The Pauly D Cologne
December 6th, 2005
[Note: The most heart-palpitating moment of this post comes in the last five lines so be sure not to miss the last five lines of this post because they will leave you breathless!!]
From Elizabeth Taylor to Britney Spears to Michael Jordan to J. Lo — every single celebrity who seems to have had a few minutes in the spotlight decides sooner or later to release their own perfume or cologne with lots of fanfare, publicity and marketing.
Well, isn’t it about time Pauly D released his own cologne as well?
In preparing for releasing my own cologne (this would, of course be released around the same time as my new book) I made a few calls to people I know around town. One of those people, JL, had ties with a variety of people who work in the product development departments of cologne and perfume manufacturers… Those who work hand in hand with well-known celebrities to develop scents for their brand-new bottles ‘o ego-bloat.
I was lucky enough to get on the phone with JL’s production friend, HG.
HG knew JL from college so it was a connection that made sense and within the first ten minutes of the call HG had rattled off almost thirty names of celebrities that HG had worked with. There was GR and RA and ET and OR and WB (initials do not necessarily relate to stars’ actual names). I was quick to tell HG that I wanted the Pauly D Cologne to smell like “a winter’s night in front of the fireplace with the pleasant nose-tingling odors of recently blown-out candles and buttered toast wafting through the room.”
HG reigned me in, telling me that I first had to go through and answer a variety of questions about my scent-to-be, before even thinking about the actual smell of the cologne. That was always the problem with people developing scents for themselves, HG told me…jumping the gun. Before a scent could be decided on, there were more important things to deal with.
I remember saying, “So, we should decide on the emotional feeling we want the scent to convey and the shape of the bottle first…right?”
HG laughed a stifled laugh, which is a smaller laugh than a normal laugh but less a laugh than a guffaw type laugh. He said to me that NO it wasn’t about the scent or the emotional feeling or the shape of the bottle. The first step to developing ones’ own cologne was to decide on how much we would charge.
“Nine ninety-nine,” I told him.
“Nine ninety-nine?” he replied.
“Yes, nine ninety-nine.” I replied to his reply.
That was another big goal in creating my own cologne, I told him — making the cost reasonable. What’s the use of releasing a brand-new blogger cologne if bloggers can’t afford to buy it? What’s the point in releasing a book that obviously is even better with an accompanying book cologne. Charging fifty to a hundred bucks for a cologne would piss off the masses, I explained — the Pauly D cologne could not be more than nine dollars and ninety-nine cents.
I even took a risk and went further, making sure that HG knew that I didn’t want to be a part of that whole “it’s $9.99 but when tax comes into play it’s really over ten bucks” thing. This cologne was going to be $9.99 flat. No more, no less.
HG was quiet for a long time before we continued on.
HG then asked me to describe the scent, the bottle shape, the emotional reaction I wanted it to have on people who used it and people who smelled it and the color of the liquid and the marketing materials I envisioned.
I explained in detail: The Pauly D Cologne would inspire people. It would excite, it would influence and it would intrigue. The scent, which would make people feel relaxed and comfortable and warm all over (the fireplace and the recently put-out candle) would also fill everyone’s heads with the memories of childhood (toast, always reminds people of childhood). Women who smelled it on their man would feel safe and uh, hungry for toast. Men who smelled it on themselves would feel strong and all-powerful, and want a bagel (I don’t know why this would happen, but research would show us that the smell of toast would cause the male gender to think of bagels).
The bottle, of course, would be in the shape of a rising flame — it would be made out of colored red and orange glass with an underlying blackness to it all. The liquid, which would be a flourescent yellow elixir of sorts, would affect the color of the glass itself and make it appear as if the flame inside was always lit. This would all play into the monster marketing campaign and push which would (get ready for this) sell the Pauly D cologne with this simple yet clever tag line:
Get Burned.
The Official Pauly D Cologne
Let’s just say it’s just too good of an idea to leave languishing in the ether-sphere.
oh my god, i can’t even read this because i’m still laughing at your face on the cologne bottle.
Comment by kristine — December 6, 2005 @ 8:26 am
does that mean the redux of your cologne will be “Pauly D: Burned Out”?
Comment by heather — December 6, 2005 @ 8:40 am
will it also double as lighter fluid?
oooh, that reminds me, i love the smell of lighter fluid/gas…could you add that in as well?
