Words For Your Enjoyment: Pet Sounds
November 18th, 2005
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.
If all of us could get together and sign a petition that said that we’d all be willing to work two extra hours each weekday in order to lock in an official three-day weekend (since we’d be working Friday’s hours split up over Monday through Thursday), we’d still complain on Thursday that it’d been a tough week. So stop complaining. It’s fine the way it is.
And what’s also “fine the way it is” is WFME’s wonderful “Words For Your Enjoyment” which continues to benefit from your suggestions. This week, good WFME pal Andrea writes: “If we could translate what the average pet was “saying,” what would we discover about them?”
Aah, pets.
It amuses me to no end that when you don’t have a pet, you look at pets like animals. But the minute you own one (whether it’s a bird, a fish, a dog or a ferret) you start to see the human mannerisms come shining through. Every time they make an expression or a sound, it’s as if they’re talking to us. As if they’re reaching out to communicate.
I’ve spent much time analyzing what my dog, Jack, says to me through his actions, and I’d now like to share with you what I’ve discovered about him through these three conversations we’ve had over the last few months. (Disclaimer: My dog does not talk out loud. These conversations are what I believe he’s saying to me through his unspoken actions and mannerisms. If your dog actually talks to you with real English words and phrases, I suggest you don’t mention that in the comment section and keep that wonderful “singing Frog” information to yourself.)
Conversation #1: Feb 14, 2005
It was Valentine’s Day of this year. I was sitting on the couch and he was sitting on my lap.
Me: “What’s up, buddy?”
Jack: “Dogs need love, too.”
Me: “Oh, c’mon. You get love.”
Jack: “Why do you always belittle my feelings?”
Me: “Here, turn over — let me scratch your belly.”
Jack: “Oh, like that’s supposed to make it all better.”
Me: “Just turn over, c’mon.”
Jack: “It’s VALENTINE’S DAY, Paul.”
Me: “Yeah, so?”
Jack: “I shouldn’t have to say any more than that.”
Me: “That’s just it, you don’t.”
Jack: “Maybe because I’m hoping you’ll get the hint.”
Me: “What hint?”
Jack lets out a long huff, gets off my lap, and goes to his bed all by his lonesome.
Conversation #2: June 8, 2005
I’m standing in the kitchen, eating turkey cold cuts out of the cold cut container.
Me: “What’s up, buddy?”
Jack: “Dogs need cold cuts, too.”
Me: “Oh, c’mon. You have your own food.”
Jack: “But that food sucks.”
Me: “Here, let me give you a bacon treat.”
Jack: “Sodium, sodium, sodium. I’m sick of sodium.”
Me: “Where’d you learn the word sodium?”
Jack: “The TV.”
Me: “Oh really. What did the TV tell you about sodium?”
Jack: “That it causes heartburn. Which necessitates that Prevacid stuff. Which they say is not only because of what you eat but because of your genes as well… So, can I have some turkey instead of bacon?”
Me: “That argument makes no sense whatsoever.”
Jack: “I’m a dog. What do you expect. Just give me some turkey.”
And I do. As usual.
Conversation #3: Last Week
I’m shaving in the bathroom, and he’s watching.
Me: “What’s up, buddy?”
Jack: “I wish I could shave.”
Me: “Don’t wish that. You so don’t wish you could shave.”
Jack: “No, I do.”
Me: “Trust me. You don’t.”
Jack: “It looks fun.”
Me: “It’s so not fun. It’s a chore. Be happy you don’t have to shave.”
Jack: “All this fur. Fur fur fur. I’m always warm.”
Me: “It’s not fur, it’s hair.”
Jack: “Hair, fur whatever. I still feel like I’m always wearing a down comforter.”
Me: “We could get you a really short hair cut.”
Jack: “Haircut?”
Me: “Yeah, haircut.”
Jack: “You’ll never catch me alivvvve!”
And he runs off.
Did I say he actually never said these things? He sort of did. Just not with words. But the thing is, as Andrea so eloquently queried — we can learn a lot from our beloved animals if we just stop, listen and have a really really really really really good imagination (and alcohol doesn’t hurt either).
Finally, this subject matter reminds me of an old Far Side cartoon subtitled, “What You Say, What Dogs Hear” and shows a panel with an owner talking to his dog and saying “Now Rusty, you are a very bad dog for peeing in the house, Rusty. You’d better learn the rules of this house!” Then in the “What Dogs Hear” panel you see what the dog’s hearing: “Blah blah Rusty blah blah blah, Rusty. Blah blah blah blah blah.”
Maybe there’s some truth to that… But maybe none of us want to believe it.
—
In other news, the WFME trip to New York continues! Today includes a meeting with my publisher as well as an evening meetup with WFME faves that include Meme, Kristine and Kat.
“Can we go OUT? Huh? Huh? OUT? Can we?” is pretty much all I’m getting from my beautiful Arizona.
Comment by nic — November 18, 2005 @ 8:55 am
Conversations with Sparkles the Cat go like this:
Sparkles: Oh, its you, the human…
Me: Hi, Sparkles!
Sparkles: You’re never home on the weekends. This “automatic cat feeder sucks.”
