If I was going to break out of prison, I would have to be there in the first place.
How I got there would obviously involve a story I wouldn’t like to tell often because it would have involved a shotgun loaded with blanks, twelve Capri-Sun drink pouches, a rotten zucchini, three musical dwarfs, a local bank and a family size bucket of Popeye’s chicken — and would you believe I was totally innocent despite what the jury decided?
Guilty, they had said — then deposited me into a jail where I would now be. And due to my milky-white, smooth-skinned coconut-smelling self being behind bars… I would have to get outta there as quickly as I possibly could.
Having seen a myriad of prison-escape movies from Escape from Alcatraz Island to FOX’s recent phenomenon Prison Break, I have witnessed people digging holes with hand-made digging devices (this always happens, by the way) as well as costumed-escapes (someone dressed up like a guard), the whole “Here, watch as a prison riot breaks out and I sneak out the back” scenario, and the classic Shawshank escape through a hole, hidden by a hot poster of a starlett.
Aren’t you bored by all those things by now? And don’t you think the prison wardens across the country have smartened up after seeing these things? Don’t you think they’ve blocked up the water mains and removed all the posters and gotten rid of the extra prison guard uniforms and added a few extra lights to that back area of the prison that was normally pitch black and added electricity to the fences so no one can climb over them in addition to requesting a no-fly zone over the prison so people can’t fly helicopters over the prison grounds (like in Superman) in an attempt to help people like Lex Luthor escape in the dead of night?
If I was in prison, you’d better believe all of these things would be true, and so I’d be forced to come up with a plan that would be both ingenious, unique, clever, obscure and original. I would have to come up with a plan so distinctive that it would someday be made into a movie.
Enter the Pauly D Prison Escape Plan #559.3d.
It would be plan so simple, that prisoners who came before me and prisoners who came after me would marvel at the ingenious nature and simplicity of it. It would be a plan so clever that the most clever people in the history of the world would come out of their coffins and rise up just to shake my hand. It would be a plan so mind-numbingly intelligent that people like Good Will Hunting (assuming he was a real person and if not a real person but based on a real person then whatever the real person they based that movie on would take his place, and if he wasn’t available then how about the guy from A Beautiful Mind instead) would write speeches about ME in their spare time. Nay, they’d write speeches about me in their normal work time. In fact, they’d get no work done cause they’d be writing speeches about my smarts all the live long day.
Either way, the plan would be amazing.
Stage one of my plan would be to get every single convict on my side. How would I do this? I would curry favors in any way I could. Need some cigarettes? Done. Want to hear a bedtime story about your home town? No problem. I’d be the guy to get you things and I’d get them for you by taking advantage of the relationships I already had fostered before I landed in this god forsaken hell hole. It might take me some time, but I figure that in about 15 months I would have every single convict on my side. They would all be my best friends. They would stand up for me, although they’d never have to stand up for me, because since every convict would be on my side…no convict would want to hurt me, thus keeping any convict from having to stand up for me since there’d be nothing to stand up for me…for.
So now that I’d have every single convict as my best friend, I would enact #559.3d which would have an alternative code name that would not be an actual code word but an actual code SOUND instead. That sound would be the sound that a cricket makes. Do you know that sound? Well, when I made that cricket sound, no matter the day or time or situation — every single convict (who was now on my side) would stand up and do the deed.
They would punch every guard nearby.
Plan #559.3d is also called the Global Punching Plan and assumes that people, in general, really don’t like to be punched. In fact, if you were punched out of the blue without any warning, it would pretty much hurt you and startle you all at the same time. And it’s been proven (although most cons in prison don’t know this) that a surprise punch to the side of the head can cause the punchee to drop anything they’re holding. And do you know what guards normally hold?
That’s right. Keys. (And guns and billy clubs, but mostly keys.)
So when I made that cricket sound and every convict on my side (which would be all of them) punched every single guard nearby (which would be every single guard in the prison) the collective prison-wide punch (or #559.3d for those who like to keep things on the down low…or the cricket-sound plan for those who like sounds) would collectively drop their keys and their billy clubs although they’d never refer to their clubs as billy clubs unless they were in the UK. Still, at that very moment, every convict would pick up those keys and unlock every other prisoner still locked in their cells.
I’m talking about the people in solitary and ME.
Now what do you have? Total organized freedom. Organized by me and the cricket sound and my ability to get all the convicts to be on my side. And now we roll into the second part of the plan where I’m free and so are all of the convicts and I get them to all run outside where they form one of those pictures you can only see from above — you know, like if you’re in a helicopter and you look down and a thousand men are standing close by and forming like a picture of a flower or an arrow or something? Well, that’s what I would have trained them to do. And the picture that the law enforcement would be able to see from up there in their helicopters would be…
Ancient Egyptian Symbols.
Now do you see where I’m going?
Most prison guards and local law enforcement officers have been trained to identify morse code but NOT ancient Egyptian symbols. And although one guard would probably say something like, “I saw Stargate, so maybe I can figure out what all those prisoners are trying to tell us…” they would, in fact, spend so much time trying to figure out what the prisoners were trying to tell them in their elaborate Busby Berkely overhead ancient Egyptian symbol communication meetup that they would not notice me, driving out the back of the prison in the FedEx truck.
Shoot. I should have mentioned the FedEx thing before.
Before I ever went to prison, I used to go ship packages at this local FedEx office nearby my house. And every time I went in there I used to joke around with the girl at the counter. Her name was Abby. And one day I joked to Abby that if I ever got thrown in the slammer I’d hope she’d help get me out. It was a joke, totally — but when things went down with the whole framing of the crime and the jury and the sentence causing me to land in jail, I sent her a note telling her of the whole cricket plan and she agreed via a FedEx label that she would be involved in the process.
Needless to say, her moment in the sun would come during the whole ancient Egyptian symbol, cricket-sound inducing, collective punch/dropping of the keys scenario.
And as I drove away in the back of the FedEx vehicle, free from my bonds for the first time in 15 months, I would smile to myself (and Abby, who would be driving the car) and announce that YES I was able to break out of prison using techniques never before seen on TV or in the movies and that I just hoped I could list my number in the phone book without getting caught again so the movie producers could contact me ASAP so the script based on the life based on the escape based on the cricket sound could move forward as quickly as possible.
If I was going to break out of prison, I’m pretty sure that’s how it would all break down. Of course, you know prison, and you know that sometimes…every once in awhile, things go very very wrong and people snitch and lives are lost.
But, you know, these things are just par for the course.