Comment by meme — December 6, 2005 @ 8:42 am
Wow, I don’t think this has ever happened before — the Girlspoke trifecta…all commenting one after another.
Well, I’m glad that the packaging is appealing to Kristine. As for the sequel…if it’s successful there will be no NEED for a follow-up.
And as for that lighter fluid/gas stench — the burnt-out candle will do just fine.
Comment by Pauly D — December 6, 2005 @ 9:19 am
i am at a loss…really. this is perhaps the greatest blogger idea in history. and i was here to witness it.
now you’ve GOT to do the accompanying body lotion and room-fragrance candle.
Comment by Sarcomical — December 6, 2005 @ 10:30 am
That picture is a classic…
Comment by monkeyinabox — December 6, 2005 @ 10:41 am
Ok, perhaps I can start splashing Eau de Pauly D on me, instead of J’adore … on second thought ..nahhh
Comment by Veronica — December 6, 2005 @ 11:08 am
oh, GAWD, pauly - nothing turns me on more than a man who smells like buttered toast….you have no idea!!! especially if it has some scrambled egg top notes.
Comment by Dawn (webmiztris) — December 6, 2005 @ 11:59 am
Buttered toast gets women, all the time. In fact, if it’s not buttered toast it’s a bowl of rice and milk — although, I decided to go with a more mainstream odor than the whole rice/milk thing.
I think you’ll agree that was the smart way to go.
Comment by Pauly D — December 6, 2005 @ 12:02 pm
Okay, I’ve got a bit of a problem here. You make it clear that we bloggers cannot afford — nor should not have to afford — anything more than $9.99. That would be the implication I made from your comment about the price. However, I just committed myself to about $13.99 in money spent on Consumer Joe, which, as we speak, is being transferred to my local Barnes & Noble from one of their sister stores. Obviously, I cannot afford it. So, should I expect a $4 rebate on the cost of Eau de Paulie? Or will the preorder I soon place on The Lost Blogs include a complimentary flame-shaped bottle?
Comment by Kevin — December 6, 2005 @ 12:05 pm
Kevin - I hate to correct you on this one, but I must. I did not say that bloggers cannot afford more than $9.99 — I said that they cannot afford the usual cost of cologne which is anywhere from fifty to one-hundred bucks. $13.99, you can afford. In fact, you can afford $13.99 twice — so that pre-order of The Lost Blogs and your recent purchase of Consumer Joe…
Well, everything will be OKAY.
Comment by Pauly D — December 6, 2005 @ 12:17 pm
I don’t really know what this post is about because I skipped down to the last five lines. I heard they were not to be missed. Something about hot cologne. I’m certain it’s really funny, though, because you’re an intelligent and clever writer with a flair for the absurd.
Those were some great last five lines, though. They sure were.
Comment by jenny — December 6, 2005 @ 1:13 pm
So typical of you, Jenny.
I just keep hearing advertisements on TV telling me that I can’t miss the last five minutes of every show because they’re so amazing.
I figured, why couldn’t I do the same with blog posts. Right?
Comment by Pauly D — December 6, 2005 @ 1:18 pm
I can’t imagine how intoxicating the scent of Pauly D cologne would be. I mean, I’m already inspired, excited, influenced and intrigued by simply your words on paper. But an accompanying scent? Warm all over indeed…
Comment by Amber — December 6, 2005 @ 1:24 pm
i’m from canada. are you still going to be able to offer the fragrance at your $9.99 price, given that our dollars sucks and there is also customs to deal with?
Comment by better safe than sorry — December 6, 2005 @ 1:33 pm
Buttered toast? I don’t know, Pauly D. With the popularity of the Atkins diet, do you think that’s the best choice?
Then again, there is that whole “forbidden” quality . . .
Comment by Rabbit — December 6, 2005 @ 5:13 pm
I’ll take two, please. Can’t have just one slice of toast.
Comment by Melody — December 6, 2005 @ 8:28 pm
for some reason, i smell bread baking now. and i feel like toast.
Comment by C(h)ristine — December 6, 2005 @ 9:57 pm
You are clearly a scent marketing man in a blogger’s body. I have but one piece of feedback for you, involving the “hot” look of the liquid…it might deter people from actually spraying it on themselves. Those who have had fire safety lessons, anyway.
