Why My Funeral Will Be So Much Better Than Yours
November 20th, 2005
If you were to line up the list of activities at your (future) funeral against the list of activities at my (future) funeral, it would be obvious to the rest of the world that your funeral will so suck more than mine.
This primarily has to do with you going the “safe route” once again, even after you’ve died. You and the flowers and the open casket and the soft lilting music and the somber, sad speeches. It’s like one big yawn in one big room in one big moment.
But my funeral? Kick ass.
Here’s the thing: if you’re going to live your life in a safe, boring way due to fear and worry and what not…then the last thing you should be doing after you die is having a safe, boring funeral. No one can hurt you now. No one can laugh at you. Well, I guess the people at the funeral could laugh at you, and if you believe in the whole Heaven thing, then you could probably be looking down on everyone laughing at you and then if you believe in spirits being in Heaven and they’re all standing around you watching people on Earth laughing at you… Well, if you think that much into it, maybe that “safe route” is the way to go.
But I don’t care if people on Earth are laughing at me and people in Heaven are laughing at me because people on Earth are laughing at me because my funeral was too risque. I’m going to take chances that I never took while on Earth just because I’m dead. “Being dead” equals “being ridiculous” without consequences. (Except spirits in Heaven ostracizing you and not letting you join the Arch Angel Softball League, but really — who gives a flying F about playing softball in Heaven. Unless you can hit a ball so far that you have to retrieve it on Earth, but as far as what I’ve heard that’s not possible so….)
Back to my funeral being better than yours.
You will have your funeral in a funeral home or a church or some somber, stain-glassed spiritual space. But me? My funeral is going to be at a Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza Time Theater. You may or may not know about these places, but they’ve got video games, pizza, and these awesome animatronic characters that all sing in a band at regular intervals. You know, they pop out from the wall like a big ‘ol bird in a clock — except instead of them singing songs that were pre-recorded for the normal kids who attend, I will have recorded all my favorite karaoke greats and they will be playing through the characters. So when you see the big rat singing, my voice will be coming out of it singing such greats like Billy Joel’s “You May Be Right”, Third Eye Blind’s “How’s It Gonna Be?” and Phantom Planet’s “California” (which we will not mention is from a television show called The O.C.).
Not at my funeral, we won’t.
At your funeral, people will be so bored that they WILL be talking about television and what’s going on in the news because there’s nothing else to talk about. At my funeral people will eat slices of pizza and stand around wondering how my voice got into the animatronic rat. They will also wonder how I can sound so much like Billy Joel AND Third Eye Blind all at the same time. Some people might even say to friends, “I didn’t know he was that great of a singer… Man. He’s awesome!”
And really, isn’t that what a funeral is all about? When you leave my funeral you’re going to be talking like you just left the best concert on the face of the Earth. You’re going to be so impressed with me EVEN MORE SO now that I’m dead. You may even say, “You know how James Dean got so much more famous after he died? How he became a legend? An icon? That is SO going to happen for Pauly D.”
And yet, that would just be the beginning.
Every person to show up at my funeral will walk away with gift bags, filled with everything from free coupons for the local Subway to CDs and DVDs (from my collection, which I would have directed in my living will to be distributed to all who attended my funeral) to pirate costumes and magazines (those which I had contributed to in my lifetime) and what not. There would be skin creams and trial memberships to the local 24 Hour Fitness health clubs. There would be candy and cookies and a free coupon for a box of See’s Candy. You would feel like you had just experienced Christmas even though you had just come from an open-casket funeral.
You’d be like, “That rawwwked!”
Sure, there would be a whole big section of the day where people would get up and make speeches — but they would be required to make these speeches IN COSTUME and WITH ACCENTS. Preferably, and again I would set this out in my living will, each family member or friend (or stranger, cause everyone’s welcome to speak) would have to choose from a list of well known people and then make a speech as if they were that person. Some of the names on the list would include:
Abraham Lincoln
The First Primate To Walk on Two Legs
Napoleon
Some Pirate Guy Who Says “Arrrrggh” A Lot
Albert Einstein
John Belushi
Thor, God of Thunder
Biff, from “Back to the Future”
My funeral would sort of be like a Broadway show with musical numbers and a cast of characters while your funeral would be like watching CSPAN for twelve hours.
While you sat in the establishment listening to songs and speeches and laughing your butt off, you would also be served little pizza appetizers and you’d have the opportunity to enter raffles and contests. We’d give away a 5 day, 8 night trip to the Bahamas and t-shirts that said across the chest, “I Choose Death!” across the front of it. I’d also employ one of those guys who has to entertain and warm up a crowd before a sitcom taping to warm up the crowd before the funeral. You know, get them laughing.
