Half-A-Stick-A-Gum

Don’t offer me half a stick of gum.

Just like women most often prefer it when a guy just plans a date and takes control and doesn’t lament over and over again that they want to decide what to do tonight together…you sit there with your paltry little piece of Trident asking me if I want half since there’s only one piece left.

What did I just say? Don’t offer me half a stick of gum.

That’s like dying penniless and then when the reading of your will happens I find out that you’ve left me your old 8 track tape collection. It’s like me asking for some chips and you handing me the Doritos bag with the crumbs at the bottom. It’s like going to shake my hand and patting me on the back instead.

Offering someone a half a piece of gum is like telling them you couldn’t care less about their breath, their self-respect or their value in your life.

What would I prefer? What is my solution to the problem of half-piece-a-gum-givers? Shouldn’t I have one if I’m going to lament and complain and ramble and rant on about gum-breakers? Well, I do.

Don’t offer me half a piece of gum.

That’s like breaking up with someone and then at the last minute offering to go with them to your parents’ anniversary party. It’s like hitting me with your car as I’m walking through the crosswalk and then offering to take me to the hospital. It’s like pulling over to the side of a high mountain road where I’m hanging on for dear life and then you reach out and grab my hand and say “Hold on! Hold on, I’ll pull you up!” and then you try and try but in the end you can’t do it and I go careening to the ground thousands of feet below.

It’s a half-assed job and a half-a-piece of gum.

Sure, some people their being generous. Sure, some people think it’s an act of friendship or loyalty. Some people think it’s a great way to foster relationships and share the Splendafied wealth.

I say it’s just some guy, feeling guilty, that he’s got the last piece of gum.

Because who in their right mind wants to chew on a pea-sized half-a-piece of gum? Who wants to basically give themselves a jaw problem because of their repetitive “find the gum in my mouth” game since it’s too damn small to locate? Who wants to give themselves a headache chewing something the size of an eraser?

No one.

So get a backbone and find your courage and just tell me that you’ve got one last piece of gum, that you don’t wanna share it cause who really wants to chew a half piece of gum, and leave well enough alone.

Sure. I may hate you forever.

And talk behind your back about how you’re “that person” who doesn’t share the last piece of gum and craft voodoo dolls out of your hair to which I’d stick old gross gum onto in an attempt to sour your love for the chewy stuff and generally say bad things about you in our gum-chewing cirlces… But someday, when all is said and done…

I’ll be glad that you stood up, took charge, and denied me the one thing that, honestly, I probably really don’t want.

(Editor’s Note: Be sure not to miss out on WFME’s trilogy of gum posts which are sure to amaze and annoy.)

19 comments on “Half-A-Stick-A-Gum

  1. Rabbit - December 3, 2005 at 9:57 am -

    I agree. Dividing those Chicklets is a pain in the ass.

  2. Keith - December 3, 2005 at 10:18 am -

    A trilogy is a group of three with a related theme. Now, with five gum-related posts, what you have is an anthology, and I want to know when you’re planning on offering it up as a special-edition DVD box set with hidden Easter Egg features.

  3. better safe than sorry - December 3, 2005 at 10:20 am -

    i’ve never offered a half a piece of gum, i offer a whole, praying the person i’m offering it to won’t take my last piece. but it’s usually ok, cuz i was going to buy another pack anyway.

  4. Glen C. - December 3, 2005 at 2:28 pm -

    This, “don’t offer me a half stick of gum, but I may hate you forever if you follow my previously stated directions” paradox is up there with “what is the sound of one hand clapping?” and “if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?”

  5. Pauly D - December 3, 2005 at 2:33 pm -

    Keith – I plan on releasing a self-published book entitled “Gum” pretty soon after the release of The Lost Blogs. Stay tuned for that one.

    Glen – Paradoxes are only paradoxes to paradoxical people.

  6. Lynn - December 3, 2005 at 9:59 pm -

    It’s like handing over that half-a-stick of gum, watching me chew on it, then accidentally swallow it because it’s so freaking tiny, but instead of making its way down my throat, it gets lodged in my windpipe, at which point I fist start gagging then begin choking in earnest, but you don’t know the Heimlich maneuver, so you are relegated to simply witnessing the situation as I fall to the floor and choke to death on your half-a-stick of gum.

  7. I love Mark Darcy - December 3, 2005 at 10:56 pm -

    Gawd I remember as a kid my mom tearing off the half piece of Juicy Fruit… it was like chewing a tiny tiny Chicklet. Remember those tiny squares of gum? Sweet Jesus. Now I have to have at least three sticks in my mouth to get any kind of a good chew!!!

  8. Neil - December 4, 2005 at 6:52 am -

    I absolutely agree! It’s like writing half a comment that you are too lazy to

  9. Lynn - December 4, 2005 at 2:30 pm -

    finish.

  10. Pauly D - December 4, 2005 at 2:59 pm -

    God, I love it when people work together in the comments section to finish their sentences about

  11. Lynn - December 4, 2005 at 6:12 pm -

    tits.

  12. Pauly D - December 4, 2005 at 6:16 pm -

    Man, Lynn. You are really good at

  13. Lynn - December 4, 2005 at 6:31 pm -

    throwing “tits” around. There, did it again.

    Pauly, if someone offered you half a tit, would you take it?

  14. Pauly D - December 4, 2005 at 6:40 pm -

    I refuse to answer that question.

  15. Lynn - December 4, 2005 at 6:42 pm -

    What about a partial answer?

  16. Pierce - December 5, 2005 at 3:59 am -

    Sometimes, Pauly, your comparisons leave a lot to be desired. You’re all like, “I hate it when people leave the toilet seat up. That’s like flying to the moon.”

    Well it’s not like flying to the moon Pauly. It’s not like flying to the moon at all.

  17. nic - December 5, 2005 at 6:46 am -

    The half-stick of gum is not about the gum at all. It’s about showing consideration and love for your fellow man.

    (who happens to have semi-bad breath)

  18. Laurs - December 5, 2005 at 7:11 am -

    I feel that by offering someone half a stick of gum is another way to laugh at their breath problems. Like, “ha ha, this little piece of gum will cure my bad breath ails, but you, you’ll be stinky forever.”

    It’s just mean.

  19. […] Surprisingly, I often get e-mails from companies who read my posts and offer me up free products that they think will help my own high-maintenance issues. There was the time I wrote about how my head was huge and was contacted by a company offering up free hats that could fit my skull. There was the time I wrote about how I refused to give anyone a half a piece of gum and was contacted by this company who wanted to send me a free carton of their gum so I’d never have to share a piece ever again. […]

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