Food for thought.
Comment by sandra — December 6, 2005 @ 11:19 pm
You know, I actually LIKE the smell of Glow, but I refuse to purchase it because of its affiliation with J. Lo.
Oh, and I’ll buy your books myself, if you promise to sign the copies for me. And as soon as The Lost Blogs is available for the rest of us across the pond.
Comment by HighMaintenanceHussy — December 7, 2005 @ 3:10 am
I came across this site by accident. I guess Paul Davidson’s opinions aren’t shared by me.
Regarding Pauly D Cologne he says “From Elizabeth Taylor to Britney Spears…/…every single celebrity who seems to have had a few minutes in the spotlight …”
Feel free to flame me here, but hasn’t ELIZABETH TAYLOR had more than a ‘few minutes’ in the spotlight? Maybe Paul’s trying to say she’s a has-been. However, she’s probably been famous longer than Paul’s been alive…
I suppose the question is, what gives someone FAMOUS the right to put their name on a fragrance? Well maybe it’s money and marketing.
Comment by BearUK — December 7, 2005 @ 6:35 am
I love that this scent trangresses genders. How very PC of you Pauly D.
Comment by Alissa — December 7, 2005 @ 7:02 am
You make me laugh, but it is a fablulous idea… since the women can’t all have you, at least with your cologne, we could have a piece of you on other men… LOL
*hugs*
Comment by Karen — December 7, 2005 @ 7:07 am
C(h)ristine - Mmm, baking bread. See, I’d be willing to bet that every woman has her own favorite baking bread smell (raisin, potato, etc) and that this smell might make a wonderful cologne. Screw Spanish Fly — baking bread is the answer!
Comment by Pauly D — December 7, 2005 @ 7:57 am
I buy my wife this scent, £40, it gives her a headache. So I buy her this other scent, £70. She has an allergic reaction. So I bought her leather trousers and silk underwear. Then damn it I got a headache.
Comment by Spirit Of Owl — December 7, 2005 @ 8:14 am
the 25th and 34th lines were among the funniest lines I’ve ever read. however, i was extremely disappointed by the last five lines. i hope they don’t overhype your perfume the same way you overhyped those last five lines…
but i forgive you for mentioning buttered toast. mmmm…bagels.
Comment by Star Effer — December 7, 2005 @ 9:25 am
But if I wind up on welfare… at least I’ll smell good and have funny stuff to read. Unless the IRS takes them from me.
Comment by Kevin — December 7, 2005 @ 10:44 am
I know! And with the low-carb craze, bread is so NAUGHTY nowadays! Baking bread smell is the ULTIMATE temptation. So your scent is very very naughty and tempting!
Comment by C(h)ristine — December 8, 2005 @ 5:52 pm
C(h) - See, that’s what I’m saying. Bread is SO naughty and the ULTIMATE temptation.
My next cologne will be called Sourdough Secrets.
Comment by Pauly D — December 8, 2005 @ 5:56 pm
Oh man I would *SO* buy Sourdough Secrets…. and you could do a whole shoot-off accessory line of fine European bread-scented everything. Sourdough room spray, sign me up!
Comment by Adri — December 8, 2005 @ 7:11 pm
clam chowder in a sourdough breadbowl. could you do that one?
Comment by C(h)ristine — December 9, 2005 @ 1:28 pm
I can do clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl with saltines as a scent. Would you want that one?
I’d call it Eau de Sour.
Comment by Pauly D — December 9, 2005 @ 1:32 pm
Mrmmm…that would be a good cologne for an outing in foggy San Francisco. You’re the BEST!
Comment by C(h)ristine — December 9, 2005 @ 7:40 pm
Is it bad that I smell burnt toast?
Comment by WestsideKef — December 9, 2005 @ 9:23 pm
i would’ve posted this comment sooner, but after thinking about T.T. smelling like fresh bread, well, let’s just say i got distracted.
since the cologne will certainly be a hit, you could always then go for bread/toast-scented shampoo & conditioner, and body lotion since you obviously already have a penchant for food-scented toiletries… which would naturally lead to the next brilliant WFME marketing idea: putting them all together as Pauly D Gift Baskets. delivered of course by the PPS. in time for Groundhog Day. sign me up!
Comment by hadashi — December 10, 2005 @ 6:53 pm