If I Was Going To Break Out of Prison

If I was going to break out of prison, I would have to be there in the first place.

How I got there would obviously involve a story I wouldn’t like to tell often because it would have involved a shotgun loaded with blanks, twelve Capri-Sun drink pouches, a rotten zucchini, three musical dwarfs, a local bank and a family size bucket of Popeye’s chicken — and would you believe I was totally innocent despite what the jury decided?

Guilty, they had said — then deposited me into a jail where I would now be. And due to my milky-white, smooth-skinned coconut-smelling self being behind bars… I would have to get outta there as quickly as I possibly could.

Having seen a myriad of prison-escape movies from Escape from Alcatraz Island to FOX’s recent phenomenon Prison Break, I have witnessed people digging holes with hand-made digging devices (this always happens, by the way) as well as costumed-escapes (someone dressed up like a guard), the whole “Here, watch as a prison riot breaks out and I sneak out the back” scenario, and the classic Shawshank escape through a hole, hidden by a hot poster of a starlett.

Aren’t you bored by all those things by now? And don’t you think the prison wardens across the country have smartened up after seeing these things? Don’t you think they’ve blocked up the water mains and removed all the posters and gotten rid of the extra prison guard uniforms and added a few extra lights to that back area of the prison that was normally pitch black and added electricity to the fences so no one can climb over them in addition to requesting a no-fly zone over the prison so people can’t fly helicopters over the prison grounds (like in Superman) in an attempt to help people like Lex Luthor escape in the dead of night?

If I was in prison, you’d better believe all of these things would be true, and so I’d be forced to come up with a plan that would be both ingenious, unique, clever, obscure and original. I would have to come up with a plan so distinctive that it would someday be made into a movie.

Enter the Pauly D Prison Escape Plan #559.3d.

It would be plan so simple, that prisoners who came before me and prisoners who came after me would marvel at the ingenious nature and simplicity of it. It would be a plan so clever that the most clever people in the history of the world would come out of their coffins and rise up just to shake my hand. It would be a plan so mind-numbingly intelligent that people like Good Will Hunting (assuming he was a real person and if not a real person but based on a real person then whatever the real person they based that movie on would take his place, and if he wasn’t available then how about the guy from A Beautiful Mind instead) would write speeches about ME in their spare time. Nay, they’d write speeches about me in their normal work time. In fact, they’d get no work done cause they’d be writing speeches about my smarts all the live long day.

Either way, the plan would be amazing.

Stage one of my plan would be to get every single convict on my side. How would I do this? I would curry favors in any way I could. Need some cigarettes? Done. Want to hear a bedtime story about your home town? No problem. I’d be the guy to get you things and I’d get them for you by taking advantage of the relationships I already had fostered before I landed in this god forsaken hell hole. It might take me some time, but I figure that in about 15 months I would have every single convict on my side. They would all be my best friends. They would stand up for me, although they’d never have to stand up for me, because since every convict would be on my side…no convict would want to hurt me, thus keeping any convict from having to stand up for me since there’d be nothing to stand up for me…for.

Get it?

So now that I’d have every single convict as my best friend, I would enact #559.3d which would have an alternative code name that would not be an actual code word but an actual code SOUND instead. That sound would be the sound that a cricket makes. Do you know that sound? Well, when I made that cricket sound, no matter the day or time or situation — every single convict (who was now on my side) would stand up and do the deed.

They would punch every guard nearby.

Plan #559.3d is also called the Global Punching Plan and assumes that people, in general, really don’t like to be punched. In fact, if you were punched out of the blue without any warning, it would pretty much hurt you and startle you all at the same time. And it’s been proven (although most cons in prison don’t know this) that a surprise punch to the side of the head can cause the punchee to drop anything they’re holding. And do you know what guards normally hold?

That’s right. Keys. (And guns and billy clubs, but mostly keys.)

So when I made that cricket sound and every convict on my side (which would be all of them) punched every single guard nearby (which would be every single guard in the prison) the collective prison-wide punch (or #559.3d for those who like to keep things on the down low…or the cricket-sound plan for those who like sounds) would collectively drop their keys and their billy clubs although they’d never refer to their clubs as billy clubs unless they were in the UK. Still, at that very moment, every convict would pick up those keys and unlock every other prisoner still locked in their cells.