Me: I spent like, $80 on that for you so you wouldn’t be stuck just eating dry food while I’m gone.
Sparkles: To hell with you. Hold still so I can rub up against your legs and get cat hair all over your pants.
I think I need a dog.
Comment by Flower Girl — November 18, 2005 @ 9:09 am
So basically what you’re saying is that Jack is a metrosexual dog. Right?
Comment by Hilary — November 18, 2005 @ 9:13 am
Don’t let Jack hear you say that, Hil. It’s bad enough he gets his pedicures once a month.
Comment by Pauly D — November 18, 2005 @ 9:16 am
my cats are certainly characters, but neither of them speak english. i’m pretty sure of that. mostly because henry (the beautiful grey one) is in actuality a space alien visiting earth to collect information on the habits of we puny humans and newton (the mean burly black one) is just henry’s body guard.
your in n.y.? guess i wasn’t paying proper attention… no matter, i’m a misanthrope anyway.
Comment by jmorrison — November 18, 2005 @ 9:44 am
It’s all good and fun until you understand that man’s best friend is thinking “die worthless person so that I can do what I want” or when Ms. Meow Mix says “kick the bucket Jack, I want to sleep there and eat your butter”.
There’s things in the world worth knowing, but pet sounds are not one of them.
Comment by monkeyinabox — November 18, 2005 @ 9:55 am
As soon as I get home at night, my cat, the Inspector, leaps onto my chest so that we’re eye to eye. He looks at me with what I term his “Puss in the Boots” eyes (from Shrek2) and lets out the most pathetic squeak known to mankind. I’m not sure what he’s trying to say, but I think it’s meant to make me feel guilty for leaving him to sleep comfortably on my bed all day long. Clearly I’m the worst pet owner ever.
Comment by Amber — November 18, 2005 @ 12:02 pm
If I minimize my complaints, can we still do that whole four-day work week idea? I’d like to say that I would give up complaining entirely, but I complain starting Monday at 8:00 a.m., so, really, there’s just no hope of ever quitting completely.
Comment by Kevin — November 18, 2005 @ 12:13 pm
Kevin - you can’t complain at all. That’s the deal.
Amber - clearly, you are the worst pet owner ever. I mean, you leave your pet ALONE ALL DAY? That’s unheard of.
As for cats being aliens, JMorrison, I would agree. They’re just too aloof and calm to be a creature from this planet.
Comment by Pauly D — November 18, 2005 @ 12:45 pm
First time visitor to your site and I like what I see. Great content equates to more audience. I’ll be back!
Comment by Jorgeq — November 18, 2005 @ 6:35 pm
What my two-track-mind yellow lab says to me, through her eyes, ears and body language only:
Are you going to eat all of that?
Are you going to drop some on the floor.
If I sit will I get some?
Did you hear something hit the floor?
Look, I’m watching you, plate to mouth, plate to mouth, plate to mouth, etc., etc., etc.
If I sit up taller will I get some?
Don’t worry, I’ll make sure there are no crumbs left on your chair.
Are you opening the dishwasher now? Can I prewash the dishes?
Wait a minute are you picking up your keys? Are you going somewhere?
Can I come too? Are you going to the drive-thru where they give me treats?
Are you going down that street where I bark at all the dogs?
Please can I come too?
What my cats say to me with their eyes, ears and body language:
Screw you.
Comment by Rachel — November 18, 2005 @ 8:11 pm
One of my dogs is named Jack too! The other one is named Will, after the characters on Will & Grace. I am such a television whore.
Comment by HighMaintenanceHussy — November 19, 2005 @ 12:06 am
Sorry I refuse to believe that cartoon. Ally da Pup and I have major conversations and I swear she understands EVERY WORD I SAY! Almost scary sometimes.
Dogs simply rule.
Comment by LisaBinDaCity — November 19, 2005 @ 4:49 am
For those of us who have pets, we appreciate their silent humor and the simplicity they bring. No matter if we’re angry or happy, they just want to love us and us to love them. Pets most certainly have human characteristics and unique personalities. Essentially, pets are humans, except they have more brains not to support their life style financially!
Comment by Laura — November 19, 2005 @ 1:28 pm
Before I got my own place, I used to have a kitten that spent every night sleeping nuzzled between my breasts. I can only imagine what HE was thinking.
Comment by Rabbit — November 19, 2005 @ 4:44 pm
i don’t have any more pets, as I now have children. which are like pets but make you cry more.
i did catch a preying mantis the other day though and while I have no idea what it was saying, it made me seriously consider that aliens and UFOs really DO exist. those things are creepy!
Comment by Fabe — November 19, 2005 @ 7:55 pm
Thanks for the blog love, PD. I should get to work at writing something so when people click on my link, there’s something new to read.
I should post Izzy pictures too. She is, after all, the world’s cutest Great Dane! She talks ALL THE TIME.
Comment by Andrea — November 20, 2005 @ 10:06 am
My dog always calls me a bitch for giving her the same food day after day. Dinnertime is quite an unpleasant part of our day.
Comment by Amy — November 20, 2005 @ 10:31 am