for a very long time by Exorcist). so don’t feel bad… the whole evil for the sake of evil is not common in western horror… ususally the writers whimp out , with an inexplicable compulsion to “Explain” the evil…
anyway…
yes melty faces disturb me…
my freak the hell our of me thing is when the special effects guys do the funky convulsion/flickering ghost/inhumanly quick insect-like jerky movement thing.
House on Haunted hill an otherwise slightly humorous and really not-scary movie is renedered unwatchable for me because of one of the ghosts uses this effect. the girl in the ring comming out of the television right at the end is just as bad as is the girl in the grudge comming down the stairs.
Comment by Sierra — December 8, 2005 @ 8:48 am
You raise an interesting point, however…
Is it scarier to see a hand coming out of a guy’s head, or going into it? And is it any scarier if it takes place in an elevator?
Comment by Fun Joel — December 8, 2005 @ 8:55 am
melty faces? scary.
little boy meowing? terrifying.
unseen witches putting you in the corner of abandoned buildings in the forest before they kill you? capable of changing my hiking and camping habits
that movie where a chick is trying to clutch for dear life on a slap of concrete floor, thusly resulting in her broken fingernail? totally made me throw up in my mouth a little.
but i STILL love to watch them.
Comment by kristine — December 8, 2005 @ 8:59 am
One of my favorite movies is “The Sixth Sense” because it scares me to death. However, since I live alone, I no longer watch it, because my imagination will run wild once the lights are out and I’ll swear that I see dead people. Gaaaaaahhhhh! Even thinking about it is freaking me out!!
Comment by Amber — December 8, 2005 @ 9:18 am
I still don’t get the hype behind The Blair Witch Project. They’re hiking… they’re fighting… they’re running… more running… more fighting… someone’s crying and she’s got snot running out of her nose… and then it’s over.
Comment by Keith — December 8, 2005 @ 9:24 am
Joel - Elevators are scary. Elevators with hands coming out of my head, even scarier.
Amber - I couldn’t even watch The Sixth Sense on TV with the horrible parts edited out. Freeeeaaaky.
Keith - You are such a killjoy. Don’t you think having snot running out your nose without having any tissues is scary!? I think that final moment of the movie, actually, with the guy in the corner — I think he’s wiping his nose on the wall. Aaaaaaah!!
Comment by Pauly D — December 8, 2005 @ 9:27 am
That animated movie with the Tom Hanks and the train to the north pole that came out last Christmas is the scariest movie I never saw. The trailers with his freaky drawn face creeped me the F out.
Comment by C Ro — December 8, 2005 @ 9:28 am
I cannot watch horror movies, I never saw Blair Witch, the Ring, the Grudge, Saw I & II. No thanks. I saw the preview for Pulse the other day before Jarhead and was freaked out just from the previews, I almost had to leave the theater.
And I’m with you Pauly, Diane Keaton’s face… let alone the fact that someone is having sex with her which throws in the potential for an “O” face totally creeps me out.
Comment by Alissa — December 8, 2005 @ 9:32 am
I’m a total and complete scary movie wuss too. Even hearing the music from The Exorcist freaks me out. I think the last scary movie I saw was Signs which in the end turned out to be the most ridiculous movie.
What’s really scary? Knowing that eventually I’ll have just as many wrinkles as Diane Keaton but then won’t we all?
Comment by Rachel — December 8, 2005 @ 10:02 am
Just for clarification, the part with the hand coming out of the head is when she is taking a shower. I made it a point to pay extra attention to that scene several times and twice in slow motion.
Anyhow, I must admit that it’s never the movie that freaks me out…it’s writing the movie in my mind. You get that creepy music in the background and you know something is going to happen, you keep saying to yourself “Oh, here it comes, this is going to be intense…I better look away.” Then once you see what went on you’re mind is “That’s it? I could have done better than that.”
I guess if you just have a messed up mind such as mine and the ability to think of even scarier things, a horror movie is not going to end up scaring you or freaking you out. It is the adjustments you make in your mind to make it scarier that will do you in.
Comment by Ryan Latham — December 8, 2005 @ 10:06 am
Does your fear of melty faces keep you at arm’s length from such classics as Raiders of the Lost Ark? If so, I feel bad.
Oh, and don’t click this link. NO! Don’t do it!!!!!
Comment by Kevin — December 8, 2005 @ 10:41 am
Just the previews of The Exorcism of Emily Rose gave me nightmares, but the scariest movie ever? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory - the old one, because I’m too chicken shit to see the new one. The fat kid getting sucked up into the tube fed into my claustrophobia, the kid shrinking fed right into my fear of, well, shrinking, and now I also have unnecessary fears of turning into a giant blueberry.
Comment by Hope — December 8, 2005 @ 11:19 am
Some I will watch…I might flip the channel or leave the room at the intense parts. Like seriously, I’ve seen The Shining about 30 times. BUT, I still have never seen the body-in-the-tub part.
Some I won’t. I have no use for Jason, Freddy, Chucky or Mike Meyers.
But even the ones I want to watch, I get all freaked out. I’ll have the willies all night after I watch a scary movie. Yet I still do it.
And Pauly? This: “Don’t you think having snot running out your nose without having any tissues is scary!? I think that final moment of the movie, actually, with the guy in the corner — I think he’s wiping his nose on the wall” cracked me up and I’m probably gonna get busted by my boss and have my Internet priveleges revoked. Thanks.
Comment by Flower Girl — December 8, 2005 @ 11:38 am
Pauly - Just stick with the Disney DVDs and you’ll be safe.
Comment by monkeyinabox — December 8, 2005 @ 11:48 am
Am I the only horror buff around here then? I can’t get enough of melting faces, rotting re-animated corpses, things coming out from inside of people, etc, etc. On film, that is. If I happened to encounter any of those things in real life, even I would be freaked the f*** out.