I’m talking about the people in solitary and ME.

Now what do you have? Total organized freedom. Organized by me and the cricket sound and my ability to get all the convicts to be on my side. And now we roll into the second part of the plan where I’m free and so are all of the convicts and I get them to all run outside where they form one of those pictures you can only see from above — you know, like if you’re in a helicopter and you look down and a thousand men are standing close by and forming like a picture of a flower or an arrow or something? Well, that’s what I would have trained them to do. And the picture that the law enforcement would be able to see from up there in their helicopters would be…

Ancient Egyptian Symbols.

Now do you see where I’m going?

Most prison guards and local law enforcement officers have been trained to identify morse code but NOT ancient Egyptian symbols. And although one guard would probably say something like, “I saw Stargate, so maybe I can figure out what all those prisoners are trying to tell us…” they would, in fact, spend so much time trying to figure out what the prisoners were trying to tell them in their elaborate Busby Berkely overhead ancient Egyptian symbol communication meetup that they would not notice me, driving out the back of the prison in the FedEx truck.

Shoot. I should have mentioned the FedEx thing before.

Before I ever went to prison, I used to go ship packages at this local FedEx office nearby my house. And every time I went in there I used to joke around with the girl at the counter. Her name was Abby. And one day I joked to Abby that if I ever got thrown in the slammer I’d hope she’d help get me out. It was a joke, totally — but when things went down with the whole framing of the crime and the jury and the sentence causing me to land in jail, I sent her a note telling her of the whole cricket plan and she agreed via a FedEx label that she would be involved in the process.

Needless to say, her moment in the sun would come during the whole ancient Egyptian symbol, cricket-sound inducing, collective punch/dropping of the keys scenario.

And as I drove away in the back of the FedEx vehicle, free from my bonds for the first time in 15 months, I would smile to myself (and Abby, who would be driving the car) and announce that YES I was able to break out of prison using techniques never before seen on TV or in the movies and that I just hoped I could list my number in the phone book without getting caught again so the movie producers could contact me ASAP so the script based on the life based on the escape based on the cricket sound could move forward as quickly as possible.

If I was going to break out of prison, I’m pretty sure that’s how it would all break down. Of course, you know prison, and you know that sometimes…every once in awhile, things go very very wrong and people snitch and lives are lost.

But, you know, these things are just par for the course.

35 comments on “If I Was Going To Break Out of Prison

  1. Flower Girl - November 28, 2005 at 8:11 am -

    I think you might just have a little crushy-wushy on Abby-the-FedEx-chick…

  2. Pauly D - November 28, 2005 at 8:13 am -

    This is what I get? I spend weeks developing an elaborate plan to escape prison and you’re obsessing over ABBY? Please. The girl works at FedEx, it’s not like she’s a Nobel Prize Laureate or anything.

    Jeez.

  3. Flower Girl - November 28, 2005 at 8:17 am -

    Touchy! It just popped into my head. And then tumbled out onto my keyboard.

    Besides…I’M not the one obsessing over Abby!

    Your elaborate plan is sheer genius. I think you should instruct your prison homeys to punch guards in the throat, though. Way more effective than head-punching, and they’ll still drop stuff.

    Is that better?

  4. Pierce - November 28, 2005 at 8:42 am -

    What does Abby look like?

  5. kristine - November 28, 2005 at 9:24 am -

    paul, why don’t you just write your own comments, too!

    (you are so hot.)

  6. Rachel - November 28, 2005 at 9:33 am -

    That’s quite a plan Pauly.

    BUT, don’t punch in the head, punch in the wanker! Everyone knows that’s the way to take a guy down. Not only will they drop to their knees but all they’ll see are birds and stars over their heads flying in circles and they won’t see you escape and they won’t be able to stand up for at least 20 minutes.

    And, hey, give Abby a chance; maybe she has a doctorate in philosophy or art history or literature or something.