At your funeral, they’d just be crying.
But if things got a little somber at my funeral and people started crying — there’d be a way to handle this as well. I wouldn’t look down on crying or discourage it, but I would instead prefer to incorporate it into a game. Every person would be given a little bucket to wear around their head that would catch the tears as they fell. Each bucket would have lines drawn on the outside of it at increments of one inch. At the end of the funeral, whoever had collected the most tears in the bucket around their head would get a year’s subscription to the Cheese of the Month Club!
There would be so much more at my funeral that would make it better than yours. Everyone would be given a nice black marker so that when they came to pay their respects at my open casket they could draw a moustache on my face or a message on my forehead. People would be encouraged to shout out funny lines throughout the speeches like at the Rocky Horror Picture Show. There would be juggling bears, kiosks with the latest video game demos and tons of those super bouncy balls for people to throw around the room (as well as a huge concert-style blow up beach ball). There would be laughter and snacks, t-shirts and giveaways, music and mayhem…
And me. Me me me me me.
And really, when it comes down to it — that’s the main reason why my funeral will be so much better than yours. At mine, I would be there. At yours? Not so much.
I’m a Leo. What do you expect?
What? No futuristic ice cream beads that never melt? Pffft. I’m not coming.
Comment by Rabbit — November 20, 2005 @ 11:15 am
For your information, Rabbit — those futuristic ice cream pellets are the grossest novelty food item on the face of the Earth AND they have caused over 1,433 people in the continental United States to necessitate the Heimlich maneuver at amusement parks.
So, yeah. No futuristic ice cream beads.
Comment by Pauly D — November 20, 2005 @ 11:19 am
That’s ok. They look like something we should pack your deceased body in, not so much like something safe to eat.
But you know what? At MY funeral, they’re going to serve liquor. That’s right. Dirges and an open bar.
Comment by Rabbit — November 20, 2005 @ 11:26 am
I would win so many tickets at your Chuck E. Cheese funeral (off of my skeeball skills), that I’d get the magic eight ball from the prize counter.
I feel that’s an important object that I will need to pick up during the Quest of My Life.
So, yes, I will be stopping at your funeral. Please leave my free game tokens with the mouse at the door.
PS: Did you know that C.E.C.’s serves beer? True story. I think it’s so that the parents don’t lose their minds over the amazing entertainment and flashy lights.
Comment by JM — November 20, 2005 @ 11:38 am
Your funeral might be better than mine, but the eternal flame burning at my tombstone will make my grave marker cooler than yours!
And do we have to reserve that gift bag in advance or what?
Comment by Dave2 — November 20, 2005 @ 11:57 am
First 200 get the gift bag, Dave.
Just get there early, there will be a velvet rope to line up behind.
Comment by Pauly D — November 20, 2005 @ 11:58 am
Well… funeral aside, what kind of awesome stuff are you dividing amongst your family and friends? And what about this website? Will you just leave it to suffer in the cold depths of the internet?
Comment by Glen C. — November 20, 2005 @ 12:55 pm
but there aren’t any girl options! come on pauly!
i have made a list for you:
mae west
charro
ella fitzgerald (required to scat during speech)
martha stewart
snow white
karen walker
yoko ono
Comment by ms. sizzle — November 20, 2005 @ 1:33 pm
Oh, I could totally pull off Thor, god of Thunder. And Ms. Sizzle - I’d bet that the first primate to walk on two legs was female. ‘Cause, y’know, we mature faster than men do. And the first one to walk upright had probably figured out how to make shoes, so that had to have been a woman. Or Elton John, maybe.
Comment by annabel lee — November 20, 2005 @ 3:06 pm
I can’t believe I didn’t include any females in that list! Where was my head!? I’d like to officially add Lucille Ball, as well.
Comment by Pauly D — November 20, 2005 @ 6:22 pm
I would come dressed as RuPaul and hook up with the pirate. Then we’d get t-shirts made that said “Pauly D kicked the bucket, and all I got was this kick-ass t-shirt!”
After an impromptu karaeoke serenede of “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” I throw up from eating too much greasy pizza and pass out under the pool table.
Awesome.
Comment by ginger — November 20, 2005 @ 7:21 pm
Yeah, well, I fully intend to be buried in a giant person sized shoe box. I want them to prop the lid up against the wall during the viewing. And I want them to stuff it with wadded up tissue paper. I plan to have it made specially before I die. I hope it doesn’t happen suddenly, I wouldn’t want to leave something this important to my underlings.