Pauly, some people can’t take gory/creepy movies while others can’t get enough of them. However, the fact that you can’t even watch Diane Keaton’s face makes me wonder about you… I mean, come on! Get a hold of yourself!
Comment by the swede — December 8, 2005 @ 12:34 pm
now im afraid of diane keatons wrinkly skin, thanks pal
Comment by Shawna — December 8, 2005 @ 1:14 pm
“That old adage, “does a tree make a sound in the forest if it falls and no one is there to hear it?” has a specific answer that I can give you:”
I knew you’d follow up on that one, Pauly. You’re like a train or that pink bunny that keeps going, but probably crashes into a lot of stuff. You just keep going, even if you run into a paradox of the ages. You plow right through it.
And you know I have to ask. What if you were in a forest with a group of people? People without melty faces or gross fingernails? What if you were with some people with gigantic fuzzy pink hats? Or how about a lovable but strong person. What if you were with Mr. T hyped up on a latte? How could you be scared then?
Comment by Glen C. — December 8, 2005 @ 2:47 pm
Glen - If Mr. T was with me and a bunch of people in gigantic fuzzy pink hats I would probably be afraid that I had accidentally taken LSD or something and freak out screaming through the forest while tripping and falling into sharp sticks.
So, yeah. Still scared.
Comment by Pauly D — December 8, 2005 @ 2:55 pm
Damn, that didn’t work as planned at all!
Comment by Glen C. — December 8, 2005 @ 3:01 pm
Somehow I managed to brave Diane Keaton’s wrinkles, but when she asked Jack Nicholson to cut off her turtleneck and I knew old people sex was imminent, I gagged and had to turn away.
I still have nightmares.
Comment by Rabbit — December 8, 2005 @ 4:03 pm
Horror movies are totally creepy. Sometimes the worst are ones like One Hour Photo because it’s probably true somewhere and has happened before.
Yikes!
Comment by Brian J. Hong — December 8, 2005 @ 4:21 pm
I SO know the feeling dude. I am a total pussy in horror movies. My wife is a horror junky and I refuse to watch them with her.
I attribute it mostly to the fact that my parents took me to see The Shining when I was 8 yrs old b/c the line for the Mary Poppins anniversary re-release was too long… After this, I could not shower alone for three years b/c I was afraid that the axe-bludgeoned hag was going to get me - my mom had to sit on the toilet to ensure that I wouldn’t get the “redrum” treatment…
Someday I will write about this at length.
Comment by Star Effer — December 8, 2005 @ 4:44 pm
I’m completely with you - but The Ring also just pissed me off. I’m as curious as the next person, but seriously - we all know it killed the proverbial cat…I was half-scared to watch the whole movie WITHIN The Ring for fear of “the call”. If someone told me that using 2-ply toilet paper might kill me, you know what? I’d reconsider my choice.
My point? I spent a lot of the movie thinking to myself, “you asshole - WHY DID YOU WATCH IT???”
Comment by sandra — December 8, 2005 @ 4:58 pm
I don’t like scary horror movies at all, either. They really do scare me. You forgot to mention “Silence of the Lambs.”
Comment by C(h)ristine — December 8, 2005 @ 5:50 pm
i’ve never seen the ring, one of the scariest movies i ever saw was the others, with nicole kidman. a classic is burnt offering with bette davis, now there’s one scary babe.
Comment by better safe than sorry — December 8, 2005 @ 6:16 pm
So, are you really afraid of “The Ring” or did you just make it all up for blog content?
Just curious.
Go Spurs.
Comment by Jennifer — December 8, 2005 @ 9:15 pm
my method of self preservation is saying that i need to use the restroom and going and hiding i the bathroom - or if i’m at home the bedroom. i start antiipating what may happen and freak myself out. during “jeepers creepers” my husband and friends were laughing out loud when i pulled the “i have to go to the bathroom” and went and watched must see tv for the rest of the night.
Comment by Brie — December 8, 2005 @ 10:11 pm
Remember “Phantasm”? … where that silver-sphere-with-a-friggin-dagger-on-it zooooms down the passageway and right into that guy’s head and drills him!?! I loved that! I watch horror movies to see just how much I can take.
Comment by nic — December 9, 2005 @ 6:00 am
I saw the movie and can say that it completely messed up my head for a couple of days. Great movie, but seriously into the head game.
I’m still debating if I want to go through that again with the sequel, Ring 2.
Comment by Mark — December 9, 2005 @ 6:48 am
I am a horror movie junkie - even though they scare me and I start jumping at every little noise, I have to watch them. I blame it on my sister - she took me to see The Entity (I think I was 9 or 10???) and I have never been the same.
I do have to agree with the part about The Ring - when I watched it I was praying that the phone would not ring! My 16-year old son was sitting with me and he was freaked out too.
I have watched Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street with him and he laughs and can’t believe that those were scary movies to me in my day. He just wants to see the gore - not the psychological shit.
Comment by Jewels — December 9, 2005 @ 10:52 am
Okay, I guess you ALL are kidding, right? I mean… all the so-called horror movies just cause me to laugh if anything…
Comment by siammeciro — December 10, 2005 @ 8:49 am
so am i….an ad for “the shining” and i’m awake and terrified all night.
Comment by karma — December 12, 2005 @ 1:15 pm
I totally feel your pain,dude. I am only 12 years old and I’ve seen I Know What You Did Last Summer-in a dark room with my ex-best friend who loves it when I’m scared. I am sooooo sorry about your phobia. see ya!
Comment by Courtney — February 20, 2007 @ 4:21 pm