  7. Alissa - November 28, 2005 at 9:43 am -

    I thought it was going to be such a peaceful plan given the name(s) but then we came to the punching part and I hid in my shirt the way I do when I watch scary movies. What if one of the inmates had only one arm? You know, that’s par for the course too (missing limbs), could he then kick the guard instead? Maybe that’s a good alternate, half the inmates could punch the guards and half could kick them. Nobody enjoys a good kick in the pants except the kicker.

  8. Pauly D - November 28, 2005 at 9:58 am -

    Pierce – Abby looks like the front desk receptionist girl from NBC’s The Office.

    Kristine – If I could, I would.

    Rachel – A punch in the wanker? I thought people could BE wankers but I wasn’t aware that “wanker” was a noun. What else does “wanker” represent in your UK-centric society? As for Abby, she was a Geology major in college which means she knows a lot about rocks. And overnight shipping.

    Alissa – One armed inmates can still punch. Sorry, but I think in order to keep the convicts interested in the plan, it’s got to be a full-fledged punching plan across the board. If one convict starts kicking, the others will want to know why THEY can’t kick and before long all the convicts won’t like me as much as they did before cause I’ll be the guy who let some other convict kick when I told everyone else they had to punch. No favoritism.

  9. Neil - November 28, 2005 at 10:43 am -

    You are obviously a genius that could get all the prisoners on your side. But there is always a chink in the armor in these plans, and it is obvious to everyone: Abby. How do we know that while you are in the slammer, Abby meets and falls in love with a blogger while delivering him his Amazon.com package of the book titled “Blogging for Success.” They might even be in bed together when she receives the signal to go save you.

    “Where are you going?” asks the blogger.

    “I have to help someone escape from prison.”

    “Now? I thought we might just hang out, watch “The Apprentice” on Tivo and order some pizza. Is doing this that important right now?”

    “Nah. You’re right. Let him rot in prison. He always complained about Fed Ex service anyway — saying I was “late.””

    The plan collapses. Please revise the plan, and make sure you have a backup Abby.

  10. Dariush - November 28, 2005 at 10:47 am -

    I think:

    a) you’re going to get shivved

    b) you’re going to get nightsticked by a guard

    and c) you’ve got a crush on the Fed-Ex girl.

    Which is okay.

    C is. Not a and b.

  11. Pauly D - November 28, 2005 at 10:56 am -

    Neil – Trust me when I tell you that I can count on Abby as much as I can count on FedEx to deliver a package anywhere in the Continental United States overnight.

    Dariush – You put it all into perspective. But I have thought about getting shivved. My first set of convicts who like me will be put on “shiv patrol” and make sure no one in the food line steals an extra spork for use as a shiv. As for the getting nightsticked by a guard, that’s why the punching plan is so perfect. As for Abby, well, I don’t have much to say about her.

  12. Flower Girl - November 28, 2005 at 11:26 am -

    Uh, Pauly? Are you mad at me for starting the whole “Pauly and Abby, sittin’ in a tree” thing?

  13. kristine - November 28, 2005 at 11:29 am -

    Flower Girl, paul sent me to break up with you. he’s sorry, but it’s just not going to work out.

  14. Pierce - November 28, 2005 at 11:36 am -

    You know, you really shouldn’t watch NBC’s The Office. It’s disrespectful to BBC’s original The Office.

  15. Will - November 28, 2005 at 11:57 am -

    Very impressive, Pauly. Sounds like you’ve got this whole thing worked out. But let me just ask: Have you been practicing the recreation of a cricket noise. Because, in my experience, I have found that to be one of the most difficult of nature’s sounds to replicate. What about the sound of a Wookie? Chewbacca would really rally up a prison-wide punching festival.

  16. Flower Girl - November 28, 2005 at 12:15 pm -

    Hey, Kristine,

    What would really be a fabulous twist of fate? What if my real name is…ABBY?!?? ::cue suspense/startling realization music here::

  17. Kevin - November 28, 2005 at 12:48 pm -

    Out of curiosity, what happened to plans 001.0a-559.3c?

  18. Pauly D - November 28, 2005 at 1:09 pm -

    Kevin – Because you asked, I’ll tell you.