Comment by Margie — November 20, 2005 @ 8:31 pm
Surprisingly enough, I have my funeral already planned out… and where my ashes will be scattered. If I had my family to plan it. It’d be in a Catholic church, and I’d be wearing some godly dress and rouge of my cheeks and laying in a god awful pink casket and then buried six feet under. Yet…. I am severely clausterphobic (sp?) and I’m really a gypsy in the wind. Probably too much information for you but then again you started it.
Comment by I love Mark Darcy — November 20, 2005 @ 10:04 pm
um, can I be Karen Walker?
Comment by kathleen — November 20, 2005 @ 10:36 pm
Hello McFly!
I can only pray that I get an invite to this thing. I never want to miss out on a pirate theme. EVER.
Comment by HighMaintenanceHussy — November 20, 2005 @ 11:59 pm
Man, oh, man!
I feel pretty crappy saying this, because I like you and all…but your funeral sounds so rad, I kinda can’t wait for you to die now!!!
Comment by Helena — November 21, 2005 @ 12:24 am
Dude! Since you’re gonna be at Chuck E.’s, around all those animatronic animals, why not make a special guest star appearance at your own funeral and have them roboticize your dead corpse, so you can kind of take part in the festivities?!
Comment by Flower Girl — November 21, 2005 @ 5:32 am
Ginger - RuPaul? RUPAUL? Did you choose RuPaul because it has the letters “P A U and L” in it? Or are you trying to tell us something about your hidden a-gender?
Helena - Thanks for the kind note. I hope you can dress up like Alanis Morisette and say this again at my funeral.
Flower Girl - This is the best idea yet. Now all I need is someone who can build a huge animatronic Pauly D. Any takers?
Comment by Pauly D — November 21, 2005 @ 7:25 am
I so can’t wait to attend this funeral. What a party! Will there be a pinata?
Comment by Neil — November 21, 2005 @ 7:29 am
Pinata? PINATA?
That’s like asking if there’s going to be one of those frozen margarita machines or a table setup with Play-Doh for all the kids to play with while their parents are playing shuffleboard.
No, Neil. I don’t think there will be a pinata.
Comment by Pauly D — November 21, 2005 @ 7:32 am
My grave will have a 24-hour honor guard watch. People will flock from all over the world to say, “Wow! I don’t know who the hell he is, but he must’ve been sooooo cool!”
And my corpse will smile.
Comment by Kevin — November 21, 2005 @ 9:12 am
My little bucket *sob* is already half full and even though I like cheese alot, I’d prefer the Bahama trip. BON VOYAGE! Party On!
Comment by nic — November 21, 2005 @ 10:07 am
I want one of those “green” funerals where they just wrap you in a shroud and toss you in a hole in the ground. And there will be no people in a church being sad; oh no. There will be a rolicking tournament of Balderdash to remember me by, followed by eating and binge-drinking.
Comment by meghan — November 21, 2005 @ 12:12 pm
Balderdash. Man, I LOVE Balderdash.
Comment by Pauly D — November 21, 2005 @ 2:09 pm
I want to be cremated. Just thought you’d like to know.
Comment by Amy — November 21, 2005 @ 4:13 pm
I know we are having fun an all, but as someone who just went to my first “Lynrd Skynrd” themed funeral I have to tell you that while these funerals sound like exactly what you want, they are pretty much an embarrassment for the grieving family. Sorry to rain on your parade, but until you hear “That Smell” and “Freebird” at a funeral, you really haven’t experienced the true meaning of pathetic, grief-stricken parental embarrassment.
Comment by Fully — November 22, 2005 @ 7:58 am
I am so depressed because you are right - your funeral will be so much cooler than mine. It makes me want to kill myself, but that would just result in my own sucky funeral SHIT!
Comment by Flamingo1 — November 22, 2005 @ 6:41 pm
You must be psychic and swiped some of your ideas from me I am making my own casket which will look like a Galleon and the pirate who says arrrg will be the master of my send off , During MY funeral a whole hog will be roasted and served to those brave or crazy enough to attend my Send off . Hey if you go 1st send me an invite I’ll be Honored to attend , and as far as the tears in the bucket contest i will win hands down ( onions work wonders )
Comment by Gene — May 31, 2006 @ 8:50 pm
that will really ruin my childs birthday at chuck e cheese. it’s like the opposite of celebrating getting older. every birthday should be a funeral.
Comment by Matt — June 5, 2006 @ 12:25 am
Interesting article about funerals. I just placed one on mine which talks about the quirks to think about when actually planning someone else’s!
Comment by K. Crump — February 19, 2007 @ 12:00 pm