    Plans 1.0a through 132.9z involved digging. I’m not a fan of digging, so that went to the wayside.

    Plans 133.0a through 192.5h involved dressing up as the opposite sex until I realized I would be in an all male prison.

    Plans 192.5i through 221.3x involved animals. Small ones that you can teach to run through vents and retrieve things for you. But this, of course, requires years of training and I wasn’t up to it.

    Plans 221.3y through 559.3c involved hummus. Although there are many uses for hummus and many ways to utilize it to help you escape a prison, I don’t personally like hummus so I got rid of these plans as well.

    So, you asked. There you go.

  19. LisaBinDaCity - November 28, 2005 at 2:34 pm -

    Paul Darlin, you got WAY too much time on your hands 😉

  20. monkeyinabox - November 28, 2005 at 2:37 pm -

    You FINALLY figured that out? 🙂

  21. Brian J. Hong - November 28, 2005 at 4:08 pm -

    But how are you gonna get all your convicts on your side? Because often there are convicts who are jealous of your ingenious plan and will not cooperate, because guys are stubborn like that. You are also dealing with convicts, people who do not follow the rules of anything. I’m not sure that you will be able to obtain the support of every convict.

    I think your best bet will be having Abby bake you a key into a cake. : )

  22. Pauly D - November 28, 2005 at 4:18 pm -

    Brian – A key in a cake? You obviously never heard of Plan 687.2t which has failed more than Charlie Brown has failed to kick that damn football.

    Besides, cons love Pauly D. Trust me on that.

  23. Dave2 - November 28, 2005 at 4:27 pm -

    I worry over what might be required to become best friends with some of those inmates…

  24. kristine - November 28, 2005 at 7:56 pm -

    eww…good point, Dave. but I’m sure can’t be what you’re thinking. Paul is probably just really crafty with the bartering system. isn’t that right, Paul? though, I suppose that would make him a pusher, huh? do people still say pusher? Huh, Paul?

  25. Chris - November 28, 2005 at 8:24 pm -

    I’m impressed that a stream of consciousness rambling such as this comes off so well. Moreover, I admire the commitment to sarcasm that Pauly exhibits even through the comments! After all, a good rogue never blows his cover.

    I’m sure there’s a good gay porn joke in the previous sentence, but I’m too tired to think of a really good one at the moment. Somebody wanna step up and knock this one outta the park for me?

  26. Lynn - November 28, 2005 at 9:17 pm -

    I’m with Dave2. It’s going to take a lot more than cigarettes and bedtime stories to get the inmates on your side. There might be a little something required after the bedtime stories and before the cigarettes, if you know what I mean.

    My thought: Explore the hummus plan.

  27. Pauly D - November 28, 2005 at 9:19 pm -

    Boy was I naive to think the day had come and gone and no one had stooped to the level of jokes that Lynn just did.

    Hummus it is.

  28. Lynn - November 28, 2005 at 9:25 pm -

    You can always depend on me to class down the joint.

  29. Too Many Words - November 28, 2005 at 11:47 pm -

    The Time Machine

    In which I write crappity crap because I’m tired.

  30. Kiki - November 29, 2005 at 12:33 am -

    I think the circumstances surrounding your arrest would make an excellent post in and of itself.

  31. subgirl - November 29, 2005 at 7:10 am -

    you might have to take one for the team, so to speak, in order for a successful prison break.

  32. pylorns - November 29, 2005 at 8:00 am -

    Hey thanks for the comment, how did you come across wetwired?

  33. Kevin - November 29, 2005 at 10:25 am -

    Hummus has mystical powers. If anything can get you out of prison, it would be hummus.

  34. People Will Steal Anything » It’s Useless - November 29, 2005 at 11:52 am -

    […] A lion club and two parrots? How freaking random. If I was going to steal an animal it would definitely be a monkey. There is no cooler animal then a monkey. The only thing is that a monkey would be smart enough to escape and lead the police back to my hideout. But at least I could use Paul Davidson’s plan to break out of prison if I was caught. […]

  35. Jesus - November 14, 2007 at 9:49 am -

    YOUR PLAN WILL WORK USE THE HUMMUS

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